To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

You lost £1600 per month. How much would paid childcare have cost? A lot less, I’m sure.

Your husband was not unreasonable - taking a day of sick when you’re not sick could have meant he may have lost his job.

Even if just for the summer holidays I would try to line up 2–3 days a week of childcare with a childminder or find holiday clubs for the older children.

I am self-employed and managed to work reasonably well with a young baby around but no way could I do meaningful work with 3 kids around.

Your attitude towards your MIL isn't very nice though! I wouldn't want someone looking after my children unless they actually wanted to do it. It can't be part of your childcare plan.

I do feel your pain. I've been working until midnight trying to meet my biggest deadline of the year after I was set back by DD having to isolate for ten days.

@Faevern

You didn’t lose the contract because your MiL booked appointments you lost it because you wouldn’t pay child care. You said you needed one day and it’s unreasonable to ask your DH to pull a sickie.

So how much would that one days childcare cost? Offset that against £1600 a month. I take it your not an accountant.

I didn't even know it was a thing. Prior to having my baby, I worked during school nursery/school hours and at night/weekends and never had to use childcare before. After baby was born we asked 8 hours of my MIL and I work at night etc and when I can. So I haven't ever had to use paid for childcare - the new contract meant I would need to put baby in a nursery but I needed to take the contract and sort it out. It coincided with the school holidays and with MIL cancelling 2 weeks in a row and it all ran away from me.

I didn't know emergency childcare existed. Neither did DH. I know now. I just wanted his support and considering the upheaval with the kids and childcare and homeschooling he's had me taking on over the last 18 months he could have taken one day so I could work because on this one day it would have, imo, been the most sensible thing to do for our family.

I agree you need childcare going forward, but I think he should have pulled a sickie for one day to help you secure a client, yes. Or if he wasn't prepared to do that, why couldn't he help to try and secure someone to look after them if he lives near family? All of the drama on here is ridiculous, i don't think you're unreasonable to feel as you do.

Pulling a sickie is ALWAYS wrong. It contributes towards degraded rights for those with genuine health concerns. YABVU

How does him not having taken any sick leave come into the decision. He is not sick so shouldn't take sick leave. Find some childcare.

You lost £1600 per month. How much would paid childcare have cost? A lot less, I’m sure.

The point is, OP wasn't in a position to magic up this paid childcare.

She a) thought she had MIL one day a week, until MIL cancelled twice b) in place of that asked if DH could take leave (which he understandably couldn't but OP has said his employer is extremely inflexible in this way).

OP is sorting childcare, she said this.

She's saying how she feels right now.

OP's mistake was to try to do too much. She's juggling a lot, thought she could meet this deadline & thereafter would have arrangements in place.

Also unlikely he would lose his job for one day of sickness, not sure what people think their employers do when they call in sick

OP I would go out first thing in the morning with just the baby before your DH gets up and not answer the phone or anything until way after he should have started work.
Hopefully he will call in sick and realise what position he has put you in (and that you do this every single day).
There was a thread on here the other day about all these OH’s who are now working from home and suddenly realise the extend of what happens everyday.
He needs a wake up call or nothing is going to change.

Find some childcare.

Good God, the new 'cancel the cheque'. OP has explained the childcare situation.

She found herself in a difficult situation. She intends to organise childcare in the future.

You have a few options

1. You need to move closer to your family if you are sure they will help with childcare
2. Stay where you are and get an evening job and no longer need childcare and accept that is what happens when you have children
3. MIL doesn’t owe you anything but she is being unfair if she has helped out with childcare with other Grandchildren
4. Stay where you are and organise nursery/childminder etc
5. Hubby gets a vasectomy (sorry but needs suggesting)

This was me a decade ago, constantly being let down by both sets of grandparents, it just wasn't feesible to continue working.

Currently, I work utterly shit anitsocial hours, to fit around my Husbands job, purely because we don't have support or childcare options to suit....the downside is me and H barely see one another

Yes I think he was unreasonable to not meet in the middle on this one occasion.

No it’s not ideal to take a sickie but sometimes needs must and sometimes as a parent you do end up taking the odd day off because of family emergencies.

He’s being so very unreasonable with the sleep / feeding situation, assuming that you can crack on with 12 hour days working with a young baby clamped to your tit on 5 hours broken sleep.

He’s taking the piss to expect so much of this to fall on your shoulders alone, if you had to get up at 5 to work then he should have got up to look after baby whilst you did it. I bet he didn’t suggest that did he?

I think to enable your future career you need to get childcare, that’s the only answer. Yes it’s super expensive and sometimes makes the whole effort of working feel totally pointless but it is short term pain for long term gain.

Even if you looked into a private nanny for 2 days a week - surely that wouldn’t break the bank and if MIL has them for 1 thats 3 days full care. The nanny would be at your home so you can breastfeed as you need to but don’t have to do all the other stuff for those two full days, which gives you lots of time to focus on work.

You’re not wrong to feel unsupported by your DH but if you need childfree time to work then you have to find a way to make it work for you.

@Daisydrum

OP I would go out first thing in the morning with just the baby before your DH gets up and not answer the phone or anything until way after he should have started work. Hopefully he will call in sick and realise what position he has put you in (and that you do this every single day). There was a thread on here the other day about all these OH’s who are now working from home and suddenly realise the extend of what happens everyday. He needs a wake up call or nothing is going to change.

That's rubbish advice. Then OP & DH are under pressure & stressed.

It's utterly immature too - OP needs to come up with a plan, with her DH. He needs to step up for sure.

But this kind of 'teach him a lesson' advice is bonkers.

@Daisydrum

OP I would go out first thing in the morning with just the baby before your DH gets up and not answer the phone or anything until way after he should have started work. Hopefully he will call in sick and realise what position he has put you in (and that you do this every single day). There was a thread on here the other day about all these OH’s who are now working from home and suddenly realise the extend of what happens everyday. He needs a wake up call or nothing is going to change.

Of course, because that's a mature responsible thing to do?....

Speaking as self employed person here, with similar struggles, honestly if you couldn’t do the work to win the contract, how on Earth would you have actually fulfilled the contract?

You can’t ask DH to pull a sickie. You need to sit down and have a frank discussion. Either you move, you pay for childcare, or you arrange with him to book holidays in advance. It’s damn hard work being self employed with kids, but that’s not your mother in laws fault.

If your mum is willing to look after kids and you can work from home go and stay with her or have her stay with you got a week.

@INeedNewShoes

Even if just for the summer holidays I would try to line up 2–3 days a week of childcare with a childminder or find holiday clubs for the older children.

I am self-employed and managed to work reasonably well with a young baby around but no way could I do meaningful work with 3 kids around.

Your attitude towards your MIL isn't very nice though! I wouldn't want someone looking after my children unless they actually wanted to do it. It can't be part of your childcare plan.

I do feel your pain. I've been working until midnight trying to meet my biggest deadline of the year after I was set back by DD having to isolate for ten days.

It's tough. I don't mind it being tough I function well with the business. But yeah I guess I do struggle a bit and feel like MIL is rejecting my children, and I feel resentful that I would have so much more support near my family. I suppose I don't really care if my attitude towards her isn't nice. In real life people have feelings and when your children's grandmother prefers her other grandkids because they came from her daughter and she just feels closer to them then that's not the nicest.

What are his hours?

If he thought that you should have been up at 5-then so should he-looking after his kids whilst you worked!

You wanted him to lie about being sick, he wants you to lie about a family emergency!

Well, is it a family emergency if childcare falls through at the last moment?

Surely it will be worth trying to save your contract-as long as you can put childcare in place-which might mean him having to step up around his work.as he expects you to do around your childcare!

Have you completely lost the contract OP or is it salvageable?

What does you DH think of this given he will presumably have to make up the shortfall if he won't enable you to work?

I've been self employed. I have always had to use either a childminder, nursery or holiday club. Yes it eats into our earnings, but I found trying to work around children/ sleeps unsustainable. It kept me sane. We had very minimal childcare support.

*grandparent support even.

I get your frustration with MIL op.
MN is weird about free childcare, your child could be thrown from a moving vehicle but MN would consider it your fault if the childcare was free ‘if you didn’t want your toddler thrown out the car window you should have paid for nursery’ .

My MIL can be a bit unhelpful too, she offers a lot of help, without being asked, but it often doesn’t materialise. She also likes to make plans with us for the day insinuating it’s the whole day then on the day announces that she actually has 2/3 other apts and will just see us an hour In the afternoon

I’ve pulled back from making plans with her as fine it very irritating but then she gets upset about not seeing the kids

She doesn’t owe us childcare but with a newborn and toddler, I don’t owe her company or fun short visits which are hard work for me

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321

Speaking as self employed person here, with similar struggles, honestly if you couldn’t do the work to win the contract, how on Earth would you have actually fulfilled the contract?

You can’t ask DH to pull a sickie. You need to sit down and have a frank discussion. Either you move, you pay for childcare, or you arrange with him to book holidays in advance. It’s damn hard work being self employed with kids, but that’s not your mother in laws fault.

If your mum is willing to look after kids and you can work from home go and stay with her or have her stay with you got a week.

I could have done the work if MIL hadn't cancelled my childcare two weeks in a row.. She had agreed this day was my day with DH and so I did rely on that as it was an agreement. And yeah, I do think you should treat your kids the same and not show preferential treatment. We 100% planned to put baby in nursery but have not been able to find a childminder for love nor money near us who can take all the kids.

It would be my dad who would have the kids and also my sister who would do a reciprocal childcare arrangement with me and yeah, I'm really going to push for moving. I am otherwise also feeling quite isolated tbh childcare aside. I have had some mental health struggles and I have definitely felt the absence of having my people around me since I had baby, and as nice as the in laws are they aren't my parents. Thanks for the advice.

Excuse me, but as a single full time working parent in a key working role, I put my daughter into robust child care and fork out nearly £1000 a month.
Quite simply, if you cannot get proper childcare. Don't take on the work.
Begrudging your mother in law and expecting your husband to pull a sickie last minute with a clean absence record is not the way forward. You are being very unreasonable to expect that when the general population of working parents employ some kind of robust childcare and just deal with it.
You're at fault here.

We've used sitters.com to cover odd days here and there, sometimes at very short notice, and they've never let us down. Would expect to pay £10 ish an hour. Haven't used them since before Covid though and it may be more for babies/several DC. You sound pretty tough tbh -- I couldn't possibly do sensible work on that little sleep!

Definitely drop the reluctant MIL for childcare. You may even find then that she's willing to help in a genuine emergency.