Right. Okay. I'm being unreasonable. Fine. Put this way, of course it seems like I am.
(This is the DH in question, finally persuaded to get his own Mumsnet account, by the way.)
Some context is needed here, to get a better picture, I think, before everyone thinks I'm some kind of monster. Apologies for bringing our domestic to your boards, but well... SHE STARTED IT!
Anyway, some context. The lady you all know as The Urban Dryad is a great mum to our Zack. A brilliant one. He's never touched formula and I believe is all the better for this. He also sleeps in our bed most nights, and when he wakes up he can be settled quickly and easily by nursing.
As far as it goes, this is all great and exclusive breastfeeding, and attached parenting are choices UD made that I completely support.
However - the kind of occasion we're talking about here brings the downside.
UD will probably have a go at me again for bringing this up. but it's context which I'm basing my feelings on, which are very relevant to whether IABU or not.
She's been out several evenings in the past few months, and I've looked after him. That's cool. I want her to be able to go out and have a break and some fun.
However, I also like to have some idea when she'll be back and also that she's got a way of getting home safely. Is that unreasonable? That's a matter of opinion, I suppose, but when Zack has woken up and is crying his little eyes out, and I'm trying to warm him a bottle of milk and calling UD to ask when she'll be back and she tells me 'I'm leaving now', I think fine... that's okay. I reassure Zack and cuddle him and try and get him to settle.
...an hour and a bit later, and UD isn't home, I think is is reasonable to get worried.
Of course, there's a reasonable explanation - it's that everyone needed lifts home and 'I'm leaving now' means 'I'm leaving now, but driving all over town taking everyone home first', when I've got a little one who is used to being comforted at night by breastfeeding, who is getting more and more hoarse with crying and looks like he hates me because I'm not his mum.
Okay, on its own, that could be a one off that's not so bad, and next time it'll be fine. Yeah? Not unreasonable to think so.
So, next time...
Next time, I do actually get Zack to sleep with an expressed bottle. He spends half an hour or so crying in my arms, but yes, I do get him to sleep again the first time. It's going to be okay... until 'I'll be back around half eleven' fades into the past and when she eventually does get back in, she's in quite a bad state and I've got the joyous task of holding her hair out of the way of a sick bowl for her whilst she's trying to breastfeed Zack. He's awake and screaming and UD is projectile vomiting and I'm looking after them both until the early hours.
One bitten, twice shy, at this point.
However, the next next time, I think, okay, it'll be fine. It's got to be okay, this time surely.
But again, Zack does his eleven o'clock wake up. I'm no good at all, but I try to hold off calling. Half an hour later, I text just to check she's okay. Zack's awake and crying, and I'm trying to be the one to earn some trust by both staying cool and looking after him and not calling UD.
But yeah, Zack's sobbing away, I'm no good and it's another hour and a half before she gets back.
"I ran into an old friend and got chatting" is what I have to accept.
I was actually really gutted by this, because I was really strongly hoping that everything was going to be okay, and we'd both be able to build up some mutual trust. Her by sticking to her promises, me by staying chilled out.
I'm not some control freak. I do want her to be able to have a life.
It's just that I care for and love our little Zacky so much that I hate not being good enough for him and when I'm saying to him 'It's okay, your mum will be back in a bit', and I think she's going to be, but she's just not, we both get quite upset.
So, yeah, I want UD to be able to go to this party. I want her to be able to go out whenever she wants.
But AIBU to be upset when she tells me how things are going to go, and then it turns out completely differently, not just once, but every single time she's gone out?
AIBU to ask for some reassurances?
AIBU to be concerned for our baby, and be wondering whether I should put him down for a few minutes to boil a kettle to warm a bottle, when he's crying, but decide to keep holding and singing to him because I think UD will be back in a few minutes - but then she isn't?
AIBU to have desperately wished that last time she went out, I would be able to trust her to keep to her word, but feel really crushed when she didn't?
This isn't about me being controlling. Or old-fashioned. It's because I care so much for our little boy and want to know where I stand when I'm looking after him. It's not because I can't cope.
I just don't want to be told one thing, and then have that change, and change and change and be told that I'm the unreasonable one for having a problem with that.
So, this Mumsnet evening. Yeah. Of course I'd like UD to go. But I'd also like to know she's going to be safe, and at what point I should start being concerned if she isn't where she says she's going to be.
So - who is BU?