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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD a lift to work

192 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 19:53

16 year old DD finished school at the end of May and wanted to get herself a job for the summer. DH and I made her a CV, emailed it around and we she got a job as a waitress in a restaurant on the coast.

Now this restaurant is only about 5 miles away but as it is literally on the beach the roads are narrow (anyone who has been to Cornwall will understand) and the bus service is practically non existent. Because of this DH and I have been dropping and picking her up for every shift. DH is wfh so is taking time out and using his lunch break to take her and i pick her up on the way home from my job which adds on an extra 30 mins for me. It is actually quite a faff but I told her we were happy to do this short term.

To avoid drip feeding her biological father has taken her once or twice but 9 out of 10 times will say no if she asks for a lift because he's busy or working.

We talked about getting a more convenient job so she applied to the local Tesco and was offered a job. This is walking distance for her. She has turned down the job because she thinks she won't enjoy it as much. I told her I was a bit upset she doesn't appreciate all the running around we do for her and her response was " well it's my job so I can choose what I do". She has never once thanked either of us for taking her or picking her up.

Wibu to tell her if she wants to work that far away from home then she can sort herself out for getting there and back? She told me she was happy to get the bus so off she went. I don't think she realises how much the bus fayre here is! I can't work out if I'm being too harsh on a 16 year old or should it be a lesson she needs to learn?

OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 27/07/2021 09:31

She's working 4 or 5 hours a week, at a fiver an hour less than she'd get at Tesco, and is now paying bus fare?

Boyfriend or no - there's definitely someone she fancies there.

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 09:42

People see Cornwall and assume i live in the middle of nowhere. I live in the second most populated area in Cornwall. The bus stop is 2 mins from my house and there are buses every 10 mins (just not to the beach where DD works) and the train station is a 10 min walk. Its not like DD doesn't have options. She just chooses to work in an awkward place to get to, which we agreed with her would only be til she got a different job which was more convenient for both her and I.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 09:49

And I agree that I probably made a rod for my own back. I have spoon fed her slightly with the CV thing. I did tell her she needed to do one and she wrote one sentence on a piece of paper. So we sat down together and I helped her write one and then we emailed it round. But she had to go the interviews herself and present herself properly to be offered these jobs. She was offered 3 waitressing jobs and took this one which was the most awkward to get to Hmm

It has done wonders for her confidence so I'm glad I helped her (and I didn't mind doing so for her first job). She enjoys working there which I guess is the most important thing. She has told me she is happy to get the bus so I am happy to let her.

OP posts:
GreenLakes · 27/07/2021 12:18

Tbh I can see why your DD wants to keep her current job.

Working in a beachfront restaurant, meeting tourists and learning a wide range of skills is a much more enjoyable way to spend a summer than stacking shelves in a glass box.

I’d continue with the lifts.

MyriadeOfThings · 27/07/2021 12:39

So basically you were moaning that she didn’t take the tesco job when you hadn’t actually discuss with her the possibility of taking the bus Shock

catinboots21 · 27/07/2021 12:41

£5 more an hour? Are you sure about that OP? Tesco normally only pay minimum wage at that age so what on earth are the restaurant paying her?

unsureofneighbour · 27/07/2021 12:43

@catinboots21

£5 more an hour? Are you sure about that OP? Tesco normally only pay minimum wage at that age so what on earth are the restaurant paying her?

Tesco don't pay minimum wage. They pay everyone the same.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/07/2021 12:45

You needed to speak to her more honestly. Be clear lifts were difficult and not likely to be ongoing. It seems unkind to withdraw lifts after she turned down Tesco. Surely better to say before so she could weigh up and make informed choice. Was she definitely offered Tesco It seems a very high wage?

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 12:47

Tesco pay £9.30 an hour to all employees regardless of age. She is being paid £4.62 an hour at the restaurant. Factor in a fiver for the bus every day vs a 10 min walk it seemed like a no brainer to me. Plus I would have liked the 10% discount off my shopping each week Wink

And sometimes I can't give her a lift as I have other commitments.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 12:51

We spoke about how sometimes it wasn't convenient for us to drive her to work and back and she agreed to find a different job which was easier for her to get to. Hence why she applied to Tesco. It feels to me like she never intended to take the Tesco job so wasted their time by going to the interview.

It is more of a benefit to her than me to get a job nearby as she can work whatever hours she likes then without relying on others.

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 27/07/2021 12:53

I can see that a restaurant job at the seaside would be more appealing. Wage seems low though; are there tips?
Maybe you can give her lifts when convenient, otherwise let her get on with it.

TabithaTiger · 27/07/2021 12:55

Tesco job obviously seems like the better option, but I'm sure my 16 year old self would have much preferred to waitress at a beach restaurant! I bet it's full of fit lads! Does she get tips on top of her hourly rate?

I get it's a pain to give her lifts, but I'd do it for my DC. I think if you live rurally you have to accept you're going to be running teens about. It is only 30 minutes each day, I don't think it's that big a deal really.

She should be thanking you though, that's just basic manners.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 27/07/2021 13:01

Let her make her own choices but also bear the consequences. She can get the bus. I would not give any lifts unless asked politely with please and thank you. If she rings asking for a lift without politeness, I would say 'no, you'll have to get the bus I'm afraid'. Let it work itself out that way. Stop mentioning Tesco as she's probably just digging her heels in about it now.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 27/07/2021 13:09

I grew up in Cornwall and have recent experience of the coastal buses - she needs to get a bicycle! Kids that live in rural areas need to learn to be independent just as much as those in the city.

frazzledasarock · 27/07/2021 13:11

My mid/late teens make their own way to and from where they need to get to. If it’s convenient and they ask they’ll get lifts.

But they know it’s not a given we might be busy.

I live somewhere where buses don’t come at all and you could spend a half a day stood at a bus stop.

I used to pay for my train ticket out of my wages when I worked on weekends whilst studying. I lived in a very rough neighbourhood and would come home quite late at night after work.

It teaches budgeting and self reliance.

Although my kids are polite and don’t take being given lifts for granted. Maybe because we didn’t have a car when they were younger and they don’t automatically assume my DH is their chauffeur.

unsureofneighbour · 27/07/2021 13:12

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe

I grew up in Cornwall and have recent experience of the coastal buses - she needs to get a bicycle! Kids that live in rural areas need to learn to be independent just as much as those in the city.

OP has said, multiple times, that they do not live rurally Hmm

Grace58 · 27/07/2021 13:15

I think I’d say buses unless it’s late at night, then I’d suck it up and give a lift. In the daytime though she needs to get the bus!

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 27/07/2021 13:26

YANBU, she sounds like an ungrateful brat. Yes she can get the bus or cycle, or take the Tesco job. No wonder we have a generation of entitled young adults.

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 13:37

The Tesco job is long gone now. And I've told her of she is to keep her waitressing job that's fine but I will not be available for lifts 5 days a week. I don't mind picking her up when she is working late as I don't actually think there is a bus at that time but she can make her own way there.

I think DH and I were trying to save her the expense of paying for travel whilst she was earning so little. She never really has had a great concept of money and budgeting (it's just who she is) so hopefully this will help that.

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 13:42

@ShrekandDonkey

Tesco pay £9.30 an hour to all employees regardless of age. She is being paid £4.62 an hour at the restaurant. Factor in a fiver for the bus every day vs a 10 min walk it seemed like a no brainer to me. Plus I would have liked the 10% discount off my shopping each week Wink

And sometimes I can't give her a lift as I have other commitments.

God she's an idiot.
TheChampIsHere · 27/07/2021 13:52

So you offered to give her lifts at first. Now you've said it’s not sustainable, she’s said she’ll happily get the bus. Sounds like there’s not really a problem.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/07/2021 13:53

@TabithaTiger

Tesco job obviously seems like the better option, but I'm sure my 16 year old self would have much preferred to waitress at a beach restaurant! I bet it's full of fit lads! Does she get tips on top of her hourly rate?

I get it's a pain to give her lifts, but I'd do it for my DC. I think if you live rurally you have to accept you're going to be running teens about. It is only 30 minutes each day, I don't think it's that big a deal really.

She should be thanking you though, that's just basic manners.

OP doesn't live rurally, she said that plenty of times.
TheChampIsHere · 27/07/2021 13:55

God she's an idiot.

Or she’s someone who values her happiness over money. She might not be able to do that when she’s an adult, but as a child she can. Good for her. A job by the beach sounds lovely.

cookiesandcreamm · 27/07/2021 14:09

I will not be available for lifts 5 days a week

It's gone from 4/5 hours a week to 5 days a week?

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 14:19

Yes now the summer season is kicking in her shifts have increased taking her from 1-2 days a week to 5. Which I had already stated. Plus she has proved her worth as a good, reliable member of the team so obviously they want her in more.

OP posts: