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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

312 replies

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:10

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 28/07/2021 21:24

So your husband lost his job due to Covid and was lucky to get another one even with a huge paycut and you want him to risk that by pulling a sickie?
If I found out one of my employees had done this it would be a written warning. Your husbands employer is not there to subsidise your childcare costs.

Overthebow · 28/07/2021 21:25

YABU. You cannot expect him to take a sick day when he isn’t sick and your MIL doesn’t owe you any childcare. That said, childcare needs to be a joint decision and you both need to look at proper paid childcare options. Of course it eats into your earnings, you add this into finance planning when deciding to have a baby.

oblada · 28/07/2021 21:26

You expected him to lie to his employer in effect. So yabu. You need a proper plan which either involves him taking planned leave to help you, finding some paid help of sort, or working into the night/early morning/weekends if need be, leaving your husband to deal with the kids somehow.

Apeirogon · 28/07/2021 21:26

You are unreasonable to expect him to pull a sickie.
He's unreasonable to expect you to get up at 5am / lie to the client.
Sorry OP but you need to sort out proper childcare.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 28/07/2021 21:27

You do need a better plan long term but just for once I think he should have taken a day off. Even if it had to be unpaid. Mums often have to say 'childcare emergency' in these situations. Dads often seem to think It shouldn't fall on them as mum is default parent.

You will have to pay for childcare but it should come from both of you. How about you both drop a day and work four days, to cut down the cost?

Hercisback · 28/07/2021 21:27

Stop being bitter about the ILs.

Your DH needs to be taking his part in forming a plan for childcare. You've lost £1600 per month due to both of you being disorganised and unwilling to sort childcare.

pastabest · 28/07/2021 21:28

Sadly, my husband was made redundant during Covid as his older employer folded. He took the first available job on a huge, huge paycut. We have the overheads to match his old salary. I have had to rise to the challenge.

And you wanted him to risk his new job to fake a sickie because neither of you could organise a childminder when your work prospects increased?

LittleOwl153 · 28/07/2021 21:28

Your DH is wrong to expect you to maintain a good income and look after the children 24hours a day. He needs to make the effort to pick up his part.

You are both wrong to expect his parents to provide you childcare as they clearly do not wish to.

I would push for a location move if he cannot support you more - £1600 a month is a big contract to loose on 1 days work!

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:28

@Datingandnoideahowto

What she does or doesn’t do with his sister is irrelevant. Her kids are older for a start.

How much childcare were you asking of her?

Of course it's relevant. They are all her grandchildren and I haven't said what age her children are, they are similar ages 9, 8 and 1. Mine are 10, 6 and 1. My husband does a lot for his parents in terms of helping out and we have never asked for help before. We are also in a much more financially fragile position so in terms of who "needs" the support more I guess we do, but I don't think we are more deserving I think we should be equally deserving. I can't see why all her grandchildren wouldn't be treated the same or what the argument is in favour of helping only one of your children out in this way.

I am asking for 8 hours a week.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 28/07/2021 21:29

You want him to lie to his employer. He wants you to lie to your client. It's not working.

Spending on childcare needs to be part of the longer term plan - be it clubs or childminders or a local teenager doing ad hoc help.

Your MIL doesn't want to do childcare. You know this because you described as begrudging - accept it and plan around it.

Invisimamma · 28/07/2021 21:29

You need to pay for childcare like everyone else in this situation does. £1600 per month on just one contract, sounds like you can afford childcare you just don't want to. Obviously I do not know your outgoings but you need to budget accordingly and treat childcare like any other household expense. I earn far less than £1600 per month and can afford childcare.

Although as this once was last minute do should've taken holiday to help you out - he can't phone in sick though because he's not sick. You both need to take some responsibility for this and sort out proper childcare if you both want to work.

Nicknacky · 28/07/2021 21:29

Looking after three children is different to looking after 6!

Stop blaming your mil and your husband for not pulling a sickie.

DGFB · 28/07/2021 21:29

I actually think you’re not being unreasonable. Men expect women to drop everything for their work ALL the time (including funnily enough giving up their own careers).
He could have supported you this once.
Yes your childcare situation isn’t ideal but hopefully can get that sorted.
Sorry you lost your client

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:30

You’re so entitled it’s infuriating.

She has no obligation to look after your children for the chance of a contract. Was it guaranteed? Seems not from what you’ve said here?

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:31

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

You do need a better plan long term but just for once I think he should have taken a day off. Even if it had to be unpaid. Mums often have to say 'childcare emergency' in these situations. Dads often seem to think It shouldn't fall on them as mum is default parent.

You will have to pay for childcare but it should come from both of you. How about you both drop a day and work four days, to cut down the cost?

I feel like this is it. It was a childcare emergency not a sickie - I have taken the brunt of all the Covid self isolations, the home schooling, absolutely ever single day of it over the last year and a half. I was asking for him to take one day to look after the kids so that I could work and I don't think it was too much to ask. Women have to take time off when they have been let down with childcare all the time.
OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 28/07/2021 21:31

You need proper childcare and yes its OK to expect him to take an annual leave day if permitted but not a sick day that's not on. Your earning good money on part time hours by running yourself ragged and de facto working more hours in reality (or will need to to meet deadlines). Don't argue, talk it through and work out something sustainable that respects both your jobs.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 21:32

Could he have taken emergancy dependents leave or whatever it is called?
If so he should have done that.

You need childcare. Even if you have to downsize to afford it.

HerrenaHarridan · 28/07/2021 21:32

What the fuck is wrong with you all?

Your work is just as important as his.

It was reasonable to ask him to pull as sickie this once bit that needed to be followed with a better plan than you just carry everything

You are being treat very unfairly here

Never mind his mum that’s just more sexist bullshit

Make your husband step the fuck up!

If you’re earning that well and caring for three kids single handedly and he won’t even step in for a day when you really need him... what exactly is the point of him anyway?

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:33

He should have taken dependants leave/childcare leave not a sickie. Why didn’t he?

daisypond · 28/07/2021 21:34

YABU. You cannot ask your DH to pull a sickie. That would be terrible, and could lose him his job. I would expect childcare costs to take up a good part of a salary. It’s generally “pointless” to work when you have childcare costs, but you need to have an eye on the long game. I’ve never known anyone have grandparents look after DC as a form of childcare. You need a better plan. Why don’t you get a nanny? Even for the short term?

Hercisback · 28/07/2021 21:35

No one has said her work isn't important. But they both need to make a plan that doesn't involve MIL as she is clearly unreliable.

Your inlaws make their choices re childcare for others. That's nothing to do with you and doesn't mean you're entitled or deserve it. You're allowed to be resentful but ultimately they owe you nothing.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/07/2021 21:35

OP, do you think you did everything you could to get the client?

saoirse31 · 28/07/2021 21:35

Yabu expecting childcare. It's all v well to say she's provided childcare for your sister in law's kids, maybe that's just enough for her. Maybe your kids are harder work, maybe she wants a break. I think like most people you need to organise proper childcare and pay for it tbh. A relative , minding for free or less than normal rates is never going to be that reliable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2021 21:35

They don’t want to help you so you can’t rely on them and need a paid alternative ASAP. What options have you looked at? You’re wasting energy resenting their resentment. You can also dial back any help you’re giving them at the moment. You’ve got too much on to be supporting other people. If they need help your SIL can do it.

SW1amp · 28/07/2021 21:35

@HerrenaHarridan

What the fuck is wrong with you all?

Your work is just as important as his.

It was reasonable to ask him to pull as sickie this once bit that needed to be followed with a better plan than you just carry everything

You are being treat very unfairly here

Never mind his mum that’s just more sexist bullshit

Make your husband step the fuck up!

If you’re earning that well and caring for three kids single handedly and he won’t even step in for a day when you really need him... what exactly is the point of him anyway?

You don’t ‘step up’ by pulling a sickie and leaving your colleagues in the shit

You sort out childcare so you can both do the job you are paid (or hope to be paid) for

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