To want a night off?

[theUrbanDryad]

As some of you who are on the Xmas do thread might know, dh and i are currently in "negotiations" over when i come back from the MN Xmas do. the plan originally was that i was going to drive down to a MNer's house, get ready there, go from there to London, then stay over there and drive back to IL's (where dh and ds would be staying) in the morning. that plan went awry because the MNer couldn't go in the end.

anyway, then i said i'd just get the train back the same night, but i realised that i'd have to leave the party at half 10 which would be rather pointless.

then a lovely MNer offered me either a place to crash overnight, or a lift back to her house so i could drive back to the IL's the same evening. i would rather stay over because if i drive back that evening then i can't have a drink.

i don't think it's unreasonable to have one night off. dh can settle ds now, ds takes a bottle, and he'll be with his grandparents, who utterly adore him. i should add, by the way, that dh has spent quite a few nights away since ds was born (admittedly for work, but still) and i'm exepcted to just cope with that, while he has ds for 1 night and it's the end of the farkin world.

so, AIBU??

Still true though...

So your dh is staying with his parents and therefore has more support than you normally get day to day and overnight when he works away, yet he thinks you should come home because he cant cope if you dont?

Sounds as if its about time he learnt how to cope, next time you have a night out make sure he gets the full experience by being home on his own with ds.

Women are not naturally better at looking after our children - we simply have more practice and we all have to learn sometime! (in my case I was 17 when i was thrown in the deep end looking after dd1 ft on my own, i've somehow managed and dd1 has managed to get to 8yrs old without any major traumas) so im sure he can cope for 24 tiny hours........

feel free to respond to other posters anytime you like, dear...

"Lunchtime the next day"

I would be cool with lunchtime the next day if it wasn't completely uncharted territory. Of course, we've got to get there at some point, but doing things this way there's no safety net and no way of knowing whether it's likely to be okay or not.

If you were to take Zack out of the equation, I'd be fine with UD doing pretty much whatever she wanted. This isn't a 'Man needs to be in charge. Keep little woman under thumb' type thing, which is how I feel is the way some of the other posters are seeing it.

I would be much happier if trust had been built up again slowly and moving towards staying away nights had been worked up to.

As it is, yeah, it's quite daunting, because I don't know how Zack is going to take it, and I have no idea whether how UD says things will be, will bear any relation whatsoever to what actually happens - or when I should start worrying if I haven't heard from her.

I have an IMPORTANT question....

Is UD a saggitarius by chance?

"no safety net"...you'll be with your parents ffs!

no...Aquarius, why?

"maybe a part of you trying to pin her down on a time is in a small way a reflection of your preferring her not to stay out all night because you're worried about Z being unhappy."

Nail on head. That is how I feel.

"maybe for UD, having your night out defined by when you'll be home to feed the baby kind of affects the way you feel about the night out."

Okay. Yes. I understand that. But it sort of is the position we're in at the moment.

"Y'know, maybe amateur psychology isn't my strong point... Debates over whether to press post or not...retypes...deletes...retypes...presses post"

Don't worry. You made good sense.

did you even read 2Happy and Soupy's posts?

oops, x post, sorry

Basically breastfeeding is the issue......

So you have some EBM in the fridge yes? UD are you confident you can produce enough to last the entire time?

So Zack wakes at 11ish for a feed? (so you pre empt this and start warming the bottle at 10.45 just incase he's early) then you have the bottle warm and ready for 11pm and there is no crying or little crying? quick nappy change is needed and straight back down to sleep.

What about sleeping in UD nightie or sleeping with it so zack can smell it?

Ooh, very interesting to have both sides .

Okay, rather than deciding who's right or wrong, how about finding a solution?

Why don't you, for the nights up until she goes out (or even permanently, if it's going well) have MrUD take over the 11pm feed and be responsible for settling him? If ds is familiar with daddy feeding and settling him then he is less likely to be so upset when UD goes off to the MN meet. UD can express that feed every night so she has a good stock of milk for MrUD to use.

I have sympathy for both of you as I also have an 11mo ds who is exclusively bf and would not settle for daddy overnight. We cracked it by giving dh one wake up to deal with when I was NOT, under any circumstances, to go in. It took 3 nights I think, then ds2 would settle without a murmur after a cuddle with dh. It was hard for dh but he can now settle ds2 if I go out [ironic].

"Gosh, not several evenings"

Well, that's more to do with us being extremely poor than anyone on either side trying to restrict the amount either goes out.

I can count the number of times I've been out since Z was born probably just on one hand, maybe stretching to two, but certainly not needing to go onto toes.

"maybe for UD, having your night out defined by when you'll be home to feed the baby kind of affects the way you feel about the night out."

Okay. Yes. I understand that. But it sort of is the position we're in at the moment.

but it doesn't have to be. i don't see why you can't just accept that i'll be home when i'm home (like i do for you) and look after Z til i get back??

Safety net?? It's parenting, not a flying trapeze!

Wondered is she was a sag because they dislike being tied to a time. PLus it takes the freedom feel out of it if she has to be home by xxx.

Could understand if she did this monthly or weekly but its a one off.

How many time will zack wake in the night?

Can you have a nap in the afternoon so you are prepared for less sleep at night and ask your parents to mind zack in the morning so you get a lie in?

great post Olihan. that would be a good solution, yes

That is a good idea, Olihan! When's the night out? Is there time to practice?

ye gods

you guys need to have this talk PRIVATELY at home, not on mumsnet

very uncomfortable, like eavesdropping on one of those tight lipped, whispered, very polite rows in a restaurant

'but ^darling.. i always get back when i say i will.... '

'actually, no my angelcake . you get back 2 hours later...'

tis Saturday, and MrUD has been going up to settle for about a month, so Z is used to seeing daddy at nighttime...

It's an occasional night. Your DS will neither die nor will he suffer untold psychological scarring because of it.

He doesn't understand nor care that his mummy will be "back in 20 minutes", he just knows that the warm squidgy breast he wants isn't there (it's not about mummy in this situation, sorry UD Actually, maybe MrUD could try lathing him on for a comfort suck...? Maybe not.)

camilla (are you lulu in disguise?) - we have been having this discussion at home. it has come to nought. dh suggested i ask the might of mn, so i did...

I'm not convinced by the uncharted territory argument TBH. It is of course, but that doesn't mean there isn't a reason to chart it.