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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister doesn't want to spend time with us

207 replies

Jennybeans401 · 28/07/2021 07:01

My dsis lives about three hours away, we haven't seen her or her husband for at least 28 months due to Covid. She's not brilliant at keeping in touch but I do try to send emails and phone her to stay in contact.

Shed mentioned us going to visit a long time ago. Dh is working a lot of weekends do I said I would bring the kids down on my own and we could go out all together. Dsis emailed yesterday to say that she was looking forward to our visit and hoped we would enjoy whatever we'd planned for the Saturday. She and her husband had chosen to play golf that day but we would maybe have dinner together.

AIBU to think this is a bit off? I am driving down to see them (I'm not a brilliant driver so worry about it!) and we would probably get down there Fri evening then be leaving Sunday midday. She hasn't seen her nieces for 18 months!

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 28/07/2021 10:00

"Didn't realise you were busy, I'm not driving for 3 hours if you aren't free! We want to see you! Let me know when would be good."

Would be my response. She's rude.

Twoforthree · 28/07/2021 10:07

@GabriellaMontez

"Didn't realise you were busy, I'm not driving for 3 hours if you aren't free! We want to see you! Let me know when would be good."

Would be my response. She's rude.

Yup, say let me know when you have a whole weekend free, to make the journey worthwhile.
Snuggleworm · 28/07/2021 10:09

I think she is being quite rude TBH. We are older and have 1 teenager but my younger brother and his partner and 4 year old are staying with us at the moment and I would never arrange something else for the week he is here. We have not seen them since Feb 2020 as we live in Irelend and they are in the UK and we missed them so much.
Yes having a 4 year old is a bit different as our house is very quiet usually and he has lots of enery :) and yes the doggies have to be put out of their house and routine but I would never ever arrange to have my family stay and then go off and do something else.
I would cancel if I were you and maybe ask her to come stay with you. Big hugs though, that must not be a nice feeling for you and your little girls.

namechange5575 · 28/07/2021 10:10

'We're coming to see you - do you not want to see us? Should we rearrange for another time?'

MerryMarigold · 28/07/2021 10:22

Perhaps BIL doesn't really want to see the girls (he perhaps makes extra effort for his own nieces but can't be bothered to push it out for yours). My BIL doesn't much like being around kids so I very often see my sister without him around. Perhaps she arranged this without speaking to him and then he kicked off so this is her 'compromise'. I wouldn't focus on it being about seeing them both, but about seeing her.

"Hi Sis. Sorry, miscommunication! I didn't realise you would be busy on the Sat and we're only really making the journey to spend time with you, so let's arrange another date when you're free. Let me know when would be good for you. The girls go back to school on ..... and we are away .... but apart from that I could do anytime."

If she doesn't apologise and suggest some other dates then you know where you stand.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/07/2021 10:23

@BluebellsGreenbells

Does she I’ve in a holiday destination by any chance?

It gets really dull having visitors expecting your guides when we’ve done it all more than 10 times!!

You don’t normally go on holiday and expect the host to show you round.

I’d be delighted to just meet up for dinner/tea/breakfast

I live in a holiday destination. We still spend time with family when they visit, because I assume they are mainly coming to spend time with us, not go on holiday!

I can do my own thing any time, but I don't get to spend time with family often. The fact that this is a holiday destination means that finding nice things to do with visiting children is easy, and they have a great time when they're here. It'd be pretty miserable to just shove them out of the door and go about my normal day!

TupilaLilium · 28/07/2021 10:28

My ILs are like this.

They once flew from CA to UK after first baby was born and spent the entire trip in their rented cabin playing cards. Another time they visited us when a third baby was born in a mutually convenient holiday location and they spent literally one hour a day with us, and the rest in their rented condo. They are nice people, but their quiet routine is the most important thing to them. When we visit them, it seems they wish to see us for an hour and then be on their way.

The kids and I haven't seen them in 6 years now. DH goes on his own every few years. It is sad in principle, but not in reality. My kids don't really care if they miss the one hour a year where their grandparents are interested. The grandparents don't seem to really care either.

Wheresthebeach · 28/07/2021 10:29

Well it's an odd way to behave. I'd cancel and suggest rearranging for when they've a free weekend but leave it to them to come back to you. I'd also cut down on the monthly emails.

Crowsaregreat · 28/07/2021 10:32

On the face of it she's rude, but I'd call for a chat and gently enquire eg 'I'm a bit confused about the golf - is having us for a whole weekend a bit much' etc to suss out what's going on.

We've been through a pandemic, anxiety and depression are very common and we've all forgotten how to behave in social situations. Most of the time, people are not trying to deliberately snub you but if you assume she is, you could damage the relationship further without really needing to.

Maddamn · 28/07/2021 10:33

I kind of have this with my sis

I get all the “oh the dc miss (my) ds” all the time

We barely see them. For good reasons actually so it’s a complete pile of manipulative bollocks as far as I can see.

They have visited a couple of times, I’ve had them to stay once. After the stay I swore never ever again. Meeting somewhere neutral maybe, but I’m just not at all interested in any of them tbh.

The kids are dreadfully behaved, the parents are hopeless and all in all they’re pretty poor guests

Wouldn’t mind but they stay with people all the time, so you would think they’d know how to behave

I can only guess that they get tolerated because their friends kids are the same or have no kids so just think this is normal.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 28/07/2021 10:34

Just tell her you and the kids are disappointed as you had anticipated doing these activities together - maybe you can reschedule a more convenient day which doesn’t clash with her golf?

Whinge · 28/07/2021 10:37

@Maddamn

I kind of have this with my sis

I get all the “oh the dc miss (my) ds” all the time

We barely see them. For good reasons actually so it’s a complete pile of manipulative bollocks as far as I can see.

They have visited a couple of times, I’ve had them to stay once. After the stay I swore never ever again. Meeting somewhere neutral maybe, but I’m just not at all interested in any of them tbh.

The kids are dreadfully behaved, the parents are hopeless and all in all they’re pretty poor guests

Wouldn’t mind but they stay with people all the time, so you would think they’d know how to behave

I can only guess that they get tolerated because their friends kids are the same or have no kids so just think this is normal.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but I can't see how it relates to the OPs experience at all. Unless you're implying her children are badly behaved and she's a manipulative person / terrible guest? Confused
MzHz · 28/07/2021 10:38

^you see this kind of narrative has my manipulation spidey senses twitching

We’re often telling each other to set boundaries etc and when we do out comes the kids will be soooo Disappointed card.

The reply “oh hadn’t realised you’re busy, let me know when you’re free a s we’ll rearrange” is the best, but then leave it

Maddamn · 28/07/2021 10:40

Whinge, she absolutely might be.

I’m sure dsis thinks she’s a marvellous guest. I know she thinks her kids are absolute perfection

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 10:41

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. Why would anyone go visit someone if they aren't going to spend time with the person you are visiting? Just because your sister is being rude and weird doesn't mean you can change her or make her want to see you and your kids though. You can't control how she thinks or behave.

You can have your own boundaries though. I would say 'Hi. Of course we don't have anything planned for the Saturday as it isn't usually the done thing to visit someone and not intend to spend time with them. So I shall take the hint and presume you don't want to see us this time. I will save us the journey in that case! Hope you enjoy your golf. Take care and if you do want to spend time together in the future just let me know and we would love to make proper plans with you, but I'll leave the ball in your court for letting us know if its what you want.'

I don't think that leaves anything to the imagination, its firm but non confrontational and you will know where you stand.

Meraas · 28/07/2021 10:51

I would just respond that we were only coming down to spend time with you, but no bother if you're busy, let us know when you have a free day and we can re-arrange for then.

And then leave the ball in her court. Don't run around after her.

Knittedfairies · 28/07/2021 11:19

Yes; postpone.

spotcheck · 28/07/2021 11:25

OP
You say your relationship with your sister wasn't great before?
Are you hoping to build the relationship? If so, perhaps a short visit is the way to go?

theemmadilemma · 28/07/2021 11:49

Maybe the times with the other nieces/nephews was enough for her to figure out she doesn't enjoy the company of children like that.

Herecomesthesun70 · 28/07/2021 12:01

I would cancel. It's very rude of her to clear off out when your visiting. I would just say as you're busy we won't be coming down. Then don't bother again.

Fernando072020 · 28/07/2021 12:12

I would directly ask why she has made plans for the day you're coming down and why you aren't doing something together. Then I'd cancel because I'd rather find something to do at home on the Saturday than drive 3 hours to do something

SVRT19674 · 28/07/2021 12:31

OP, I would cancel. I think she is telling you loud and clear. I have had family to stay and we have stayed with family and had a great time. My aunt´s husband would sometimes go off and do his own thing and be back for dinner with all of us, that was fine for everyone. But no one went off a whole day of a 1.5 day visit, no one. One thing I have learnt is that you cannot change people, and you just have to put distance and accept it as it is. I´m sorry you are feeling hurt, and I can see why.

Notagain20 · 28/07/2021 12:32

@Jennybeans401

She has invited us, a month ago she sent a list of places we could go to with the dcs in the local area. Maybe she meant that I should do this on my own with them. I mistakenly assumed that due to not seeing each other for nearly 2 years that she'd want to spend time with the dcs.
I'm afraid it seems like she probably did send the list as places you could go with the kids, not her. It's a shame if you wanted to build the relationship but it doesn't sound like she wants to. Some people just aren't particularly family oriented. If she's not very communicative most of the time it's likely that's just the level of contact she's happier with. Sorry OP, I understand you are disappointed.
MzHz · 28/07/2021 12:42

Looking at this The other way, there’s no winning is there?

If @Jennybeans401 was invited to spend weekend at dsis, then booked things to do with her kids and didn’t invite the person hosting, that’s rude too.

I don’t think dsis wants to spend time all together with the kids and by the sounds of it, you’re not as close as sisters as perhaps you care to admit

The one line responses on emails is a bit cold

You say she’s always been like this? Before kids? Then it’s unlikely to be you/your kids

I think the reason you’re hurt is that she’s not behaving any differently to how she’s always been, you keep hoping she will be different and you’re disappointed every time.

It’s shit when someone’s not into you, but just stop expecting her to be any different and try to tell yourself that it’s nothing personal. Just cancel and did something else to do with your kids that’s fun for you all.

unlikelytobe · 28/07/2021 13:10

Cancel or postpone but be clear as to why - good suggestions above about how to word that but is it too direct to actually have a phone conversation about it?

When she suggested activities for you she was hinting 'here's what you can go and do with the kids without me' and you, understandably took it to mean things you'd all do together. Did you ever discuss with her what you'd be doing?

Avoiding someone by playing a full day of golf is extreme. Could she find it too full on having to host/entertain/interact for very long? You know her best but it's not clear whether you were ever close, your different lifestyles, ages and personalities etc