To want a night off?

[theUrbanDryad]

As some of you who are on the Xmas do thread might know, dh and i are currently in "negotiations" over when i come back from the MN Xmas do. the plan originally was that i was going to drive down to a MNer's house, get ready there, go from there to London, then stay over there and drive back to IL's (where dh and ds would be staying) in the morning. that plan went awry because the MNer couldn't go in the end.

anyway, then i said i'd just get the train back the same night, but i realised that i'd have to leave the party at half 10 which would be rather pointless.

then a lovely MNer offered me either a place to crash overnight, or a lift back to her house so i could drive back to the IL's the same evening. i would rather stay over because if i drive back that evening then i can't have a drink.

i don't think it's unreasonable to have one night off. dh can settle ds now, ds takes a bottle, and he'll be with his grandparents, who utterly adore him. i should add, by the way, that dh has spent quite a few nights away since ds was born (admittedly for work, but still) and i'm exepcted to just cope with that, while he has ds for 1 night and it's the end of the farkin world.

so, AIBU??

MrUD you asked some specifics I feel I'd like to respond to. These are in no way getting at either of you. But you've posted an AIBU, which at heart I think are the simple question, what does everyone else do. Here's my take on it:

'But AIBU to be upset when she tells me how things are going to go, and then it turns out completely differently, not just once, but every single time she's gone out?'

Lucky her for having some spontaneous time. What a very adult joy.

'AIBU to ask for some reassurances?'

Sorry that's a bit vague - that she's ever coming back? She is, you know. That you are good enough for DS? You are, should go without saying, you could probably do with building your own parenting confidence. That she should come back and be a reassuring human dummy for a very lucky little boy? Yes, that's unreasonable. Try it this way: you would have to cope with (deity etc forbid) major illness/accident interrupting a nice smooth first year. Wouldn't you rather feel more prepared? Building your own abilities is the best assurance around.

'AIBU to be concerned for our baby, and be wondering whether I should put him down for a few minutes to boil a kettle to warm a bottle, when he's crying, but decide to keep holding and singing to him because I think UD will be back in a few minutes - but then she isn't?'

Wouldn't be concerned, no. Missing a reassurance nighttime feed is not sending him to developmental hell. Yes, its always a shame when you can't use the easiest and most familiar 'dealing' method in any situation. But you are being unreasonable at 10 mths to be fretting such a small detail, figure it out! Just offer the bottle! Get in there every night until she goes and get ds addicted to your particular song/rock whatever it is.

'AIBU to have desperately wished that last time she went out, I would be able to trust her to keep to her word, but feel really crushed when she didn't?'

Erm, yes. 'Desperate'/'crushed'. Resolve the stuff about lack of confidence in your skills, and this should dial down to a more reasonable irritated/miffed level!

Sounds like UD and you are the victim of your previous parenting success, but it's time to move onwards and upwards?

Ohhhhh, using the word "stroppy" wasn't good. Oh nonononono.

"There may be trouble ahead...."

"It's just that I care for and love our little Zacky so much that I hate not being good enough for him and when I'm saying to him 'It's okay, your mum will be back in a bit', and I think she's going to be, but she's just not, we both get quite upset."

I hereby nominate this paragraph for the Mumsnet Who Do You Think You're Kidding Award.

Mrs. UD, please go out and get plastered.

chocchip - i think we should nominate it for the MN "covert aggression" award

Bleargh. Mumsnet ate my arsey flounce.

I'm too tired to re-type it.

lol @ you flouncing

all newbies flounce within half a day of joining MN

I have this vision of UD typing furiously, and then hopping up so MrUD can sit down and type furiously, fingers flying, like some sort of insane Marital Musical Chairs. Is that what's happening?

Nope. We both have our own laptops and a wireless connection.

Sometimes we talk on MSN when sitting in the same room...

MUD and TUD, i like you....can i hire you to do a spot at a party?

hope you sort it out...so that TUD goes to party and stays overnight...

my cynicism at this alleged inability to cope and miss tud so much, may be tainted by the fact my exh used to do/say exactly the same thing

it wasnt about not coping at all, it was about him not wanting to let me go out, dressed up in lots of reasonable sounding explanations, but it was his insecurities that were the underlying issues

i still went out, but had to put up with endless calls , where he would put one of the kids on so i could hear them crying, or just angrier and angrier messages asking what was doing and why wasnt i replying to him

then when i did get home the next day i would be reduced to tears for going out and having some fun

same routine everytime, waved off with a smile on his face , followed by non stop harrassment until i got back

it didnt stop me , if i had stayed in he would have found something else to rant about, but it did make me realise i wasnt prepared to live like that anymore, and is one of the reasons he is now an exh

i'm sure mtud isnt as deranged as my exh, and will let tud go and have a great overnighter with his blessing tho