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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you deal with foreign names?

279 replies

pocpocpoc · 30/07/2021 14:25

I am going through a bit of soul searching and just trying to understand...

I have a foreign name, which is very short and pretty meaningful to me (I guess all names are meaningful to their owners). I've been with my English DH for over 20 years and no one in his family can get my name right.

Imagine my name was Bjork. The Christmas cards would say: Bork, Biork, Bok, Barca, Orca, Karma, Beth, some random Icelandic-sounding words. Not Bjork. To make it worse, same people use different spellings at different times.

My name is not Bjork, but it is only five letters. It is very easy to check on FB, Whatsapp, LinkedIn, even google. Obviously, I always sign with my correct name when I message them.

To prevent potential lines of questioning, I don't know any of them to be dyslexic, most of them are at least degree educated, most of them work in the types of organisations, where unconscious bias training is compulsory. Many speak foreign (European) languages, they have European cousins and most are reasonably well-travelled. Also, I have observed the family taking spellings very seriously when it comes to Western names. For instance, when DS was born and we gave him a Western name, there was a lot of interest in what specific spelling we would use for him.

We challenged a couple of friendlier relatives. One said that they just find it very very difficult to 'comprehend' my name, because it is so foreign and exotic and just 'doesn't roll off the tongue'. Another one said it was DH's fault for not teaching my name to them properly - DH tried in earlier years and then gave up. Apparently, they didn't realise I took it so personally. Recently, I messaged back a person who yet again got my name wrong giving them the right spelling- I received no response.

Can someone please give me an insight? What do you think is going on? Do you find foreign names difficult? Is it a huge drag to check and potentially copy a spelling of a foreign name? Would you just use a random combination of letters or random foreign-sounding words to address someone?

I want to understand before I judge.

AIBU to find this upsetting?

OP posts:
Original poster
pocpocpoc · 31/07/2021 12:22

@wselesda
In your case it is completely understandable and it makes sense. The key is that you don’t discriminate based on origin of the name.

It is harder to understand how the whole family (save DH) are afflicted by the same condition, including those marrying into it, and how it only flares up when non-European names are concerned.

OP posts:
Pedalpushers · 31/07/2021 12:49

I work with people of many different nationalities and sometimes it does take me longer than I'd like to get to grips with their names. However, that means I double check every email I send to make sure I've written it correctly until it is second nature. My own name is the female version of a male name (think Michaela) and the amount of people who write to me as Michael boils my blood.

mustlovegin · 31/07/2021 23:22

Parents used to say can you pronounce Tchaikovsky? Everyone always could, then make more effort with our name

Honestly, if this becomes the 'go to' phrase when someone has difficulty with a name, we may be getting into twatty territory.

Tchaikovsky is a world famous composer, whose name spelling and pronunciation anyone can easily google. Not a fair comparison.

I occasionally use the service of a professional (think dietitian). I can spell his name, but I struggle to remember how it is pronounced. I write it down and then I forget where I've left my notes. I'm not prepared to torment myself over this. If he ever got stroppy with me and started going on about Michelangelo, I would consider it very disrespectful and take my business elsewhere.

The OP's situation is different as there is an apparent rift with the ILs which has been going on for 20 years and she needs to get to the bottom of it.

moonbedazzled · 31/07/2021 23:41

@addictedtotheflats

I think its ignorant and lazy and a racist micro aggression.

So when people from overseas didn't pronounce my English 6 letter name correctly, they were being racist towards me? Am I a victim of racism? Interesting.

StoneofDestiny · 01/08/2021 00:05

This isn't about mispronouncing a name slightly. She has been a family member of 20 years and despite being told repeatedly, they keep up the nonsense that OP refers to here.......

What happens to me is that instead of Mary/Mariam/Maryam they wold call me Karry, Marsha, Mark or Mailmen.

moonbedazzled · 01/08/2021 00:29

@StoneofDestiny

Yeah, they call me by a different name. They don't have my name in their own languages so they use a name that is similar but very different that exists in their own languages. As an English speaker you would not confuse the two names. And @addictedtotheflats actually said that everyone should make sure they pronounce other people's names correctly or it's racist. See below.

"I think its ignorant and lazy and a racist micro aggression. I ALWAYS ask people if I have pronounced their name correctly, I work in a very multicultural city in A&E and work alongside a lot of people with "non british" names. I am forever corecting people when they pronounce the names of people incorrectly who they have been working with for months even years."

Therefore, from what addicted is saying, I'm a victim of racist micro aggression.

GrolliffetheDragon · 01/08/2021 00:40

I'm terrible at names, but put a lot of effort into spelling and pronouncing names properly. If I'm not confident, I apologize and ask.

I'm descended from immigrants a couple of generations back, there are a lot of non-English names in the family. I have some idea how annoying it is when people don't even try to get your name right.

Volhhg · 01/08/2021 00:47

YANBU. The family are extremely lame and I would be offended that they hadn't made the effort after all this time. How long does it take to memorize one word and pronounce it correctly? These people are twats

Mother87 · 01/08/2021 00:55

I'm persistently/obstinately/resolutely 'determined' about this. There's IS no excuse.... I correct/re-correct/have address labels/repeat... Am like a broken record... Always will be

safclass · 01/08/2021 01:17

My name is abritish name 5 letters. Ive had over 5 different spellings for it. Ive been with hubby 20yrs and some of his relatives still get it wrong. It doesnt bother me, theyre lovely people and i know they like me.
However i wouldnt do it. I would check. I would read the cards people send me to make sure i have the correct spelling. Unless they are making it about 'it being a foreign name' i would nt take it to heart.

Moelwynbach · 01/08/2021 01:20

This pisses me off its a refusal to remember your name properly and can be pretty racist I think. It's not hard to call people by their name and make an effort to learn the correct spelling.

Mamamamycorona · 01/08/2021 04:20

It's disrespectful. They have an expert in your name to ask, they have cards etc.. with your name written in. Not OK. I'm getting old and grumpy and tired of people taking the piss because I don't mind 😖 I do!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2021 08:25

I would like to know what your name really is if none of your students ever could say it. Because I've never come across a name no one could pronounce

riromay · 01/08/2021 08:57

Extremely disrespectful! Please please start calling every single one a different name every time. Hopefully they'll get the point sooner rather than later

CrotchetyQuaver · 01/08/2021 10:17

I remember my dad being a dick about this when I was a kid, there was a boy in the class called Yan and dad always used to pronounce it Jan. One day in irritation I asked him why he always pronounced with with a "J" when it was spelt with a "Y".

I get really pissed off when people mispronounce my name which whilst not common is not that unusual. I will always ask and make a note of spelling and pronunciation if it's a name I've not come across before, so I know for next time

Etulosba · 01/08/2021 10:29

I work with people from all over the world and sometimes they struggle with my name and sometimes I struggle with theirs. It happens.

I don’t lose any sleep over it.

KittenKong · 01/08/2021 10:34

Someone mangled my name and actually called me ‘Vagina’ to my face at work. Well, I survived.

Beat that Mary/Marie...

Nononsense2 · 01/08/2021 10:52

If they were only acquaintances that wouldn't bother me but they're relatives and it shows lack of consideration. They had 20 years to learn your name and they haven't bothered.

Musicaltheatremum · 01/08/2021 11:01

I have a rare Scottish surname (my birth surname as I use this professionally). I work in Scotland if I had a pound for every misspelling I'd be rich! I'm a GP so get a lot of letters from professionals and patients. Loads misspelt. Some are very very funny. My married surname has the English spelling and it's always spelt the Scottish way if I don't say anything. Does annoy me a bit people who done get it right as I married 34 years ago.

About to marry again and will get another name that can be spelt in 2 ways but I will have the Scottish way in Scotland this time. 👍👍😂

lap90 · 01/08/2021 11:07

It's ignorant and lazy.

If I have ever been unsure about the spelling of someone's name, a quick search on facebook provides clarity.

grey12 · 01/08/2021 11:16

My name exists in all european languages with slightly different ways to say it. So people in the UK tend to call the anglicised version. Cue (terrible) song: "that's not my name 👏 that's not my name 👏 "

Early on I adopted the english short version.

Not my actual name but for example: Catarina, Catherine, Katherina, wtv...... soooo Cat! No my name but ok as a nickname.

Close people end up practicing and learning how to say it properly Wink DH and PILs, for example, don't need to call me "Cat"

TroublesomeTrucks · 01/08/2021 12:00

I’m a member of a whats app group for people in my field of work and a new member with an Irish name joined. One of the other members announced he was going to spell her name phonetically as the correct spelling was “too hard”. I thought that was unbelievably rude.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2021 12:03

@TroublesomeTrucks

I’m a member of a whats app group for people in my field of work and a new member with an Irish name joined. One of the other members announced he was going to spell her name phonetically as the correct spelling was “too hard”. I thought that was unbelievably rude.
If I were admin, I would simply remove them.
ThinWomansBrain · 01/08/2021 12:13

rude and lazy
can you think of a simple aide-memoire to help with spelling or pronunciation?

eg - Bjork, rhymes with Stork
I've recently acquired a new contact at work - name pronounced the same an another woman in a similar role but a different spelling, was forever double checking before I clicked send. etc. After a few weeks, I was ridiculously happy to spot that the one that spells her name with an "A" is the woman from Aberdeen, problem solved.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/08/2021 12:22

@TroublesomeTrucks

I’m a member of a whats app group for people in my field of work and a new member with an Irish name joined. One of the other members announced he was going to spell her name phonetically as the correct spelling was “too hard”. I thought that was unbelievably rude.
reminds me of a team I worked with (who admittedly two of them used anglicised names instead of African names). Even after I told them the correct pronunciation of a colleagues name, they still spelt it correctly, but avoided using her name, or came out with a painful strangulated Knee-am-her instead of Niamh.