Page 6 | To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

Phineyj · 28/07/2021 22:25

I think YABU because while it would have solved one problem, it could have created several others.

cleocleo16 · 28/07/2021 22:28

I know how you feel about unfair childcare, it's so frustrating and upsetting. My DM used to give my sister loads of childcare all the time and ask her what childcare she needed but I would have to ask and would only get it time to time. Apparently her need was greater- even though she got free childcare whilst earning considerably more than me whilst all my earnings went on childcare.

Anyway- you can't change it no matter how unfair it is. You obviously can't reply on MIL so if I were you I would stop relying on her and put something else in place. Childcare is very expensive, unfortunately you will just need to do what everyone else does and pay so it comes out your earnings. You can't expect it free. I used to earn £20 a day after childcare it is what it is. That's why I stopped at 2 children and why friends have very carefully chosen their age gap.

Holiday clubs are pretty cheap- £70/£80 per day, yes it's a cut in wages but if you had done it you would have a £1600 a month client. It seems worth it. I would set up holiday childcare in advance.

As for DH yes he is BU. It shouldn't be up to you to do all the childcare. If I were you I would sit down and work out what paid holiday he is entitled to. Take away any holidays and then book in the other days for him to take off for childcare. It just needs some advance organising and a calendar.

cansu · 28/07/2021 22:28

Obviously in the real world, yes he should have phoned in sick or should have said he had a childcare emergency and would need to take a day unpaid. Whatever he should have prioritised your work on this occasion.

In the long term, you do need more childcare even if it eats into your income as that is what usually happens for the first five years. You need to look at what you need and together discuss paying for it. If your dh does not agree about paying for the care then you need to discuss moving closer to your family.

ChittyChittyBangBangChicken · 28/07/2021 22:31

I think I'd be more insistent about moving closer to my family, in your shoes, OP.

Yes, yes, MIL doesn't have to provide childcare if she doesn't want to, but it's hurtful when a MIL so overtly seems to favour one child or group of grandchildren over another. She clearly doesn't want you relying on her for childcare. If you're certain your own family would be happy to support you (and I'd have some frank conversations to ascertain that before moving), I'd push harder to move.

If your husband won't, then he needs to step up to help you find a workable childcare solution. It's not all on you! Either that or he needs to start looking for a better-paying job so that you can afford to be a SAHM for a while, if that's something you'd be willing to do.

Jellycatspyjamas · 28/07/2021 22:32

After baby was born we asked 8 hours of my MIL and I work at night etc and when I can.

That’s not sustainable though, working when you can at nights while carrying the bulk of house running, childcare etc is a recipe for disaster. You need to properly look at the time you need for your business and put some structure round this, eg you work early evenings and you DH does dinner bath and bed with the kids so you can work in peace and at a reasonable hour. He needs to get up with the kids at the weekend so you can do a days work then. You need to put reliable, formal childcare in place. You simply can’t be consistent and reliable in business trying to juggle it all and he needs to pull his weight when he’s not working.

I wouldn’t expect my DH to pull a sickie, I would have a realistic discussion about who does what and when, so when his mum pulled out last week I’d have sat him down and agreed he’d cover the kids at the weekend to let you fulfil your commitment to the contract. The answer isn’t you sorting this on your own, wrangling with relatives and moving house for what seems like equally tenuous childcare. It’s working as a team to cover it all, with your DH filling the gaps or you both paying for formal childcare.

Original poster

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 22:33

@LittleOwl153

Have you completely lost the contract OP or is it salvageable?

What does you DH think of this given he will presumably have to make up the shortfall if he won't enable you to work?

It may be salvageable if I'm 100% transparent and reliable, but it's not sustainable without childcare. He is trying hard to find a new job but isn't getting anywhere fast - think part of his reaction to me was defensiveness and feeling a bit inadequate.

I can put LO in nursery but I can't find a childminder for who can take all kids in the hols and can't find a space in holiday clubs for the older ones. I took it thinking I could manage with MIL's agreement to help but without being able to rely on that, and clearly now I can't, I'm stuffed. If DH can take holiday for the next few weeks I can manage and I have asked him to do that so I can keep this going during the summer hols - term time I can get LO into nursery and kids are in school and it's ok.

I am just feeling a bit wretched and humiliated that I've missed the deadline and that I've lost credibility. I didn't know emergency childcare was a thing and that was stupid. But neither did DH and that makes him just as stupid. I'm rambling. Sorry.

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HalzTangz · 28/07/2021 22:33

@LizzieLookAtTheFlowers

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

But if you couldn't get the work done without childcare this time round, how would you get the work done next month and the month after. Your husband wouldn't be able to throw a sickie every month

BluebellsGreenbells · 28/07/2021 22:33

doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare

All through this thread you have said similar sentences - I would - change your language to ‘WE would’

I think maybe it’s time to pack up and visit your parents for a couple of weeks and leave your DH to fend for himself!! See how he manages to juggle shopping cooking cleaning etc while your gone and then ask him how he thinks he’ll manage every other weekend and one night a week!

aliloandabanana · 28/07/2021 22:36

You definitely need childcare for your baby, but not for your ten year old; you would have to decide whether the six year old can occupy themselves whilst you work (probably not for extended periods but maybe for the occasional afternoon), so you're not looking at childcare for three children.

If you can factor in the cost for your youngest then you can plan for how much you need to earn and how much time you have available during school holidays. At busy times can your husband take over with the younger ones as soon as he's home, so you can do a couple of hours of uninterrupted work? Not ideal but at least you're both bearing the brunt rather than it all falling to you.

badg3r · 28/07/2021 22:36

Argh. Stuff like this makes my blood boil. It is so so frustrating when you have the opportunity to secure something that will have a lasting and significant benefit to the whole family and you can't devote time to it because others just assume you are the one who has to do the childcare. It was your husbands mum who let you both down and he should have sorted something out. What if you'd been really sick? He would have had to figure out childcare then. When you say "we" have been looking at childminders, I bet it was you doing the significantly larger share. You need to sit your husband down and say he needs to find a better plan for next time this happens (because it will), and that as the woman it should not automatically be your career that takes the hit, especially when you are in the position to improve the family finances and not him at the moment. Or alternatively pull and sickie yourself next deadline and he'll have to stay off then hide under the covers and finish your project 😉

LaProcureure · 28/07/2021 22:39

I feel for you, he should have done whatever he needed to do, to make sure you could work that day. My gut reaction to your posts, are basically LTB. He doesn’t value your contribution. Just go back to where your family lives and get some help from them. But I accept that’s the nuclear option…

diddl · 28/07/2021 22:39

Presumably moving near to your family wouldn't work for your husband atm even if he wanted to as he would lose his job?

Original poster

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 22:39

@Phineyj

We've used sitters.com to cover odd days here and there, sometimes at very short notice, and they've never let us down. Would expect to pay £10 ish an hour. Haven't used them since before Covid though and it may be more for babies/several DC. You sound pretty tough tbh -- I couldn't possibly do sensible work on that little sleep!

Definitely drop the reluctant MIL for childcare. You may even find then that she's willing to help in a genuine emergency.

Thanks so much. I only just learned this was a thing on this thread and it would have saved my bacon the last 2 weeks. I feel stupid that I never knew about it!

Everyone I know has informal childcare relationships with their parents and I didn't realise this was such a crime on Mumsnet. My sister does, my SIL does, and all my friends too. I didn't realise that asking for one day a week's childcare was such a terrible, entitled thing to do! We absolutely intended to also put LO into nursery but I also thought it would be nice for her to have that experience of closeness with her grandparents like her cousins do, and enjoy the bond. It wasn't a case of just wanting to take advantage but also wanting her to be where she is loved. I hope I make sense.

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SarahAndQuack · 28/07/2021 22:40

I think if your DH is the one refusing to move to where you as a family have sufficient support, he needs to step up in these situations. If that means taking a sick day, so be it. Sorry if I've missed it - but has he ever taken unpaid parental leave? That would be better than a sick day, and he's entitled to it if he's been there more than a year. I know he'd need to give more notice, but it might help tide you over.

I do think you're on a hiding to nothing with your MIL - yes it feels rotten if she's not so willing to care for your children as her daughter's children, but you'll get nowhere making comparisons and she has clearly done an awful lot for you.

The issue here is your DH. It sounds as if he is treating childcare as an issue for you to sort out, rather than a shared family decision.

HalzTangz · 28/07/2021 22:41

From reading your post it would appear two of your children are school aged. Have you approached any of their friends parents. Maybe they could help with childcare, obviously offering payment. Alternatively book all 3 kids into a nursery 1 or 2 days a week so you ca do you work then

Notonthestairs · 28/07/2021 22:41

We've also used Sitters and they've been very good.

MIL for whatever reason isn't going to help and can't be relied upon - remember that for the future. And I do understand how upset the inequality makes you - my kids aren't the favourites on either side. But on the bright side it does free you from other expectations!

Yes DH calling in sick would have helped you. But the first job I got after being made redundant I literally turned myself inside out to make sure I hung on to it - I felt quite vulnerable, possibly he feels the same.

Today has been a shit day. But it will get better - your DH can start researching childcare for one thing. And then you can start planning for the next year. I really hope your potential client can see past the missed deadline.

If DH is truly resistant to helping you find childcare and facilitating that then maybe returning to your home ground is the only way forward.

chopc · 28/07/2021 22:42

Your DH couldn't have taken a sickie as he was not sick. However I don't understand why you couldn't meet the deadline because the childcare fell through and he got to go to work. It's both your problem and not just yours. This is a common problem with a higher earning partner - they don't respect your work.

Your eldest is 10 - what was his attitude to your work and childcare before? What was the agreement? Yes I know Covid changed but did his attitude also change or is he generally not confident at work etc ?

omgthepain · 28/07/2021 22:42

@LizzieLookAtTheFlowers

Why don't you book the children into a childminder/ holiday club or a nursery for the baby

Grandparents aren't obliged to be a crèche facility and they've probably felt they've done their bit now

You've chosen to have 3 kids it's your responsibility

Original poster

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 22:43

@badg3r

Argh. Stuff like this makes my blood boil. It is so so frustrating when you have the opportunity to secure something that will have a lasting and significant benefit to the whole family and you can't devote time to it because others just assume you are the one who has to do the childcare. It was your husbands mum who let you both down and he should have sorted something out. What if you'd been really sick? He would have had to figure out childcare then. When you say "we" have been looking at childminders, I bet it was you doing the significantly larger share. You need to sit your husband down and say he needs to find a better plan for next time this happens (because it will), and that as the woman it should not automatically be your career that takes the hit, especially when you are in the position to improve the family finances and not him at the moment. Or alternatively pull and sickie yourself next deadline and he'll have to stay off then hide under the covers and finish your project 😉

Thanks. Yeah, actually when I say we I mean 'I' of course. 100%. And I haven't been able to find one who can take all the kids or who also does holidays and I can also get to for pickups - I don't drive I think I mentioned before for medical reasons.

I'm being a bloody mug aren't I really.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 28/07/2021 22:45

Yes he should have taken a day off

You are both parents

You both sort out childcare

You need to have childcare in place. A nanny with 3dc makes more financial sense

You can get temp nannies as well

Join a few agencies. Doesn’t cost you till use a nanny

Original poster

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 22:48

@chopc

Your DH couldn't have taken a sickie as he was not sick. However I don't understand why you couldn't meet the deadline because the childcare fell through and he got to go to work. It's both your problem and not just yours. This is a common problem with a higher earning partner - they don't respect your work.

Your eldest is 10 - what was his attitude to your work and childcare before? What was the agreement? Yes I know Covid changed but did his attitude also change or is he generally not confident at work etc ?

It's only been an issue since having our last baby. When the other two were small I didn't work, and I started my business when our middle child went to nursery and we got 30 hours for her. Baby 3 was a very big surprise, on the coil before I'm lambasted for being irresponsible or something. And she was born as we went into lockdown, DH lost his job shortly after. I've made it work as much as I can, and I've got the opportunity to build things but he's never not had me at home to just take care of everything so he can work. It's never entered his head before in his life that he would not be able to work because he had children who needed to be looked after and his boss sort of underpinned that when the first time he asked he was laughed out the room.

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EyesOpening · 28/07/2021 22:48

It's hard working and juggling children, even harder more recently and you have a BF baby on top.
It might be unreasonable to expect your husband to pull a sickie but it's not unreasonable for you to expect him to come up with a solution with you.
The two of you need to work out a plan together and what you'll do if the plan faces obstacles, he shouldn't just be leaving it all for you to sort out.

LannieDuck · 28/07/2021 22:51

If you're earning as much PT as your DH is FT, it would make sense for him to go PT cover the childcare, and for you to expand your business to FT.

If the roles were reversed, you can bet he would already have suggested it as a solution.

Invisimamma · 28/07/2021 22:53

I think finding a childminder to take all 3 and do holidays and be within walking distance isn't realistic. Most working parents of 3 children will use a combination of holiday clubs, childminder, private nursery, balancing annual leave and complicated pick up/drop off arrangements with dp. Unfortunately that's the reality of working parenting. If you want to be taken seriously at work you need to get some water tight childcare arrangements (and your dp needs to step up and do his share) .

Original poster

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 22:54

@LannieDuck

If you're earning as much PT as your DH is FT, it would make sense for him to go PT cover the childcare, and for you to expand your business to FT.

If the roles were reversed, you can bet he would already have suggested it as a solution.

I've suggested this because I think my earning potential is there if I have the time. He isn't totally against it, but his employer would need to approve a flexible working request and he doesn't hold out much hope. But I really like this idea a lot.

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