to ask how you deal with foreign names?

[pocpocpoc]

I am going through a bit of soul searching and just trying to understand...

I have a foreign name, which is very short and pretty meaningful to me (I guess all names are meaningful to their owners). I've been with my English DH for over 20 years and no one in his family can get my name right.

Imagine my name was Bjork. The Christmas cards would say: Bork, Biork, Bok, Barca, Orca, Karma, Beth, some random Icelandic-sounding words. Not Bjork. To make it worse, same people use different spellings at different times.

My name is not Bjork, but it is only five letters. It is very easy to check on FB, Whatsapp, LinkedIn, even google. Obviously, I always sign with my correct name when I message them.

To prevent potential lines of questioning, I don't know any of them to be dyslexic, most of them are at least degree educated, most of them work in the types of organisations, where unconscious bias training is compulsory. Many speak foreign (European) languages, they have European cousins and most are reasonably well-travelled. Also, I have observed the family taking spellings very seriously when it comes to Western names. For instance, when DS was born and we gave him a Western name, there was a lot of interest in what specific spelling we would use for him.

We challenged a couple of friendlier relatives. One said that they just find it very very difficult to 'comprehend' my name, because it is so foreign and exotic and just 'doesn't roll off the tongue'. Another one said it was DH's fault for not teaching my name to them properly - DH tried in earlier years and then gave up. Apparently, they didn't realise I took it so personally. Recently, I messaged back a person who yet again got my name wrong giving them the right spelling- I received no response.

Can someone please give me an insight? What do you think is going on? Do you find foreign names difficult? Is it a huge drag to check and potentially copy a spelling of a foreign name? Would you just use a random combination of letters or random foreign-sounding words to address someone?

I want to understand before I judge.

AIBU to find this upsetting?

@Bitofachinwag

a life time fan of Bjork and I know how to spell her name!

However, I am making a point that I don't expect them to make a special effort and write my name in my alphabet or use any special characters. Just five English letters and any spelling that actually sounds like my name would do!
Ok, so you just want people to get your name a little bit right, doesn't need to be completely right.

Yep, just approximately right would do.

Don't go out of your way and figure out how to insert foreign letters, just type anything remotely resembling my name - type of way.

YANBU, someone has spelt my 5-letter name wrong for the forth or fifth time this week. It's actually a piss easy name, mainly vowels.

But as soon as some people see a foreign name, they think they only have to make a token effort to spell it right. And yet if you spell their 4 letter English name incorrectly in revenge, they take pains to correct you.

I'd get your name right Op!
I do make a conscious effort to learn people's names because it's a massive bugbear of mine to hear people constantly misnamed... But I think I've realised that I'm alone it that, largely. Don't even get me started on the presenters completely massacring athletes names in the Olympics!

I have a name that can have many different variations. Think Kate/Katie/Katy etc. People getting it wrong never used to bother me when I was younger, but it bothers me now. BECAUSE THATS NOT MY CHUFFING NAME! It's the lack of respect.
And don't get me started when I'll text someone about the kids "Oh Millie would love that …" and they text back "So glad to hear Milly …"
I mean - it's. right. fucking. there. Get it right or fuck off. People really close to us do it too, I'm not talking about distant relatives or acquaintances. I've been known to rip birthday cards up on receipt of them, it pisses me off soo much.

You are 100% not being unreasonable. You should call them out, every time.

@Anordinarymum

My ex husband has a foreign name. A four letter word. It is also a very commonly used word by all, and still people could never get it right. It's not the word, its the thought (hurdle even) of another language and incorrect pronunciation and the rest.

Try finding a nickname you are happy with for text purposes.

No, this is where I draw a line. I will not be happy with any nickname. My two syllable, five letter name is what I want to be called.

My full name is more complicated - my second name is so long I am not sure my husband can spell it correctly, but I would not expect his family to go through that much effort! I think they would be surprised to know I have a second name ))

I’ll be honest and say I often struggle with the spelling and pronunciation of foreign names. I also struggle with a couple of family members who have names that for some reason I just can’t seem to remember the spelling of.

But I check and make sure I (hopefully!) always get it right. It’s a bit of a pain but doesn’t really take that long to double check!

It’s no coincidence that both my kids have names that only have one spelling and pretty much impossible to get wrong!

YANBU. Once or twice is a mistake, but if it happens multiple times, especially after correcting them it is really not on. I am currently addressing wedding invites and obsessively googling people to make sure I spell their names correctly! I even took out a free trial subscription to a newspaper because there was an article featuring one of DP's colleagues which listed all her children's names so that I could double check the spelling. I've been even more diligent with foreign/unusual names.

I get where you are coming from. I’ve got a foreign name, not too difficult to spell but most of my in-laws get it wrong. We’ve been married for 15+ years…I find it quite rude tbh, as if they can’t be bothered to put a tiny bit of effort in to learn to spell a name.

Wow, that is really rude! So not just a misspelling, but completely guessing your name? How can they now know your name by now? I always make sure to check facebook or similar for the exact spelling of a person's name so there is no way I would get their name completely wrong. Do they dislike you? It seems like an intentional dig.

My name is a simple one pronounced in a old fashioned way
I gave up in my mid twenties in correcting peoples so I actually call myself the name everyone else does - & as for the spelling!
But I view it this way - I have a terrible memory for peoples names so if they call me anything nearly like my name ...

I have an English name that has more than one spelling. It is often spelled wrong, even by relatives. I've had it spelled incorrectly by someone with the same name ffs...

Ignore the people saying 'its no biggie'

It's rude, ignorant and annoying. I would correct them every time with a deadpan face.

It is nothing other than absolute ignorance. The majority of the UK should be able to remember 5 letters in order. They just don't care enough to make the effort to learn and remember.

What happens to me is that instead of Mary/Mariam/Maryam they wold call me Karry, Marsha, Mark or Mailmen

Then that's not misspelling, that is just obnoxious behaviour. Is their behaviour towards you like that in other ways/circumstances. Are they racist - making some perverse point that you don't 'fit in' to their narrow minds?

Yeah it's rude of them not to double check the spelling, of course it is, a once (or twice off) mistake fair enough but all the time is just plain rude

My kids name is a relatively common name but there are several spellings of it. My own dad can’t get it right…..

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My name has a different spelling to the more ‘common’ way so am used to people spelling it wrong but not family.
If I were to write a card out to someone who’s name I wasn’t sure how to spell I would definitely double check first

If it’s the odd time from someone who doesn’t know you very well then ok but for people who you’ve known a long time it’s just lazy

This would annoy me. I have an English name but it can either end in y or i. Some of my friends for 20+ years still spell it wrong. I now spell their names wrong on purpose.

I have a name that can have many different variations. Think Kate/Katie/Katy etc. People getting it wrong never used to bother me when I was younger, but it bothers me now. BECAUSE THATS NOT MY CHUFFING NAME! It's the lack of respect.

It's officials who ask you your name, and then how to spell it. And then call you the wrong one eg Caroline (as in the line you draw) but they call you Carolyn (pronounced Linn). I just told you, two seconds ago!!!

What would happen if DH messaged them every single time and corrected them?

Mom, who is Apple? I didnt break up with Bjork.

Hey Joe, thanks for the card. Just fyi, ots Bjork not Krojb.

Uncle Dave was that card meant for us? It said Dave and Hareem, not Dave and Bjork?

Seriously Evan, its been 20 years. It really upsets Bjork when people write things like that instead of her name. It doesn't even sound like Bjork.

Dad do i need to worry? You se to have married me off to Beth instead of Bjork

Etc

I have this OP. There are characters in my name (of a particular heritage) that are not letters and you should see the strange things people do to try to acknowledge it but don't ever get it right, including family! EG think putting the hat above the n in piñata under the a

I'm Hungarian.
my name in short form is 4 letters.
it's like "Kati" instead of the English "Katie".

you'd think that's easy to remember, especially after 20 odd years.
but nope. FOUR letters are impossible to remember.
it doesn't matter that everything that I order has my name stated as "Kati" either, people are incapable of copying 4 letters correctly when writing name & address on a package!🙄🤷‍♀️

Mail & christmas cards are a rich source of entertainment so, for my own amusement, I have kept versions of my name as written by others.
I call it the Hallmark of Shame and my favourite one is the blank space where my name should be, so the inside of the card is addressed to:
Ben , and children

🤣

This drives me round the twist. When I was teaching, we had a lot of learners with non-English names. Most of these were not actually hard to pronounce, and if they were, you practiced a bit and then you got it right. I had certain colleagues who seemed quite proud of the fact that they couldn't pronounce "funny foreign names". It drove me mad, and I liked making passive-aggressive comments correcting them. I think they were just slightly thick people, really.

When I was at boarding school, the day Chinese and Korean kids arrived, the old bags in the school shop, when fitting them out for uniform, used to give them a British name. So they would go from being called Yan Kim to George, Harry or Charles with no say in the matter 🙄

I think your dh's family is incredibly rude. If the Starbucks barista gets your name wrong, who cares? But there is no excuse for family to continually get it wrong. It's really offensive.

Saying that though, my sister in law has a Chinese name and I cannot pronounce it correctly. Everyone else in my family calls her by a Western nickname but I think that's inconsiderate. I really like her and want to get her name right, but I just can't make those sounds. I have tried putting into Google because it will pronounce foreign words but no luck. I can spell it correctly in English though.

Drawing the line with a nickname for text purposes only but what is the alternative when people continue to offend ?