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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son not getting in touch

178 replies

IrisAtwood · 26/07/2021 12:39

We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle.
I left a voicemail as soon as I could saying that we couldn’t go and followed up with a text. We didn’t hear anything but assumed he hadn’t checked his phone.
The next day we got a text saying he was sorry that we couldn’t visit.
And that was it. So I sent a photo of my ankle with an ‘ouch’ emoji and his reply was to feel better soon.
He didn’t ring or send any other text.
For context I also have very serious health problems which are potentially life limiting.
I always have to get in touch with him and suggest ringing which I do every few weeks. There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch. We don’t get birthday cards and there have been many times without any presents or flowers either. We’ve never complained and just accept that he doesn’t bother. We always send cards and presents to him and his partner.
He is in his thirties and happily settled. They spend a lot of time with her parents (who we’ve never met after 10 years), go on holiday together, spend Christmas with them, stay for weekends. Her parents don’t live far from us but we still hardly ever see them and they often visit without seeing us.
As far as I know we have a good relationship, including with his partner. He has had some difficult periods whenwe have been very supportive and I have spent hours on the phone with him when he has needed me. Although now is doing really well in his career and personal life.
I have written to him about how we feel - in a very gentle, non confrontational way and he has said that he understands.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that he is being inconsiderate and avoiding us or is this a ‘boy’ thing?

OP posts:
oprahwindfuryy · 26/07/2021 12:41

It’s a nob head thing

Mindymomo · 26/07/2021 12:51

Maybe he feels embarrassed by his previous difficult periods. My husband hardly ever rang his Mum, it was always me ringing her and in return she would ring me.

Sparklesocks · 26/07/2021 12:53

It does sound quite shitty. Who doesn’t send their parents a bday card?

Wishingwell75 · 26/07/2021 13:22

Very difficult to comment without knowing all parties involved but as far as them spending time with her family - (and I appreciate how painful that must be for you) I would imagine that is down to your son's partner. In the sense that it's very normal for her to spend time with her parents and so your son is expected to accompany her.
My own exdh was similarly rubbish at keeping in touch with his parents and I remember one mortifying experience when his mum called round unexpectedly and had been there for over an hour when she revealed it was her birthday! I had no idea. From then on I took responsibility for cards and a lot of the communication but at times I did feel resentful of having to be the instigator but not because I didn't love my dpils, just because that was indicative of my exdh in general. I know he loved his parents very very much but also that he took them for granted. Sadly when they passed I know he had regrets.
I think if you want to progress the situation you may need to be more direct. You are obviously very respectful of your son which is great so either initially write to him or email asking if there is anything he would like to talk about that he may have been holding onto. If there really isn't then tell him how you would enjoy seeing a bit more of him. Maybe you could chat over zoom or do something different together now the world is opening back up (a bit!)
You mention your health, could this be an issue - is it hard for your son to see you in pain or unwell?
Finally, as painful as it is and also as unfair as it is, you may have to except that you will always have to be the one putting the effort in to maintain the relationship.
I could actually have written your post myself but in my case it's my Dad that doesn't bother with me. I mean it's great when we talk but I always have to be the one that initiates contact. This time it has been about 3 months but once it was almost a year. I thought, " right let's see how long it will take" but in the end I caved because nobody is immortal and you just don't know, do you? But it does hurt. I have come to the realisation that he won't change and because of type of person my Dad is I know an ultimatum is pointless but you probably can tell your son off if needed!😁
Wow, I wrote a lot, I really identified with your post OP and I hope with all my heart that things get better!

Chicchicchicchiclana · 26/07/2021 13:30

It sounds awful and so hurtful for you, I'm really sorry Flowers.

If you've written to him and he says "he understands" but that's it, is there anything else you can do? God my heart is actually hurting for you.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/07/2021 13:49

This sounds very hurtful for you Sad. Do you have any other children and does he keep in touch with them?

Unfortunately it sounds like this level of communication is all that he wants which is heartbreaking for you.

It could either be that he is self-absorbed and doesn't think about you much Sad, or his wife is controlling their lives or he is upset about some aspect of his upbringing.

It was brave of you to send that letter but as it hasn't changed anything I would either accept the situation or speak to him one to one in person and try to get to the bottom of it once and for all.

Freddiefox · 26/07/2021 13:57

There’s nothing it’s you can do.
You have tried your best but his not interested.
You can’t force a relationship if he doesn’t want one.
All you can do is develop relationships with other people in your life. If there are grandchildren involved you could go via the mum and asked about them and contact with them through her.

And just keep mines of communication open.

Iwonder08 · 26/07/2021 14:00

It is not a boy thing and I wouldn't jump on blaming his partner either. It is of course entirely possible he is a selfish bastard, but are you 100% sure with all your heart that he has absolutely no reason to distance himself from you?

toconclude · 26/07/2021 14:00

Hey, this is MN. It'll be your fault.

/ I don't think so, to be clear

toconclude · 26/07/2021 14:01

And lo and behold...

Freddiefox · 26/07/2021 14:03

@Iwonder08

It is not a boy thing and I wouldn't jump on blaming his partner either. It is of course entirely possible he is a selfish bastard, but are you 100% sure with all your heart that he has absolutely no reason to distance himself from you?
Where has the op blamed the partner?
Hbh17 · 26/07/2021 14:03

He is an adult & he is under no obligation to see his parents. If you are inviting yourselves to stay he might be horrified at how pushy you are. Might be best to try living your own life, and not through your children.

HollowTalk · 26/07/2021 14:03

It sounds as though his partner is incredibly selfish and he goes along with it. I can't imagine suggesting seeing my own family all the time when my partner didn't see theirs (when there'd been no falling out.)

I don't think you should play games, trying to wait until he calls etc. What happens if you just invite them to your house? He should've come anyway if you'd fallen and hurt yourself.

Katedanielshasakitty · 26/07/2021 14:04

Its not a boy thing no.

Its a 'your son' thing.

He days he understands but, what else?

I can't have just got your letter and said 'I understand' that makes no sense.

Did he apologise, agree to be in touch more?

Iloveacurry · 26/07/2021 14:06

I wonder how he would feel if you didn’t bother with his birthday?

starrynight87 · 26/07/2021 14:13

He sounds awful. Being a man doesn't excuse him for caring about his family.

ChainJane · 26/07/2021 14:15

There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch.

This is where you've gone wrong. By leaving it for 6 weeks before you contact him you are giving the impression that it's a normal timeframe for the two of you not to speak to each other. It will look like you're not that bothered if he doesn't get in touch.

The fact he gets on with his partner's parents and regularly sees them makes me wonder if there's a rift between you that you're not aware of. Maybe he feels you were a negative influence on him when he was growing up which means he things you are partly or completely to blame for his "difficult periods" as you put it. If this is the case he perhaps wants to keep you at arms length so that you can't drag him back down? i.e. He knows he's got his life sorted now, so why risk a damaging or hurtful influence. Things that may have seemed innocent or normal behaviour to you might have had a deep impact on him. I still remember times when my parents weren't as supportive as they could have been, scars don't always heal.

It's a bit rude not to at least send you a birthday card though.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/07/2021 14:15

It is common behaviour I hate to use the cliché "Son until they find wife" there is a lot of truth in it.
My OH rings weekly on a Sunday, I sometimes ask has he? he'll do it then.
He didn't organise anything for his DM's birthday either has dates wrong every year.
He loves his DM. Dbro very similar SIL always made the effort buying birthday and Christmas gifts on his behalf otherwise DM wouldn't have a gift.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/07/2021 14:17

The fact he gets on with his partner's parents and regularly sees them makes me wonder if there's a rift
Again this is common, no rifts in our family, men hang around DW family. DW organise and men follow.

Iwonder08 · 26/07/2021 14:21

I call my dad 3 times a week because I want to. I actively avoid speaking to my mum for as long as I can because of the things she did and they way she behaves. She would probably give a very different account to the story telling how I am inconsiderate, neglectful and a bad daughter and will passionately deny any wrongdoing on her side.
I am not saying the situation with OP's son is the same, but the fact he doesn't feel the need to speak to his mum for so long if not prompted/forced and he somehow manages to spend more time with his in-laws makes me wonder if there could be another explanation. It is certainly not normal to spend 2 months not talking to parents/children without a reason

NotAnotherPushyMum · 26/07/2021 14:22

My DH went through a period like this in his 30s, no major falling out, just wasn’t particularly close to his mum, and didn’t see the need to be in touch regularly. It’s improved in recent years but I’m not sure what has made the difference. He calls her every Sunday now and visits a couple of times a year.

MoreAloneTime · 26/07/2021 14:23

It's not ok because he's male and it's a poor way to treat you

PurBal · 26/07/2021 14:23

As someone who has a difficult relationship with their parent don’t assume that because you think you have a good relationship he does too. My mum could have written your post and whilst it all seems reasonable on the face of it the reality in my situation is different. My mum also wrote a “gentle” letter to my brother, in which she talked about herself and didn’t once acknowledge how my brother might feel. She has offered “an olive branch” which involves demanding my brother do certain things to apologise to and appease her. I’ve read the letter, it didn’t read as my mum thought it did, it was toxic. My mum also has jealousy around us seeing my MIL more, but that’s just the way it is (for a whole host of reasons) it’s not a slight. If your DS wants to see you then he will be in touch.

IonaLeg · 26/07/2021 14:24

It’s not a boy thing. But it is rubbish. I’m sorry Flowers I imagine it’s very hurtful and upsetting for you.

When he said he understood how you feel, did that come with any promise to change his behaviour? Or does he acknowledge it’s an issue and just not care?

Souther · 26/07/2021 14:25

I'm sorry.

It sounds like that's how he is. I'm glad your not putting any blame on his wife.

It's up to him to initiate contact with you not his wife. She obviously is closer to her family and so is probably booking things with them.

Unfortunately your son isnt doing the same.