To think family money is a curse?

[BeatieBourke]

Of course, if your landed gentry and have trust funds coming out of eyeballs there might be more autonomy and independence than the rest of us have...

Similarly, if you're absolutely struggling to feed your family, you'll understandably put up with all sorts for the sake of feeding your kids. I've been there.

But otherwise, being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security? Nah, you're alright ta. I'll take staying in rented accommodation my whole life and live without holidays/decent cars/other keeping up with the Jones' stuff with whatever tiny buffer I can manage to scrape together from one month to the next and a degree of dignity.

AIBU?

Inheritance from parents anyway, should come at a time in life when you don't really need it.
I'm doing the opposite with my own brood in that I'm assisting them financially until they're 25 to get their lives established and it's upto them then where life times them for there. I've them not to be of the mindset of getting a great chunk in later life when we pop our clogs.

Thats about having manipulative, controlling relatives though, not about the money.

Yep

[quote BananaSnowman]@robotcollision it's not just about a future bulk inheritance though as much as our current lifestyle. At the moment DH works for one of the family businesses, we live in one of the family houses and our expenses like kids schooling are paid for by FIL. We could both get jobs on our own but we wouldn't be able to afford to do anything like what we can at the moment. Theres a reason people say wealth lasts three generations - the first generation makes it, the second is beholden by the first to maintain it and then the third is allowed by the second to have everything they didn't have and spend it frivolously whilst doing what they enjoy. We're the second generation.

FIL is not mean spirited or selfish but he is pragmatic. If we wanted to do our own thing we could and he'd help us get set up but we wouldn't enjoy the future benefits of his business/investments. That's what he says anyway.[/quote]
But you don’t have to do that, do you? You could get different jobs, pay for your own house, pay for your children’s’ school or send them to state school. You just don’t want to because it would mean a lower standard of living.

Personally, I don’t know anyone who is planning their life around waiting for an inheritance from their parents. Most of my friends (late 30s/ early 40s) have parents who are still healthy and enjoying retirement. Several of them have had money given to them for house deposits (sometimes from their parents inheriting money from their parents), and that has contributed to the housing market inequalities someone mentioned above - they can buy a bigger house despite earning the same as us, they have more disposable income, that kind of thing.

My mum was in a care home for the last years of her life, so the house was sold for care home fees and I inherited ~£5k after she died. That will be the reality for a lot of people, especially as people live longer but need more care at the end of their lives.

But otherwise, being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security? Nah, you're alright ta. I'll take staying in rented accommodation my whole life and live without holidays/decent cars/other keeping up with the Jones' stuff with whatever tiny buffer I can manage to scrape together from one month to the next and a degree of dignity.

This is really weird. Lots of people buy houses and have holidays etc with their own earned money.

@EllieQ yes, I like the lifestyle. That's why it's kind of a curse. Would we be happier if we'd done our own thing? Maybe. Is it easy to give all this up? Nope.

[quote BananaSnowman]@EllieQ yes, I like the lifestyle. That's why it's kind of a curse. Would we be happier if we'd done our own thing? Maybe. Is it easy to give all this up? Nope.[/quote]
But it's not a curse. It's your choice.

Mereum

Do you really know that's what they wanted? They may have had every intention of leaving money to their own daughter, while hoping she would choose to pass some to you. I've seen that a lot, where grandparents hope what's left will get spread around. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. It would unusual to completely disinherit your own daughter in favour of grandchildren, absent a very bad relationship. Most grandparents just hope their beneficiaries will share the money around.

This is really weird. Lots of people buy houses and have holidays etc with their own earned money.

I thought that too. I'm only 35, haven't inherited anything. We own a house, have holidays etc, paid with from our own salaries.

@Angelofchaos of course it's a choice, that doesn't mean it's not a curse to have this choice to make though, in the colloquial sense that the OP meant it. Things would be simpler without the family wealth and resulting choices to be made, definitely.

I’m expecting a good inheritance. Not because I’m grabby or beholden, but because both my dm and pil have explained to all of their dc what they can expect to receive.

It hasn’t made a jot of difference to our lives. We have earned well and been successful regardless. We’re not waiting on anything and we certainly don’t need the money. And given my experience of losing a parent early in life I would far rather have their presence. But I can completely understand why people are keen to prepare for their demise and leave their families provided for. It’s certainly something that has been at the forefront of my mind since I had dc.

Lots of people buy houses and have holidays etc with their own earned money.

Tbf it's not weird to have help to get on the ladder either deposit help, special mortgages or living at home to save.

[quote BananaSnowman]@EllieQ yes, I like the lifestyle. That's why it's kind of a curse. Would we be happier if we'd done our own thing? Maybe. Is it easy to give all this up? Nope.[/quote]
That's interesting and I kind of get it. But no way would i lead my life based on someone else's whims for any amount of money. we only live once.
My parents are probably between your parents and in law's in wealth's terms but even if they earned loads more i still wouldn't do anything different. I enjoy the stress free fancy holidays at their houses every so often but that's it.

I was left the family house, my siblings got nothing, i cared for my mum over several years and we had a wonderful relationship, my siblings moved abroad and little to do with her.

They found out the provisions of the Will before she died (i also didn't know what my mum had done) and all hell broke lose, including trying to change the Will as she lay dying, the solicitor refused to do it as she was too ill, it was terrible, my mum was so distressed, even the hospital tried to stop them visiting.

I would have agreed to some changes to appease them but they weren't interested - they wanted it all.

So we now have no contact and never will, so yes inheritances can certainly be a curse, i wish it had never happened.

Saywhatn

True but it's not usually inheritance as you need that in your twenties & thirties when most people still have living parents. That's usually a smaller scale gift. I don't know anyone who's been given whole deposits though, most people I know have saved a lot themselves and then it's been a pleasant surprise when a parent has offered to top it up with 10k or so.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I often see it referred to as earlier inheritance but I'm in London where it can be very common to have help onto the ladder & up the ladder. My new neighbours are a young brother & sister whose parents have bought them the house. That's the extreme hand but I don't know anyone who hasn't had significant help.

not sure where hand came from!

@Bluethrough good point, money can cause massive problems amongst family.

[quote BananaSnowman]@Angelofchaos of course it's a choice, that doesn't mean it's not a curse to have this choice to make though, in the colloquial sense that the OP meant it. Things would be simpler without the family wealth and resulting choices to be made, definitely.[/quote]
That's how you are choosing to see it.

If you think the family money is a curse, remove yourself from the situation.

It's an arrangement you have entered willingly. Knowing what the consequences of that arrangement are and continue to pursue you it. Because the benefits outweigh the negatives.

You could choose to walk away at anytime. So it's not a curse.

You must see how ridiculous it is to suggest having choice is a curse. Or how having a very financially stable life, is a curse.

You need to decide wether youveant a life where your decisions are your own or want the money. Then accept that's the choice you make and live with it. There's no curse.

Its your frame of mind that's attaching negatives to it. You have a great financially stable life. You believe you have made the right decision. So enjoy it.

For what it’s worth, I think “landed gentry” is worse. I know someone in this position, he is the eldest son and will inherit a substantial estate and huge house. His life was set in stone on the day he was born and he has had zero opportunity to make his own decisions. He wanted to go into medicine (and is more than clever enough) but had to learn estate management instead. He’s been managing the house and estate with his Dad since he graduated and will continue to do so until he dies. His grandfather did go his own way (a bit) and left such a mess that it will take two generations to sort it out. His privilege (which he acknowledges and his grateful for) came at a heavy price.

As for inheritance, I know of a couple who took out a huge mortgage aged about 60 in anticipation of inheritance. That just seemed revolting to me, imagine wishing your parents away for a nice house.

Inheritance can bring security and a safety net. Husbands side, his parents have had nothing down the generations but have done well and are likely to leave a significant property etc. My parents by contrast have both benefited from inheritance and I’ve had small inheritances that have made a difference to me.

I recently got an inheritance from my grandad, I knew I was going to get it because he often told me how much he’d put for me in his will and told me what he wanted me to use it for (a bigger house) but it was never held over me, there were no expectations for me to do anything to receive it. I have used it to buy a bigger house and I know he’d be pleased I did.

I wouldn’t wish him back because he had such a long and happy life and did everything he wanted to do, none of us can live forever and I know he’d be pleased that his death has helped make mine and my other family members lives better.

It’s easy enough to remove yourself from the situation. I did.

Manipulative relative declared I would not receive an inheritance if I didn’t behave in a particular way. Fuck that! I’d rather keep my integrity than have their money.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Oh I’m sure part of the money was hers, I don’t mean they left her nothing, just that she kept our “share” on top. After buying the house she had close to 100k in the bank, I know this because she was still claiming benefits and got arrested for benefit fraud! I wouldn’t have found out otherwise. She really isn’t a good person and my GP’s loved her but knew her failings. Hence why I believe they would have been specific. And, as I say, they did ask me for my DC’s name spellings (they have unusual names) and told me it was for their will. That’s pretty clear!

BIL was literally waiting for his last parent to die so he could inherit. It really wasn’t that much (part value of the house). He was obsessed with getting it and didn’t want parent ending up in care and taking any of the money. He was furious when his first parent died that he didn’t get any money (they didn’t have any!).
I think it’s messed him up mentally. I think he knows how awful he was and he is bitter and angry now (to DH). It wasn’t that much, he went on 2 big holidays, bought a ridiculous car and pissed it away.

This is an odd post. Sorry for the loss of your mum op.

My parents own their own home. So I'd assume when they die I'd inherit with my sister. Assuming it's not all gone with care costs.

But it has absolutely no impact on what I do with my life or my financial decisions. I don't know anyone who it would or is having an impact on. So I think you're assuming something which is just not accurate or true.