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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister doesn't want to spend time with us

207 replies

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:01

My dsis lives about three hours away, we haven't seen her or her husband for at least 28 months due to Covid. She's not brilliant at keeping in touch but I do try to send emails and phone her to stay in contact.

Shed mentioned us going to visit a long time ago. Dh is working a lot of weekends do I said I would bring the kids down on my own and we could go out all together. Dsis emailed yesterday to say that she was looking forward to our visit and hoped we would enjoy whatever we'd planned for the Saturday. She and her husband had chosen to play golf that day but we would maybe have dinner together.

AIBU to think this is a bit off? I am driving down to see them (I'm not a brilliant driver so worry about it!) and we would probably get down there Fri evening then be leaving Sunday midday. She hasn't seen her nieces for 18 months!

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 28/07/2021 09:07

@Jennybeans401

She doesn't have kids but brother in law has nieces and they have been on several weekends away with them in the past. Dsis has paid for activities and they have done these all together.
How did you know she paid for them? Were you expecting her to pay for your kids?

When you say she sent you a post of dates, was that completely unprompted or had you asked when you could come to stay?

When did you last host them for the weekend?

MyFartWillGoOn · 28/07/2021 09:08

OP, a lot of weird replies on here from people!

From your OP

-you tend to try to stay in touch by email
AND phone (phone seems to have been missed by some)

-SHE suggested you visit her so that is clearly the sole purpose of your visit!

-you clearly said about doing some fun things together which dSIS then sent some suggestions so it's not a leap at all to think these activities would be done together!

-after saying she's playing golf all day she MAYBE able to have dinner together in the evening.

I agree with PP that I would cancel with something along the lines off 'Sorry DSIS, we must have got our wires crossed as I didn't realise you had plans Saturday! Obviously we're coming up to spend time with you both so let's postpone until you're free. Let me know some dates but we're next free x x x dates'

I think her response will let you know if there is an issue.

JustGiveMeGin · 28/07/2021 09:10

Emailing family is....odd. Don't most people text/WhatsApp/Facebook messenger or similar? Emailing is cold and somewhat business like imo.
It doesn't sound like you're particularly close to each other (if this was my family going to play golf a WhatsApp would be sent saying wtf are you playing at....and at least an explanation/excuse would be given!).
Is it possible she just isn't as interested as you in the relationship you have? You obviously love your girls but believe me the rest of your family are under no obligation to feel the same (bitter experience). I would cancel and say its not worth the drive and you'll rearrange another date when it's more convenient, then I would leave the ball in her court.

mnahmnah · 28/07/2021 09:11

Well I think that is really rubbish of her. I would be very upset that she’d rather play golf than spend time with us. In your position I wouldn’t go and I’d send a message saying what you said above - that you mistakenly thought you were going there to spend time with her and how much your children have missed her. As it’s not requited, I wouldn’t bother going.

FortunesFave · 28/07/2021 09:11

I remember when my DC were small and I longed for a closer relationship with my sisters but neither of them...both older than me...wanted to know really. They didn't and don't mix together either so it's not that.

If I went to their house then they'd be sort of happy to see me and my kids but they NEVER came to mine unless it was a birthday party.

No shopping or cafe visits. To make it worse, my oldest sister socialised a lot with our cousins who lived round the corner to her.

Weird. I've moved to Australia now...we're barely in touch. I don't understand siblings like this. We had good childhoods...played together normally and everything.

I feel for you OP but try to accept it. Its hurtful though.

PegasusReturns · 28/07/2021 09:11

Of course it’s off.

Even if your DC are the devil incarnate doesn’t she want to spend time with you?!

In my family DH and I would travel to my siblings and DH would end up taking point with the DC so me and my siblings could have fun.

NinaGonk · 28/07/2021 09:15

That's not good OP. I would reply back "Are you not coming out with us? We'd love to spend time with you."

I'd not see the point in a long journey only to spend the day with the people I live with.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/07/2021 09:17

Dsis emailed yesterday to say that she was looking forward to our visit and hoped we would enjoy whatever we'd planned for the Saturday. She and her husband had chosen to play golf that day but we would maybe have dinner together.

I'm a childfree aunt to various nieces and nephews who live a fair distance away, and I agree that this is really off! She agreed to the dates of the visit, so this wasn't just imposed on her without discussion.

If you invite someone to come and see you for the weekend, then you spend the time with them, doing things that are enjoyable for everyone in the group. For us, this usually means going on child-friendly walks or BBQing in the garden, we would never go and play sport while we had people visiting - how rude!

Sadiecow · 28/07/2021 09:19

I wouldn't go, she is rude!

Namechangeforthisquestion7 · 28/07/2021 09:21

After not seeing each other for that long, arranging the weekend, then planning to be busy one of the days, she's sending you a clear message. How hurtful of her but have you replied to question it? I would reply to tell her you will cancel the trip as the whole purpose of it was to spend time with her, see what she says.

WeWantAMackerelNotASprat · 28/07/2021 09:23

My DS is like this, talks about being the world's best aunt but never bothers to see the children. I don't even bother now

Howshouldibehave · 28/07/2021 09:24

Did you ask her for dates when you could come and visit or did she spontaneously ask you to come and stay?

When did you last stay with them/invite them to stay with you?

Namechangeforthisquestion7 · 28/07/2021 09:24

@Weebleweeble

People who don't have DCs - their hobbies come first, or their pets. That's just the case.
This is ignorant and really not true.
PRsecrets · 28/07/2021 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squiglet111 · 28/07/2021 09:26

Op you need to be blunt with her. "I was coming to see you and spend time with you. Not to go places on my own with my children. There is no point in me coming if you have no intention of spending time with us. Enjoy golf"

But maybe I'm pissed off for you! At least just cancel. If you went you'd be going around all day with your kids alone and they by evening will your kids even want to go out for dinner? Past their bedtime? So that might not even happen.

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2021 09:26

Are you still going to go? I wouldn't

squiglet111 · 28/07/2021 09:27

Also... She said maybe have dinner! Be prepared for her to cancel and say they can't do dinner either! That to me is a total brush off.

Perching · 28/07/2021 09:28

I would not go. That is spectacularly rude. I would also phase her out of your daughters’ lives (you say they miss their auntie). Your are just setting them up for disappointment in a relationship that is clearly one-sided.

Heronwatcher · 28/07/2021 09:29

I think like others I would just be honest and say you were coming to see her and see what she says. Could it be that her DH doesn’t want her to come and is giving her a hard time? Not sure but I would definitely be reading between the lines here if you have seen a lot of her in the past.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/07/2021 09:33

People who don't have DCs - their hobbies come first, or their pets. That's just the case.

This is ignorant and really not true.

I agree, it's totally untrue. When I'm on my own at the weekend, sure, my hobbies come first. But I make time at weekends to see family where possible, and when family are visiting I spend the time with them and make sure I get to know any children.

starrynight87 · 28/07/2021 09:34

I wouldn't go, sounds like you've been slotted in.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 28/07/2021 09:38

That’s definitely strange behaviour and I’d feel hurt, OP. Why not say you and DD are looking forward to spending time with her and ask to arrange a weekend when she’s free? If she tries to slither out of that nearer the time, you’ve nothing to lose by being frank and asking her if there’s something wrong.

spinningspaniels · 28/07/2021 09:38

She's either clueless to how rude this is; is so stuck in a routine that she can't break it; or she's worred about spending too much time with you all. Whichever way, it's not nice for you.

I'd cancel, then offer to re-arrange when she's less busy and maybe book into a hotel/ B & B so it's not so intense a visit?

rainbowstardrops · 28/07/2021 09:41

Incredibly rude. I'd message her and say you thought you'd be spending time together but if she's busy with golf then there's no point in coming.

Ifitquacks · 28/07/2021 09:54

‘Ah apologies, didn’t realise you’re busy this weekend. Let’s rearrange for a weekend when you’re free as we’ll be coming to spend time with you’.