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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

312 replies

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:10

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

OP posts:
daisypond · 28/07/2021 21:36

Yes, he could have taken emergency dependants leave.

Hercisback · 28/07/2021 21:36

Also 8 hours a week childcare doesn't cost £1600 per month. So you'd still be up on the deal and in a better position than you are now.

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:36

@Datingandnoideahowto

You’re so entitled it’s infuriating.

She has no obligation to look after your children for the chance of a contract. Was it guaranteed? Seems not from what you’ve said here?

Yes, the agreement between my husband and her was 1 day a week on a Wednesday. It was cancelled last week due to SIL needing childcare, long story. It was cancelled this week due to appointments.

I'm just trying to make it work with what I have. I don't mean to come across as entitled. I think I would hopefully try to treat all my children the same and I find it difficult that my parents would really like to be able to offer this help for us and my sister would like us to have a reciprocal childcare relationship to help each other out, but I can't access it because he won't move. I think perhaps I forgot how brutal mumsnet is and how you forget there's a real person reading it. I'm just trying to juggle everything.

OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:37

But was it a guaranteed contract? Or a pitch with a deadline to submit by?

oblada · 28/07/2021 21:37

This wasn't an emergency though, there is no proper childcare in place to start with so it wasn't an emergency it was just the normal situation. You just need a better plan.

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:38

HAd you been awarded the contract?

HerrenaHarridan · 28/07/2021 21:38

His work isn’t more important than hers

Of he had actually been sick his work would have managed

His wife needed him and he should have stayed home

HarryBlaster · 28/07/2021 21:38

I just had to bite the bullet and get after school childcare as my employer was asking me to increase my hours. It’s more money coming in and most going back out again but had to be done. I don’t expect regular help from family unless it’s willing offered and both our jobs are equally important.

BornIn78 · 28/07/2021 21:39

If one contract is worth 1600 a month to you, working part time, then you can afford childcare.

Phoning in sick is for when you’re sick.

You and your H need to put a plan in place that doesn’t rely on unpaid childcare because as you’ve discovered, it’s not reliable.

DGFB · 28/07/2021 21:39

Can’t believe the sexism on here. Women suck up the consequences of failed childcare ALL the time.
Her DH should have taken a day off.. however he did it

Figgyboa · 28/07/2021 21:39

Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable. Its not up to his parents to handle the childcare, its your children, you and your DH need to make appropriate arrangements. Also slightly unreasonable to take on a new client when in reality you're not really in a position to.

Hercisback · 28/07/2021 21:39

He won't let you move.

Is there more to this story re your DH being a bit of a dick?

Would your parents definitely do childcare or are they saying it because they know it will never happen.

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:39

@Hercisback

Also 8 hours a week childcare doesn't cost £1600 per month. So you'd still be up on the deal and in a better position than you are now.
Absolutely! And the plan going forward was to put LO in nursery 2 days per week. We have been trying - the contract was a very recent development and MIL cancelled childcare two weeks in a row. It wasn't a planned situation. Up until now we haven't been able to afford childcare, I haven't earned anywhere near that kind of money. Going forward yes, of course we would have sorted this but we needed the financial impetus first.
OP posts:
55378OO8 · 28/07/2021 21:39

You need to plan your summer childcare in advance - take annual leave, and if that doesn't cover the whole summer then think about unpaid leave or both parents going part time. Do you know any other families who could swap childcare days with you? (tricky with three kids I know).

Under the circumstances above, I do think your DH could have told his work that he had a childcare emergency and asked for a day's leave at short notice. But you definitely need a better plan for future.

Hercisback · 28/07/2021 21:41

On reflection your DH could have taken an unpaid dependents day to allow you to secure the contract. So not a sickie but the truth, that childcare failed.

Could you have gone and stayed with your parents?

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:41

@Hercisback

He won't let you move.

Is there more to this story re your DH being a bit of a dick?

Would your parents definitely do childcare or are they saying it because they know it will never happen.

I believe they would. They do for my sister in the school holidays and my sister and I work different hours so would like to do reciprocal childcare for each other.

I honestly don't know. I think generally he thinks he has a god given right to work and how I sort the kids is my problem and any childcare is "for me" rather than "for us" and I can't get him to understand he can't just wash his hands of it and go to work.

OP posts:
oopsyydaisyy · 28/07/2021 21:42

YANBU

If she can look after the other 3, she can look after urs! Favouritism is real and it sucks! Yes she doesn't have to do it, but yanbu for it to be pissing u off or affecting you. Ive seen it many times where grandparents pick and choose their favourites. Of course they are entitled obviously to do this , it still hurts the other party though!

oopsyydaisyy · 28/07/2021 21:42

@HerrenaHarridan

His work isn’t more important than hers

Of he had actually been sick his work would have managed

His wife needed him and he should have stayed home

agree
Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:43

Had you actually been awarded the contract op?

justasking111 · 28/07/2021 21:43

Childcare costs in the summer holidays ate up every penny of my salary. I had a friends daughter look after mine between her wages, days out for her and kids I earned nothing for those weeks.

That's the price you pay

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:44

@Hercisback

On reflection your DH could have taken an unpaid dependents day to allow you to secure the contract. So not a sickie but the truth, that childcare failed.

Could you have gone and stayed with your parents?

Yes, absolutely right. When he asked for this before though when our children had to self isolate he was told no and "why can't your wife do it" and he wasn't assertive enough to argue it. So don't think he wants to ask again. More I say the more I realise he's just been a wet blanket.

No I couldn't. They are quite far away and I can't drive due to a neurological issue so I can't get there without DH.

OP posts:
ConsuelaHammock · 28/07/2021 21:44

Your mil was very unfair to cancel your one day of childcare if she looks after her other grandchildren. I’d expect my husband to speak to her about it. Your husband could have taken one day off to help you.
If the situation with reduced income isn’t a temporary thing then I’m be looking at more permanent solutions to reduce your outgoings.

Hercisback · 28/07/2021 21:44

Book an office space any physically leave the house to work.

Sit him down and tell him this is happening and he is responsible for sorting out XYZ days. Then leave before he does on those days.

justasking111 · 28/07/2021 21:45

@oopsyydaisyy

YANBU

If she can look after the other 3, she can look after urs! Favouritism is real and it sucks! Yes she doesn't have to do it, but yanbu for it to be pissing u off or affecting you. Ive seen it many times where grandparents pick and choose their favourites. Of course they are entitled obviously to do this , it still hurts the other party though!

So granny gets to care for six children. I don't think so
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/07/2021 21:45

If you can afford to lose a 1600 contract, you can afford to pay a childminder for a week (which would cost a third of what you lost)