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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give DD a lift to work

192 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 19:53

16 year old DD finished school at the end of May and wanted to get herself a job for the summer. DH and I made her a CV, emailed it around and we she got a job as a waitress in a restaurant on the coast.

Now this restaurant is only about 5 miles away but as it is literally on the beach the roads are narrow (anyone who has been to Cornwall will understand) and the bus service is practically non existent. Because of this DH and I have been dropping and picking her up for every shift. DH is wfh so is taking time out and using his lunch break to take her and i pick her up on the way home from my job which adds on an extra 30 mins for me. It is actually quite a faff but I told her we were happy to do this short term.

To avoid drip feeding her biological father has taken her once or twice but 9 out of 10 times will say no if she asks for a lift because he's busy or working.

We talked about getting a more convenient job so she applied to the local Tesco and was offered a job. This is walking distance for her. She has turned down the job because she thinks she won't enjoy it as much. I told her I was a bit upset she doesn't appreciate all the running around we do for her and her response was " well it's my job so I can choose what I do". She has never once thanked either of us for taking her or picking her up.

Wibu to tell her if she wants to work that far away from home then she can sort herself out for getting there and back? She told me she was happy to get the bus so off she went. I don't think she realises how much the bus fayre here is! I can't work out if I'm being too harsh on a 16 year old or should it be a lesson she needs to learn?

OP posts:

AnneFuckingKirrin · 26/07/2021 20:33

I think at 16 I would be really proud of her work ethic and respect her choice to be happy working with friends doing something she enjoys rather than doing something just because it pays well.
She said she will get a bus so it looks like it’s sorted.

IamnotSethRogan · 26/07/2021 20:35

I think yabu. She's found a job that she actually enjoys and wants to stick with. It's what appears to be a mild inconvenience for you which I get is annoying and yes she's a bit ungrateful but teenagers generally are

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2021 20:36

She has never once thanked either of us for taking her or picking her up.

Why note? Didn't you teach her any manners

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/07/2021 20:37

She didn’t choose to live rural so as a parent who made that choice I would expect to drive my children around.
I’d rather they had a job they enjoyed than one they didn’t because it made my life easier.

user1497787065 · 26/07/2021 20:42

I would be very proud that my DD has managed to get two jobs.

Maybe I look at this from a completely different perspective but we live in a village with no public transport and my DC went to school 25 miles away so anywhere they needed to be I drove them.

From a teenagers point of view the seaside restaurant is bound to be more appealing than Tesco.

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 20:43

Oh she has manners. She makes sure she thanks her dad if he ever does anything for her. It's just expected by her for us to run around after her so it seems.

And she doesn't know she won't like working at Tesco. I worked there when she was small and I really enjoyed it as did my sister. She could have tried it at least, I didn't say she had to give up her restaurant job. And most weeks she has only worked 4-5 hours for them in total there's plenty of other hours she could work elsewhere!

And DH and I have lived here our entire lives as do our families. Where else do you think we should live exactly?

OP posts:

happinessischocolate · 26/07/2021 20:44

I'd let her get the bus there and then pick her up in my way home if it's only an extra 30 minutes on my journey.

My dd is now driving and more than happy to give me lifts when I need them to and from the pub 😁 because of all the lifts I gave her 😉

LtDansleg · 26/07/2021 20:45

@MrsTerryPratchett

She has a nice job, with friends, no rent to pay and she loves it.

I don't think 16 is the age to learn that you live to work, money is everything and jobs shouldn't be fun

Some kind of compromise might be good.

This. I’m a little shocked at your comment that at 16 years old you think she should have taken the higher paid job, because you and her dad are working full time. You and your husband are adults, she’s only a child! Are you expecting her to pay her way already?

AlexaShutUp · 26/07/2021 20:47

Yanbu. I have a 16yo who recently started her first job. She gets herself to and from work most of the time (it's a half hour walk, so slightly different) but on the odd occasion I've given her a lift, she has been really grateful. She absolutely wouldn't expect us to taxi her there and back every day.

Fair enough to do that when that was the only job available, but if she has turned her nose up at the more convenient role, then she's made her bed and now needs to lie in it.

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 20:47

And I've told her several times how proud I am of her. She has made getting a job look very easy so far tbh.

It was probably more the cocky attitude of well I will get the bus so I don't need you anyway. We also take her friend who has just started working there too, again that was just expected of us (DD told her friend we would before even asking us).

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2021 20:48

OK I'm just floating this as an idea, not accusing you of it so don't think that...

You sound annoyed and unhappy (and a bit angry). Some people find it difficult to encourage and support joy in other people when they feel that way. Misery loves company. Is it possible that forcing her to give up something she likes for something practical appeals to you because you have to do practical things all the time and you're miserable?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 26/07/2021 20:48

I waitressed at her age and loved it, there is a great social side to working in hospitality. YANBU not to drive her though, she's old enough to get herself to and from work. I always did.

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2021 20:50

It's just expected by her for us to run around after her so it seems.

If you keep doing it then she will keep on expecting it. If you are going to continue you must at least insist she thanks you for the lifts, that's just common courtesy.

I know what you mean though, OP, I spent hours dropping up and collecting my teens from jobs. But if they were in any way rude or disrespectful to me and then asked for a lift somewhere I would just say no, I don't feel like doing you a favour right now.

Personally I would say keep the waitress job but also take on some hours at Tesco to pay for taxis to her preferred place of work. Win win.

newnortherner111 · 26/07/2021 20:50

I don't think you are being harsh.

endofjune · 26/07/2021 20:52

Blimey, so many posts on here complaining about lazy teens … YABU.

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 20:54

Do I expect her to pay her way? No. I've never taken a penny off her for anything.

Do I expect for her to fund her own lifestyle and buy the things she wants. Yes of course I do! She is old enough to have a job and literally has 3 months to do whatever she wants.

She wants to learn to drive (she turns 17 in Oct). She wanted to buy an new iPhone as she had broken the one she already had. She wants clothes, shoes etc.

OP posts:

cookiesandcreamm · 26/07/2021 20:55

If it's only 4-5 hours a weekly surely that's like two shifts?
From your op sounds like you emailed her cv to the restaurant?
She's 16, let her do what she enjoys there is plenty of time for her to earn more, do something she wants etc.

TheChampIsHere · 26/07/2021 20:55

I’d expect good manners. But I’d give her a lift when I was available. I can see why she’s choose to stay at the job she likes, shes 16 and life has been shit enough lately. She’s enjoying work, I’d have a word with her about appreciating when people are helping you out but it’s not worth any drama.

AlmostSummer21 · 26/07/2021 20:55

If she's only doing 4-5 hours pw, you can't be taking her there & picking her up very often?!

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 20:56

And I haven't asked her to give up her waitressing job. I've simply said if that's her choice then she needs to find her own way to get there, which is more than doable.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 20:59

Sometimes we would drop her there to get a phonecall an hour later to say it wasn't busy and could we come and pick her up. However this week she does have 4 longer shifts.

It's a 20 min drive each way, but that will increase with holiday traffic. Which like I said DH does during his lunch break.

OP posts:

Sleepinghyena · 26/07/2021 21:00

I live rurally in another part of the UK. Similar non existent public transport. Tiny B roads with no pavements etc. We are further from towns/ areas with jobs than you.
My 15 yr old has just got a summer job 9 miles away. We consider it our job as parents to take her/ pick her up as she couldn't work without us transporting her. We both work full time/ almost full time and on occasion have to rush from work to get her to her shift on time. I think YABU. You seem really angry with her.

Anonymous48 · 26/07/2021 21:02

@ShrekandDonkey

Oh she has manners. She makes sure she thanks her dad if he ever does anything for her. It's just expected by her for us to run around after her so it seems.

And DH and I have lived here our entire lives as do our families. Where else do you think we should live exactly?

No, she doesn't have good manners if she only uses them with specific people. She definitely should be thanking you and your husband as well, but if you've not raised her with that expectation then perhaps it doesn't come naturally.

I agree with others who say that you have chosen to raise your family somewhere on the remote side, and with that choice comes the obligation to provide transportation for your children. I live somewhere with zero public transportation that is several miles away from the nearest shop or restaurant. I accepted that driving my children places was part of my responsibility until they were old enough to drive and borrow the car. (They would always thank me though - maybe not when I was dropping them off at school! But if I took them somewhere to work or meet up with friends.)

I understand why you're surprised that she didn't take the Tesco job. From your adult point of view it's more convenient and better paying. But this is her first job, she's enjoying it, and it's only for a few weeks. I wouldn't have switched jobs either.

How about a compromise? You'll take her and pick her up some of the time. Other times she can take the bus if there is one.

Dyrne · 26/07/2021 21:03

OP what’s your actual issue? You said you’d stop giving her a lift, she shrugged her shoulders and said she’d get the bus, and yet you say she “expects” lifts from you?

And in one breath you say you’re fed up with shlepping her around all the time but in the next you say she only works 4-5 hours a week…

Voice0fReason · 26/07/2021 21:04

You made her CV and you sent it round to various places, one of which resulted in a job.
You then decided that the journey didn't work for you so got her to apply for a different job.

It doesn't strike me that she's been the main decision-maker in much of this so now she's trying to make a decision that suits her. That she has control over.

I think a bit of compromise is in order here. Maybe give her a lift some days and let her catch the bus others.

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