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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not give DD a lift to work

192 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 19:53

16 year old DD finished school at the end of May and wanted to get herself a job for the summer. DH and I made her a CV, emailed it around and we she got a job as a waitress in a restaurant on the coast.

Now this restaurant is only about 5 miles away but as it is literally on the beach the roads are narrow (anyone who has been to Cornwall will understand) and the bus service is practically non existent. Because of this DH and I have been dropping and picking her up for every shift. DH is wfh so is taking time out and using his lunch break to take her and i pick her up on the way home from my job which adds on an extra 30 mins for me. It is actually quite a faff but I told her we were happy to do this short term.

To avoid drip feeding her biological father has taken her once or twice but 9 out of 10 times will say no if she asks for a lift because he's busy or working.

We talked about getting a more convenient job so she applied to the local Tesco and was offered a job. This is walking distance for her. She has turned down the job because she thinks she won't enjoy it as much. I told her I was a bit upset she doesn't appreciate all the running around we do for her and her response was " well it's my job so I can choose what I do". She has never once thanked either of us for taking her or picking her up.

Wibu to tell her if she wants to work that far away from home then she can sort herself out for getting there and back? She told me she was happy to get the bus so off she went. I don't think she realises how much the bus fayre here is! I can't work out if I'm being too harsh on a 16 year old or should it be a lesson she needs to learn?

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 26/07/2021 19:55

I’d be really annoyed she didn’t take the Tesco job!

No more lifts for her. She doesn’t appreciate it.

frazzledasarock · 26/07/2021 19:56

Well if she’s fine taking the bus let her.

Sounds like you’ve pretty much done everything bar the job for her this far. Step back and let her take responsibility for her life choices.

Maybe she can organise a lift with a colleague or something.

CassandraTrotter · 26/07/2021 19:58

Let her get the bus. Having a job is supposed to help you become more independent, yet your dd has managed to make getting and keeping a job be totally dependent on you.

Tothemoonandbackx · 26/07/2021 19:58

You already explained you'd only be doing it short term, so I don't think you'd be unreasonable to stop giving her lifts, she'll soon learn that she should have appreciated you going out of your way to help, it's a life lesson really, we all have to make our own way at some point x

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 19:58

Thank you! I knew I wasn't being unreasonable but always good to make sure.

I've told her she is to sort herself out if that's her choice and I will stick to my word. She is usually very independent and mature so she will be fine.

OP posts:
Spanglebangle · 26/07/2021 20:02

She'll reapply to Tesco when she realises she has to work for 2 or 3 hours to pay to get too and from work.

A good lesson in the value of money I'd say.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/07/2021 20:02

has she got a bike?

ghostyslovesheets · 26/07/2021 20:02

I feel your pain - I have 2 working PT in retail - one usually does 3-8/4-8 the other 2-10 - I spend most of my time in the car ferrying them around - their dad refused for months because of Covid and now reluctantly does it if begged (separated) . If I ask them to get a taxi they just say 'oh I'll walk' knowing I wont want them walking home late - it's very frustrating! I'd also be mad she didn;t take the Tesco job.

SoddingWeddings · 26/07/2021 20:04

Get her kitted out with a cheap 50cc moped or similar, lots of kids in Cornwall grew up with them as the only means of transport for rural roads etc. www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/347941610116015/?ref=facebook_story_share for example. Gives her independence, responsibility and easy to get her set up.

MaMelon · 26/07/2021 20:06

You’ve done the right thing OP Smile

girlmom21 · 26/07/2021 20:08

I think you're being a bit mean. You should be chuffed she wants to work.

How much is the bus because I went to Cornwall the other week and was amazed by how cheap it was?!

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 20:11

What's even more annoying is the Tesco job pays almost £5 more an hour than her current waitressing job. I honestly don't know what is wrong with her, I'd have bitten Tesco's arm off at her age!

She said she knows she wouldn't enjoy it. I admit i did accuse her of being inconsiderate when DH and I both work full time.

She has asked her dad to pick her up this evening and surprisingly he has agreed. It will only be because she has complained about how unfair I am and he will use the opportunity to get one over on me but that's another story.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2021 20:14

I do think when you choose to live somewhere with shit public transport you accept that your teens will need lifts.

You want a place you enjoy, with puts a burden on her.

She wants a job she'll enjoy, which puts a burden on you.

However the lack of thanks would piss me off.

BrutusMcDogface · 26/07/2021 20:15

Time for tough love, for sure. She should have taken the Tesco job.

pommepommefrites · 26/07/2021 20:16

She fancies someone at the restaurant

frazzledasarock · 26/07/2021 20:17

Ah I’d let him get ‘one over’ on you, he won’t be doing it regularly.

Does she like the people she works with particularly, does she have a boyfriend working near the restaurant might explain why she’s clinging to the waitressing job?

bellabasset · 26/07/2021 20:19

I know exactly what you mean, a similar ex

frazzledasarock · 26/07/2021 20:19

My DH grew up in rural Kent, he would ride his bike everywhere to jobs etc till he got his own license.
His parents both worked full time and didn’t have the time or inclination to ferry him around everywhere.

He still enjoys going for bike rides!

Bargebill19 · 26/07/2021 20:22

I’m going to go against the tide here. She is sixteen. Only 16. It’s her first job and only for the summer. Yes on paper the Tesco’s job seems a no brainer. But she’s young, having fun and enjoying herself. Maybe she has an interest in going into the hospitality industry or catering.
She has a long working life ahead of where she may have to take the horrible job just for the money. For the sake of a few weeks let it go and let her enjoy the world of work for these few weeks.

Cattitudes · 26/07/2021 20:24

he will use the opportunity to get one over on me but that's another story.

Tell him that you are trying to foster her independence and it would be better if he lets her sort her own transport then she will probably be sorted for lifts from him for the rest of the season.

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 20:24

She has a boyfriend but he doesn't work at the restaurant. She does however like the other members of staff. I've never worked in hospitality before but DH has and he says the best thing about it was the camaraderie. She says she is settled there now and has friends which I understand.

She only thinks she will hate the Tesco job because she has only ever worked at the restaurant. And also the job was to be working in the dot com dept and she tells me she much prefers to be customer facing.

I've lived here my whole life and as a teen would never have applied for jobs on the beach as my parents wouldn't have entertained the idea of taking me to work. So she has been lucky DH and I have both ferried her round without any hesitation. So yeah a bit of appreciation from her would be nice but I don't think I will get it til she learns we are not to be taken advantage of!

OP posts:
breakfasty · 26/07/2021 20:24

YANBU but if she's happy to get there and back on the bus I'd let her. Or if you do feel like offering her a lift one day charge her the bus fare. Is she interested in hospitality jobs in the future? Perhaps she is thinking ahead.

AnyOldLion · 26/07/2021 20:26

Can't she get a little moped or ebike?

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 20:27

And no she has no plans to work in hospitality in the future. This is purely for money during the summer.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2021 20:29

She has a nice job, with friends, no rent to pay and she loves it.

I don't think 16 is the age to learn that you live to work, money is everything and jobs shouldn't be fun Sad

Some kind of compromise might be good.

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