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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister doesn't want to spend time with us

207 replies

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:01

My dsis lives about three hours away, we haven't seen her or her husband for at least 28 months due to Covid. She's not brilliant at keeping in touch but I do try to send emails and phone her to stay in contact.

Shed mentioned us going to visit a long time ago. Dh is working a lot of weekends do I said I would bring the kids down on my own and we could go out all together. Dsis emailed yesterday to say that she was looking forward to our visit and hoped we would enjoy whatever we'd planned for the Saturday. She and her husband had chosen to play golf that day but we would maybe have dinner together.

AIBU to think this is a bit off? I am driving down to see them (I'm not a brilliant driver so worry about it!) and we would probably get down there Fri evening then be leaving Sunday midday. She hasn't seen her nieces for 18 months!

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 28/07/2021 08:06

A bit of time separately eg going for a morning run would be fine

Playing golf all day is rude. Sorry, it's hurtful, but I'd assume she's not that fussed about seeing you

You might still choose to go, if seeing her briefly is better than not seeing her at all

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face

Beachbabe1 · 28/07/2021 08:07

Simply rearrange for when your husband isn't working and she isn't already busy!!

Muchtoomuchtodo · 28/07/2021 08:08

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother.
Driving is stressful for you as staying away from home is usually more expensive than being at home.
The purpose of the trip was to spend time with your ds and that’s not going to happen.
Make it clear to her why you’re not going, ask if there’s a better weekend and chill out at home.
I

billy1966 · 28/07/2021 08:08

Very rude.

Cancel as she clearly is busy and I wouldn't reschedule.

Leave it with her.

She sounds supremely disinterested in you and your life OP.

Unfortunately that is her choice and you just have to accept it.

Stop speaking to your children about her, she is not interested in them.

LittleOwl153 · 28/07/2021 08:10

Are you staying with them?
Personally I'd probably ditch it. It appears that they are not interested in seeing you and you will only get them for dinner if she can't come up with a better offer so you could go all that way and not see them at all.
I'd respond - sorry I thought we were coming to spend some time with you. Let us know when you are actually free and we can rearrange!

Sleepingdogs12 · 28/07/2021 08:11

I would say that there are cross wires and if she is busy you will rearrange. I understand your disappointment as it is nice to get away with young children for a change. Unless she lives in a swanky house in a beautiful area and you will enjoy a change of scenery anyway. She sounds thoughtless really and perhaps doesn't view you as a guest as you are family. I would be upset though unless I knew this was something she was committed to and I made the arrangement anyway.

FlamingoQueen · 28/07/2021 08:11

I wouldn’t go - I would not visit my own dsis if she did this to me. She used to live 4 hours away and we would visit as often as we could (normally 2 or 3 times a year - she would come here too) but the weekend was for ‘us’ time too. It wasn’t just about her seeing my dc or me seeing hers. I used to like spending time with dsis and bil too. That’s what people do!

EmilyEmmabob · 28/07/2021 08:12

I don't think there's any point in saying that you'll come on a weekend when she's free to spend time with you all - you already did that and then she made plans.

As awful as it is I think you need to accept that she just isn't bothered. It's a horrible feeling, I have the same situation in my family and although I don't refuse to spend time with them at family events I just never go out of my way for anything for them now.

I'd say something along the lines of - I'm not driving 3 hours to spend time by myself, thanks for the offer of accommodation but we won't be coming. Enjoy golf. - then that would be it. Whatever she responds with after that is redundant, she's chosen to do something else rather than spend time with you so even if she backtracks it will be as awkward as anything. Tell her she's welcome to visit anytime if she wants to see the children. Then sit back and don't expect her to visit any time soon.

People have lots of reasons for avoiding spending time with others but when there's been such a long time between visits and there are children involved there are very little excuses that will cut it.

Sapnupuas · 28/07/2021 08:13

Cancel.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/07/2021 08:20

Cancel.

Why on earth would you "anxiously" drive cross country to someone who plainly doesn't want you there? People are different, you can't make them want to spend time with you. And yes its a shame when they are family but you are better off spending time with those who want it.

Look at it the other way around - would you want to host a family who whilst you liked them you didn't particularly want to spend the weekend cooped up with them? Although from their PoV, they shouldn't have agreed to guests they don't wish to host.

Emelene · 28/07/2021 08:20

This would really upset me too. How hurtful. I wouldn’t go. Agree with others to send back something like - we were coming to see you as we haven’t seen each other for so long. You didn’t say you would be out all day. Let me know which weekend you would be around. “ and leave it.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/07/2021 08:20

I agree you should message back and say that you didn't realise she was busy this weekend, maybe you could rearrange when she would be around.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/07/2021 08:22

It sounds like both sides don’t make much effort if you haven’t seen each other in over two years.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 28/07/2021 08:23

I too would reply and ask for an alternative date when she's free for the entire duration of your stay. Afterall, you are driving all that way to spend time with her.

Whinge · 28/07/2021 08:23

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

It sounds like both sides don’t make much effort if you haven’t seen each other in over two years.
OP corrected her mistake, she meant 18 months. Which for the most part I assume visits wasn't possible due to Covid-19.
Goodtogosummer · 28/07/2021 08:26

Couldn’t agree with @Sacreblue more.

We really need more context. Are you close? Do you get on well, have lots to talk about / in common?

Whenever the inlaws come down with all the kids, I often make myself scarce for some of the day on one of the days. I need to for my mental health, having a jam packed house and kids in it when you’re not used to it, having to constantly make polite conversation is bloody exhausting after a while.

I tend to do the first evening they arrive, the second day if it’s a day out I will go, if they just want to sit round the house (which they often do when they come up to visit, it’s dull as hell doing that) then I go off and do something for the afternoon and meet back up with them about 5/6ish and then spend Sunday morning with them before they go. It’s nothing against them, I’m just not particularly close to them so having to make small talk for 2-3 days without a break is mentally draining and I find having a break for an afternoon or whatever refreshes me and I feel ready to make conversation again.

OP, I think your sister has thought ahead and is thinking right, I’ll be spending Friday evening and Saturday evening and Sunday morning/ afternoon with them, in her head that’s enough. It’s a shame she doesn’t want to go out for the day or something on Saturday but depending on how close you are, perhaps she just needs a mental break to recharge her batteries. OR her DH does and she doesn’t have enough of a back bone to say okay that’s fine, you go off and play golf and I’ll spend Sat day with them.

ChicChaos · 28/07/2021 08:29

Is this their regular slot on the golf course, OP? Because you mention that you thought they would cancel which makes me think they do this every Saturday.

In your position, I would cancel. Do you think she would spend time with you and your children if you could go midweek?

Apart from the golf, you could be talking about my SIL btw!

rookiemere · 28/07/2021 08:30

Well if it's such a mental challenge for Dsis to spend a full day out with her Dnieces then best if OP cancels and saves her the stress.

Honestly, if they were coming say Friday night to Monday morning then fine for Dsis to take some time out - although even then a full days golfing is a bit much - but they are there for one full day only and two evenings it's as short a visit as one could do with that distance.

NellePorter · 28/07/2021 08:31

OP I'm sorry, this must hurt Flowers your girls sound lovely, spend time with people who appreciate them.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/07/2021 08:32

I'd take the hint tbh.
For whatever reason she doesn't really care if she sees you or not.
You should cancel and step back rather than continue to basically beg for a relationship with her.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/07/2021 08:34

Where are you sleeping op?

sailmeaway · 28/07/2021 08:36

OP that is a shame. When I go to see my Dsis she tries to take time off work to spend more time with us even though I tell her she doesn't need to.
She's just not that interested which is a bit odd.

BluebellsGreenbells · 28/07/2021 08:39

Does she I’ve in a holiday destination by any chance?

It gets really dull having visitors expecting your guides when we’ve done it all more than 10 times!!

You don’t normally go on holiday and expect the host to show you round.

I’d be delighted to just meet up for dinner/tea/breakfast

LannieDuck · 28/07/2021 08:39

That's really rude. She invited you. You don't invite someone to your house and then bugger off for the day and leave them to it.

Elisannah · 28/07/2021 08:41

@RampantIvy

Just tell her you didn't realise she was busy and will come another time.

I'd be inclined to do this as well.

Agree with these pp. Totally reasonable to feel hurt about this and 3 hours is too far for just a couple of evenings. Phrasing it like this helps make it clear your priority is spending time with them as a family without sounding accusatory. YANBU.