To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

God I feel stressed just reading about your situation. I can empathise with how you feel and I'm glad you seem to be taking steps to sort it.

If you have a spare room, or can make space for one by putting the kids in one room maybe consider getting an au pair. I got one when I was a single parent and I found childcare fees in the SE really expensive. I paid £80 per week and she did a few chores round the house and the school/nursery run. Might be worth considering on a temporary basis if you want something reasonably priced and just need someone to entertain them for a few hours and help tidy up!

The way you speak about your mil and childcare is so bad tbh "she wouldn't mind them as she had appointments ". .. also the fact that you admit they don't want to mind them and you both still leave your kids with them once a week is totally taking the piss and do they mind the baby more days usually?I'm 36 with three kids and no one has ever minded them from either of our families, my kids are now older so it's getting easier but I would hate to feel like I had to mind kids when older.
They are older and probably want to enjoy their time now and not have childcare commitments. I work freelance from home know how hard it isre childcare particularly here with schools closing every 5 mins but we wouldn't dream of making someone who didn't want to take care of our children.

Also your sil should let your mum enjoy her retirement or time post bringing up kids. I feel really sorry for her tbh, I'm sure she feels she being pulled I all directions. Also saying she's rejecting your kids because she doesn't want to be used as childcare for them ...time for you all to leave the poor woman alone and enjoy her free time while she's still physically able to.

Why are you bidding for new contracts if, as a family, there's no capacity to do them?

I'd be pissed off as a client if you missed deadlines. That's bad. And you don't seem to be taking responsibility for that, rather you just blame your husband and MIL. But it was your decision to take more work on I assume...?

@chunderwunder

Why are you bidding for new contracts if, as a family, there's no capacity to do them?

I'd be pissed off as a client if you missed deadlines. That's bad. And you don't seem to be taking responsibility for that, rather you just blame your husband and MIL. But it was your decision to take more work on I assume...?

My DS is turning away work to avoid getting a bad name in his industry

@chunderwunder. If you had even bothered to read the OP's first post, you'd see that actually her husband is keen for her to take on this work.

I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. A SAHW who does all the childcare during the day and who works all night to bring money into the family. He doesn't even recognise his wife's basic need for sleep.

About half think the people at your DH's work should have to work harder to make your life easier!

Funny you seem to know what my husband does for a living and the arrangements in his workplace. DH not being there would have no impact on anyone else but DH.

Someone else choosing to talk about my real life gorgeous little girl as if she should be erased from history. I've explained elsewhere how she came to be, and also that our circumstances have changed massively due to covid. Did YOU manage to see the global pandemic coming? Sanctimonious cow.

As for it being so important to me.... yeah, I'll just stop sleeping altogether and get a third job in a supermarket while DH gets to fuck off to work every day and have all his childcare needs taken care of on account of his penis. Lack of caring and being bone idle is my issue. Of course.

Good lord. Hire a babysitter. MIL doesn't owe you childcare.

I’m in a similar situation to you but think YABU to ask your husband to pull a sickie. You need to work out a solution. Either it’s reducing outgoings so you can work less or finding childcare for at least a day a week. Honestly, I get it as I am in this position too and we are having to make some big decisions about whether or not we can afford to keep paying off our debt.

Do people just deliberately come onto Mumsnet to hide behind their anonymous screen names to be sanctimonious thundercunts for shits and giggles? Is it cheaper than therapy or something?

To answer the most cunty questions:

I took the work because my MIL had agreed with my DH to look after my kids. So I thought I had he childcare as I had the agreement. So the capacity was there alongside night working etc to get it down. Then she cancelled. Simple? Had agreement, made plans based on that, then it was withdrawn.

Why are you blaming me for MIL being massively taken the piss out of by my husband's sister? She has her kids multiple times a week, overnight, to get her nails and hair done. That is MIL's prerogative to take on that childcare with her daughter but my husband asks for 1 day a week so we can work and I'm the bitch from hell treating MIL like cinders? Aye.

@Tiredanawfullot

I’m in a similar situation to you but think YABU to ask your husband to pull a sickie. You need to work out a solution. Either it’s reducing outgoings so you can work less or finding childcare for at least a day a week. Honestly, I get it as I am in this position too and we are having to make some big decisions about whether or not we can afford to keep paying off our debt.

It was ONE day in an emergency. I'm not asking him to take a sick day every week.

It’s up to MIL what childcare she does or doesn’t do.

She is, on the face of it, being unfair but the bottom line is you can’t make her do childcare for you

I’m not trying to be a thundercunt at all. I just think you need a better plan going forward.

Can you rent a desk somewhere? So you’re out of the house to a workspace? Hire a teenager?

@LizzieLookAtTheFlowers I know people are giving you a hard time, but I’m really not. As I said, our situations are very similar. I just don’t agree with someone taking a sickie.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

I feel you OP.
People are absolutely determined that they won't be reading your posts properly or at all before opening their gobs and thunder cunting all over your thread.
If I'm getting irritated, god knows how you are feeling reading all of this

Ouch that sounds rough. I think your dh should have stepped up, and as your bf he was really unread to expect you to get up at 5am to get the work done. He's being unreasonable to expect you to lie to your employers about a family teker gem you when he wouldn't pull a sickie - double standards. Can you start to move to bottle feeding so he can do some of the night wakings.

You do however need to work out a better solution. Can you move and reduce your outgoings, or your dh will have to deal with living somewhere he doesn't like so your family can help. He can't have his cake and eat it. If he wants you bringing in more money but won't help with childcare then he needs to make sacrifices elsewhere suggest as a cheaper house so you can afford paid childcare or move closer to your family if they will help out

[quote Tiredanawfullot]@LizzieLookAtTheFlowers I know people are giving you a hard time, but I’m really not. As I said, our situations are very similar. I just don’t agree with someone taking a sickie.

I hope things get easier for you soon.[/quote]
No, I don't think you were. The thing is that 8 wouldn't say sick day usually but he was refused dependent leave when our kids had to self isolate on the basis that I work from home so asking for dependent leave just wouldn't work. He has annual leave request denied because it was with less than a weeks notice so that wouldn't fly. His employer's lack of flexibility is why I suggested a sick day because they couldn't deny him a case of the raging shits.

It’s up to MIL what childcare she does or doesn’t do.

Yes, but if MIL commits to doing it, she should actually do it.

It's not common where we live to rely on grandparents to do childcare (partly because it's an urban area which a lot of people have moved to for work away from their families). Instead, we all pay for childcare. So yes imo the OP shouldn't expect 'free' childcare.

But my DPs/PILs have stayed with us occasionally to do childcare when DH or I have had something which means we can't cover it with our nursery hours - hospital stays, a minor operation for me last year, work trips away from home, work deadlines, an out-of-city conference etc. That sort of thing.

I would be unamused if DPs/PILs agreed to do childcare and then cancelled on us without a good reason and that meant I couldn't meet my work commitments. That's entirely different from not wanting to do it in the first place.

Absolutely MIL on the face of it was being unfair to cancel.

But that doesn’t make any difference does it? She did. All the op can do is not rely on mil again.

@Datingandnoideahowto

Absolutely MIL on the face of it was being unfair to cancel.

But that doesn’t make any difference does it? She did. All the op can do is not rely on mil again.

Well of course but the question was ot should I rely on MIL. It was what happens in the event where I can't work? I was asking if it was unreasonable to ask DH to take the day off to provide childcare for his kids because his mum cancelled and it meant I couldn't work. Again. For the millionth time in the last 18 months. As a one off in an emergency not for long term childcare.

You didn’t ask him to take the day off though.

You asked him to pull a sickie. Which would be a misconduct where I am. And I’d end up on a disciplinary so that would be a no.

I get you’re angry and upset but if you’re going to make this contract work you need to put a plan in place.

@Datingandnoideahowto

You didn’t ask him to take the day off though.

You asked him to pull a sickie. Which would be a misconduct where I am. And I’d end up on a disciplinary so that would be a no.

I get you’re angry and upset but if you’re going to make this contract work you need to put a plan in place.

There are a lot of responses. Have you seen me explain that when LOs had to self isolate DH asked for a days dependent leave and was told no because I wfh. He tried to take holiday but it was denied because less than a week notice. So their inflexibility and sexism during a global pandemic was why I said sick day because they couldn't say no as they always have done previously.

Thanks for the condescension but I was asking about the one day situation. We have a plan going forward.

I wasn’t being condescending. I have read every post on the thread.

I even bloody defended you from one of the why have another baby posts. Wish I hadn’t bloody bothered to be honest.

@Datingandnoideahowto

You didn’t ask him to take the day off though.

You asked him to pull a sickie. Which would be a misconduct where I am. And I’d end up on a disciplinary so that would be a no.

I get you’re angry and upset but if you’re going to make this contract work you need to put a plan in place.

Also... seriously one day off sick in over a year? How would they prove he didn't have the shits if he stays at home all day? A bit far fetched that dh would be jeopardising his entire employment and disciplinary action for saying he had diarrhoea for one day. His employer have been massively inflexible arseholes too, so more fool them for that.

That really sounds truly crap. Also I do think he’s completely unreasonable to expect you to be working at 5am! I’ve tried it - it isn’t sustainable at all or realistic.