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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give DD a lift to work

192 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 26/07/2021 19:53

16 year old DD finished school at the end of May and wanted to get herself a job for the summer. DH and I made her a CV, emailed it around and we she got a job as a waitress in a restaurant on the coast.

Now this restaurant is only about 5 miles away but as it is literally on the beach the roads are narrow (anyone who has been to Cornwall will understand) and the bus service is practically non existent. Because of this DH and I have been dropping and picking her up for every shift. DH is wfh so is taking time out and using his lunch break to take her and i pick her up on the way home from my job which adds on an extra 30 mins for me. It is actually quite a faff but I told her we were happy to do this short term.

To avoid drip feeding her biological father has taken her once or twice but 9 out of 10 times will say no if she asks for a lift because he's busy or working.

We talked about getting a more convenient job so she applied to the local Tesco and was offered a job. This is walking distance for her. She has turned down the job because she thinks she won't enjoy it as much. I told her I was a bit upset she doesn't appreciate all the running around we do for her and her response was " well it's my job so I can choose what I do". She has never once thanked either of us for taking her or picking her up.

Wibu to tell her if she wants to work that far away from home then she can sort herself out for getting there and back? She told me she was happy to get the bus so off she went. I don't think she realises how much the bus fayre here is! I can't work out if I'm being too harsh on a 16 year old or should it be a lesson she needs to learn?

OP posts:

Oblomov21 · 27/07/2021 14:25

I'm struggling to understand her logic. Turning down the £5 more Tesco job.

Yes waitressing is fun, but ....

I did waitressing aged 14 onwards, in Dartmoor, I had to turn down a great job in Polzeath because I couldn't get there.

Oblomov21 · 27/07/2021 14:27

Ok. So now she'll have to bike it, if more shifts.

MaryBoBary · 27/07/2021 15:48

@ShrekandDonkey

And I agree that I probably made a rod for my own back. I have spoon fed her slightly with the CV thing. I did tell her she needed to do one and she wrote one sentence on a piece of paper. So we sat down together and I helped her write one and then we emailed it round. But she had to go the interviews herself and present herself properly to be offered these jobs. She was offered 3 waitressing jobs and took this one which was the most awkward to get to

It has done wonders for her confidence so I'm glad I helped her (and I didn't mind doing so for her first job). She enjoys working there which I guess is the most important thing. She has told me she is happy to get the bus so I am happy to let her.

Well that's fair enough OP. Your original post made it seem that you and your OH did all the writing and sending of CVs for her.

LittleGwyneth · 27/07/2021 16:36

Tesco isn't a cool place to work, cafe is far more glam. Totally up to her where she works, but don't baby her by giving her constant lifts. As PP said, can't she have a bike?

Pottedpalm · 27/07/2021 18:06

OP has said the roads are not great for cycling. Probably narrow and quite busy in season.

pinkyredrose · 27/07/2021 18:20

Tesco job pays almost £5 more an hour say what? And she turned it down? Get your kids pushbikes!

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 19:09

We are currently in a stand off. She got the bus to work this afternoon and went off all smug about it but has now called me to come and pick her up as she is finishing early and the bus isn't for another hour.

Of course she messaged her dad first to come get her. He read her message and then has completely ignored her 🙄 dickhead. THIS is why I overcompensate for her, because her dad is so pathetic.

I've said no and she can wait for the bus. She's not happy about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 19:11

She does have a decent bike but the road to the restaurant is really not great for cyclists. There are massive hills and the locals drive like idiots on the narrow and windy roads. If it was flat I'd have no problem her cycling.

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/07/2021 19:15

@ShrekandDonkey

Of course she messaged her dad first to come get her. He read her message and then has completely ignored her 🙄 dickhead. THIS is why I overcompensate for her, because her dad is so pathetic.

I've said no and she can wait for the bus. She's not happy about it.

That makes it sound like you're not happy, so you want her to be miserable in Tesco's as well as you benefitting from her work paying for 10% off your shopping .

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 19:24

I'm definitely happy. I'm allowed to not appreciate being taken for granted.

I don't want her to be miserable at Tesco (that job is long gone). She said she is happy getting the bus so that's what I have left her to do. Yes she has to wait around for it, it's not going to do her any harm!

If she had said please or thank you she may have got a different response from me. Or if there was no bus but there is. I spelt that out to her and I got a message back saying "fine, I'll walk then". Not like I didn't try.

OP posts:

tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 19:32

@ShrekandDonkey

Of course she messaged her dad first to come get her. He read her message and then has completely ignored her 🙄 dickhead. THIS is why I overcompensate for her, because her dad is so pathetic.

I've said no and she can wait for the bus. She's not happy about it.

OP, you really need to stand firm here, say no.

It's light out, she can get the next bus and it's a good lesson for her.

You can compensate by loving her but enabling this behaviour isn't loving.

tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 19:33

Sorry missed your last line! Glad you're standing firm.

TheChampIsHere · 27/07/2021 19:45

ShrekandDonkey

Sounds like you’re enjoying it a bit too much, like you were waiting for her to ask for help and it’s a bit ‘I told you so.’ She’ll remember that in years to come.
Always be the bigger person. You’re meant to be the adult here.

tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 19:48

Always be the bigger person.

Terrible advice. I'm guessing you're very passive.

Sparklfairy · 27/07/2021 19:53

Always be the bigger person.

Aka always be a walkover to a rude, entitled teen who doesn't even say thank you? Who actively chooses a job in an awkward location when she's had three other offers in places easier to get to? You think teaching her that she can demand one of three adults come and get her and flouncing when she doesn't get her own way is okay?

This isn't about OP having some kind of power trip as you are trying to make out. DD's attitude is so bad, entitled and ungrateful. Pandering to it for an easy life is terrible parenting.

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 19:54

She has a return bus ticket. She just doesn't want the inconvenience of waiting around for the bus home. Which I told her is a consequence of having a job at the end of nowhere.

OP posts:

Anonymous48 · 27/07/2021 20:08

This isn't adding up. Your original post literally said "the bus service is practically non existent", but now she's taking the bus. So what is the issue? And, really, it's just for a few more weeks isn't it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2021 20:15

@ShrekandDonkey

She has a return bus ticket. She just doesn't want the inconvenience of waiting around for the bus home. Which I told her is a consequence of having a job at the end of nowhere.

This is the unreasonable bit.

Fine to have her deal with the consequences of her decisions. To be applauded actually.

Not fine to win and score point and right-fight with teenagers.

Try for emotionally neutral, empathetic responses. They learn the lesson, rather than reacting to your trying to win.

Her: the bus is an hour, can I have a lift?

Wrong response: no that's the consequences of you wanting that job, should have chosen Tesco.

Right response: sort love I'm too busy. Hope the wait isn't too long. Have you got a book?

TheChampIsHere · 27/07/2021 20:23

Sparklfairy

No. But OP doesn’t have to sound so happy that she’s ‘failed’. She hasn’t. She asked for a lift, that’s all, OP has said no. Her daughter will cope. OP said her daughter was smug, well I wonder where she gets it from. She’ll be left in no doubt now if your attitude and if she’s anything like me, I would ask nothing more of you. That’s what I did with my parents with a similar ‘I told you so attitude’.

I’m not a walkover, definitely not passive. I don’t think I’ve ever been described as passive. 😬 But I help out my kids where I can. If they make decisions that I don’t feel are the best, I’m not always waiting to be proven right. That’s a recipe for a very bad relationship.

I also have a 17 year old. He acts like an adult. He’s independent but appreciates my help at times, any more difficult times were dealt with long ago as he matured. But at 17, there’s no issues. If I had an ungrateful child, at 17, I’d be questioning why. They’re a product of things that have happened previously. By 17, it should be much easier.

There’s a difference between pandering and being a nice parent. Pandering is often a term used by people who don’t want to put themselves out for others.

Anyway, I’m sure we won’t agree. My parenting seems to have worked out well so far as I don’t have an ungrateful, entitled teen. But hey, what would I know.

TheChampIsHere · 27/07/2021 20:29

MrsTerryPratchett

Exactly.

Sparklfairy · 27/07/2021 20:31

@TheChampIsHere now you've elaborated that makes sense. I had the opposite growing up, my DM chose to live rurally but would begrudge us lifts anywhere and refused to give us pocket money for the unreliable public transport.

However my sister briefly moved back in and had a job about 20 miles away. My DM had to drive her 7 miles at 5am to the nearest connecting train station, and do the same again late evening. Never got a thank you and although I thought both of their attitudes were bad for different reasons I always thought my sister took the piss (I think she was about 19).

I don't blame OP for revealing a moment of smugness on an anonymous forum. Often thoughts cross our mind that we can vent here but we don't display them or seriously consider them IRL.

At the end of the day, DD had four options for jobs and chose the most awkward one, expecting everybody else to run around to facilitate it, and doesn't even bother to say thank you. I have to say I'd do an inward cheer at her having to wait for a bus like the rest of us plebs

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 21:33

Obviously I was more empathic towards her, I haven't exactly written out entire text conversation on here just the jist of it. I certainly didn't come across as smug to her when I read it back, I was more than fair.

She's just gaining some independence and is trying to see what she can and can't get away with. In all other aspects she has been a great teen to parent and I've had no issues with her.

We've had a chat and she is happy to get the bus to work so DH doesn't have to take any time out from his job to take her and then we will pick her up when she is on the late shift. I think that's a fair compromise.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/07/2021 21:52

I'm tempted to run a sweepstake on how long before she realises how much of her salary is going on bus fares!!

WelliesandWine88 · 27/07/2021 22:08

'well it's her job' so it's her own responsibility to get herself there.

There's a great lesson not only in appreciating kindness of others, but also in learning to be responsible for herself here.

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 27/07/2021 22:10

She isn't bothered by the cost of the bus. She's the type of person who will order something online for 99p and pay £5 for delivery.

She's not particularly money motivated and although she has appreciated having money to spend I think she'd be happy to live off her pocket money we used to give her. I guess thats why she wasn't bothered about the Tesco job and is happy to work for minimum wage but doing something she knows she likes with people she gets on with.

I'm dreading her going to uni with a student loan etc. That's why I wanted her to have a job now so she can learn these skills. But I understand some people never have them, my mother definitely doesn't even now in her 60's and DD is very much like her.

OP posts:

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