To not give DD a lift to work

[ShrekandDonkey]

16 year old DD finished school at the end of May and wanted to get herself a job for the summer. DH and I made her a CV, emailed it around and we she got a job as a waitress in a restaurant on the coast.

Now this restaurant is only about 5 miles away but as it is literally on the beach the roads are narrow (anyone who has been to Cornwall will understand) and the bus service is practically non existent. Because of this DH and I have been dropping and picking her up for every shift. DH is wfh so is taking time out and using his lunch break to take her and i pick her up on the way home from my job which adds on an extra 30 mins for me. It is actually quite a faff but I told her we were happy to do this short term.

To avoid drip feeding her biological father has taken her once or twice but 9 out of 10 times will say no if she asks for a lift because he's busy or working.

We talked about getting a more convenient job so she applied to the local Tesco and was offered a job. This is walking distance for her. She has turned down the job because she thinks she won't enjoy it as much. I told her I was a bit upset she doesn't appreciate all the running around we do for her and her response was " well it's my job so I can choose what I do". She has never once thanked either of us for taking her or picking her up.

Wibu to tell her if she wants to work that far away from home then she can sort herself out for getting there and back? She told me she was happy to get the bus so off she went. I don't think she realises how much the bus fayre here is! I can't work out if I'm being too harsh on a 16 year old or should it be a lesson she needs to learn?

in that situation I'd expect mine to get public transport whenever possible. So yabu by not making her take the bus for most journeys before now. My deal is I will pick them up when public transport literally isn't running that late, maybe if the weather too awful to cycle, or public transport is quite awkward.

19yo DD is being very nice tonight in how she asks me to pick her up at 1130 pm, 9 miles away, so she can get home earlier & not wait for midnight train. She's lucky I'm an insomniac anyway.

Let her decide what job to work, however as she is ungrateful of the previous lifts she has had then explain that she has to sort herself out with public transport or lifts from work colleagues.

I think you’re being a bit mean. I grew up in Cornwall and no buses at all EVER lol and so my mum and dad ran me to where I could get a job and where I enjoyed/good hours etc. It’s only for the summer surely and even if it isn’t, the hours will be less in the winter plus roads quieter.

I certainly wouldn’t have thought to thank my mum and dad every time they drove me to work although did for the cinema, disco etc. I now really appreciate what they did and continually tell my kids that etc but it’s not something you truly appreciate until you get older.

As a midway point, could she get the bus sometimes and a lift sometimes. At least she’s interested in working which is more than some are.

Surely when you moved somewhere without a bus service with children you thought about this?

The journey to and from work should be considered first for anybody applying for a job

@Waxonwaxoff0
I was a bit more on the wild side than my own dc, but on the occasions I went home from a traditional club at 2am, my only local friends parents or brother would pick us up. The alternative at the time was 20 minutes of unlit country lanes with no way of knowing if the driver was even registered.
Now, with unregistered taxis being easier to avoid, we are ok with dc getting a taxi if they're not alone, but certainly when dsd was first old enough for clubs she didn't have any drinking age peers nearby, so unless she had a friend staying or stayed out it was the only option. I suppose it's just a natural follow on to collecting them from parties in their mid teens. There's also the expense, for us it's just part of the budget of a night out, for others it's the difference between being able to afford a night out at all.
(We're also far from over protective parents, most of the things we've allowed or even encouraged our dc to do would have the average mnetter clutching their pearls, but we draw the line at a drunken teenage girl getting in a car alone with a stranger and driving down miles of country lanes)

@MrsTerryPratchett

OK I'm just floating this as an idea, not accusing you of it so don't think that...

You sound annoyed and unhappy (and a bit angry). Some people find it difficult to encourage and support joy in other people when they feel that way. Misery loves company. Is it possible that forcing her to give up something she likes for something practical appeals to you because you have to do practical things all the time and you're miserable?

Omg I really get where you are coming from with this. And massively identify with it in some relatives.

Obviously can't say if this is the case with op. But it's totally a thing.

Thanks for saying this it's actually really a bit of a light bulb moment regarding some behaviour.

Can she cycle? It’s only 5miles

I agreed to it initially because the big companies wouldn't take her til she was of official school leaving age. Which when we looked was the last Friday in June. She got the job at the restaurant during Easter. We agreed it would be short term.

@Cattitudes

he will use the opportunity to get one over on me but that's another story.

Tell him that you are trying to foster her independence and it would be better if he lets her sort her own transport then she will probably be sorted for lifts from him for the rest of the season.

@Cattitudes you are an evil genius!

Shes only 16, I think you both should still offer her lifts. Why should she take a job that she may not enjoy. Especially as shes in one she likes.

Plus she could only apply for jobs that were advertised at the time.

I think you're being mean. Giving lifts to teens is part and parcel of having them. I grew up very rurally and my parents ferried me to my part time job twice a week, and I wouldnt have thought to thank them at the time, as a previous poster said. It was just what parents did. I'm incredibly grateful now, but at the time I was sixteen and rather self centred, as most sixteen year old tend to be. Cut her a bit of slack.

@essentialhealing

The journey to and from work should be considered first for anybody applying for a job

What a ridiculous statement.

Surely OP it's a good thing that her firsr experience of work is a positive one? She's working, earning money, enjoying it, why would you want to disrupt it?

Yes it's a little inconvenient but having children comes with inconveniences, surely. If you live somewhere with limited public transport presumably you expected to spend much of teenage years providing lifts to places? This is for work not even just to see friends/ do fun activities, so it seems a bit churlish to refuse or demand she gets a job that is more convenient for you. She's only 16.

I see your point but I think she’s probably thinking ‘why is what I’m doing not good enough?’ She got a job and as far as she’s concerned you’re OK with giving her lifts when you can. Then suddenly you’re saying she should take the other job and if she doesn’t you won’t help her any more. As for the cockiness, she’s 16 most teenagers think they know everything about everything.

I was your DD almost 20 years ago my mum didn't want me getting the bus home from a late shift/in winter (I worked in the city and we lived in the suburbs but it was a safe route!)

I as a 16yo had zero appreciation of the effort it took however when she had enough and tried to get me a transfer to a closer branch I refused as I loved my colleagues and was happy to get the bus. Partly it was me thinking "I'll show her!" but I actually was happy to sort it myself and it taught me good lessons about getting myaelf out on time for the bus or waiting in the rain for next one, not spending my fare or letting my bus pass expire etc.

If she's happy to catch the bus she's happy. Let her do it.

Does she only work sorta middle of the day. Not to sure openings or closings would be easy on a bus. That would be my only concern.

Having been a hospitality manager I can tell you the young waitresses build lovely friendships and they learn team work and helping eachother out. It's lovely to watch them grow in confidence and understanding of team work.

@ShrekandDonkey

And I've told her several times how proud I am of her. She has made getting a job look very easy so far tbh.

It was probably more the cocky attitude of well I will get the bus so I don't need you anyway. We also take her friend who has just started working there too, again that was just expected of us (DD told her friend we would before even asking us).

She made getting a job easy?

You said in your first post YOU did her CV and emailed it round for her.

Sounds like you've made getting a job easy for her... now she's getting ferried around. Not sure she's learning as much she could from the situation tbh

I forgot to add I do have 2 other DC who also require ferrying around for various clubs etc. It's not like I'm sat at home making DD get the bus when I could easily take her. I do have a full time job too!

@ShrekandDonkey

I forgot to add I do have 2 other DC who also require ferrying around for various clubs etc. It's not like I'm sat at home making DD get the bus when I could easily take her. I do have a full time job too!

But that's part of choosing to live in an area with poor public transport and several kids, surely? If you're happy to give the others lifts to fun stuff why is there an issue about giving her lifts for work?

You say she wanted to 'get herself a job'. She didn't though did she? You got it for her. I think you may be now reaping the consequences of that.

You need to explain that the lifts aren't working, apologise for encouraging her into a job in an unsuitable location and then give her a reasonable timescale in which to find a new job (at which point the lifts will stop).

I do sort of see where OP is coming from. If you live in Cornwall and you are looking for work the journey to get there will likely determine what job you choose as you need to factor in cost travelling long distances, time to get there allowing for tractors and holiday traffic and if it is on a public transport route if you don't drive.

However 16 is young to have to factor all this into your life just yet and I think where you have the above issues with finding work it is not uncommon to be driven to work by parents as long as the young person is grateful for them doing so.

I am not sure if the OP knows this if her DD is still happy to take the bus she can buy a batch of bus tickets which works out at £5 a day or £2.5 if you are only travelling locally. The issue would be whether the buses are running at the time her DD starts and finishes her shifts.

I live in a village in Cornwall near the former Strawbridge farmhouse, an easy cycle ride to the beach, near the mainline rail station but 4 or 5 miles from Fowey by bus. There's a family friendly pub on the nearby beach, but far more trendy restaurants in Fowey. Definitely not a safe cycle route on unlit twisted roads.

I know from local teens that they would prefer the jobs in Fowey to the pub, and they get tips. So I'd let her arrange her travel. All of us have suffered with the pandemic so I think I'd be pleased she's doing a job she likes. I'm of the generation where we could do part-time jobs at 14 and dps helped us find jobs whilst we were at school.

I've already said I don't live rurally. There are buses from my town every 10 mins in any direction. Its the fact the restaurant is rural so she needs to catch another bus, which comes once every hour.

DD could easily get a job closer but is choosing not to. Which I've told her is fine but the rate she needs dropping off and picking up is not sustainable. She said she is happy to get the bus but I give it a week before she realises how easy she has had it. Maybe then she may be more appreciative.