to ask how you deal with foreign names?

[pocpocpoc]

I am going through a bit of soul searching and just trying to understand...

I have a foreign name, which is very short and pretty meaningful to me (I guess all names are meaningful to their owners). I've been with my English DH for over 20 years and no one in his family can get my name right.

Imagine my name was Bjork. The Christmas cards would say: Bork, Biork, Bok, Barca, Orca, Karma, Beth, some random Icelandic-sounding words. Not Bjork. To make it worse, same people use different spellings at different times.

My name is not Bjork, but it is only five letters. It is very easy to check on FB, Whatsapp, LinkedIn, even google. Obviously, I always sign with my correct name when I message them.

To prevent potential lines of questioning, I don't know any of them to be dyslexic, most of them are at least degree educated, most of them work in the types of organisations, where unconscious bias training is compulsory. Many speak foreign (European) languages, they have European cousins and most are reasonably well-travelled. Also, I have observed the family taking spellings very seriously when it comes to Western names. For instance, when DS was born and we gave him a Western name, there was a lot of interest in what specific spelling we would use for him.

We challenged a couple of friendlier relatives. One said that they just find it very very difficult to 'comprehend' my name, because it is so foreign and exotic and just 'doesn't roll off the tongue'. Another one said it was DH's fault for not teaching my name to them properly - DH tried in earlier years and then gave up. Apparently, they didn't realise I took it so personally. Recently, I messaged back a person who yet again got my name wrong giving them the right spelling- I received no response.

Can someone please give me an insight? What do you think is going on? Do you find foreign names difficult? Is it a huge drag to check and potentially copy a spelling of a foreign name? Would you just use a random combination of letters or random foreign-sounding words to address someone?

I want to understand before I judge.

AIBU to find this upsetting?

I also have a non-English name which could be male or female. It is not pronounced as it's spelled. But even when told how to pronounce it, people get it wrong. Even one of my grandmothers persistently did this. I don't bother to push it if they're people who aren't close to me. It drives me nuts when they're family, so totally feel your pain. How bloody thoughtless

@whatkatydid2013

My name is one with multiple English spelling and people at work regularly reply with wrong one on emails where the right one is right there in my signature. You’d think family would make a bit more effort though as it’s surely not that hard to write it down somewhere and copy it each time they write to you

No one at work gets my name wrong, maybe one out of 300 emails would misspell my name.

I have a Japanese name. Once someone wrote me 'dear sushi'. 😑

My husbands family regularly spell my name wrong. It’s a British name and we’re a British family. I do appreciate it’s a long name to spell so I don’t really care, it makes me laugh actually!

By the sounds of it it looks like you’re just going to have to accept this quirk of your husbands family. They mustn’t take the spelling of someone’s name as seriously as you do and from what you say it seems like they’re not trying to upset you on purpose.

@RavenclawsRoar

It must be very frustrating and does sound disrespectful. However, people generally are crap at spelling names. My mum is called something similar to Sharon. Her name is frequent spelled Sharron, Sharen, even Shannon - a totally different name! And by relatives too, who know full well what her name is. My son has a name which is both phonetic and quite popular. I am astounded at how often people spell it wrong- think John, but we get Jhon, Jon, Joan (!). It's incredible really. People just don't think to check spelling and clearly are not instinctive spellers.

I agree it must be massively frustrating, but to be honest, I agree with this.

I always check I'm using the correct spelling when replying to emails (I work a lot with Welsh people), but I think that literacy standards are a lot worse than they seem on the surface.

You only have to look at how literacy declines between a cover letter that someone has had help with, to their replies ad hoc.

Especially evident in book reviews and forums - invented names with only one correct spelling that is repeated throughout the book, spelled incorrectly. The person is clearly literate enough to read lengthy books for pleasure, but the correct spelling still escapes them.

I think it's rude at best, passive aggressive at worst.

Years ago I worked with a woman who called me by the wrong name constantly. My name is Emma, which I think is possible the most straightforward name in English. It doesn't have any other spellings or pronunciations right? Well, not according to this woman. She called me Gemma. Constantly. For 3 years. I corrected her every time and she would say "oh yes, sorry" but keep doing it! My only explanation for this was that she didn't like me for whatever reason and this was her way of demonstrating it.

Eventually I lost my shit and asked her outright why she still called me Gemma after 3 years, hundreds of corrections and me wearing a flippin' name badge! I told her I found it rude and disrespectful that she couldn't bother to learn what my name was. Her response was that it didn't really matter, its a similar name and I was being rude to her! So I told her if she called me Gemma again I'd start calling her Mary (not her name) and put in a complaint.

She magically learned it after that.

@Kay1111
By the sounds of it it looks like you’re just going to have to accept this quirk of your husbands family. They mustn’t take the spelling of someone’s name as seriously as you do and from what you say it seems like they’re not trying to upset you on purpose.

Sadly, my conclusion is quite the opposite: even if they don't want to upset me on purpose, they still regard me as someone so inferior as to not be worth any tiny amount of effort. I have multiple examples of them actually takin spelling seriously. Like I said previously, they make a lot of fuss over their DCs' names being spelt in a more 'classy' way, I was also a bit astonished when they called me after my DS was born to check what exact spelling we would use on his Western name. We have a European BIL and his name is spelled with European spelling rather than English one.

@manuelandviolin

I have a Japanese name. Once someone wrote me 'dear sushi'. 😑

Wow. So sorry to hear of that. Utterly disrespectful and offensive.

My IL can not do that because they wouldn't be able to name a single food from my country. So they just use any random foreign sounding words instead.

A lot of people really struggle with foreign sounding names, I really don’t get.

My first name is a very common western name, my surname is a foreign sounding name. So many times, as soon as they see my surname, they seem to make up an entirely new foreign first name for me. I don’t get, I really don’t get it!

It’s ignorance, laziness and prejudice.

@PlasticEgg

Lots of tales of mis spelled and mispronounced names. Seems to be a lot of people who struggle with names in their native language. Throw in an Anglicised version of a name that uses a different alphabet and they've got no chance.

I used to work with a guy called Owen. We were on a two year contract in Eastern Europe. Every day, for the whole of that two years, he got called Oven. Not by absolutely everyone he met - some people called him Ven - but by most people. He got kind of conditioned after a while and just answered to it.

I still can't pronounce w and do v in most words😩 godforsaken sound

I think mispfonounciation based on local and familiar /unfamiliar noises is toldrable in general. Some are quite hard tp get right

I have an unusual name and friends, family and ILs usually misspell it. I think they are not meticulous/pedantic enough rather than deliberately malicious. So I don't give it a second thought if they otherwise mean well.

At work it's usually different as most people try to be careful in a professional environment.

Pure ignorance and laziness. You are reasonable to take it personally as it is personal! I would keep correcting politely until they get the message. If the response is...'you're taking it too personally' then say, 'well yes it is MY name'. Honestly it's just so rude.

I think a lot of people are not reading the OP properly, or her subsequent posts in which she has spelt it out. This is NOT about misspelling.
It is about 20 years of her husband’s family replacing her name with various random names/words, even after being politely corrected and asked not to do so. There is no general problem with her having a ‘tricky’ name - everyone else manages to get it right 99% of the time. And she’s said a spelling mistake wouldn’t bother her that much anyway.
I’m afraid the most likely explanation is the simplest - that they are racist. Unless they’ve taken against you for some other reason- you didn’t accidentally run over the family cat or anything OP?
And please RTFT people!

Yip @purplecatdog. Soz i mean @PurpleParrotfish 😁

Same thing

• I still can't pronounce w and do v in most words😩 godforsaken sound

I think mispfonounciation based on local and familiar /unfamiliar noises is toldrable in general. Some are quite hard tp get right*

Pronunciation of foreign names is a completely different topic. For some reason English speakers can not pronounce my name - some try really hard but just can't. Germans, Italians, French, Eastern Europeans, even Americans - no problem. I am kind of used to it and don't mind when my name is 'modified', as long as it remotely sounds like my name.

Yanbu. I'm dyslexic and I have to check all the time when I'm doing Christmas cards. As there's often different spellings for different names. A foreign name is no different. All names can be learned.

Some might take a bit of work just like any new word. Although tbh the fuss done people make over unusual or foreign names is a bit much.

even if they don't want to upset me on purpose, they still regard me as someone so inferior as to not be worth any tiny amount of effort

There seem to be a few issues you need to address with your in-laws as obviously many of their behaviours and interactions are making you uncomfortable (understandably so). This is not healthy after 20 years. Perhaps it's time you addressed them or go NC?

I get you op. People butchered my name so many times, sometimes i check my ids to see if i am not an idiot who forgot how to write. There was even a famous person with that name in English speaking world😩
Imagine Petra, but less famous😂
Pitra, Pitre, Pitri, Pitira, Petira, Peatre, Patre, Pitore, Pitr, Peter..

@mustlovegin

even if they don't want to upset me on purpose, they still regard me as someone so inferior as to not be worth any tiny amount of effort

There seem to be a few issues you need to address with your in-laws as obviously many of their behaviours and interactions are making you uncomfortable (understandably so). This is not healthy after 20 years. Perhaps it's time you addressed them or go NC?

DH and I are trying to address it. I am just trying to sort in my head what is real and what is 'imagined'. I find this (and other similar) thread very useful, as it give me some outside perspective.

@SchrodingersImmigrant ah yeah can absolutely see it - W doesn't exist for a large part of the world. It was just unlucky that this particular mispronunciation is an actual different word.

Could have been worse I guess. Once met a bloke called Hugh who lived in Russia for a while. Slightly mispronounce that name (which a lot of people did) and you get the really rude vulgar Russian word for "cock".

@pocpocpoc
I am not rushing to call this racist, because one of them explained that it is something unsurmountable for them to 'get their head around' my name. I am trying to give them a benefit of doubt and see if anyone here can explain it to me.

It’s been going on for 20 damn years. You need to face the fact that your husband’s family is racist and they’re deliberately doing this to you. I guarantee you some of them are laughing behind your back with other family members or their friends about how they can “never remember that one girl’s name”.

You’ve taken this for too long. Start fucking up their names on the regular and see how they react. That’ll tell you all you need to know and what you already know in your heart is true. Your husband needs to start screwing up their names too. If/when they counter, “We’re family. Why are you messing up our names so badly?” then can respond, “@pocpocpoc is family too and you’ve been screwing up her name for 20 years!”

DH and I both have "foreign a few generations ago" surnames of 6 letters but look and sound British. 90% of the time newbies get them wrong. We just happen to have had ancestors from comparatively small countries.

DD is resigned to a life of correcting people.

It's not racist, just lazy. Or maybe it isn't something the worst culprits have had to deal with themselves.

I regard myself as a "conscious incompetent", but I imagine I make plenty of typos from my phone. Just "judge" and move on.

PS: we tend to book restaurants under 1st names of "Fox" to save a lot of faffing whilst we suggest how the place might have written it down.

[quote PlasticEgg]@SchrodingersImmigrant ah yeah can absolutely see it - W doesn't exist for a large part of the world. It was just unlucky that this particular mispronunciation is an actual different word.

Could have been worse I guess. Once met a bloke called Hugh who lived in Russia for a while. Slightly mispronounce that name (which a lot of people did) and you get the really rude vulgar Russian word for "cock".[/quote]
W is very hard, probably the hardest sound us foreigners need to master when learning English. It is unnatural and unintuitive for many of us. I am reasonably fluent in English and I still have to watch my W and I still drop them when tired or stressed or under influence ))

YANBU it's very rude.

A colleague of four years used to add an extra bit to my first name and an extra bit to my surname, so for example instead of being Meg Roberts she called me Megan Robertson. I absolutely hated it.