To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

So granny gets to care for six children. I don't think so

Why does granny get to choose her pick?

I would leave him and take the children to live near my family. It’s the usual story of the woman’s job coming second. You have my sympathy.

I'm sorry OP I can see you're under a lot of pressure, and I can understand your frustration.

But ...

I'm on the YABU side too, sorry. Like PP I think your arrangements are unsustainable. I can see it's inadvertent. You thought you had MIL help, then you didn't. I know that's really unfair.

However, as hoc childcare (which that was) is not suitable for what you are trying to do.

Asking your DH to pull a sickie, especially since he was previously made redundant & is in a new role is not fair. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't lie to my employer.

You haven't said why emergency leave to look after dependents wasn't possible, but I assume it wasn't.

Now, you need to make a realistic plan, and absolutely DH needs to step up & support you.

Good luck 💐

Regardless of what she did for his sister, she doesn’t really want to do it. The current situation is ridiculous. You need to just pay someone!

When he asked for this before though when our children had to self isolate he was told no and "why can't your wife do it" and he wasn't assertive enough to argue it. urgh what a sexist employer. Mine would have expected me to do half and him to do half or if I did it then he'd do the next one. 50/50.

Granny gets to choose her pick because granny is perfectly entitled to do that.

It’s not fair, but she’s allowed to choose which grandkids she babysits.

@Datingandnoideahowto

Granny gets to choose her pick because granny is perfectly entitled to do that.

It’s not fair, but she’s allowed to choose which grandkids she babysits.

if u read my original post thats what i said it sucks but it happens

therefore yanbu for it to piss u off duh!

@Datingandnoideahowto

But was it a guaranteed contract? Or a pitch with a deadline to submit by?

It was a guaranteed contract for ongoing work and a failure to meet the first deadline (which was very tight) for the first project because my childcare fell through.

I think that both of you need to have a proper chat when you are not so frazzled/stressed.

If he isn’t able to help during the day with childcare then he needs to step up to the plate with everything else and also work with you to put in place a proper plan.

Maybe he didn’t want to take leave as he’s scared of losing this job especially after being made redundant the last time? Maybe he was being a dick, who knows but you are not going to get anywhere here.

He may be of the opinion that his job is more important as it is potentially more secure than self employment. Or he could still think that his is more important as he’s misogynistic. Again we don’t know.

But talking this all through with him will help. Also make it clear what the cost of mil letting down his family again, maybe he won’t want to be quite as helpful in the future.

Your MIL is under no obligation to provide you with free childcare, you could have booked a sitter or temp nanny for the day rather than lose the contract and it would have been no where near £1600.
If your DH is new to his job and it’s your only stable income there’s no way I’d ring in sick unless really too ill to go to work.

I think even though YABU for this one you arent for the longer term. This isnt sustainable - things have changed. He is earning less and you need to earn more to cover that. It can no longer be your responsibility.

His solution was you take on more?

You need to sit down with him and be brutally honest that things cannot continue and he needs to step up and help. It is no longer all on you it cant be. And his solution that you got up at 5am to cover it was selfish and ridiculous.

If his mother is prepared to help then he needs to look at moving to where you do have help. He cannot just do 11 hours and that is it.

You are self employed which means you do have flexiblity to work around his fixed hours. Which means HE steps up and helps with the other stuff to fit in your hours

@EarringsandLipstick

I'm sorry OP I can see you're under a lot of pressure, and I can understand your frustration.

But ...

I'm on the YABU side too, sorry. Like PP I think your arrangements are unsustainable. I can see it's inadvertent. You thought you had MIL help, then you didn't. I know that's really unfair.

However, as hoc childcare (which that was) is not suitable for what you are trying to do.

Asking your DH to pull a sickie, especially since he was previously made redundant & is in a new role is not fair. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't lie to my employer.

You haven't said why emergency leave to look after dependents wasn't possible, but I assume it wasn't.

Now, you need to make a realistic plan, and absolutely DH needs to step up & support you.

Good luck 💐

Thanks. I've said somewhere else that when our children had to self isolate my DH asked for emergency leave to look after dependents and the response was "your wife can do it" as they know I predominantly work from home. So he won't ask again. DH wouldn't be allowed to work from home due to the distraction of children though.

You didn’t lose the contract because your MiL booked appointments you lost it because you wouldn’t pay child care. You said you needed one day and it’s unreasonable to ask your DH to pull a sickie.

So how much would that one days childcare cost? Offset that against £1600 a month. I take it your not an accountant.

The issue for me is that he seems that him taking a day off/unpaid leave/whatever isn’t an acceptable thing to do but it’s ok for you to

• do all the nights with the baby
• get up at 5.00am so you don’t loose a client
• lie to your client (but he can’t do that with his own job)
• are responsible for loosing a big amount of money due to childcare but somehow this has nothing to do with you.
• he decides where you all live, regardless of the impact it has on you/the dcs/support network etc….

There is a BIG review of responsibilities to do there, starting with the fact he is just as responsible as you are of organising childcare.
And then he really needs to look at this idea of ‘I am the big earner and my job takes priority’ attitude. It’s sucks AND it’s not relevant to the actual situation.

Tbh I would have expected to find a way to give you more time. 8 hours isn’t that much in the grand skim of things. Esp when it’s worth £1600!

But LT, you need a big reorganisation of your time/responsibilities/childcare.
Because it looks like staying where you are atm on the salary he now has is just not manageable.
Or it might be that you need to downsize etc…

What can not happen is him relying on to magic tome out of thin air so you can keep the family afloat whilst working part time AND looking after the dcs AND not asking anything more from him than before (when he had the BIG salary)

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Your MIL is under no obligation to provide you with free childcare, you could have booked a sitter or temp nanny for the day rather than lose the contract and it would have been no where near £1600. If your DH is new to his job and it’s your only stable income there’s no way I’d ring in sick unless really too ill to go to work.

He's been there over a year, I don't think he's really that new anymore. I didn't even know emergency childcare was a thing. Neither did DH. I will definitely look into that.

It sounds like everything is out of balance: expectations of MIlL, lack of proper childcare, how much you are trying to do and work, his lack of support.

Of course it will have been tough after he lost his job and had to take a pay cut and you'll be feeling the pressure too, but it feels like you need a blank sheet and reassess.

For starters, have you reviewed those overheads since finances changed?

Unfortunately until your youngest qualifies for the 30 hours free childcare you are either going to have to pay for childcare or work around his hours. He comes home and you switch. He has to pull his finger out and take on some of the hard graft (although he will only have a few hours before bedtime so still the better end of the stick). Families have to compromise and pull together. He can't expect you to do it all. 2 weeks of let down is definitely the time to say to MIL 'thank you for trying to help but we are going to arrange something else' and then do it. You may have lost this contact but there will be others. Be prepared for next time. Plus having childcare in place now will give you some free time to rest and recharge your batteries even if it is only a few hours a week. Otherwise at some point you are going to burn out.

Btw, I voted YANBU because I think that he basically washed his hands form the issue and then blamed you when it went pear shape.

There is a difference between not daring asking and not being allowed to.
There is a difference between accepting whatever his company has decided you can do and actually having your and his own family’s back.

No one “loses” a £1600 contract in the way you’ve described. It either means you wanted to submit a proposal, or you’ve missed a deadline for a client.

If the former - tbf I would be up at 5pm or working til 11pm to do it (and regularly do). If the latter - one day late won’t lose your fee.

This isn’t isn’t sustainable- how we’re you planning on actually delivering the work?

Had you been awarded the contract or was it a pitch? Could you not have pulled the sickie/parental leave day?

YABU expecting childcare from other people even though they're family they don't have to do this.

YABU in not arranging proper childcare for children , yes there's a few short years where this eats into your earnings but you need to look at the long term earning potential by staying in work during this time.

YABU for not kicking your husband into touch before now. Childcare responsibilities should be shared including sorting out who is working who is responsible for the kids on these days.

YABU to blame your MIL. You lost the client because you could not commit to the work because you didn't have childcare, loads of paid childcare places, you just don't want to pay for it.

The pair of you need to sort this out otherwise it will be a long summer and I'd suggest not blaming other people who are doing you a favour by giving you any childcare!

when our children had to self isolate my DH asked for emergency leave to look after dependents and the response was "your wife can do it" as they know I predominantly work from home. So he won't ask again. DH wouldn't be allowed to work from home due to the distraction of children though.

That's crap, OP, a rotten approach from the employer & hard for DH - and you.

I can imagine the pressures you are under. While I know you can't expect childcare from ILs, your MIL has absolutely let you down and you are understandably annoyed.

It sounds like you have (as a family) had a really tough time, and I think this contract, even with DH taking the day / MIL help was stretching you too far.

Another poster put it well - working out a plan where your wfh self-employment is flexible around DH's work AND he then supports your work in a way he can. And proper childcare. Although it's hard (re: expense) you need that first, then you chase the bigger contracts.

I can see how exhausting it must be for you - and yes, you're the only one b/f at night too.

do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?
This isn't fair, no. But this is not because your husband didn't take a sickie. This is the real issue you need to sort out, whether it is by him wfh at least partly, you pumping/weaning, childcare, or a combination.

I know what you mean about the man acting like it's the woman's problem, not his. I'd normally say to stamp that on the head early on, but I guess in your case that wasn't as necessary when the older children were small, so your dh has got away with it for ages? That will take some work to undo.

I guess childcare will be left to OP to sort too.
I guess now it's firmly added to the list of things to do.

Sounds like your DH wants a 1950s housewife/SAHM so in that case he needs to be the provider. He can't have it both ways. I'd suggest he gets a second job so you can concentrate on the children. If that's not agreeable then he needs to share the childcare.