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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

312 replies

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:10

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

OP posts:

Hercisback · 28/07/2021 21:13

His mum doesn't owe you childcare.

It is both your responsibility to form a childcare plan that means you can both work effectively. No one takes precedence. You need a secure plan that doesn't mean last minute sickies. Use holiday clubs, childminders, local teens (especially if you'll be at home too).

PegasusReturns · 28/07/2021 21:14

I don’t know if your DH is unreasonable or not: you both appear to be stretched without much support.

I do know that you need proper childcare. Relying on a begrudging mil, pulling sickies and juggling 5am starts with a sleep avoidant baby is not sustainable.

thesockfairydidit · 28/07/2021 21:14

I can see it’s frustrating and yes he should have stepped up here. I think if you are both working you must arrange proper childcare.

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:15

His mum doesn’t have to do childcare for you.

You need to get paid childcare. Pulling a sickie isn’t sustainable.

drowsy · 28/07/2021 21:15

You say "We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings" - what do you think everyone else does?! Of course it eats into your earnings! You can't expect free childcare from his family or yours.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 28/07/2021 21:18

His mum doesn't owe you childcare. He can't pull a sickie so you can work, it's a bad habit to get into. You need to organise proper childcare or work in evenings while he's not at work and can look after the kids.

rubyslippers · 28/07/2021 21:18

@PegasusReturns

I don’t know if your DH is unreasonable or not: you both appear to be stretched without much support.

I do know that you need proper childcare. Relying on a begrudging mil, pulling sickies and juggling 5am starts with a sleep avoidant baby is not sustainable.

This a million times Yes of course childcare will eat into your earnings That’s what most people do I paid for 11 years for childcare in various forms - yes it was eye watering but necessary

londonrach · 28/07/2021 21:18

His mum doesn't owe you child care and he can't pull a sickie in this situation. You need to both sit down together and sort out childcare be it nursery, nanny, au pair, holiday clubs etc. Yabu re the childcare you thinking now as its not working.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/07/2021 21:19

YABVU. Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children.

Bloody hell, OP. Expecting your DH to pull a sickie at his work? Expecting your MIL not to ‘book appts’ - everything is everyone else’s fault but yours.

Theunamedcat · 28/07/2021 21:19

Move in with your parents? He can live with his principals they just cost him his family?

Sorry the guy is a twat it was one day but he has to be the big man doesn't he

SpiderinaWingMirror · 28/07/2021 21:19

This is going to sound glib but it is what I did.
I viewed childcare as a joint expense. It is so easy (maybe the wrong word) to think that childcare eats up your wage and makes it pointless working. Medium term it is money well spent.
You need to plan with your dh when it's not a crisis as to what the following few years will look.

rainbowunicorn · 28/07/2021 21:20

You are being very unreasonable.

If you have children and work then you need to have childcare in place year round. What you describe seems very ad hoc when it comes to childcare. It is not reasonable to expect either parent to pull a sickie for childcare reasons.
If paying for childcare means that work is not viable for you then you need to look again at the kind of work you do.
As an employer I would be less than impressed with an employee taht pulled a sickie when they needed childcare rather than have along term arrangement in place.

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:21

If I took a sickie and got caught I’d be on a disciplinary and I’d expect most workplaces to be the same.

He could have taken emergency parental leave but iirc that’s unpaid.

You need to sort a solution yourselves. You chose to have kids, it’s on you to sort out.

What age is the baby?

honeyytoast · 28/07/2021 21:21

It doesn’t sound as though you can “afford” your children without big sacrifices, one of them being paying for childcare

Original poster

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:21

@Datingandnoideahowto

His mum doesn’t have to do childcare for you.

You need to get paid childcare. Pulling a sickie isn’t sustainable.

No, I know she doesn't have to. But she said she would so I made commitments then she changed her mind because she made appointments and I ended up losing a client. And she has provided childcare for his sister's children for the last 10 years but doesn't seem to think her son's children are the same - I guess because she sees them more as my children than his? I don't know.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 28/07/2021 21:21

I’d you moved closer to your parents are you sure they would provide childcare?
I think with three kids it’s a very big ask

switswoo81 · 28/07/2021 21:21

Childcare eats into everyone's earnings. You need to sort out a system long term. Your MIL does not owe you childcare.

Original poster

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:22

@honeyytoast

It doesn’t sound as though you can “afford” your children without big sacrifices, one of them being paying for childcare

Sadly, my husband was made redundant during Covid as his older employer folded. He took the first available job on a huge, huge paycut. We have the overheads to match his old salary. I have had to rise to the challenge.

OP posts:

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:22

What she does or doesn’t do with his sister is irrelevant. Her kids are older for a start.

How much childcare were you asking of her?

pastabest · 28/07/2021 21:23

Yes you are unreasonable to ask him to 'pull a sickie'

His parents 'begrudgingly' provide childcare.

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless

pay for childcare like everyone else does! Would it cost you more than the £1600 a month not having proper childcare in place has just cost you?

Paying for childcare is a temporary means to an end. You have been very short sighted on this.

Cattitudes · 28/07/2021 21:23

Could you go and stay with family for a few nights/ weeks in future?

rubyslippers · 28/07/2021 21:23

Maybe she’s done with providing free childcare?
Maybe she can’t cope with three kids

cadburyegg · 28/07/2021 21:23

If you both work, then you need childcare. You need to plan the holidays better, get your DH to take some annual leave if necessary and plan in advance. I’m a single mum and I’ve had childcare for the summer hols sorted for over a month.

Your family members are not obligated to provide childcare. Looking after 3 children is hard work. I have 2 and my mum helps me, I’m very lucky- for example she has looked after my 3yo today and 6yo has been at holiday club. I would not ask her to look after both of them all day (even though she would do it if I asked) unless I had some emergency.

SW1amp · 28/07/2021 21:24

The cost of you not having childcare this week was £1600
Even an emergency nanny at £12-15 an hour would have worked out as good value if it meant you hit the deadline and got the £1600…

You really need the get some sort of childcare provision in place, even if it’s ad hoc, because the opportunity cost of losing work is going to cost you far far more

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2021 21:24

You need a better plan.

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