To think family money is a curse?

[BeatieBourke]

Of course, if your landed gentry and have trust funds coming out of eyeballs there might be more autonomy and independence than the rest of us have...

Similarly, if you're absolutely struggling to feed your family, you'll understandably put up with all sorts for the sake of feeding your kids. I've been there.

But otherwise, being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security? Nah, you're alright ta. I'll take staying in rented accommodation my whole life and live without holidays/decent cars/other keeping up with the Jones' stuff with whatever tiny buffer I can manage to scrape together from one month to the next and a degree of dignity.

AIBU?

I don't really think about inheriting, DH and I hope to be 50/60+ when the parents and inlaws die.

Neither my DH or I waited for our inheritance, or lived our lives differently in any way.

We quite like the £1m plus that he inherited though, and the house and land it has given us.

Although sorting out probate, 90 years worth of possessions and 2 properties for sale, then paying a massive chunk of tax was a bit of a pain.

@saywhatn

I see on MNs all the time I will inherit X so plenty have the assumption.

Really? I’m on here a lot and very seldom see folks living their life in anticipation of an inheritance

What an odd thought. In a society where care costs for the elderly are high, and life expectancy is 80+, expecting an inheritance is a bit of a pipedream for anyone except the super-rich.

Those with any common sense concentrate on building their own careers and their own assets, and assume they won't receive anything as a bequest. And being pressured with a promise of a future bequest is ridiculous. When the dead person reneges on the promise, they can hardly be taken to court.

If someone inherits some money, then that's a bonus but should never ever be relied on.

I don’t know people who have had threats or strings attached to inheritances and my DHand I haven’t made any I knew the contents of my parents will. There were never string or threats. I am very grateful for the help these inheritances gave me but I still father have my parents

I didn't say I see people living their life in anticipation of an inheritance. I said I see many posters assuming they will get one.

In my family it has been. My GP’s were born and lived in a different European country, my mum was also born there. When they died they had no money according to my mum. Yet she bought herself a house shortly afterwards! My GPs were always so sensible with money, I know they didn’t die as paupers.

I know my GPs wanted money to go me and DSis and the grandchildren as I remember them asking me for the correct spelling of my DCs names for their will. I’ve tried getting a copy but haven’t been able to, they don’t have copies held anywhere in that country like they do here.

I know my mum stole our money. I can’t prove it so there’s nothing I can do. My mum claims she bought the house with money from a friend of hers who died but I know that’s a lie. Now she tries to hold it over me that I’ll supposedly get half the house when she dies. I’m not going to lie, I could do with the money and also feel it’s mine and my DC’s money morally. So I’ve then felt I’ve had to maintain at least a low contact relationship. But I’ve had enough now. She’s always been a shit mum. She’s only early 70s and healthy so could live for another 20 years. By which time I’ll be 70 myself! I think going NC now would be far healthier for me than hanging on for money I may well not receive. It’s just so hard to take knowing it is money that was stolen from my family in the first place.

I honestly never count on inheriting money, do people really do this?!

Neither of my own parents inherited until they were in their 60s and retired themselves. It is in fact possible to buy your own home without inheriting money - by the time my parents inherited (not a huge amount in either case) they didnt need it anyway.

For most young people today, as people are living longer and longer, we will be rather old ourselves before we inherit, it's not money that will do us any good during our working lives anyway. Forget about it.

And yes @Bluntness100 you are here a lot 😆

I know my mum stole our money.I can’t prove it so there’s nothing i can do.......I’m not going to lie, I could do with the money and also feel it’s mine and my DC’s money morally.*

Are you bloody kidding? They were here parents to inherit from. God the greediness on here is astonishing.

This is more about family relationships and personalities than anything else.

I am in line to inherit a large sum from my parents. It doesn't factor into my financial planning at all. I have stopped speaking to my parents when we had a serious fall out. If they disinherited me and died, while we weren't speaking, that's what would have happened. End of.

It might all go on care fees or dad might die and mum my splurge it all. It is not part of any plan that I have and I hope to be very old myself when if I get anything.

On the other hand mu brother and his wife are obsessed and do plan their life round it. She just inherited about 100k from her father. They renovated their house and frittered the rest. She expects to inherit from her mother (which will be more complicated as the mother is remarried). They also bring up, to my parents about how much they would be getting from them. Alot. And actually it's sil that brings it up the most. To the point mum gets upset. Dad has ended up having a go at them both and so have I.

Their whole life is planned round how much they will get from each party and life is passing them by.

Theres absolutely no expectation from my parents at all, they just want a quiet life and to see their grandkids. That's it. They don't hold it over us. They discussed their will when it was done. And that's it.

In general, both my brother and his wife, act as though they are owed something in general. I have my theories to do with our upbringing but just theories.

This situation with them occurred because of their personalities. Not because there's, potentially, inheritance.

@BananaSnowman

YANBU but I think a lot of people won't understand. My in-laws are very wealthy and it does dictate our lives somewhat. FIL is very clear that if we want to share in the wealth he has created we need to learn to do it properly so that a legacy can be continued for his grandchildren (fair enough). So DH does what FIL tells him to do re where he lives and works. At the moment we are living pretty far away from all our family, DH doesn't really like the work, I can't work... it's just not somewhere I'd choose to live. But we stay here because of the future security we'll hopefully have.

But then there's a lot that could go wrong like if key investments fail plus inheritance is never a certainty anyway. So it's difficult and a gamble and sometimes I worry that it's not worth it or won't pay off. I recognise we're really lucky to have this as our main problem though.

How awful, living a bargained life that is someone else's vision and not your own. The way you describe it, it's like prostituting yourselves for the life you MAY one day have. Imagine if FIL decides you haven't danced properly to his tune and leaves his son nothing?

Why can't he work and live where he wants? Does he have to work in the family business? What if he told his father he is going to leave and get work doing what he would really want?

@robotcollision it's not just about a future bulk inheritance though as much as our current lifestyle. At the moment DH works for one of the family businesses, we live in one of the family houses and our expenses like kids schooling are paid for by FIL. We could both get jobs on our own but we wouldn't be able to afford to do anything like what we can at the moment. Theres a reason people say wealth lasts three generations - the first generation makes it, the second is beholden by the first to maintain it and then the third is allowed by the second to have everything they didn't have and spend it frivolously whilst doing what they enjoy. We're the second generation.

FIL is not mean spirited or selfish but he is pragmatic. If we wanted to do our own thing we could and he'd help us get set up but we wouldn't enjoy the future benefits of his business/investments. That's what he says anyway.

@Meruem

In my family it has been. My GP’s were born and lived in a different European country, my mum was also born there. When they died they had no money according to my mum. Yet she bought herself a house shortly afterwards! My GPs were always so sensible with money, I know they didn’t die as paupers.

I know my GPs wanted money to go me and DSis and the grandchildren as I remember them asking me for the correct spelling of my DCs names for their will. I’ve tried getting a copy but haven’t been able to, they don’t have copies held anywhere in that country like they do here.

I know my mum stole our money. I can’t prove it so there’s nothing I can do. My mum claims she bought the house with money from a friend of hers who died but I know that’s a lie. Now she tries to hold it over me that I’ll supposedly get half the house when she dies. I’m not going to lie, I could do with the money and also feel it’s mine and my DC’s money morally. So I’ve then felt I’ve had to maintain at least a low contact relationship. But I’ve had enough now. She’s always been a shit mum. She’s only early 70s and healthy so could live for another 20 years. By which time I’ll be 70 myself! I think going NC now would be far healthier for me than hanging on for money I may well not receive. It’s just so hard to take knowing it is money that was stolen from my family in the first place.

There must be some way to look into this and see the will?

They were her parents to inherit from

Who had their own wishes that should have been respected. It’s not about greed. She stole money that wasn’t hers. She’s the greedy one!

I agree you have to be careful not to live your life in thrall to a possible future inheritance. But equally if you can manage to gather together two generations worth of wealth then there's the possibility of making everyone's lives easier for a long time. If the family can get to the point where the inheritance you receive essentially comes from grandparents then that is likely to happen while you're still young enough for it to not be bonus money - and avoid tainting family money by it coming alongside a parents death. Obviously there are still risks around care homes etc and it is reliant on at least fairly functional family relationships.

I just think its weird to build your life around the assumption that you might receive something one day

Nobody is forcing them to do this.

I get you Op. My DH is hanging out a bit for the inheritance although he does very well on his own.
He’s not particularly great with his parents so part of me hopes they’ll donate it all to a worthy cause. It’s just a bit spoilt to expect the proceeds of your parent’s efforts.

I'd agree with @EmergencyHydrangea - very much depends on family dynamics. Some use it as a tool of control, also depends on the size of your family and how many ways it goes. We actually as a family agreed to slightly redistribute part of a large inheritence after one party was disappointed, but I think there are not many families who'd do that without a row, but we all get on well and felt it the fair thing to do. There were only 4 of us involved as well, which helped.

I never built my life around expectation of receiving it, though I had hopes it would pay off our mortgage (it will); I always reminded myself that nothing was guaranteeed and maybe it would be less than I thought and so on. But maybe that was easier in our case as we are effectively pretty well off, in national terms, to start with and everyone concerned was already a home owner - it was always going to be something that would make our lives easier but nothing that would change our plans or lifestyles.

I know exactly what you mean. We were offered money to buy a house recently, with heavy hints that it was to be within a mile of the in laws house. We said thanks, but no thanks.

My mum inherited from her mum. Allowed her to buy her business premises (previously rented) and when she retired, the sale of that premises allowed my parents to pay of their mortgage and move to a lovely bungalow by the sea and have money in the bank.
My dad got nothing from his parents and they had to pay for his dad's funeral because he had literally about 10 quid in the bank.

My dad passed away in 2017, and my mum passed away suddenly last year. I will inherit about 200K in a few weeks once probate is done. I'd rather have my mum back.

Most people I know are the same position as me. Likely to inherit family home, don't rely on it, and aren't threatened with it either. We don't talk or think about it because the conversation would be about the loss of parents which would be the key point, not any financial gain.

[quote BananaSnowman]@robotcollision it's not just about a future bulk inheritance though as much as our current lifestyle. At the moment DH works for one of the family businesses, we live in one of the family houses and our expenses like kids schooling are paid for by FIL. We could both get jobs on our own but we wouldn't be able to afford to do anything like what we can at the moment. Theres a reason people say wealth lasts three generations - the first generation makes it, the second is beholden by the first to maintain it and then the third is allowed by the second to have everything they didn't have and spend it frivolously whilst doing what they enjoy. We're the second generation.

FIL is not mean spirited or selfish but he is pragmatic. If we wanted to do our own thing we could and he'd help us get set up but we wouldn't enjoy the future benefits of his business/investments. That's what he says anyway.[/quote]
Honestly that sounds awful. In your shoes no way would i live my life based on what may happen depending on the whims of someone else.
We're definitely the second generation too, my parents are very wealthy but it wasn't passed to them by their parents, they created that wealth. I'm not beholden to them in any way. They have helped us buy our house, given us some not insignificant cash gifts at various points over the last 20yrs but it was never expected or conditional. We live abroad and live the life we want.
I do expect my children will benefit from their wealth more than me but who cares!

Surely depends on whether your relatives are the type who use the lure of an inheritance as a carrot (or stick).
TBH I’ve heard of the odd case where the carrot was used, and someone had been very good to whoever it was, only to find that the devious old sod/sodette had left it all to someone else anyway - someone who hadn’t given a shiny shite about them.

I’m glad to say that in this family, any inheritance has been a strings-free gift we’ve been very thankful for.
And whatever we hope to leave to dds will be the same.

@oblada see I'd say my parents are wealthy. My dad earns a lot, my parents have a really nice house and they obviously don't worry about money. With them my attitude is the same as most people on this thread. If I inherit from them then that's great but the thought of it doesn't affect my relationship with them or how I live my life. But with my in-laws it's different - the sheer amount of money and how they made it. I think that's the difference between family wealth vs the expectation of a good inheritance.