to ask how you deal with foreign names?

[pocpocpoc]

I am going through a bit of soul searching and just trying to understand...

I have a foreign name, which is very short and pretty meaningful to me (I guess all names are meaningful to their owners). I've been with my English DH for over 20 years and no one in his family can get my name right.

Imagine my name was Bjork. The Christmas cards would say: Bork, Biork, Bok, Barca, Orca, Karma, Beth, some random Icelandic-sounding words. Not Bjork. To make it worse, same people use different spellings at different times.

My name is not Bjork, but it is only five letters. It is very easy to check on FB, Whatsapp, LinkedIn, even google. Obviously, I always sign with my correct name when I message them.

To prevent potential lines of questioning, I don't know any of them to be dyslexic, most of them are at least degree educated, most of them work in the types of organisations, where unconscious bias training is compulsory. Many speak foreign (European) languages, they have European cousins and most are reasonably well-travelled. Also, I have observed the family taking spellings very seriously when it comes to Western names. For instance, when DS was born and we gave him a Western name, there was a lot of interest in what specific spelling we would use for him.

We challenged a couple of friendlier relatives. One said that they just find it very very difficult to 'comprehend' my name, because it is so foreign and exotic and just 'doesn't roll off the tongue'. Another one said it was DH's fault for not teaching my name to them properly - DH tried in earlier years and then gave up. Apparently, they didn't realise I took it so personally. Recently, I messaged back a person who yet again got my name wrong giving them the right spelling- I received no response.

Can someone please give me an insight? What do you think is going on? Do you find foreign names difficult? Is it a huge drag to check and potentially copy a spelling of a foreign name? Would you just use a random combination of letters or random foreign-sounding words to address someone?

I want to understand before I judge.

AIBU to find this upsetting?

My (British) name is often misspelled by friends and even family. DH's family. It's not a particularly unusual name, though there are different variations. My DC1 name is fairly popular / doing the rounds at the moment so should be pretty easy but nope, often one letter missing or in the wrong place.

I don't think this is because your name is foreign. It is because there is room for error and people are not interested enough to double check the spelling let alone learn it. Same as with mine and my DCs. I do struggle with unfamiliar names including foreign names but would check before writing down. I also struggle with pronouncing unfamiliar names sometimes. My friends son has a greek name with an 's' on the end, I haven't got the hang of when it's pronounced 'o' or 's' but tbh she doesn't expect people to get it right every time which is reasonable.

@MotionActivatedDog

You need to spell all their names wrong. Repeatedly. With variations every time you write it. What’s good for the goose….

Oh yes, this is a great idea! YANBU BTW. They’re just being ignorant fuckwits.

It's disrespectful and i correct people about mine. ESPECIALLY when they are rwplying to an email with my name in the address and signature! Fucking rude.

Correct people and then start mesaing woth their names too or something. It's really not that difficult to get person's name right and I deal with anmes from number of countries including coumtries where same name has 10 spellings)(Kayleigh, Mohammed etc). I just make sure I ask or look

Sorry for typos

I have a very British name only 4 letters only 2 ways to spell it. People get it wrong even though the correct spelling is in my email address. It's laziness

@PurpleParrotfish

Also it sounds like not just misspelling e.g. Sharren for Sharon, but the equivalent of using Karen in the Christmas card instead. They might as well put ‘To DH and whatever her name is’

Yes, you got it. It's not just misspelling. It is equivalent of using Karen instead of Sharon, but also Karl (occasionally they use male names), Sherpa (just a random foreign sounding word), Aroma (there was definitely an A and an R there).

I have a very unusual name from my father’s home country.It is unusual even there and typically used for boys. No one ever spells it correctly, even my own family. I am also frequently assumed to be Male because of it. It really has never bothered me, I think people just get fixed on a certain spelling/pronunciation and can’t get out of it. I look for the funny side, I never stop ribbing my boss who initially thought I was a man!

It depends on the intention I think. I have a team of 70, all from Nepal, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and India. Even if I learn their names, I will sometimes mistake the spelling such as Sandip/Sandeep, Muhammed/mohamad/Mohammed. I do my best and am contrite if I realize I have made a mistake but we are a big happy family and people know I have their back and love them all dearly as colleagues. As a Brit in the Middle East, my name is complicated and directly translated means something funny. I don't mind. My first name is alien in Arabic so people tend to use my middle name, Mary, but usually as Mariam/Maryam/Mariem and I don't mind because my first name literally sounds like xxcftsjf in Arabic.

@Bitofachinwag

I completely agree with you, they should have learnt how to spell and pronounce your name by now..

However, it 's easily done. The correct spelling of Bjork is Björk

I am a life time fan of Bjork and I know how to spell her name!

However, I am making a point that I don't expect them to make a special effort and write my name in my alphabet or use any special characters. Just five English letters and any spelling that actually sounds like my name would do!

This is me. I have a foreign name and it is becoming more popular here, but is still very unusual. There are several spellings in English. I don't mind people misspelling or mispronouncing it at first, but after a long period of correction etc, it becomes pure laziness and disrespect. I don't think you are 'reading too much into it', especially when you mention 'a random foreign word' that isn't even like your name - that's straying into xenophobia territory for me.

I would say, "I've told you multiple times that my name is Bjork, but you're not using it. What's going on?"

If they say ANYTHING other than "I am so sorry, I'm going to get it right from now on" then you have a green light to call them all Ermentrude forever, no matter what their name is.

It would not bother or upset me at all.. Some people will get confused about these things, and cant pronounce stuff, unless you make an issue,and try and teach them how to pronounce your name properly, and to write it correctly.

I have a name that is often mispelled and I have a surname that is forrin and very often mispelled and mispronounced. It irritates me in a low level way so I ALWAYS make sure I am careful with the names of other people.

One of my ILs has a very long Polish name and I make absolutely sure I get the s and the c and the z the right way round. It's the only respectful thing to do.

Why isn't your husband pulling them up on it?

My DH has a very standard French name, I don't really understand why people get it wrong but randoms do all the time and it is what it is.

But if my family were getting his name wrong all the time, I would definitely fix that! It's really disrespectful.

I have to check I spell people’s names correctly for work so it’s absolutely second nature for me. But I just don’t think there’s any excuse. It takes a few seconds to check this.

This. I work for an international company, do names are from all sorts of linguistic backgrounds. I don't know how to pronounce some of them, as I have only seen them written. But I have no excuse for spelling them wrong.

I have sat in meetings where people say their names - one last week was ,"Bonjour, I'm Antoine, and..." The next person started, "As Antonio said..." Antoine actually just said his own name, and it's written on his image on the screen. It's not like, "oh, there was a guy in the team in Prague last year who deals with that. Was he Anton, Andrii?
Something like that... let me dig out the mail..." no, it's on the screen right after he just said it! (I have no idea how Antoine felt about any of this.)

I can be more forgiving of people who get a name wrong when they're trawling their memory, but when someone is right there, saying it, how can you get that wrong directly after? I am unimpressed by people who screw that up, because even people who aren't good at remembering names should manage that.

One colleague is very fussy about his own name (David, not Dave) but often gets other people's names wrong, particularly if there is any hint the name might have originated outside of England. I don't understand how you can be so fussy about your own name, and then not extend that courtesy to others. (Mind you, it's not the only way he's a dick.) If you're less bothered about your own name, it would follow that you might be less bothered about other people's names - but I'm not sure that slways correlates as you might expect.

@Nengineer

It depends on the intention I think. I have a team of 70, all from Nepal, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and India. Even if I learn their names, I will sometimes mistake the spelling such as Sandip/Sandeep, Muhammed/mohamad/Mohammed. I do my best and am contrite if I realize I have made a mistake but we are a big happy family and people know I have their back and love them all dearly as colleagues. As a Brit in the Middle East, my name is complicated and directly translated means something funny. I don't mind. My first name is alien in Arabic so people tend to use my middle name, Mary, but usually as Mariam/Maryam/Mariem and I don't mind because my first name literally sounds like xxcftsjf in Arabic.

I get it, that's why I am saying that I don't mind 'alternative' spellings.

What happens to me is that instead of Mary/Mariam/Maryam they wold call me Karry, Marsha, Mark or Mailmen.

Like PP my name can be spelt (and pronounced) a couple of different ways. I gave up correcting people when I got detention for correcting a teacher for the umpteenth time aged 13.

My husband and I have fairly British/western names and they're frequently misspelled. Mine I could have imagined maybe one other way to spell it and I've seen about 6.

as a (very) random aside, I find that Americans are brilliant at getting names right. I work with our US office and their clients and they will usually ask once how my name is pronounced and then NEVER get it wrong. I really like that.

a life time fan of Bjork and I know how to spell her name!

However, I am making a point that I don't expect them to make a special effort and write my name in my alphabet or use any special characters. Just five English letters and any spelling that actually sounds like my name would do!
Ok, so you just want people to get your name a little bit right, doesn't need to be completely right.

Next time it happens, get your DH to phone them up. He can say that he happened to see the email/card/message, he can't understand why they are calling you by the wrong name, so he thought he'd better contact them to let them know so they don't make such an embarrassing faux-pas again.

With any luck that will do the trick.

It's laziness with a heavy dose of arrogance. I have a 'foreign' name and this riles me in the workplace. It's a huge microaggression but I would make a point of correcting them each time. I don't think it's petty. Failing that I would just entirely disengage.

@ahoyshipmates

Next time it happens, get your DH to phone them up. He can say that he happened to see the email/card/message, he can't understand why they are calling you by the wrong name, so he thought he'd better contact them to let them know so they don't make such an embarrassing faux-pas again.

With any luck that will do the trick.

Yes, we did that a lot in the early years. Then we gave up. And now we started doing it again and the responses are like I said "too difficult", "you can't expect us to know" etc.

It’s laziness. My husband is American but his/our last name is an Eastern European name from his ancestors from the 1800s. It’s 15 letters long and to an English speaker it looks like someone tipped a can of alphabet spaghetti onto a plate and said “that’s our name!”. No one gets it right even when we say it slowly and clearly to them. It looks more difficult than it is. My dad never bothers to write it correctly in envelopes when he sends Christmas cards, birthday cards.

Mostly people are just lazy but some are plain rude. I had a hospital appointment and when they called my name in the waiting room the woman said the first syllable and started to stumble so I stood up and said my name for her and she just shrugged her shoulders and said “yeah whatever”. My husband finds that offensive because his name means a lot to him.

My ex husband has a foreign name. A four letter word. It is also a very commonly used word by all, and still people could never get it right. It's not the word, its the thought (hurdle even) of another language and incorrect pronunciation and the rest.

Try finding a nickname you are happy with for text purposes.