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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not give DD a lift to work

192 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 19:53

16 year old DD finished school at the end of May and wanted to get herself a job for the summer. DH and I made her a CV, emailed it around and we she got a job as a waitress in a restaurant on the coast.

Now this restaurant is only about 5 miles away but as it is literally on the beach the roads are narrow (anyone who has been to Cornwall will understand) and the bus service is practically non existent. Because of this DH and I have been dropping and picking her up for every shift. DH is wfh so is taking time out and using his lunch break to take her and i pick her up on the way home from my job which adds on an extra 30 mins for me. It is actually quite a faff but I told her we were happy to do this short term.

To avoid drip feeding her biological father has taken her once or twice but 9 out of 10 times will say no if she asks for a lift because he's busy or working.

We talked about getting a more convenient job so she applied to the local Tesco and was offered a job. This is walking distance for her. She has turned down the job because she thinks she won't enjoy it as much. I told her I was a bit upset she doesn't appreciate all the running around we do for her and her response was " well it's my job so I can choose what I do". She has never once thanked either of us for taking her or picking her up.

Wibu to tell her if she wants to work that far away from home then she can sort herself out for getting there and back? She told me she was happy to get the bus so off she went. I don't think she realises how much the bus fayre here is! I can't work out if I'm being too harsh on a 16 year old or should it be a lesson she needs to learn?

OP posts:
Cattitudes · 28/07/2021 07:16

I'm dreading her going to uni with a student loan etc. That's why I wanted her to have a job now so she can learn these skills.

It might also be worth doing something more formally with her. At the moment she just needs to pay bus fare bit maybe get her to think about budgeting. Does she need to buy clothes for sixth-form? Does she have other hobbies? Maybe sit down with her and sort out a budget to help her plan what she spends each month and start taking responsibility for some aspects. Work expenses such as bus fare come from working but maybe other things such as school clothes, socialising, hobbies etc have a fixed budget so if she has been to the cinema twice she can't afford to buy a new top. There should still be some gain at her age from working but I guess if she is covering her expenses then maybe look at the other things she gains from the experience such as teamwork, communication, working under stress, time management, waitessing skills etc. which will help her secure a part time job at university.

Maybe also working through a free course like this from the Open University. It sounds as if you are casting her as being bad with money like your mother, it may just be that it isn't intuitive to her, but with some scaffolding around developing money awareness she will be able to successfully budget at university.

MaMaD1990 · 28/07/2021 07:47

I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. It's not the crime of the century to say 'no' when your DD is expecting to be chauffeured to and from a job that's awkwardly located and interferes with yours and your DH's jobs. She had the choice of taking a job closer to home but she's decided that's not for her. That's fine, but if she's grown up enough to decide where she works, she's grown up enough to get herself to and from work - or it's a nice life lesson for her. She's just pushing boundaries and it all screams the usual teen "it's so unfair!". She won't need therapy over this and she'll likely see your POV when she's older. Crack on as you are, it seems your dealing with her well and in a fair way.

cookiesandcreamm · 28/07/2021 07:51

She's 16 she doesn't need to learn to budget.
Pay her bus fares yes, but let her just enjoy her money for now.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/07/2021 08:25

@cookiesandcreamm

She's 16 she doesn't need to learn to budget. Pay her bus fares yes, but let her just enjoy her money for now.
Disagree completely. Kids do need to learn to budget. It's an essential life skill. My 8 year old learns to budget by saving up his pocket money when he wants something.

In 2 years she will be going to university and will have to learn to budget a student loan.

billy1966 · 28/07/2021 08:37

OP,

I think you have been perfectly reasonable and gotten a very, very harsh response.

The first thing I was advised from friends years ago re part time jobs was to tell them they needed to make their own way or it would be a complete PITA for us.

Good advice as 3 of mine have jobs.

If I was dropping them all the time I woulld never be off the road.

The tesco job was a long term no brainer but obviously she couldn't be told.

Her lack of manners and that you accept this, is all on you.

The idea that I would drop one of mine somewhere and they wouldn't have the very, very basic manners to say thank you, is extraordinary.

You are doing her no favours tolerating such rudeness and disrespect.

The distance you write about is huge and both annoying and unnecessary.

I would leave her to it and stick to late shift pick ups.

I do a LOT of taxing, but I am not treated with rudeness and disrespect and I certainly wouldn't be doing it if I was.

My kids know mum is doing them a favour, as most kids usually do.

00100001 · 28/07/2021 08:41

@Neondisco

Surely when you moved somewhere without a bus service with children you thought about this?
Eh? But there is a bus service...and the DD is using it... Confused
MaMaD1990 · 28/07/2021 08:43

@cookiesandcreamm

She's 16 she doesn't need to learn to budget. Pay her bus fares yes, but let her just enjoy her money for now.
It's the perfect time to start to learn about budgeting and managing her own money. It would be a complete disservice not to let her learn the hard way now - she'd but up shit creek without a paddle when she's 18+, has bills and rent to pay and ends up in all sorts of trouble because she's not been taught how to be responsible with her spending.
StormyTeacups · 28/07/2021 08:46

Who contacted the restaurant in the first place? It sounds like you sent out CVS etc. Why contact somewhere you're not happy for her to work?

00100001 · 28/07/2021 08:57

@cookiesandcreamm

She's 16 she doesn't need to learn to budget. Pay her bus fares yes, but let her just enjoy her money for now.
LOL, of course she does.

Most kids have learned to budget by then, surely?

Even if it's a case of you giving them a fiver for their beach holiday at 10, and saying they can spend it on what they like, but once it's gone it's gone... So they have to decide if they want to save £1 for a doughnut, and then maybe buy a trinket, and then maybe some sweets....or spend it all at once on a ice cream sundae and a Coke. (Or whatever)

My lad had to save his money for stuff, so he learned how to spend a little,save a little etc.

frazzledasarock · 28/07/2021 09:03

Budgeting, opening bank accounts, learning the financial terminology banks use, learning about interest rates on credit cards. Are all things kids should learn about before they go off to university/the big wide world and rack up enormous crippling debt because banks happily offer students credit cards and offer loans and overdrafts. My DH had years of debt because of a feckless few years at university where he had ‘free money’.

Managing money is a basic life skill and should be taught very early on.

rainbowstardrops · 28/07/2021 09:16

I think you've handled the situation well.

towers14 · 28/07/2021 12:48

My dd has taken a job in her uni city 16 miles away, so she has a job when she returns to uni, so for the next 6 weeks Dh is taking her at 6.30 am, now that's a pain! She does gets the train back. We wouldn't dream of saying you're on your own, we help out in anyway we can. I'm always picking my ds from his girlfriends I'd rather that then him pay £10 for a taxi. You're dd will have left home soon then you can put your feet up.

towers14 · 28/07/2021 12:50

We always get a thank you though.

Anonymous48 · 28/07/2021 15:02

@00100001

Eh? But there is a bus service...and the DD is using it...

The OP has changed her story. Originally she said the bus service was non existent. None of it makes any sense.

ShrekandDonkey · 28/07/2021 15:18

I said the buses were practically non existent. In that the bus to that particular part of Cornwall is once every 2 hours and for DD to start an evening shift at 4pm she has to leave home at 2pm. So they do exist, just not very often. I have stated this already and haven't changed my story.

OP posts:
Planty13 · 28/07/2021 15:46

If she’s happy to get the bus I’d let her crack on. It’s a good lesson in organising herself.

Voice0fReason · 29/07/2021 21:10

@ShrekandDonkey

Also I never said I live rurally. There are PLENTY of jobs she could do within walking distance. Honestly loads.
So why did you apply for a job for her that was so far away?
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