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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family money is a curse?

213 replies

BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 00:24

Of course, if your landed gentry and have trust funds coming out of eyeballs there might be more autonomy and independence than the rest of us have...

Similarly, if you're absolutely struggling to feed your family, you'll understandably put up with all sorts for the sake of feeding your kids. I've been there.

But otherwise, being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security? Nah, you're alright ta. I'll take staying in rented accommodation my whole life and live without holidays/decent cars/other keeping up with the Jones' stuff with whatever tiny buffer I can manage to scrape together from one month to the next and a degree of dignity.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EmergencyHydrangea · 01/08/2021 13:53

[quote MyMabel]@Blossomtoes

Can you find a house for £50k?[/quote]
Maybe not in mumsnet land but you can where I live

DeathByWalkies · 01/08/2021 14:48

[quote MyMabel]@Blossomtoes

Can you find a house for £50k?[/quote]
If you want a doer upper in a deprived part of the South Wales valleys then yes.

Not in most parts of the country though, and not places where jobs actually exist

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/111223556

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/103068401

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/108003914

DemBonesDemBones · 01/08/2021 15:19

I got a big inheritance. Would rather have my family member back than the money, but I have spent it in ways that I know she'd approve of and would make her proud of me.

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 15:22

[quote LipstickLou]@CounsellorTroi

The family home is worth £750000 which i believe will not attract inheritance tax. The rest is stocks. I find the waiting for her life to start bewildering. She is already 60. She is planning a big house purchase. Her mother does hold the carrot![/quote]
Is she living in the family home? My understanding is that if you inherit a house you weren't living in, it forms part of the estate and is subject to IHT.

LipstickLou · 01/08/2021 15:31

@CounsellorTroi
Yes living in the family home. Married three times. Very chequered history.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 15:33

My understanding is that if you inherit a house you weren't living in, it forms part of the estate and is subject to IHT

If a house is left to children or grandchildren it adds another £175k to the tax free allowance. Hence a couple having £1 million between them.

LipstickLou · 01/08/2021 15:49

Well I didn't get that. But I got two happy parents who loved us and tried their best. We have all done well. They had 9 grandchildren who still talk about their caravan holidays and learning to cook. I grew up in the 1970s when we had strikes and food shortages. My 'lady' mother was disinherited, she cared not. She was fearless, a bit mad but she loved us. I have a few things from her smart family but you know what? My ordinary dad taught me more. If you inherit, good for you.

21Bee · 01/08/2021 16:11

@IcedSpice You are misunderstanding how trusts work though. The trusts pay tax every ten years based on the value. It’s more efficient this way as the Duke obviously doesn’t have 8 billion in cash so the tax can be planned. Lots of the land owned by the family also attracts 0% inheritance tax as it is farmland.

The late Duke of Westminster famously wasn’t supposed to inherit and didn’t want it, he had to give up his planned life to take on the estate and later suffered from a breakdown as a result of the pressure.

LimitIsUp · 01/08/2021 16:14

I doubt my (older) dc will agree with you op. They don't have to jump through hoops or toe the line to receive financial support from us. They don't demand or expect it but we will help them out because we love them, and we can

21Bee · 01/08/2021 16:16

[quote PegasusReturns]@IcedSpice do you know why that was? Assume complex trusts but I’m curious.[/quote]
They were allowed to set up the trusts and it was successfully ruled that the 4th Duke died of a war wound. Those who die of war injuries do not have to pay any inheritance tax. All of the family estate was then put into trust.

IcedSpice · 01/08/2021 16:26

thanks @21Bee that is outrageous!!

Cocomarine · 01/08/2021 16:29

I may or may not inherit £100K. Most probably will. If I do, who can say when? But most likely is when I’m 60.

I don’t think of it at all. It has no hold over me. No-one tries to use it to have a hold over me. It’s possible I’ll give a lot of it to a sibling to increase their share for personal reasons - also the view of another sibling.

I never plan against anything that isn’t certain, or as near as it can be.

So my retirement, prioritising pension over luxuries now (and lucky to be able to do so) just continues as if it doesn’t exist.

If I ever get it will - circumstance and emotions aside - be like winning on the lottery. It will just enhance my retirement provision, or be gifted on to my children.

I think the majority of people are like me, not OP’s friends. Drama free.

21Bee · 01/08/2021 16:37

@IcedSpice it isn’t really, every ten years the trust pays a charge, from memory it’s around 6% of the total value of the trust. Over time they pay a lot of tax, it is just sustainable. This is to prevent what happened in the 50s where many people went bankrupt and knocked down country houses that now be of national value and listed (literally thousands of buildings were destroyed). This is available to anybody in the UK who wants to pay tax in an efficient way. The 100% agricultural property relief and business property relief is also available to anybody.

The Duke also paid for and built a hospital which he gifted to the nation out of his own personal money.

Anordinarymum · 01/08/2021 16:45

@BeatieBourke

Of course, if your landed gentry and have trust funds coming out of eyeballs there might be more autonomy and independence than the rest of us have...

Similarly, if you're absolutely struggling to feed your family, you'll understandably put up with all sorts for the sake of feeding your kids. I've been there.

But otherwise, being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security? Nah, you're alright ta. I'll take staying in rented accommodation my whole life and live without holidays/decent cars/other keeping up with the Jones' stuff with whatever tiny buffer I can manage to scrape together from one month to the next and a degree of dignity.

AIBU?

I have a relative who is mega rich. She had a very successful career and lives abroad now. We were always very close. When I was growing up I was influenced by her and I wanted to be just like her. She once told me out of the blue that she was leaving me the lot and I was a bit shocked as there are other people involved and I told her I did not expect her to do that. Years later after having had a nasty letter from her and then a phone conversation I discover my brother has been grooming and priming her by telling her tales and painting me out to be a right bad penny, and I do believe it has worked. So he stands to inherit an awful lot of money. Sobeit. I can not be bothered having to defend myself and if she is silly enough to believe the lies then she is not the person I thought she was. Money is not the answer and never will be. I really mean this. I have had a long time to come to terms with it. Since she and I have spoken on the 'phone and I have denied the allegations, she has made it clear that she no longer regards me as family. I hope it all makes them very happy. It's a poor do when money suddenly becomes more important than people.
slightlysnippy · 01/08/2021 16:45

What a weird out look on life. I view my self as completely financially independent from my parents. The onus is on me to make my own money and save for retirement. If I get inheritance, financially a huge bonus, but it means I've lost both my parents which is going to be awful.

I Want my parents to spend their retirement fund on all the things they love doing. They might decide to leave all their money and assets to the cat protection league, who cares I was lucky to have great parents who taught me to be independent.

Elsielouise13 · 01/08/2021 16:51

I will most probably inherit up to £1m I live my life as if I won’t and don’t let it affect my choices. We have both got good career jobs, pensions and don’t worry about the numbers.

My sibling has lived their life ‘waiting’. They live in rented accommodation as they spend every penny earned and work in jobs they hate, just hanging on until they can retire.

They could be waiting another 20 years….

BananaSnowman · 01/08/2021 16:55

@Cocomarine

I may or may not inherit £100K. Most probably will. If I do, who can say when? But most likely is when I’m 60.

I don’t think of it at all. It has no hold over me. No-one tries to use it to have a hold over me. It’s possible I’ll give a lot of it to a sibling to increase their share for personal reasons - also the view of another sibling.

I never plan against anything that isn’t certain, or as near as it can be.

So my retirement, prioritising pension over luxuries now (and lucky to be able to do so) just continues as if it doesn’t exist.

If I ever get it will - circumstance and emotions aside - be like winning on the lottery. It will just enhance my retirement provision, or be gifted on to my children.

I think the majority of people are like me, not OP’s friends. Drama free.

The thing is £100k when you're 60 is nice but unless you've been living hand to mouth and not able to save anything then it's not a very good bet as your retirement plan. I know a couple for whom this is their retirement plan but it's because they really don't have a better choice, low earners, health issues etc. Even with the £100k or whatever they expect to get they'll have to be careful to make it last for retirement for two of them. For you it's a nice to have luxury, for them it's their pension so I understand why they'd be more invested in it.
Babyroobs · 01/08/2021 17:42

@LipstickLou

Inheritance is a weird one. I have a friend who will inherit £1m. She spends everyday waiting for it and trying to borrow against it. I find it distasteful. She doesn't work because she won't need to! I didn't inherit money but a few antique items which I cherish.
Blimey what happens if her relative has to have expensive care for years on end and most of the inheritance gets wiped out by that ? surely she would be left with a load of debts and no job to live off? Bizarre way of looking at things. No inheritance is guaranteed surely ?
topcat2014 · 01/08/2021 17:51

I will probably inherit about £1m, but as my parents will both be dead I don't think about it.

All assets divided equally between siblings.

No dangling of anything here.

jgjgjgjgjg · 01/08/2021 18:06

The vast majority of people these days will end up in a care home and will have little to nothing left to pass on.

PegasusReturns · 01/08/2021 18:16

My parents were in their 20s when I was born chances are I may well be in my 70s when they die. Waiting for an inheritance is very sad

QueefofSheena · 01/08/2021 18:17

It’s odd isn’t it? My DM is rather toxic, I have two sisters and one of us is always ‘the bad one’, which changes on a whim. My sisters openly discuss what they will do with what they think of as their share. I know that whatever happens there will be a sting in the tail, so I expect nothing. I also point out that she’s potentially one fall away from a care home, in which case there would be little left after care fees are paid.

My FIL has led people to believe he is rather more wealthy than reality. DH knows the truth as it doesn’t take a genius to work out how much he’s earned over his life etc. so only an idiot would bank on a huge payday. Sadly for him, BIL is that idiot.

MargaretThursday · 01/08/2021 18:20

If anyone wishes to direct their "curse" this way then I will happily make the most of a bad situation. Wink

HalzTangz · 01/08/2021 18:20

Why would the threat or promise 9f an inheritance mean you have to rent for life and forgo holidays, cars etc?

DownstairsMixUp · 01/08/2021 18:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

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