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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister doesn't want to spend time with us

207 replies

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:01

My dsis lives about three hours away, we haven't seen her or her husband for at least 28 months due to Covid. She's not brilliant at keeping in touch but I do try to send emails and phone her to stay in contact.

Shed mentioned us going to visit a long time ago. Dh is working a lot of weekends do I said I would bring the kids down on my own and we could go out all together. Dsis emailed yesterday to say that she was looking forward to our visit and hoped we would enjoy whatever we'd planned for the Saturday. She and her husband had chosen to play golf that day but we would maybe have dinner together.

AIBU to think this is a bit off? I am driving down to see them (I'm not a brilliant driver so worry about it!) and we would probably get down there Fri evening then be leaving Sunday midday. She hasn't seen her nieces for 18 months!

OP posts:
TheWeeDonkeyFella · 28/07/2021 13:37

Another vote for cancelling/postponing. There isn't even a definite commitment to have dinner together on the Saturday so its a fair way to travel for a few hours Friday eve/Sunday morning.

It sounds like it could be quite stressful for you being a nervous driver with a three hour drive there and then driving around a strange area while you entertain yourselves on Saturday and another three hours drive home to face, on top of possible upset if you see very little of your sister. Doesn't sound like fun for you or your DCs.

Drainedagain2 · 28/07/2021 13:54

Op your sister is being extremly rude , oh and re dinner , no doubt it will be at 9pm somewhere or also cancelled. The responses from ppl saying maybe she just doesn't have the energy for kids etc are absolutely pathetic. Also the ones "oh maybe she just isn't interested or doesn't like being around kids", what for a few hours?? .also switch this around to "sorry, I just don't like being around old people or childless people , is that acceptable?? But on mn it's apparently acceptable to say this all the time about kids, so , so weird and creepy tbh.
I would definitely say "thanks but I assumed we'd spend the day together, no worries, catch up when you are free, bye bye now". I've been there a lot, spending all my time in playgrounds on my own whey visiting family, bizarre but what can ya do...

Erwhatno · 28/07/2021 14:16

At this point I’d be straight with her. Say
‘We’re literally coming down just to see you, but if you’re going out there’s no point us coming. I thought you’d want to see us?’
And depending on her reply, decide what to do then. If she’s not fussed, this would be the last time I’d bother.

Lavender24 · 28/07/2021 14:24

I'd cancel and just stop bothering. Let her come to you. And if she doesn't then it's no loss you you as she obviously was never bothered about you anyway (don't mean this harshly).

Jerseygirl12 · 28/07/2021 14:25

I’d cancel and maybe try and arrange a meet up halfway for just you and your DSIS.

SophieB100 · 28/07/2021 14:35

Another one saying cancel.
She could play golf another weekend.
Think she's regretting inviting you and perhaps hoping you'll get the hint and cancel.
So do it, and let her contact you in future about further visits.
Sorry if it hurts OP (I'd be hurt too) but I think she's giving you a message.

boomwhacker · 28/07/2021 14:35

My in-laws are all like this OP. They live about 6 hours drive from us and I can't tell you the amount of times we've driven to see them (having been asked to visit) to find them not in or already booked up with plans. On our last visit we had arranged to meet them and my FIL did not come as he was doing "odd jobs" that day. They hadn't seen us for 12 months and it's been 12 months since then but apparently those "odd jobs" couldn't wait until the next day when we came home. However you look at it, it's rude and hurtful and has impacted on our relationship with them and their relationship with our children. Their choice, just as it is your sister's choice. You have my sympathy though because I know how hard it is.

Catflapkitkat · 28/07/2021 14:50

What are you going to do OP?

Micemakingclothes · 28/07/2021 15:01

I would cancel. There is no point in making the trip just for a dinner. Tell her you didn’t realize she was busy and you will do it another time. Yes, you know she is ignoring you, but I would pretend she isn’t because it’s so ridiculous that maybe it will help her see how ridiculous she is being.

Holly60 · 28/07/2021 15:18

Your sister is rude!!! I wouldn’t go if I were you…

LatinforTelly · 28/07/2021 15:19

How do you think she'd react, OP, if you were honest and said you found this hurtful?

I do think this is rude. If you were staying a week, fair enough, but a short weekend? Not on.

seven201 · 28/07/2021 15:20

That is very shitty of her. Personally I'd reply saying "I thought we would be spending the time together. can you miss the golf? It's a long way for me to come to just hang out with the kids by myself. I've missed spending time with you, as have the girls"

Taliskerskye · 28/07/2021 15:26

That’s really bizarre behaviour
I wouldn’t be nice, I would say, hey sister WTAF

Crunchymum · 28/07/2021 15:31

I'd cancel and I would tell her that there is no point you coming to spend the day by yourselves. Offer to rearrange another time when she is available. If she ever is!

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 15:56

I text her saying that she was busy all Saturday so maybe we could rearrange for another weekend.

"Don't worry we can reschedule for another weekend" was the very brief response.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 15:57

In the past she has been distant, I thought after Covid things might be different. They are, things are worse!

I am putting my energy into my family and the people who care about us from now on.

OP posts:
Jerseygirl12 · 28/07/2021 15:59

I’ve found people who were a bit distant before COVID have become really distant now or disappeared and the ones I was close to are even closer since COVID. Lots of people I know have said the same thing.

Kentishbear · 28/07/2021 16:04

I have a family member like this, its heart breaking sometimes. We would make plans and then he would email and say he had booked the car in for a service or is going to look at a new carpet etc instead so can we rearrange. He would also travel a lot and if there were a hint of illness mentioned in the house he would cancel on us. I'm not talking about days before his holiday, I'm talking about if you mentioned you had a cold a couple of weeks back and he was going away in a 3 weeks time he would bail.

I have given up trying now, mine and my families happiness is more than him despite being blood. Walk away from horrible people xx

RampantIvy · 28/07/2021 16:09

I'm so sorry that she doesn't care Flowers. She sounds rather selfish and self absorbed. Maybe don't bother with Christmas and birthday cards any more.

Do you have any other family?

Goodtogosummer · 28/07/2021 16:39

Her is crap OP and I retract my earlier comment somewhat.

It doesn't sound like she just wanted a few hours to herself during your stay, it's clear she's not bothered all round, very hurtful Sad

I'm not sure what I'd do from here, either write her a long message/ email saying how disappointed you are, that you and your daughters are wanting more of a relationship with her and you're hurt she's literally not bothered about not seeing you for years and see what she says. Or, just ignore and get on with your life and see if she comes round of her own accord.

Goodtogosummer · 28/07/2021 16:39

Her reply*

theleafandnotthetree · 28/07/2021 16:44

@boomwhacker

My in-laws are all like this OP. They live about 6 hours drive from us and I can't tell you the amount of times we've driven to see them (having been asked to visit) to find them not in or already booked up with plans. On our last visit we had arranged to meet them and my FIL did not come as he was doing "odd jobs" that day. They hadn't seen us for 12 months and it's been 12 months since then but apparently those "odd jobs" couldn't wait until the next day when we came home. However you look at it, it's rude and hurtful and has impacted on our relationship with them and their relationship with our children. Their choice, just as it is your sister's choice. You have my sympathy though because I know how hard it is.
Not to be rude, but what relationship? That is absolutely appalling, the mind boggles. About the only good thing you can say about this kind of calousness and coldness is that you can feel free to respond in kind in the future if they find themselves needing help
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 17:13

Dh said he wasn't surprised by her reply, he has always wondered why I've tried despite her disinterest (I hadn't seen it like that before- denial maybe).

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 28/07/2021 17:15

@Jennybeans401

Dh said he wasn't surprised by her reply, he has always wondered why I've tried despite her disinterest (I hadn't seen it like that before- denial maybe).
So, she has always been disinterested? If so, it seems odd that she went out of her way to invite you this time?

Or were you the instigator-did you suggest you coming to visit and she gave you some dates?

harverina · 28/07/2021 17:18

Why don’t you ask her what the issue is, or if there is an issue? You’ve nothing to lose really?

I find her behaviour rude and bizarre. You wouldn’t do that to friends visiting, so why do that to family. Unless going for a longer period I would totally expect my family to spend the limited time with me - otherwise what would the point me of going 😂

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