to ask how you deal with foreign names?

[pocpocpoc]

I am going through a bit of soul searching and just trying to understand...

I have a foreign name, which is very short and pretty meaningful to me (I guess all names are meaningful to their owners). I've been with my English DH for over 20 years and no one in his family can get my name right.

Imagine my name was Bjork. The Christmas cards would say: Bork, Biork, Bok, Barca, Orca, Karma, Beth, some random Icelandic-sounding words. Not Bjork. To make it worse, same people use different spellings at different times.

My name is not Bjork, but it is only five letters. It is very easy to check on FB, Whatsapp, LinkedIn, even google. Obviously, I always sign with my correct name when I message them.

To prevent potential lines of questioning, I don't know any of them to be dyslexic, most of them are at least degree educated, most of them work in the types of organisations, where unconscious bias training is compulsory. Many speak foreign (European) languages, they have European cousins and most are reasonably well-travelled. Also, I have observed the family taking spellings very seriously when it comes to Western names. For instance, when DS was born and we gave him a Western name, there was a lot of interest in what specific spelling we would use for him.

We challenged a couple of friendlier relatives. One said that they just find it very very difficult to 'comprehend' my name, because it is so foreign and exotic and just 'doesn't roll off the tongue'. Another one said it was DH's fault for not teaching my name to them properly - DH tried in earlier years and then gave up. Apparently, they didn't realise I took it so personally. Recently, I messaged back a person who yet again got my name wrong giving them the right spelling- I received no response.

Can someone please give me an insight? What do you think is going on? Do you find foreign names difficult? Is it a huge drag to check and potentially copy a spelling of a foreign name? Would you just use a random combination of letters or random foreign-sounding words to address someone?

I want to understand before I judge.

AIBU to find this upsetting?

I think you're reading too much into it. I have an English name which can be spelt in about 3 or 4 different ways. People consistently misspell it and I ignore it.

I would check. I even stress over the names Claire (Clare?) and Jeff (Geoff?) As you say its very easy to check these days. My name is a popular 70s name and even that gets misspelled 😐

I’m sorry your family are so ignorant. This all sounds very embarrassing for them.

YANBU. They should really know after 20 years. I would always check the spellings names I am unsure of, even ones I am familiar with, e.g. Rachel or Rachael. For your in laws to be lazy in doing so after all this time is really not on and that they think it's an unimportant detail shows a xenophobic attitude imo.

Don’t give it much headspace. I have a fairly common enough name (ie I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t come across it before) in my home country with a perfectly usual and a acceptable spelling. Does anyone ever get the spelling right? Actually - more here than at home for some reason. Autocorrects in some databases always ‘corrects’ it too.

We have several family members and friends with 'foreign' (to us) names.
We take a lot of care to get spelling and pronunciation right. Including my 84yo mother. There is really no excuse!
I'm sorry you have to deal work this @pocpocpoc

I make sure I spell and pronounce names correctly but I’ve also had a lifetime of having my own name pronounced incorrectly and one of my children often has the same from relatives (it’s a name consistently considered one of the most popular in England).

@FortunesFave

I think you're reading too much into it. I have an English name which can be spelt in about 3 or 4 different ways. People consistently misspell it and I ignore it.

But to me that's totally different. My name can be spelled differently when you transcribe it into English letters and I don't mind that as much. What happens is not so much misspelling (as my original name is written in a different alphabet I honestly don't mind how it is written in English), it is more the use of random words that don't even sound like my name.

This laziness and arrogance pure and simple. It's not difficult to learn someone's name even if it is foreign. I have a very, very English name with a nickname that can have different endings. People constantly spell it wrong but not my family or my in laws and they aren't even British!

So no, you aren't being unreasonable to find it upsetting.

It must be very frustrating and does sound disrespectful. However, people generally are crap at spelling names. My mum is called something similar to Sharon. Her name is frequent spelled Sharron, Sharen, even Shannon - a totally different name! And by relatives too, who know full well what her name is. My son has a name which is both phonetic and quite popular. I am astounded at how often people spell it wrong- think John, but we get Jhon, Jon, Joan (!). It's incredible really. People just don't think to check spelling and clearly are not instinctive spellers.

I have an English name but it’s spelled unusually, I don’t actually know anyone else with the name spelled like my own. I’m in my 30s and a relative has never managed to spell my name in the right way on birthday and Christmas cards. It doesn’t bother me. But if it bothers you then YANBU to be upset.

I put this down to most people basically being dicks, and not caring about other people. I think you're likely experiencing a more extreme version of it, as you have a less common name, but I think even people with common names get it from people who just don't give enough of a shit to bother getting things right.

My name is Anna. It's one of the easiest names out there, and yet I regularly get called Ann and Anne and Hannah. It annoys the hell out of me. My friend Sara is constantly called Sarah, even from people who've known her for years. My colleague with the surname Gillman regularly gets called Gillian on email, so ignoring even her first name which is right there on the email.

I think when it's your family though, I'd be pointing it out (or getting your DH to point it out) because fgs, they should care enough to bother.

My daughter has a simple 5 letter English name. Written phonetically. There is even an equivalent in the country we live in.

Her name is often misspelled and mispronounced.

It's no biggie.

I completely agree with you, they should have learnt how to spell and pronounce your name by now..

However, it 's easily done. The correct spelling of Bjork is Björk

That is so rude. It’s not like it’s casual acquaintances getting your name wrong by mistake, but your in-laws doing it repeatedly for 20 years even when corrected. And not just one eccentric aunt, but several people in the family from what you say.

My DD has a non English name too: it’s not difficult to spell or exotic but it’s not a name in common use here. Almost no-one I know (including family and teachers) spells it correctly.

I have to check I spell people’s names correctly for work so it’s absolutely second nature for me. But I just don’t think there’s any excuse. It takes a few seconds to check this.

I wouldn’t say it’s racist because people routinely miss-spell English words too. I think it’s just laziness and a culture where people can’t be arsed.

They sound incredibly ignorant. I don't think I'm unusual in making an effort to spell and pronounce names correctly. I'm interested in name history and usage, as well, so it's rare that a name is unfamiliar to me.

As a web developer, I also ensure our forms and databases can take in any length of name, and containing any character, so as to ensure everyone gets their name their desired way.

Yanbu there is no excuse unless they are actually illiterate.
I have a bog standard English name that people frequently get wrong (think Sophie instead of Sophia) because they are idiots. Even at work, when they are responding to emails which clearly state my name! There’s no curing stupidity.

Also it sounds like not just misspelling e.g. Sharren for Sharon, but the equivalent of using Karen in the Christmas card instead. They might as well put ‘To DH and whatever her name is’

I have a colleague who I really don't like who is from another country and has a very 'not english' first and surname. Even though I rarely ever write his full name, I made a huge effort to learn it so I could at least spell it correctly and try to pronounce it correctly.

It is not hard to learn how to say or spell names you're not used to.

Uzo Aduba (crazy eyes from OITNB) said it best:

"So I went home and asked my mother if I could be called Zoe. I remember she was cooking, and in her Nigerian accent she said, “Why?” I said, “Nobody can pronounce it.” Without missing a beat, she said, “If they can learn to say Tchaikovsky and Michelangelo and Dostoyevsky, they can learn to say Uzoamaka.”

YANBU. They need to make the effort to learn your name properly.
I do find that some names just don’t stick in my head as easily as others, but I would always double check these non-sticky names to make sure I’ve got it right.

Tbf, it's not ransoms who can't say/spell OPs name, it's her husband's family.

You need to spell all their names wrong. Repeatedly. With variations every time you write it. What’s good for the goose….

Create a mnemonic to help remind them

Laziness and ignorance

If its Bjork and they spell it Beyork or Byork or Bork then you think ok, they've tried to work it out. But thats once of twice. Next time you write to them, they make a note if its really confusing