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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my house guest is rather rude?

359 replies

dizzyrabbit · 25/07/2021 09:47

We went for a pub lunch yesterday which I ended up paying for. The bill came and he didn’t even bother to look at it. I paid it with my card expecting him to give me some cash towards it but nothing. Then we ordered a takeaway for dinner which we also ended up paying for. He didn’t even offer to contribute. He’s came a long way to visit but I can’t help but feel like it’s taking the mick. I want to say something but don’t know what. I’m too nice for my own good. Vent over.

OP posts:
LemonSwan · 25/07/2021 11:17

I would never expect guests to pay for anything if they came over. And that was true even when skint as fuck.

But what they would never do is suggest things to do and expect payment - like the cinema or to go to pub lunch.

So I suppose it depends who suggested the pub. Cheeky fucker for the cinema if they are expecting you to pay.

Viviennemary · 25/07/2021 11:17

If he's only there two nights you should feed him IMHO.

Raindancer411 · 25/07/2021 11:18

I would so as someone else said and ask if to book it and see what he says. If he then umms and awwww, kind of say ah well there isn't anything I fancy watching at the moment.

BronwenFrideswide · 25/07/2021 11:18

I know. I’m just awful at this. I’m socially awkward.

Unless you clearly communicate your expectations then you will forever feel resentful like you do now. This person is supposed to be a friend, you know them well enough to have them to stay in your home yet you feel unable to talk to them about this? What is the worst that could happen if you say something?

Find your voice and explain to him, clearly and politely, your expectations.

WallaceinAnderland · 25/07/2021 11:19

I don't know - you tell me why you can't say to your good friend 'How do you want to split the bill 50/50 ok with you?' or whatever. Why is it so hard to ask if they want to eat out or eat in, if they want a takeaway, etc. Don't you actually talk to them?

Original poster
dizzyrabbit · 25/07/2021 11:20

@Bettysnow

No this wouldn't sit right with me at all. If you were kind enough to let him stay then he should not expect you to have to foot the bill for his expenses. Home cooked meals yes anything else no. I wonder if you stayed with him would he reciprocate your generosity?
Absolutely not. He’s such a skint flint that he will remind you if you owe him a quid.. whereas I wouldn’t worry about an amount so small. That’s just the way he is which is fine but it should work both ways .
OP posts:
Original poster
dizzyrabbit · 25/07/2021 11:21

@BronwenFrideswide

I know. I’m just awful at this. I’m socially awkward.

Unless you clearly communicate your expectations then you will forever feel resentful like you do now. This person is supposed to be a friend, you know them well enough to have them to stay in your home yet you feel unable to talk to them about this? What is the worst that could happen if you say something?

Find your voice and explain to him, clearly and politely, your expectations.

I know it’s terrible. I hate feeling resentful like this. I must find my voice but it’s hard!
OP posts:
DomPom47 · 25/07/2021 11:22

If you have to explain basic manners to someone “when you are a guest you contribute and help out e.g with a meal or help with dishes or pick up some nice treats like chocolate and wine” then there’s no point - they are beyond help. Don’t invite/accept their request to come over again.

andyoldlabour · 25/07/2021 11:24

It isn't your fault OP, he is a CF. We have had DW's relations arrive (eleven at one time) and expect to be wined and dined, without bringing so much as a bottle of wine.

BronwenFrideswide · 25/07/2021 11:25

Absolutely not. He’s such a skint flint that he will remind you if you owe him a quid.. whereas I wouldn’t worry about an amount so small. That’s just the way he is which is fine but it should work both ways .

So make it work both ways then, behave like he does and if he complains remind him of the fact that he wouldn't do for you what he expects you to do for him. He's taking you for a mug and you are letting him.

Saidtoomuch · 25/07/2021 11:25

It might just be that he is awkward about offering money (I'm clutching at straws I know), but to alleviate his "embarrassment", tell him as an "oh, by the way" what the split was at the pub and ask him to ping it over. I always thought the etiquette was for the guest to treat the host to the meal out, as a thank you for their hospitality. Either that or a couple of decent bottles of wine!
If you don't want to be so direct, tell him you can't afford the cinema, as the meal out and take away has left you tight for the rest of the month. I would take this as a bit passive aggressive though, and always think a direct approach is better.

Summerfun54321 · 25/07/2021 11:28

If someone puts me up in their house I’d expect to be the one being more generous with restaurant meal payments etc. Not the way you’ve done it. He’s a massive CF for just sitting back and taking a hand out without even reaching for his wallet!

WallaceinAnderland · 25/07/2021 11:28

@andyoldlabour

It isn't your fault OP, he is a CF. We have had DW's relations arrive (eleven at one time) and expect to be wined and dined, without bringing so much as a bottle of wine.
Of course it's her fault. No-one made her pay, she chose to do that and then grumbled about it afterwards.

What's worse is that she knows he is a skinflint so is forewarned and still says nothing about it, goes off to dinner knowing that she will be the one to pay. And still she does it!

Oaktree55 · 25/07/2021 11:30

If he’s a guest why would you expect him to pay? You’re hosting. If he invited himself then that’s different but if hosting then obviously you should pay.

BronwenFrideswide · 25/07/2021 11:30

I know it’s terrible. I hate feeling resentful like this. I must find my voice but it’s hard!

The resentment will eat away at the friendship and destroy it anyway, find your voice and if he doesn't like what he hears and the friendship ends then you will have lost nothing. On the other hand he may well respect you more for speaking up and setting boundaries and you will have a better and more equal friendship, either way you will come out of this with more respect for yourself.

burnoutbabe · 25/07/2021 11:32

It really depends who suggested pub lunch out? If you suggested it then you would generally pay, he may have agreed to be polite. I assume he had travel costs?

If I visit my sister it cost £100 on the train. It costs her some food. It's to both our benefit to meet up (also saves het time of travel and more space at her house than mine) so her paying for lunch out makes sense and as a guest it would've rude to say "no I'd prefer you to provide food at home" so I'd have to agree to it anyway.

burnoutbabe · 25/07/2021 11:34

And there is a bid difference between meeting up as your friends or asking to stay as it's handy for an interview :airport.

In the first you aren't doing the other a favour by allowing them to stay.

nettie434 · 25/07/2021 11:36

I must find my voice but it’s hard!

I think lots of us are much better at this in theory than reality. Lots of people who are not naturally generous rely on us not finding our voice to get away with it. Paying for a meal out and a takeaway is the obvious way of saying thank you to your hosts. I think the suggestion of asking your friend to pay for cinema tickets and snacks is a good plan.

One of my friends has got a hilarious etiquette book from the 1930s. It's a bit like DomPom'47's post with more flowery language and reminders to send the hostess (most definitely the hostess, not the hosts) a thank you card. There so many threads about guest behaviour that I do wonder how people learn about these things, or if they know but choose to ignore them.

jackstini · 25/07/2021 11:41

Maybe just say 'do you want to pay for the cinema as I paid for the pub or do you want to just transfer the money?'
Then keep quiet and wait!
First time is always the hardest!

Has he stayed before, have you stayed with him, what usually happens?

Mirabella7 · 25/07/2021 11:42

Ideally he should have offered to pay, you would decline the offer but he would strongly insist saying how nice it is to stay with you, blah, blah,blah.Failing that he should have offered to contribute and then you would insisted on paying as the host.It’s all about good manners which mean making the other person feel happy and comfortable. However since your guest wasn’t very switched on and didn’t “play the game” you really have no choice but to grit your teeth and put up with it, it’s very difficult to say anything, just bare in mind for next time, either anticipate paying or don’t invite him.

faithfulbird20 · 25/07/2021 11:44

He probably thinks since you're hosting you'll pay and then if you ever go to his place he'll pay?

coodawoodashooda · 25/07/2021 11:45

I can't be friends with someone like that.

rainbowstardrops · 25/07/2021 11:45

If he's generally a skinflint then I'd have to say something. It would be different if he pulls out all the stops for you when you visit him but it doesn't sound like he does!

PrettyLittleFlies · 25/07/2021 11:51

Awkward situation.

You've been a lovely host and it isn't your fault that your guest has taken advantage of your hospitality.

Surely he wouldn't expect you to pay for the cinema though? It's not as if he's your child... (is he?!)

billy1966 · 25/07/2021 11:52

So you have invited a skin flint to stay?
Why are you surprised?

You know who he is.

He's mean.
You are a mug.
He knows this.

Flowers