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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister doesn't want to spend time with us

207 replies

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:01

My dsis lives about three hours away, we haven't seen her or her husband for at least 28 months due to Covid. She's not brilliant at keeping in touch but I do try to send emails and phone her to stay in contact.

Shed mentioned us going to visit a long time ago. Dh is working a lot of weekends do I said I would bring the kids down on my own and we could go out all together. Dsis emailed yesterday to say that she was looking forward to our visit and hoped we would enjoy whatever we'd planned for the Saturday. She and her husband had chosen to play golf that day but we would maybe have dinner together.

AIBU to think this is a bit off? I am driving down to see them (I'm not a brilliant driver so worry about it!) and we would probably get down there Fri evening then be leaving Sunday midday. She hasn't seen her nieces for 18 months!

OP posts:
JamieFrasersBigSwingingKilt · 28/07/2021 07:25

Are your kids 'spirited' or 'full of energy'?

PumpkinPie2016 · 28/07/2021 07:27

YANBU at all. You had mutually agreed that you would visit on X dates. She was suggesting activities which to me would suggest that you were all going. She did not say 'well, you are welcome but we are playing golf that weekend so how about you do xyz and we can all have dinner together '.

Honestly? I would cancel OP. What's the point of a 6 hour round trip to visit people if they are not actually going to spend time with you.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:28

They are good girls, I'm not just saying that because they are my own. They are good sleepers, polite, will sit and write or draw during the day.

As I said, just upset because it really has been a long time and I felt that it was just one day of golf to give up. We probably won't see them for a long time.

OP posts:
Etsylicious · 28/07/2021 07:31

OP there are some weird responses here. If you haven’t seen family for 18 months and you’ve both arranged a weekend visit it’s really fucking rude of your sis to make other plans.

Like one Saturday in 18 months with her sis and nieces/nephews would kill her.

I’d tell her the truth. ‘We were coming to spend time with you. Let me know if you have a free weekend in future that you’d like to spend with us.’

imjustanerd · 28/07/2021 07:33

I'd be upset about that too op, as if you'd go all that way for any other reason than to see her.
I'd just be really upfront and say something like "well we did come to see you and of course we would want to meet for dinner".

redastherose · 28/07/2021 07:34

Are you sure that it's your sister being awkward and not her husband? Is he controlling and does he make it difficult for her to spend time with her family? I'm just asking because it might be that he has thrown a strop at her.

MattyGroves · 28/07/2021 07:34

@RampantIvy

Just tell her you didn't realise she was busy and will come another time.

I'd be inclined to do this as well.

Ditto.

It's really weird and rude to say "do come and visit... Those dates are great... Look at these things to do in our area.. Oh we might see at some point or maybe not whatever"

It's definitely not the OP communicating badly!

Motnight · 28/07/2021 07:37

Honestly Op it sounds as though your sister just isn't that interested in spending time with you or your kids. And I get that it hurts. You can't make people want to see you or be interested in your life.

Definitely don't feel obliged to visit if you don't want to.

AtlasPine · 28/07/2021 07:40

Unless she unexpectedly got through to the next round of a tournament which was really important to her (in which case she should be apologising and explaining), this is not a nice way to treat you.

I’d cancel and suggest another time - perhaps she could come to you.

alloverthecarpetagain · 28/07/2021 07:43

Is it possible that she and her dh play golf every Saturday during the summer months and he is being arsey about her doing something else?

MissyB1 · 28/07/2021 07:44

Horrendously rude of her! My dsis and her Dh drove 4 hours to see us recently, we cancelled plans that we had and I bought in her favourite treats and planned some activities.
Message her saying “sorry there’s obviously been a mix up, I didn’t realise you were busy that weekend. Shall we rearrange for when you are free to spend time with us?”

TheBaddie · 28/07/2021 07:44

I once drove across country to see my sister and she barely spent any time with us. It is hurtful. I have accepted that fact she just isn't that interested in us and hardly ever see her now. It's sad but it is what it is. I probably wouldn't go if i were you OP, and I'd be honest with her about why.

Standrewsschool · 28/07/2021 07:44

That’s a bit off to go and play golf when you have visitors. If they were busy, they should have picked another date.

Weebleweeble · 28/07/2021 07:45

People who don't have DCs - their hobbies come first, or their pets. That's just the case.

MsVestibule · 28/07/2021 07:45

I'd definitely cancel. You can be polite about it, but make sure she knows why you're cancelling.

Would a phone call he better? Sometimes this type of thing needs a proper conversation to find out what the issue is.

Maggiesfarm · 28/07/2021 07:45

She's not going to be playing golf all day, surely.

artquejtion · 28/07/2021 07:46

That is tough, I would postpone it !

If they are die hard golfers, than nothing gets in the way of a round of golf or a golf competition, so its maybe nothing personal.

rookiemere · 28/07/2021 07:46

Yes it's very rude, I'm surprised at people saying it's not. I'd cancel and not make any moves to reschedule, it's obviously not a priority for her to see you or her DNieces so don't be wasting your time.

Whinge · 28/07/2021 07:47

@Weebleweeble

People who don't have DCs - their hobbies come first, or their pets. That's just the case.
Hmm

Very rude of you to speak for all those who don't have children. I don't have children of my own and family definitely comes first.

Jent13c · 28/07/2021 07:47

I agree to cancel and leave the ball in her court. My kids uncle is a total disappointment too. He's into game consoles and lego and watches all the Disney films and starwars and harry potter but when DS (4) is round visiting he acts like its the biggest effort in the world to play lego with him or talk about one of the films. Its sad because DS
thinks he is the most amazing person in the entire world.

Before we had kids and visited my neice my DH would have been on the floor for hours having tea parties and playing with all her dollies even though he is NOT a kid person. I get that kids are annoying but if you are talking about a rare visit you could at least pretend to enjoy your neice or nephews company.

I honestly think they have made it pretty clear by booking a round of golf that they are not interested in spending time with your DD. I wouldn't be driving hundreds of miles go see them.

princesslarmadrama · 28/07/2021 07:47

I would rearrange for a weekend when she will be free and not playing golf. I think it's rude of her to make plans they don't include her guests especially when it's family!

rainbowrescue · 28/07/2021 07:47

Very, very rude if your sister. Just reply and be honest as other posters have suggested, we wanted to see you, let me know when you're free. Just matter of fact and nothing that could get you accused of being seen as snarky.

Then back off for a bit and leave the ball in her court.

Some people are so odd.

MissyB1 · 28/07/2021 07:48

@Maggiesfarm

She's not going to be playing golf all day, surely.
Actually it does take all day- Dh used to play.
SpacePug · 28/07/2021 07:50

I would also write back "oh I didn't realise you had plans that weekend, maybe it's best if we re arrange then?"
To make it known you kind of expect her to hang out with you when you go through the effort of traveling down to see her

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:50

I get the impression that bil likes dsis to spend time with his family, hes never made any effort with us (dsis came alone to my dcs christening). He gets a bit jealous if her attention is elsewhere. Having said that she seems happy and doesn't make much of an effort to speak to us (never calls, one line emails)

OP posts: