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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family money is a curse?

213 replies

BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 00:24

Of course, if your landed gentry and have trust funds coming out of eyeballs there might be more autonomy and independence than the rest of us have...

Similarly, if you're absolutely struggling to feed your family, you'll understandably put up with all sorts for the sake of feeding your kids. I've been there.

But otherwise, being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security? Nah, you're alright ta. I'll take staying in rented accommodation my whole life and live without holidays/decent cars/other keeping up with the Jones' stuff with whatever tiny buffer I can manage to scrape together from one month to the next and a degree of dignity.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 02:11

I don't for a second think that having money makes loss or bereavement any less. When my mother died, having enough money to pay for her funeral might have made things a tiny bit less stressful , but if she'd left me a squillion quid I would of course have rather just have my mum.

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 01/08/2021 05:12

@BeatieBourke

No, that's not what I'm saying. I just think its weird to build your life around the assumption that you might recieve something one day. And I know people who worry about whether they will or they won't. And I think I'd rather know that I won't and have some certainty.
I suppose some people may be like that. But I've certainly not built my life around my potential inheritance, and can't say I ever think about it unless it comes up in a thread like this.
ZealAndArdour · 01/08/2021 05:18

Could be worse, you could stand to receive an inheritance, but you’ll be receiving everything that should have been split between two, because your sibling died age 25.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/08/2021 05:24

It all depends on people's relationship with money. Work hard to live well and don't care for money with no purpose and you'll be fine. Want to sit on your arse and receive money you didn't earn? You'll have issues.

I know people in both camps.

Winwins · 01/08/2021 05:27

I’ve got nothing to inherit, so sorry if this is a sillly question. How does a potential future event have such a massive impact on someone’s life now?

MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 01/08/2021 05:32

I do get what you're saying, OP. That in some families the inheritance is help up as a promise threat by which to judge or coerce the adult children's behaviour. Some people feel they can live freely because it might put their inheritance at risk and this is no way to live.

I agree with PP's who say this is much more to do with having a toxic family life than anything else and there are enough threads on here that show what damage it can do.

RightYesButNo · 01/08/2021 05:35

Being “beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance” is a toxic family relationship. No; if your family is healthy, that’s not how it works, end of. Family money is only a curse for those who use it as a form of manipulation, and if those people didn’t have money, they’d use something else, because it’s who they are. It’s not about money; it’s about control. As long as such an arsehole isn’t involved, an inheritance is supposed to be a gift that you pass on to those you loved once you’re gone.

SaltySheepdog · 01/08/2021 05:47

I might get an inheritance (who knows?!) however I’ve built my whole life around expecting nothing. I’ve made my own home, my own career and my own lifestyle. I’m quite proud of my efforts!

DDIJ · 01/08/2021 05:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Ideasplease322 · 01/08/2021 06:07

I think you have gotten yourself very wound up over something that isn’t really that real.

Most people don’t rely in inheritances to buy houses, or to keep up with the Jones’s. Most people make their own way in the world, some with a little help yes, but inheritances tend to some much later in life (thankfully).

Most people aren’t desperately waiting for an inheritance, and most people aren’t dangling their homes and bank accounts over their adult children’s heads and forcing them to dance like puppets for it,

You sound bitter, and deeply out of touch,

21Bee · 01/08/2021 06:13

I worked for a man who had inherited hundreds and hundreds of millions, his uncle died rather unexpectedly and he came into the line for inheritance. He was a kind man who couldn’t do enough for his staff but it was clear he’d of rather not inherited. He always talked about the life he was supposed to have.

bushtailadventures · 01/08/2021 06:19

I think I know what you mean. I have a 'friend' who often talks about what she'll get when her Ddad dies (he lives in a bog standard semi) and how it's going to change her life. She's been talking like this for 20 years, and I've stopped listening now. When my Dmum died, the first thing she asked was what I would inherit! I don't understand the pre-occupation some people have with inheritance, it's like wishing someone elses life away.

EssentialHummus · 01/08/2021 06:22

toxic family relationship

This. I have a problematic relationship with my parents. It’s one of the things that motivated me to earn a lot! I can now have a relationship with them on my terms/with boundaries, and they are free to leave their assets to the donkey sanctuary.

I know a couple of families where money is dangled like a carrot, inc two now where the parents offered to help adult children with house deposits but wanted a say in the property/area… said children were in their late thirties/forties. That’s “fuck off and keep your money” territory for me.

oblada · 01/08/2021 06:24

Well I'm French so my inheritance, whenever it may come, has no string attached as the law doesn't allow you to disinherit your children. My parents will have to split the bulk of their estate between me and my brother. I'm not beholden to them. Given life expectancy in my family the money will be useful for my own children potentially unless i use it to have a very luxurious retirement. Even for my children it may come after they have bought their own house and settled down themselves.

Maggiesfarm · 01/08/2021 06:41

If you're happy with your lot Beatle, good for you. I am too. However it's not all about money. Plenty of rich people bring up lovely children who have social consciences and are prepared to work hard. They don't spend all their time waiting to inherit, they are encouraged to make the most of their lives; they're not 'flash' and when their parents eventually do die, they genuinely mourn them and their inherited wealth is a bonus which they try to use wisely.

Of course there are billionaires who rule their families with rods of iron, controlling their children's every move and being ostentatious - not nice - but most of the rich are basically quite ordinary and well aware of how fortunate they are, which can be humbling. It's a huge responsibility.

Life has ups and downs regardless of money and status, people experience pain, illness, bereavement, heartbreak. The important thing is to be happy in your own skin and if you have children, love them to bits and guide them towards being responsible adults. Most of those children would rather have their parents around than waiting for them to pop their clogs.

speakout · 01/08/2021 06:42

not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security?

How does inheritance impact though?
Surely you just carry on your live and financial planning as anyone else does. If you get an inheritance that is a bonus- not something you should be relying on.
Some rich relatives live subbornly to a very old age.

rwalker · 01/08/2021 06:45

I have no problem with inheritance the people I come across that do just seem bitter and jealous because they haven't or won't get any .

For me it's about when people expect it and a literally planning how they are going to spend it and the parents aren't even dead .

It would be lovely if I get some from my parents but if I don't I don't it's there money not mine.

There was a thread the other day a woman had zero relationship with her dad estranged for years and wanted to know if he was dead so she could pursue inheritance they hadn't even spoken for year and he ad another family .

Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 06:48

Have you been watching Succession, OP? Life's not really like that

Debetswell · 01/08/2021 06:54

@oblada the French government will of course tax everything over €100k at 30%.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 01/08/2021 06:56

I would rather have my parents alive than their money. Its not something I ever think about.

ShippingNews · 01/08/2021 06:56

@SaltySheepdog

I might get an inheritance (who knows?!) however I’ve built my whole life around expecting nothing. I’ve made my own home, my own career and my own lifestyle. I’m quite proud of my efforts!
Same with me. I did get the inheritance, but I lived my life as if it wasn't going to happen. After all, Mum could have left it all to a cat's home and I'd have got nothing, so I worked on that assumption and never thought about it until it happened. I had a good career, bought a nice home and educated my kids on my own efforts. When Mum died it was a nice bonus to inherit enough to have a good "rest of my life" .
Wanttocry · 01/08/2021 06:56

not being able to plan your own future

Why would you not be able to plan your own future? Surely you just plan as if you aren’t going to get any inheritance because you never know what will happen, and then anything you do get is additional.

LimeRedBanana · 01/08/2021 07:01

As ever with anything really - you only ever tend to hear about things when they go bad.

E.g. MN would have you believe everyone’s in God awful relationships, because that’s all you ever read about on here. People don’t come on to talk about their happy, mutually satisfying, loving relationship, do they?

Same with easy, non-dysfunctional families and inheritances. When our last parent died, DB and I inherited the estate. All has gone swimmingly.

It wasn’t something that either of us were waiting on, or needed. It wasn’t ever referred to, except at will writing time, of course. It certainly wasn’t dangled over us, or used to manipulate us. Because we had normal, loving parents, and a very good relationship ourselves.

Nothing to see here, pretty much. 🤷🏻‍♀️

80sMum · 01/08/2021 07:01

Most people probably don't receive an inheritance from their parents until they themselves are in their 60s or 70s, when the last of their parents dies - and even then, of course, there is no guarantee that there will be anything left to inherit, as wealth could have been eaten away by care home fees.
Surely nobody would live virtually their entire lives waiting for an inheritance that may never materialise?

Musication · 01/08/2021 07:02

I don't fully understand the op but I have zero inheritance coming my way. My parents are divorced and both hopeless with money.
DH has had a few smallish payouts due to inheritance but nothing life changing.
I've watched friends watch their supposed inheritance be spent on care costs and then feel resentful but to me this is very likely to happen and people are mad to rely on it.
We rely on nothing but our own hard work and savings - I think many are the same.