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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD a lift to work

192 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 19:53

16 year old DD finished school at the end of May and wanted to get herself a job for the summer. DH and I made her a CV, emailed it around and we she got a job as a waitress in a restaurant on the coast.

Now this restaurant is only about 5 miles away but as it is literally on the beach the roads are narrow (anyone who has been to Cornwall will understand) and the bus service is practically non existent. Because of this DH and I have been dropping and picking her up for every shift. DH is wfh so is taking time out and using his lunch break to take her and i pick her up on the way home from my job which adds on an extra 30 mins for me. It is actually quite a faff but I told her we were happy to do this short term.

To avoid drip feeding her biological father has taken her once or twice but 9 out of 10 times will say no if she asks for a lift because he's busy or working.

We talked about getting a more convenient job so she applied to the local Tesco and was offered a job. This is walking distance for her. She has turned down the job because she thinks she won't enjoy it as much. I told her I was a bit upset she doesn't appreciate all the running around we do for her and her response was " well it's my job so I can choose what I do". She has never once thanked either of us for taking her or picking her up.

Wibu to tell her if she wants to work that far away from home then she can sort herself out for getting there and back? She told me she was happy to get the bus so off she went. I don't think she realises how much the bus fayre here is! I can't work out if I'm being too harsh on a 16 year old or should it be a lesson she needs to learn?

OP posts:
househousehousefox · 26/07/2021 21:05

@pommepommefrites

She fancies someone at the restaurant
This
TrainspottingWelsh · 26/07/2021 21:07

Everything @MrsTerryPratchett said. At 16 a job needs to be fun, not a life lesson.

I grew up rurally with parents that left me to arrange my own transport, which is exactly why I would never do the same to my own dc. Look at it as good practice, as soon as she's old enough for clubs you'll be doing the parent taxi role in the early hours and a 30 minute divert to pick her up after work will seem like nothing. However if you've always been rural a 30 minute drive is nothing anyway.

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 21:09

I'm not angry at her at all. Like she said it's her job so her choice and I agreed with her.

I just wanted to know if I wbu to say she could make her own way to work and back. Which btw she absolutely can.

I guess my perspective is difficult to get across as I can't relay the conversation that took place between DD and I and how cocky she was saying she was fine to get the bus. Like all the lifts we had given her meant nothing and she wasn't bothered that we had gone out of our way to make sure she wasn't inconvenienced. She just came across as a little selfish but I say to DH all the time that teens are self centered!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/07/2021 21:14

Hmmm. Working right by the beach in summer, the view, the fresh air, the sky, talking to customers, moving around all the time, things changing all the time - or enclosed in an office/industrial unit under artificial light in front of a computer or putting shopping into crates under strict time limits with only a milk crate to sit on by the bins for a break. (I've done both in my time, albeit not with the opportunity to work on the beach).

I wonder how anybody could ever want a job with more pleasant working conditions when they could walk down the road to work in a concrete box?

cookiesandcreamm · 26/07/2021 21:14

So when you applied for the job for her did you not think about the commute?

Dyrne · 26/07/2021 21:15

So you’re fucked off that you had to drive her everywhere.

And now you’re fucked off with the fact that she’s fine with you not driving her everywhere any more.

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2021 21:20

I get it OP. Let her get the bus. And raise your expectations re manners in future.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 26/07/2021 21:20

OP I think you are totally right to get her to catch the bus if there is one. It never hurts for youngsters to learn the ways of the world, and learning to get from A to B under your own steam, is one of the first joys of adulthood. She has obviously taken your putting yourselves out for her for granted, and has now cut off her nose to spite her face, by being cocky enough to say she would get the bus. Now let her get on with it, and if it doesn't work, for her, don't offer a lift, wait for her to ask, maybe then she'll realise that you can't afford to take people for granted! Personally, I think that a lot of our youngsters are far to mollycoddled these days, and need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them. Take no notice of those that say you've chosen to raise your family in an area where they need to be transported left right and centre, and therefore you should be the one to transport them, there is obviously public transport where you are, and as a PP said, what's wrong with a bike? You should be proud of her for getting not just one, but two jobs, but don't feel you have to be responsible for getting her there, when there are alternatives.

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 21:23

Also I never said I live rurally. There are PLENTY of jobs she could do within walking distance. Honestly loads.

OP posts:
MyPantsAreTooTight · 26/07/2021 21:24

We all have to learn independence and self preservation.

I certainly remember being 16 and entering the work place. Never got taken anywhere.

Got sexually harassed - bus stop/on bus/walking
Minor sexual assault - bus stop
Got threatened with getting beat up -walking/bus/train
Nearly got mangled by a huge lorry - moped
Cut the back of my legs up on sharp pedals - push bike
Subject of attempted abduction by two blokes in a white van - walking
Verbally abused - bus/bike/moped/walking
Nearly ended up over the handlebars into a canal - moped

And various other scrapes.

I survived.

Can't be protected for ever by your car driving relatives.

Tempusfudgeit · 26/07/2021 21:28

5 miles? She needs to get on her bike!

RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat · 26/07/2021 21:30

£5 per hr more and she turned it down???? Shock Shock Shock

I hope the restaurant tips well.

Can she not get a bike? She could do 5 miles in 1/2 hr ish

Taliskerskye · 26/07/2021 21:35

Tbf
Working in a pub/ bar on the beach in summer season, with loads of other cool young folk
VS
working in shit Tesco in your local town!

I mean give her a break a bit. Work at that age should be fun and making friends and those memories of the summer season!

But yes she should be more grateful

Waxonwaxoff0 · 26/07/2021 21:37

@TrainspottingWelsh

Everything *@MrsTerryPratchett* said. At 16 a job needs to be fun, not a life lesson.

I grew up rurally with parents that left me to arrange my own transport, which is exactly why I would never do the same to my own dc. Look at it as good practice, as soon as she's old enough for clubs you'll be doing the parent taxi role in the early hours and a 30 minute divert to pick her up after work will seem like nothing. However if you've always been rural a 30 minute drive is nothing anyway.

Is that a rural thing? Never ever did me or any of my friends expect our parents to give us a lift back from nightclubs! We shared taxis! I don't live rural though, but if you live rural are there even any nightclubs nearby?
HalzTangz · 26/07/2021 21:40

Has she got a bike, 5 miles is perfectly acceptable distance for cycling to work.
The bus isn't the only option.
Has she not asked colleagues on the same shift if at live near her (she could car share and pay towards their petrol)

Mzombie · 26/07/2021 21:43

Does she have a bike?

Dontwatchfootball · 26/07/2021 21:45

Sounds like she is about to learn a hard lesson. Quite rightly. I wouldnt want to be doing those narrow beach roads any more than necessary.

MyriadeOfThings · 26/07/2021 21:47

You are both wrong imo.

Her for not appreciating the effort you are making to take her (I’m assuming you didn’t pressurise her to get a job, any job)
And you for expecting her to take a job because it suits you, regardless of whether it suits her.

Tbh if you said that it was ok for her to take that job despite the travel, I think YABU to go back on your word because you actually don’t find it convenient.

MyriadeOfThings · 26/07/2021 21:49

@Dontwatchfootball

Sounds like she is about to learn a hard lesson. Quite rightly. I wouldnt want to be doing those narrow beach roads any more than necessary.
But why did the OP and her DH initially said they were happy to do that and take her in the first place?

Surely they should have worked out it would be a pain and take time?

Summerfun54321 · 26/07/2021 21:50

DH and I made her a CV, emailed it around

My parents would never have done this. I took my own CV by hand to local places to find a job at 15. You need to allow her to be independent. If you want to choose areas to help her out and protect her, choose things that keep her safe (like offering lifts), but back off on the other stuff. Helping her find a job then refusing to help her travel to and from it safely is totally backwards. If you’d have left her to her own devices to find the job in the first place, she might have just chosen somewhere she could easily get to.

Taliskerskye · 26/07/2021 21:51

People do realise that five miles in Cornwall isn’t really the same as anywhere else!!!!

MyriadeOfThings · 26/07/2021 21:51

@ShrekandDonkey

Also I never said I live rurally. There are PLENTY of jobs she could do within walking distance. Honestly loads.
Why did you agree to take her if there are so many other opportunities? Why didn’t you say NO right at the start?
MyriadeOfThings · 26/07/2021 21:52

And why did you contact a place you knew she couldn’t get to on her own? (Seeing you were the one to email the places)

DelphiniumBlue · 26/07/2021 21:53

TBH working in a restaurant is a lot more fun than working in Tescos.
A bike would be the answer if she doesn't want to/can't get the bus. With parents maybe helping to collect her at the end of a shift.

GrrRightBackAtYou · 26/07/2021 21:55

And also the job was to be working in the dot com dept and she tells me she much prefers to be customer facing

Would the early starts have put her off?