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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister doesn't want to spend time with us

207 replies

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:01

My dsis lives about three hours away, we haven't seen her or her husband for at least 28 months due to Covid. She's not brilliant at keeping in touch but I do try to send emails and phone her to stay in contact.

Shed mentioned us going to visit a long time ago. Dh is working a lot of weekends do I said I would bring the kids down on my own and we could go out all together. Dsis emailed yesterday to say that she was looking forward to our visit and hoped we would enjoy whatever we'd planned for the Saturday. She and her husband had chosen to play golf that day but we would maybe have dinner together.

AIBU to think this is a bit off? I am driving down to see them (I'm not a brilliant driver so worry about it!) and we would probably get down there Fri evening then be leaving Sunday midday. She hasn't seen her nieces for 18 months!

OP posts:
StormyTeacups · 28/07/2021 07:51

Yes, that's a very clearly worded signal. I would just respond that you're happy to wait for a weekend that she is free, as you were visiting to see her. Put it back in her court. I get that it sucks.

maddy68 · 28/07/2021 07:52

This needs more context. She could be in a competition that's she's qualified for or needs to attend in order to qualify etc. Golf is one of those sports.

Did you set on the date before booking it?

Yes she isn't as interested in your kids as you would hope. But that's ok.

DGFB · 28/07/2021 07:52

Yanbu, her behaviour is appalling!

LockdownLisa · 28/07/2021 07:52

@Weebleweeble

People who don't have DCs - their hobbies come first, or their pets. That's just the case.
I spent most of my adult life without children and I would never have been so rude as to prioritise hobbies and pets over visiting family or friends! Just because they can be (perfectly justifiably) selfish with their time most of the time, it doesn't mean they can all of the time.
pumpkinpie01 · 28/07/2021 07:52

Very rude of her , I would definitely cancel and leave it to her to rearrange . You having seen her for ages she should be planning a fun day out for you all, very rude

NothingIsWrong · 28/07/2021 07:52

I wonder if this is a BIL thing. That he's said he doesn't want to see you and is controlling your sister?

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:53

The date was agreed, there's no tournament and I think the golf is an excuse for them to not spend time with us.

OP posts:
Sacreblue · 28/07/2021 07:54

Having family over can be really stressful, look at Christmas when arguments are often rife because folks who don’t usually spend that long a time in close quarters start getting on each others nerves. Add in high expectations of happy family time and it can make spending one single whole day together a shitshow by the evening.

Your family will be tired after a long drive on Friday, they might be tired from preparing for your visit, and there will be lots of excitement about seeing each other, and expectations of a happy family reunion.

Having a break from each other on Saturday daytime will give your family time to settle down and explore the area, do something fun as your own unit, and (possibly) tire the kids out a little before reuniting back at your sisters for the evening.

Golfing also is giving your sis a bit of headspace in the middle of the visit, wide open spaces on the course to counter her home being full.

And it might be that kids, even well behaved and/or interesting ones, can be exhausting to be around, even for family, even if you had kids of your own even our own sometimes

Going and expecting to spend all day every day with them might not offer the same option of breathing space and tensions could flare.

Personally a little breaker in the middle sounds a good idea to me, it stops either family being overwhelmed and gives you all more topics to discuss so conversation will flow easily without straying into too personal, sensitive, or old areas of strife.

And if she sees her other DN’s more often then she is more familiar with how they are than yours so knows what to expect/has an established regular contact with them.

For example my DC is close in age to a cousin, I looked after cousin & his brother, result is I & my DC are closer to these cousins than my other DNs & spending time even now years later is just easier than the younger DNs - even though they’re lovely too & I love as family, it just isn’t the same.

If your DC miss auntie then accept the breaker on Saturday and see this weekend as a beginning, building up that relationship between DC & Aunt, so that in future there will be that easier rapport similar to with her other DNs (and bear in mind it might never be the ‘same’ but that’s no one’s fault necessarily)

Pause for thought before throwing the head up & canceling @Jennybeans401 in the long run everyone might benefit from slow, steady relationship building which will last rather than shoving you all together, forced activities and a big row when expectations are not met.

GreenClock · 28/07/2021 07:54

Very strange behaviour when you’re only there for a couple of days.

Unless the husband is a domineering type who has put his foot down about the golf, I’d be assuming that she is indifferent to the visit tbh OP. Sorry.

There are lots of threads on here from people who no longer feel obliged to make/have “duty visits” when they don’t really want to. The pandemic has changed things and people are choosing more carefully/selfishly how they spend their time. It’s a shame she wasn’t more candid but you should probably take the hint rather than drive all that way.

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:54

I'm not sure hes that controlling, I feel like before bil came along our relationship wasn't brilliant. I slways thought she'd care about my dcs though

OP posts:
speakout · 28/07/2021 07:56

Did she actually invite you OP- or did you say- " I am coming to visit- when should I come?
Also how old are your children?

Saidtoomuch · 28/07/2021 07:56

This response is pure bonkers:
I think you are labouring under the delusion that your kids must be interesting to everyone else. It sounds like she doesn’t (can’t?) have kids and you’re constantly updating her on yours and expecting her to marvel at them too.
Did she agree to go out with you and the kids or did you tell her you would be coming and that you would be going out together?

She is rude. You aren't going just to use her place s a base for a mini break, you are going to see her. I would tell her this and probably not bother going.

JustcameoutGC · 28/07/2021 07:56

I had my family gather here a few weeks ago, they were here for nearly a week. The entire week was about being together. Not all together all the time, but spending time together just hanging out. No way I would have tootered off for the day to play golf. She is being vv rude.

LighthouseBrighthouse · 28/07/2021 07:57

It’s definitely a way to make someone feel unwelcome. I’d be very hurt by this and not go. See if she wants to rearrange for when she isn’t busy.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 28/07/2021 07:57

Just cancel and ask her when she's actually free (you probably won't get an answer).

My brother doesn't have kids yet but it would be my worst nightmare having him and them visit. 18mths not seeing him or them wouldn't be a hardship at all. There's no issue between us, I just don't feel the need to see him. Maybe your sister feels the same.
My brother and his fiancé pester me to have my daughter over regularly and it puzzles me - I don't understand why as if it was the other way round I'd be avoiding that like the plague!

It's definitely rude to 'be busy' when you've agreed to go over. There's something going on that you ought to discuss with her - she either doesn't like spending time with you, or doesn't want your kids around. Did you used to do a lot with her before the kids? If so, she might be resentful that the relationship has changed.

MattyGroves · 28/07/2021 07:58

@sacreblue - they are only there for a day and a half. Taking all of the day as a break is basically leaving more break than time together! Particularly with young children who go to bed early. What is the point?!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/07/2021 07:58

I would cancel, using the "didn't realise you were busy this weekend" line, and I would not reschedule. I would still keep in touch etc, but I wouldn't be traveling 3 hours to see someone who is carefully planning to minimise the time they spend with me.

unsureofneighbour · 28/07/2021 07:59

I email maybe once or twice a month.

You are not close. Don't be hurt by this, it's just how things are.

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:59

She has invited us, a month ago she sent a list of places we could go to with the dcs in the local area. Maybe she meant that I should do this on my own with them. I mistakenly assumed that due to not seeing each other for nearly 2 years that she'd want to spend time with the dcs.

OP posts:
CakeandGo · 28/07/2021 07:59

Reply and ask her what she thinks you are going to do all day?

Wait for her reply. Then decide what to do.

Whinge · 28/07/2021 08:01

Personally a little breaker in the middle sounds a good idea to me.

If her sister and BIL are out all day on Saturday, that's not a little breaker it's the majority of their visit. They haven't seen each other for 18 months, I really don't think there's any need for a break for what is essentially one full day of family visiting.

CakeandGo · 28/07/2021 08:01

@Jennybeans401

She has invited us, a month ago she sent a list of places we could go to with the dcs in the local area. Maybe she meant that I should do this on my own with them. I mistakenly assumed that due to not seeing each other for nearly 2 years that she'd want to spend time with the dcs.
Are you sure this isn’t a misunderstanding? Did she think you would all do golf together?
Porcupineintherough · 28/07/2021 08:01

I'd cancel too OP. Too far to go for so little.

Roselilly36 · 28/07/2021 08:02

I think that is off too OP. Why would you have family to stay and then go out? Weird. I suggest a weekend when they didn’t have plans, as you and the kids are looking forward to spending time with them etc and see what happens. Good luck.

Elys3 · 28/07/2021 08:05

She doesn’t want to see you during the daytime, or for too long. She hasn’t said not at all, but on the face of it, it appears rude. Talk to her if you can. Could she be undergoing medical treatment that she doesn’t feel comfortable disclosing? Is she worried about something like COVID as children are not vaccinated? It might just be that she’s happy to see you all for just a short time.

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