To not give DD a lift to work

[ShrekandDonkey]

16 year old DD finished school at the end of May and wanted to get herself a job for the summer. DH and I made her a CV, emailed it around and we she got a job as a waitress in a restaurant on the coast.

Now this restaurant is only about 5 miles away but as it is literally on the beach the roads are narrow (anyone who has been to Cornwall will understand) and the bus service is practically non existent. Because of this DH and I have been dropping and picking her up for every shift. DH is wfh so is taking time out and using his lunch break to take her and i pick her up on the way home from my job which adds on an extra 30 mins for me. It is actually quite a faff but I told her we were happy to do this short term.

To avoid drip feeding her biological father has taken her once or twice but 9 out of 10 times will say no if she asks for a lift because he's busy or working.

We talked about getting a more convenient job so she applied to the local Tesco and was offered a job. This is walking distance for her. She has turned down the job because she thinks she won't enjoy it as much. I told her I was a bit upset she doesn't appreciate all the running around we do for her and her response was " well it's my job so I can choose what I do". She has never once thanked either of us for taking her or picking her up.

Wibu to tell her if she wants to work that far away from home then she can sort herself out for getting there and back? She told me she was happy to get the bus so off she went. I don't think she realises how much the bus fayre here is! I can't work out if I'm being too harsh on a 16 year old or should it be a lesson she needs to learn?

Meh
Let her make her own choices, no one wants to work in Tesco. It’s not a dream of a teenager.

As it’s coming into August, the restaurant will probably get busier and she might get offered more shifts as her experience and confidence grows. Would you be comfortable if she were getting lifts from colleagues? Once she has money in her pocket for the bus (or a taxi at a push), I’d encourage her to work it out. Hospitality is a very transferable skill and she might spend many summers and evenings waitressing if she goes to uni. I think it’s great she is getting the work.

YANBU, you and DH have been very generous with lifts but she hasn’t valued them.

Time for her to see the consequences of taking lifts for granted.

If she doesn’t yet realise that crappy cafe wage + high bus fares make this a very poor decision on her part, then this will be a good lesson for her.

@ShrekandDonkey

I've already said I don't live rurally. There are buses from my town every 10 mins in any direction. Its the fact the restaurant is rural so she needs to catch another bus, which comes once every hour.

DD could easily get a job closer but is choosing not to. Which I've told her is fine but the rate she needs dropping off and picking up is not sustainable. She said she is happy to get the bus but I give it a week before she realises how easy she has had it. Maybe then she may be more appreciative.

Why did you send her CV to this restaurant to try to get her a job there if you didn't want her to get a job there because you knew she couldn't reasonably and safely get there and back on her own and didn't want to give her lifts?

@tallduckandhandsome

YANBU, you and DH have been very generous with lifts but she hasn’t valued them.

Time for her to see the consequences of taking lifts for granted.

If she doesn’t yet realise that crappy cafe wage + high bus fares make this a very poor decision on her part, then this will be a good lesson for her.

Jesus she is 16. It's her first job. Why are people so mean to their kids?

She's not 25, she's 16 and doing a summer job. Why do people want to make things even more miserable for teenagers who've had a year from hell?

Why did you send her CV to this restaurant to try to get her a job there if you didn't want her to get a job there because you knew she couldn't reasonably and safely get there and back on her own and didn't want to give her lifts?

Presumably OP and DH were happy to facilitate to the cafe if it’s all the work dd could get. That’s no longer the case. Dd is 16, she should sort this herself.

Jesus she is 16. It's her first job. Why are people so mean to their kids?

It’s not a question of being mean, it’s logic. It doesn’t make sense for add 30 minutes to her journey to pick up dd when DD was offered a job that pays twice as much at Tesco’s that’s within walking distance.

*for OP to add 30 mins

Moped. I was in the same situation at 16, summer job in a pub kitchen, i cycled the 5 miles each way in daytime and dad drove me in the evening. It wasnt long before i got a moped. It was awesome...i could get up to 35mph going down hill!

Going to go against the grain here but I do think YABU!

She's 16, it's a summer job, not her long term career.

She's said she's happy to get the bus there and back so I don't really see what the issue is - yes she should have said thank you and you should definitely talk to her about being more grateful but honestly you sound as though your bigger problem is she didn't take the Tesco job because that's what you would have done.

Logically yes the job in Tesco would have made more sense because it's closer and pays more but I agree with her that it will likely be less fun, which at 16 id say it's more important that she has a job she enjoys when it's only for a couple months for some extra money rather than her being older and needing it to pay bills etc.

Also just because you enjoyed Tesco doesn't mean she will. When I was at uni I worked in both hospitality customer facing (pubs) and also in Asda. I much preferred the atmosphere of customer facing, getting to talk to customers and colleagues etc, I hated working in Asda (I had bills at the time so couldn't prioritise enjoyment). I now have my own (well paying) job that I really enjoy so her not choosing the higher paying job now doesn't mean she won't in the future.

Let her enjoy her summer in the job she enjoys, you don't need to take her there and back. Has she thought about getting a bike?

@tallduckandhandsome

Jesus she is 16. It's her first job. Why are people so mean to their kids?

It’s not a question of being mean, it’s logic. It doesn’t make sense for add 30 minutes to her journey to pick up dd when DD was offered a job that pays twice as much at Tesco’s that’s within walking distance.

Yes. If it's her first ever experience of work and her parents encouraged her to take this job in the first place and she's now settled and happy there, and they're quite happy to take other siblings around in the car to activities that are just for fun not work. Then yes, it does make sense.

Do you other kids thank you every time you take them to their "activities" in your car OP, or is this something you only expect of your DD? Why? Surely a job is a better reason to need a lift. Or is it because she's older? If so that's a reflection on you not teaching her to be grateful not on her, and I expect your (presumably younger) other children will be equally ungrateful when they reach her stage of development. It seems like you're blaming her for you suggesting she get a job at this place, her getting it, and her behaving how you've brought her up to behave.

@tallduckandhandsome

Why did you send her CV to this restaurant to try to get her a job there if you didn't want her to get a job there because you knew she couldn't reasonably and safely get there and back on her own and didn't want to give her lifts?

Presumably OP and DH were happy to facilitate to the cafe if it’s all the work dd could get. That’s no longer the case. Dd is 16, she should sort this herself.

Wow. Why on Earth have children if you see any help for them as such a huge inconvenience??

I think most of us in Rural Ireland would find the discussion in this hard to grasp. Our teenager does shifts 12 miles away in the nearest town which we take him to and pick him up from. There are no public transport options. Very common here and just seen as part of living in a rural area. 5 miles wouldn't even be a thought.

Exactly. If you choose to need live somewhere where children will likely need lifts to get to activities/ work/ friends then you suck up doing it. Not fair on them otherwise. You can't dictate that they can only do activities/ get jobs/ have friends within a tiny area where that isn't required.

I think some people here are giving you a hard time, OP. I grew up in a Cornish village. My mother wasn't prepared to ferry us around by the time we were 16. I got the bus to my summer jobs, my sister got herself a moped. YANBU.

I'd be annoyed that she didn't take the Tesco job and is so ungrateful.
I'd be doubly annoyed as it means that you're not getting the advantage of her Tesco staff discount to save money on your weekly shop !

@TheMadGardener

I think some people here are giving you a hard time, OP. I grew up in a Cornish village. My mother wasn't prepared to ferry us around by the time we were 16. I got the bus to my summer jobs, my sister got herself a moped. YANBU.

I presume this was a while ago?

@namechangetheworld

I think you're being mean. Giving lifts to teens is part and parcel of having them. I grew up very rurally and my parents ferried me to my part time job twice a week, and I wouldnt have thought to thank them at the time, as a previous poster said. It was just what parents did. I'm incredibly grateful now, but at the time I was sixteen and rather self centred, as most sixteen year old tend to be. Cut her a bit of slack.

I can't drive so DS won't be ferried about as a teen, definitely not part and parcel in my house! We don't live rural though, plenty of good public transport here.

OP has said multiple times that she doesn't live rurally so why are people still talking as if she does?

I've ready said I have no problem with her keeping her waitressing job.

The nature of my job means twice a week I am in a different location which a lot of the time is up to an hour away. That's without holiday traffic. It took me 2 hours to travel 35 miles last week due to holiday traffic. Then to add on 40 mins after an already long day is an inconvenience when she has probably earned £12 for the shift. Especially when she is more than capable of getting the bus!

I haven't in any way been mean to her, yesterday was the first time she had got the bus to work as we had ferried her back and forth. She told me she has no issue getting the bus so all I was asking was should I leave her to it. I suppose she could cycle but Cornwall is so hilly and the route there is a difficult one.

And the reason I take my other DC to activities is because they are 11 and 9!

It would be a bit different if I lived in the middle of nowhere and this was DD's only option for employment but that isn't the case! She has been offered a job a 10 min walk away and she turned it down expecting that I will drive her to work and back every day. Now the summer is here they have given her shifts over 5 days this week. I know it isn't unreasonable of me to say to her she can make her own way there some days as I am busy.

Don't get my wrong I try and help my DC out as much as I can but there's no harm in her gaining a little independence. And she needs to realise I do also have a full time job and other commitments and I can't always be available at the click of a finger.

Plus DH has been taking time out of his job to take her there. He isn't always able to due to timings of meetings etc. And not sure his employer would be too happy about it if they knew!

We don't live rural though

Just like the OP then!!!

A lot here is odd to me. What wasn't she applying for her own jobs and writing her own CV at 16? I think this is where it goes wrong. You did not encourage her to be independent in finding a job. You did it for her. Therefore why are you now expecting her to be independent int ravelling to the job? You have babied her and now seem to be scratching your head about why she is rude and entitled. Give her some independence, let her get on with it and let her get the bus. And don't make this mistake again. I'm sure there are excuses why you HAD to do it all for her, but you've made a rod for your own back here.