To think family money is a curse?

[BeatieBourke]

Of course, if your landed gentry and have trust funds coming out of eyeballs there might be more autonomy and independence than the rest of us have...

Similarly, if you're absolutely struggling to feed your family, you'll understandably put up with all sorts for the sake of feeding your kids. I've been there.

But otherwise, being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security? Nah, you're alright ta. I'll take staying in rented accommodation my whole life and live without holidays/decent cars/other keeping up with the Jones' stuff with whatever tiny buffer I can manage to scrape together from one month to the next and a degree of dignity.

AIBU?

@ZealAndArdour

Could be worse, you could stand to receive an inheritance, but you’ll be receiving everything that should have been split between two, because your sibling died age 25.

Sorry for your loss. My mum will be in a similar position potentially as her brother died a few years ago in his 50s so not as young but if felt way too young. My grandparents own a very modest terrace but obviously it's still something. Her brother's death had a huge impact on my grandparents and I'm sure we'd all rather he was here and her get less when the time comes.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I know my mum stole our money.I can’t prove it so there’s nothing i can do.......I’m not going to lie, I could do with the money and also feel it’s mine and my DC’s money morally.*

Are you bloody kidding? They were here parents to inherit from. God the greediness on here is astonishing.

If the mother ignored what was in the GP’s will, as seems likely, then I don’t see that the poster is out of order at all. It’s not greed to expect what is legally due to you.

Though as she says, in that country she’s unable to get hold of a copy of the will.
If we didn’t have that facility in the U.K., where for a small fee anyone can see anybody’s will, you can bet 100% that a lot of people would be keeping inheritances due to other people.

My dad's best friend is very wealthy, as were his parents. He was assisted by his parents in the early days but built several businesses since then and his money is independent.

He wasnt that fussed about inheritance. He doesn't need it. However, his dad died. His mother, within months, started flying to Egypt on a regular basis and spending her money on younger Egyptian men. She would come home and send them vast amounts because they were in love.

Then these men would disappear, get married, find someone with more money etc She would meet and fall in love with another one.

My dad's friend wasn't happy. Mainly because he knew she would end up elderly and skint and miserable. She broke her heart everytime one of these men stopped returning her messages.

He siblings supported her and said she was just having fun. However, now she has ended up skint, heart broken in her 80s with lots of of health issues. It's my dads friend who has moved her in and is caring for her. The other supportive siblings cut her off once they realised there was nothing left for her to leave them. Now they are upset she spent everything their 'dad made a life building'

This whole thing made me aware that you can't ever count on inheritance. And when there is some the people who seem to love and support you, may not really be so loving and supportive.

But that's all down to personalities.

My sister still doesn't engage with me as she believes I received an inheritance from my father (he left my son a £500 car, that's it). I gave up my six figure job to nurse him, she visited fortnightly. Both my brothers said anything he gave you, you earned it. My sister wanted bank statements, his bank statements and confirmation of the returned deposit on his rented bungalow. Further down the road she accused me of stealing his pension. He didn't want to go into a home and had lived with us.
I proved it was all fantasy. She has never apologised. We bought a large house with pension funds two years after dad died. That was bought with her inheritance apparently!

@LipstickLou

Inheritance is a weird one. I have a friend who will inherit £1m. She spends everyday waiting for it and trying to borrow against it. I find it distasteful. She doesn't work because she won't need to! I didn't inherit money but a few antique items which I cherish.

Is that before or after inheritance tax? That can make a difference

What a load of rubbish. Most people I know will probably receive some sort of inheritance - they certainly don't "build their life around it" and I doubt they give it much thought.

I know my mum stole our money. I can’t prove it so there’s nothing I can do.

If you haven't seen the will then how do you know she "stole" your money? They were her parents!! Being asked names to go in a will doesn't mean it actually happened. Surely if there was a will then there would have been an executor, who has to carry out the terms of the will? You are assuming an awful lot.

being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security

It's perfectly reasonable to decide you'd rather not deal with that, and make your own way in the world the same as you would if there was no possibility of a future windfall. But then you're still no worse off than you'd have been if there was actually no money, so I don't see how it's a curse. At least you had the option, which is more than most people get.

@CounsellorTroi

The family home is worth £750000 which i believe will not attract inheritance tax. The rest is stocks. I find the waiting for her life to start bewildering. She is already 60. She is planning a big house purchase. Her mother does hold the carrot!

I am in a slightly reverse situation to some. DM has decided that she is going to skip a generation and leave her quite modest estate to her GCs. Her prerogative. Problem is that she has decided that as one of her GCs has a profound disability and will never live independently the whole estate will be tied up in a trust fund which my DBs and I will be stuck with administering.

All this is the brainchild of eldest Golden Child DB who had some fun some years ago being in charge of a trust fund and fancies having another go with DM's money. DM quite likes this as she has a fantasy that the trustees will meet once a year, toast her memory with a dry sherry and applaud DB for his investment skills.

Little does DB know that I have every intention of sticking a spanner in the works and getting the trust dissolved at the earliest opportunity and the estate divided to the GCs with the guardians left to decide how best to deal with the share which goes to the profoundly disabled GC.

No way am I going to be tied to a trust fund which will dribble out minimal gains just so DB can play Trust Fund King!

I am often skeptical of people who believe their inheritance has been stolen. Just because every person I know who said that, has always been wrong. But then refuses to let it go and let's it shadow their entirely life.

@GnomeDePlume
Oh I like this.

I think there are 2 important points to consider

1. assets v cash rich
2. family relationship and your sanity.

I have always romantically thought that living in a castle / mansion might be amazing, then I met a bloke on holiday who worked at Sotheby's who told me the reality of living and maintaining a big house / estate. Many of the people he worked with had left their family home to go into ruin as they couldn't afford the maintenance - they had move into 1 room to keep the heating costs down. Having a large asset doesn't necessarily mean you are rich and inheriting something like this could be a poisoned chalice

1. Some families, whether they have cash or not, are just bat shit crazy and you just need to survive the best you can whilst your young and decide if you want to keep contact when you're an adult.

But if you are from a nice family, who you get on with, who are rich - why wouldn't that be a nice scenario for you to be in?

@Mandalay246

What a load of rubbish. Most people I know will probably receive some sort of inheritance - they certainly don't "build their life around it" and I doubt they give it much thought.

This

I think OP has some odd view. She is basically saying that she is happy in rent accommodation etc becaus the alternative is family money which is always beciase.

Ignoring the vast majority of people who make their own money, and ignoring the vast majority of people who don’t inherit until they are close to retirement and who have a lovely normal family dynamic.

But if it makes op feel superior she can knock herself out

Mandalay246

And you’re making assumptions based on what I’ve written. I could write a whole lot more on why I have come to this conclusion but A) who would even be interested and B) it’s not my thread or the point of the thread. Hence why I’ve kept it somewhat brief. I genuinely wish it weren’t true. It’s shit thinking your parent has stolen from you, on top of all the other crap she’s done to me. More so I’m sad for my own DCs. I haven’t just wildly jumped to conclusions, I’ve done a lot of research which backs it up. But anyway, as I say, it’s not my thread so will leave it there.

My DH has an inheritance 'dangled'. All advice/guidance/help (eg babysitting) from his parents comes with a side of "remember we'll be able to help you out one day if you do XYZ". This has influenced what job DH does, where we live and countless other decisions. The one day keeps changing. When we got married, when we relocated back to his parents home town, when we had DC etc, we're all times when this help was going to be forthcoming but never was.

It's not about money, it's about control. He now tells his DP to stop when they start talking like this, and makes it clear he doesn't want anything from them. He doesn't care about the money, but he does resent the drawn out, manipulative attempts to control his life.

@BeatieBourke

There's nownt to take here. Our mothers funeral wiped us out. Just an observation.

Don't know what the "rest of us" is referring to. I suppose you might be neither landed gentry nor struggling and have an inheritance that is freely given or no strings. It doesn't seem to work that way from what I can see. Maybe it's just the company I keep.

…it’s the company you keep

@LipstickLou thank you. If ever I think my blood pressure is getting too low then I think about this stupid situation and it pops right back up again .

It is a fairly recent phenomenon of lots of people having significant estate to leave. Since home buying became widespread across income levels.

My DM is the first person in her family to have an estate to leave. Previous generations have only had the odd stick of furniture and a bit of jewellery. Unfortunately this has gone to her head a bit. She sees her relatively small estate as a lot of money. The reality is that divided up between her now adult GCs it is a decent house deposit but no more.

Trust Fund King DB also has funny ideas about DM's estate. In his mind it is DF's money (DF has been dead for more than 25 years) and therefore must not be squandered and should be left intact. Left to his own devices the GCs would have to justify to him why they should have access to any part of what is their inheritance. He would then veto any spending plans which didnt conform with his narrow views of how the money should be spent.

Needless to say, I have not said any of this to my own DCs but have made sure that other DB (parent of profoundly disabled DC) is aware.

It sounds like there's a backstory here, and some ill feeling between you and your parents from whom you may inherit.

IMO you should NEVER 'rely' on inheritance. Earn your own money, live your own life. If it comes, it comes, but don't assume.

My mum's friend basically waited for her mum to die for 40 years (she died at 104!!) to inherit her savings and £500,000 home. She ended up being in a nursing home for the last 25 years of her life and there wasn't a penny left. Mum's friend now lives in a caravan.

@Meruem - as I said in my post if your mother has "stolen" your inheritance then how did she do it? An executor has to abide by the terms of the will, if they haven't then you need to address it. I appreciate that you don't want to go into it all on MN, but if there is some backstory that you aren't willing to divulge then why mention it at all

@GnomeDePlume

Interesting. My siblings have all paid off their mortgages. We have not due to having to stop work for parental care. They all took their overseas holidays just before my father died. One asked to delay the funeral.
My sister objected to my father paying anything towards living costs when he came to live with us. In all it cost us at least at £100k in lost income and extra space. He did leave me a painting and she can sue me for it!
Interestingly her adult children back me and remain in my life.
Tbh my sister was nasty to me as a child and hasn't changed. One of my brothers is terminally ill and she isn't going to what may be has last birthday party. My late parents would have been appalled. Families? Bloody nightmare.

Mandalay246

I think you may have missed the part where I said this all happened in a different country where things work differently, and that I have tried unsuccessfully to get a copy of the will. It’s not that I am not willing to go into the backstory, more that it is of no interest to anyone. I mentioned it because it related to the thread title in that it has been difficult and I wish my GPs had just spent all their money and this issue never came up. My mum could just easily prove things by providing a copy of the will, which she must have as she dealt with the funerals etc, but as she won’t then of course I’m going to believe the worst.

@middleager

Nice problem to have. I come from a world without inheritance and it was only coming on here that I realised how common it seems with many MNetters who don't seem to get it isn't a 'thing' for many of us.

Totally. Posters here dont understand you can have no parents alive and no inheritance either. Its nit always a given.

Not for me and my siblings. We've received 'advanced' inheritance of about £400k each, in stages over 20 years. No advance expectations or strings attached on either side. In my case, it's paid for a chunk of house equity, a post grad degree, a holiday of a lifetime and a big wedding. And a continuing sense of financial security. It's been a blessing to be honest, we're so lucky. I hope to do the same for my kids.

My dad is going through similar with his siblings. The trust fund, valuables and inheritance of their mother is just causing stress and conflict between everyone. It’s painful to watch and listen. Also the tax on it is absolutely bizarre, how someone’s does, leaving their own money and possessions to their children and the tax man takes nearly half of it. Absolutely diabolical and an insult to the dead.