To think family money is a curse?

[BeatieBourke]

Of course, if your landed gentry and have trust funds coming out of eyeballs there might be more autonomy and independence than the rest of us have...

Similarly, if you're absolutely struggling to feed your family, you'll understandably put up with all sorts for the sake of feeding your kids. I've been there.

But otherwise, being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security? Nah, you're alright ta. I'll take staying in rented accommodation my whole life and live without holidays/decent cars/other keeping up with the Jones' stuff with whatever tiny buffer I can manage to scrape together from one month to the next and a degree of dignity.

AIBU?

If it’s not eaten up by carehomes, we’ll inherit a bit from both sides of the family. We aren’t dancing to anyone’s tune. No one is asking us to either.

I think you know some very dysfunctional families, to be thinking the thoughts you are.

How come you’re hanging out with so many landed gentry and trust fund people?

Anyway for those not in that stratosphere then generally inheritance is not something they think about day to day, it’s not held over people, and most would rather have their family member,

I think it’s just your social circle is very unique.

I think you're just discussing poor family relationships and unpleasant attitudes to money.

DH and I both stand to inherit, depending on care home fees etc. There have been generous cash gifts for major milestones that were given unasked for and without strings. None of this causes any drama nor does it occupy our thoughts or come up in conversation. I think that's the norm, you just don't notice because the people talking about inheritance or family money are the ones with drama.

Surely you just make your own way in the world regardless?
Do you know anyone who's said nah, I'll not buy a house/car etc, I'll sit on my bum not having financial autonomy because when my parents die in 30 years and assuming their assets aren't swallowed up with care fees I might have enough to buy a house.

@bushtailadventures

I think I know what you mean. I have a 'friend' who often talks about what she'll get when her Ddad dies (he lives in a bog standard semi) and how it's going to change her life. She's been talking like this for 20 years, and I've stopped listening now. When my Dmum died, the first thing she asked was what I would inherit! I don't understand the pre-occupation some people have with inheritance, it's like wishing someone elses life away.

Not just someone else's life, but also one's own! Waiting for something that may never happen. I don't understand it either.

Why think about inheritance at all as regardless of how much money there is no guarantee of anything coming your way. Parents can divorce, remarry, and leave everything to a step parent. Funds can be eaten up by care home fees, and funeral expenses. Money can be left randomly to a charity, distant relative, next door neighbour etc.
Technically speaking I could receive a decent inheritance but I have no expectation of it and don't plan my life around it.

I think your example of the 'rest' is what happens in a minority of families.

I'm only ever likely to come into a modest inheritance, same for my husband. I think that's what happens to most of the 'rest', if there is anything left it won't change my life and its not enough for anyone to hold over me.

[quote Debetswell]@oblada the French government will of course tax everything over €100k at 30%.[/quote]
Ha yes but we're ok tho as my parents are very money savvy so in practice have already moved everything to my and my brother's name (all the properties, it's easier in French law as they can still retain the right to live there for life - and we're shareholders to my dad's company which is where the rest of the money is pretty much, not as a business but as a legal vehicle if that makes sense) to limit any tax implications.

I do know what you mean OP, I certainly know some people who are relying on it for the future eg it will be their pension.
Inheritance is a weird one because the notion of leaving stuff to your dc is natural but it's one of the biggest causes of inequality particularly with the dysfunctional housing market we have.
And then we also have a huge deficit when it comes to care, you don't pay for care in the home in the same way as care if in a home which may be something that has to change.

Surely nobody would live virtually their entire lives waiting for an inheritance that may never materialise?

Exactly.

YANBU but I think a lot of people won't understand. My in-laws are very wealthy and it does dictate our lives somewhat. FIL is very clear that if we want to share in the wealth he has created we need to learn to do it properly so that a legacy can be continued for his grandchildren (fair enough). So DH does what FIL tells him to do re where he lives and works. At the moment we are living pretty far away from all our family, DH doesn't really like the work, I can't work... it's just not somewhere I'd choose to live. But we stay here because of the future security we'll hopefully have.

But then there's a lot that could go wrong like if key investments fail plus inheritance is never a certainty anyway. So it's difficult and a gamble and sometimes I worry that it's not worth it or won't pay off. I recognise we're really lucky to have this as our main problem though.

I do think life is very unfair, OP. Some people have everything handed to them and others don’t, and sometimes I think life would be fairer if nobody inherited anything and everyone had to make their own way in an equal basis and all the money was shared out equally and used for things that would benefit everyone.

However, I also accept that it’s never going to happen, and that any attempts to do that would end up corrupted because human society (and likely human nature more generally) doesn’t seem to be able to work on a fully altruistic level.

And I include myself in that, because if I am fortunate enough to eventually inherit something (entirely dependent upon my parents long term health) I will pay any taxes due, but unless I’m unexpectedly, independently rich, I will definitely use it to make my own life a little more comfortable and won’t be donating it all for good works.

I tend to see inheritance like a lottery. You may think you have a winning ticket then find out at the last minute that the relative hadnt actually got round to updating their will and everything has been left completely differently.

A friend of the family definitely got a winning ticket. As the only child of only children with a number of childless relatives an awful lot of modest inheritances have funnelled in making him very wealthy. He hasnt worked harder than other people, has just been lucky.

Sorry, I see I’ve strayed away from your actual question, OP. And no, if someone wanted me to jump through hoops in order to secure a theoretical inheritance, I don’t think I could do it. I’m very lucky my parents are wholly reasonable people and would never use their money as a lever to control me, which I see is what you’re talking about.

My parents (70s) have estate planned. They currently look after my 95 year old nan. They are discussing paying off my mortgage when she passes but I'm not going to bank on it, I'll do what I've always done and plough as much money into my pension, savings and mortgage as I can each month.

Trouble is with inheritance is that it can be eaten by care fee's and then you're 60 with no pension for yourself.

I think it comes down to the people involved rather than the inheritance itself, I have never expected to receive anything (quite the reverse as it wouldn't be a lot and I've been encouraging my parents to spend the money they've worked for). It's also feasible for your parents to outlive you, my parents are only 20yrs older than me so should I be waiting until I'm 60 to start my life? crazy.

We've just carried on living our lives on the assumption that we won't get anything. I theoretically will inherit quite a lot of money. But I might not, you never can assume anything nowadays with nursing home fees etc. At 100k a year the money can dwindle to nothing PDQ.
I look after my parents because I want to, not because of what money I might get out of them at some point in the future.
If we do get money then we will decide then what we'll do with it, but it certainly doesn't factor in our plans because you just can't rely on it.

@BananaSnowman

YANBU but I think a lot of people won't understand. My in-laws are very wealthy and it does dictate our lives somewhat. FIL is very clear that if we want to share in the wealth he has created we need to learn to do it properly so that a legacy can be continued for his grandchildren (fair enough). So DH does what FIL tells him to do re where he lives and works. At the moment we are living pretty far away from all our family, DH doesn't really like the work, I can't work... it's just not somewhere I'd choose to live. But we stay here because of the future security we'll hopefully have.

But then there's a lot that could go wrong like if key investments fail plus inheritance is never a certainty anyway. So it's difficult and a gamble and sometimes I worry that it's not worth it or won't pay off. I recognise we're really lucky to have this as our main problem though.

I don’t think you sound lucky tbh. I wouldn’t live like that, in a location I didn’t like, where I’m unable to work, with my DH doing a job he doesn’t like either.

It's only a curse if people are daft enough to rely on it. A long long time ago I decided I'd never assume we'd inherit family money, partly after an inheritance due to DH got sidelined by an uncle who then left it all to a mate of his. We might inherit a bit of money but I assume we won't and make plans for this.

Anyone unlucky enough to have a family that dangles the inheritance like a whip to beat them into behaving a certain way should just walk off and make their own way in life.

@BananaSnowman - that is a perfect description of what I'd never do. Really, can't you rethink? Get jobs you both love in an area you love. You have no idea whether such a capricious, bullying person will change their mind and leave it all to the black sheep of the family who did their own thing. Don't live your lives enslaved to the whim of the generation before you.

I am in line to receive a chunky inheritance. But I have lived my life as if I will receive nothing. I am trying to encourage my father to spend as much of it as he can on having a wonderful and comfortable retirement.

I earn well and am well-off in my own right (am mid-30s). If I inherit nothing I will still earn well and be very comfortable, with everything I could possibly want.

I don’t see how it’s bitter either, I am probably going to receive a fairly nice inheritance but I didn’t live my life waiting on it, I just bought my own house anyway. No need to spend your time hand wringing and being a slave to anyone for what is essentially just a bonus - I have plenty of friends without any parents who would feel like I’d kicked them and was being entitled if I said any of what OP had said.

The thing about inheritance (if I get one, and it doesn't all go on care home fees etc) is that I'd probably by 50/60 even 70 by the time I got it - this is true for most people.

At which point I'll be well past the most expensive part of my life, and it would just be bonus money. Nice of course, but absolutely not worth rearranging my life for in the hope that we'll be quids in.

Much better to just crack on doing our own thing and making our own financial plans, and to encourage our parents to spend the money they have on care when they need it.

I see on MNs all the time I will inherit X so plenty have the assumption.

I just think its weird to build your life around the assumption that you might recieve something one day. And I know people who worry about whether they will or they won't

I don't think many people do this. I certainly didn't and have since inherited a reasonable amount of money when the last of my parents died. I assumed it would all be eaten up by living costs for my Dad in his retirement and then possible care home fees. He died before he had to go into a care home and unexpectedly so a lot younger than I might have thought. If he'd lived another 7 or 8 years there would not have been a penny left.
I actively told him to buy whatever he wanted and spend whatever he wanted on whatever he wanted. That was his money and he shouldn't be saving it for me.

I don't know if you're talking about people who have toxic relationships with their parents. The parents hold the inheritance over them in order to manipulate their adult children to do what they want? The whole relationship has been toxic anyway and constant belittling makes people feel like they aren't capable of making their own way.
Do you mean something like that`?