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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister doesn't want to spend time with us

207 replies

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:01

My dsis lives about three hours away, we haven't seen her or her husband for at least 28 months due to Covid. She's not brilliant at keeping in touch but I do try to send emails and phone her to stay in contact.

Shed mentioned us going to visit a long time ago. Dh is working a lot of weekends do I said I would bring the kids down on my own and we could go out all together. Dsis emailed yesterday to say that she was looking forward to our visit and hoped we would enjoy whatever we'd planned for the Saturday. She and her husband had chosen to play golf that day but we would maybe have dinner together.

AIBU to think this is a bit off? I am driving down to see them (I'm not a brilliant driver so worry about it!) and we would probably get down there Fri evening then be leaving Sunday midday. She hasn't seen her nieces for 18 months!

OP posts:
Abouttimemum · 28/07/2021 08:41

If I hadn’t seen my nephews for 18 months and they came to visit I wouldn’t leave their side. I actually miss the quality time I used to have looking after them and taking them away after having my own DC.

I’d email and say sorry I hadn’t realised you already had plans, shall I come another time? I think fair enough if they wanted to play golf am or pm but just seeing them for a dinner and a couple of hours on the Sunday morning is nothing.
Take the kids to the cinema if she doesn’t want to actually talk to them!

Rude or disinterested, either way I’m sorry OP!

Phineyj · 28/07/2021 08:41

Hi OP - I have a similarly challenging relationship with my sister. I thought I'd recommend this book, which really helped me. The focus is on feeling OK about the efforts you have made but accepting that for whatever reason they cannot respond. There could be all sorts of reasons why your DSis is being like this (some of which may lie in the past, in her current relationship, in her own struggles) and it's likely they don't have much to do with you and it would be best not to take them personally.

I put up with a lot of rude and flakey behaviour from my DSis in the interest of maintaining the cousin relationship, but I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. I try not to put a lot more effort in than she does, these days.

"Why Can't We Get Along? Healing Adult Sibling Relationships: Amazon.co.uk: Goldenthal, Peter: 9780471388425: Books" www.amazon.co.uk/Along-Healing-Adult-Sibling-Relationships/dp/0471388424/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=why+cant+we+get+along&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1627457688&sr=8-1

theleafandnotthetree · 28/07/2021 08:43

@JamieFrasersBigSwingingKilt

Are your kids 'spirited' or 'full of energy'?
Even if they were, you could bloody well suck it up for a day. I find the sister's stance not just rude but very hurtful, the OP wants her to want to spend time with her and her girls after 18 months apart, not have to beg for scraps of time.
Sceptre86 · 28/07/2021 08:44

I can see why you are hurt and to be honest this kind of behaviour is very hard for me to understand. My dsis hadn't seen my kids for ages due to covid, even though we are not super close she still videocalled them regularly and cleared her diary when we went to visit. Yours doesn't sound interested, so I would just back off. You can't engineer a relationship if she isn't interested.

Sacreblue · 28/07/2021 08:45

My understanding is that it’s Fri evening to Sun lunch and the golf is after breakfast & before evening meal on the Sat.

If that’s the case I stand by my post.

I have friends I can spend hours and hours with, others I have to limit the time because I feel more worn out.

Ditto @Goodtogosummer above, it’s a good thing to know your own personal limits and plan accordingly.

theleafandnotthetree · 28/07/2021 08:46

@redastherose

Are you sure that it's your sister being awkward and not her husband? Is he controlling and does he make it difficult for her to spend time with her family? I'm just asking because it might be that he has thrown a strop at her.
Then it's up to her sister to tell him to fuck off or to tell the OP what the situation is....not hurt her feelings by telling her they are going golfing in preference to spending time with her
Whitney168 · 28/07/2021 08:48

I'm another in the 'cut your losses and cancel' camp. She is making it quite clear that you will maybe scrape a wee bit of time for her, and it doesn't sound as if that's even guaranteed. Not worth a 6 hour drive.

Ourlady · 28/07/2021 08:49

I'm afraid this blatantly shows how little she cares for you and your kids!
She sounds really mean making plans when you are traipsing all the way to visit.
I would say it's obvious she isn't really bothered about you going to visit so you will be cancelling.
Sometimes we just have to accept that just because they are family it doesn't mean they want to be friends.
This is you Sister!

rookiemere · 28/07/2021 08:49

@BluebellsGreenbells but OP and her DCs are not on holiday as such. They are expressly taking the trip to visit DSis, not for sightseeing.

In any case when I have had visitors and they want to visit expensive places that I've been to before I'll do as much as I can with them e.g. walk around the city but then leave them to visit historic property for a couple of hours. I wouldn't just throw them out with a map and tell them to get on with it unless that was the explicit agreement, or they were staying for more than a couple of days and I was working.

ZenNudist · 28/07/2021 08:51

Don't go! Rude.

hellcatspangle · 28/07/2021 08:52

I wouldn't go - just send her a message to cancel, saying you were hoping to spend time time with her and to let you know when she's got the day free. Then leave the ball in her court.

scrambledcustard · 28/07/2021 08:54

OP she is your sister. If your were close before and now feel a shift - talk to her about it.

Emailing (for me) is the last from of communication. Why are you not phoning each other or texting? Ive known my best friend for over 35 years ( I consider her to be like a sister) and we call/text each other at least twice a week.

How have you got to a monthly or two monthly email?

I"d try to reconnect and ring her. Talk to her about how you are feeling.

Personally I wouldn't go go up as what she has done is actually really rude. Maybe your not as close as you think or her DH is trying to control her. Its a pretty clear statement to make to a visiting guest

theleafandnotthetree · 28/07/2021 08:55

@Sacreblue

My understanding is that it’s Fri evening to Sun lunch and the golf is after breakfast & before evening meal on the Sat.

If that’s the case I stand by my post.

I have friends I can spend hours and hours with, others I have to limit the time because I feel more worn out.

Ditto @Goodtogosummer above, it’s a good thing to know your own personal limits and plan accordingly.

Maybe, just maybe, for one weekend one might expect one's sister to stretch her personal limits if indeed this is the issue. Sounds more like rudeness and self absorption to me.
KatherineJaneway · 28/07/2021 08:57

Sounds like she wants you there but he doesn't so he's pushed her to play golf with him so you'll be alone when visiting and would therefore cancel.

Rainallnight · 28/07/2021 08:57

Definitely cancel, especially if you’re a bit nervous about the drive. What’s the point if she’s not going to be there?

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 28/07/2021 08:59

God that’s so rude of her.
I’d cancel and say you would like to see her and can you rearrange when she is less busy with golf.
I think she’s being absolutely awful.

PRsecrets · 28/07/2021 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunnycat101 · 28/07/2021 09:01

The Saturday is the main chance to see you all. Friday will be late and you’ve probably got 3 hours on Sunday. She’s been very rude especially if she threw in dinner as a ‘maybe’ I don’t think anyone would begrudge her a few hours away but a whole day not seeing visitors is sending a message.

If she was so desperate to play golf, she could do a 9 round game and then still have plenty of the day to see you.

roguetomato · 28/07/2021 09:02

Sounds like she isn't interested, I would cancel.

rookiemere · 28/07/2021 09:03

Oh and if Dsis was worried about spending too much time together, the time to mention it was when throwing out suggestions on how to spend the day e.g. You guys may enjoy x,y & z whilst I'm out golfing, or similar.

5zeds · 28/07/2021 09:03

Just be honest and say you’re hurt she’s playing golf all Saturday as you assumed she’d picked that weekend because she was free to see you and your children. Explain that you’d rather not spend all that time away. From dh and in the car when she’s obviously so busy.

DogInATent · 28/07/2021 09:05

Just because someone's family doesn't mean they have to like you, or your children. Your only motivation for the visit seems to be for your DC to see their aunt. You don't seem to be very interested in seeing her as your sister. You sound like you think descending for a Royal Visit is doing her a great service.

Despite her having sent you a list of activities you could do together in the area you haven't gone back and suggested a single one you could do together - when were you planning on doing some planning?

Every single post you've made is focused on your DC. Maybe she's just not that interested in either them, or the combination of you and them.

Notagain20 · 28/07/2021 09:06

Sounds like she's not keen on spending time with you. I'd be honest and just say I'm disappointed that you have made other plans,see if she will discuss it. Me and my sister don't have much in common so we don't see much of each other, not a problem.

tentotwelve · 28/07/2021 09:07

It was extremely hurtful and rude of her. It makes you sound like one of these holiday friendships where the couple push for visits after you're all home.

I think you have to face the fact that you've been keeping the contact going and it's been very one-sided.

There's no point in you making this long journey for nothing. Just continue with an email now and again and leave it at that.

Notagain20 · 28/07/2021 09:07

But if you're upset then far better to be honest and say so, than let it fester