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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my house guest is rather rude?

359 replies

dizzyrabbit · 25/07/2021 09:47

We went for a pub lunch yesterday which I ended up paying for. The bill came and he didn’t even bother to look at it. I paid it with my card expecting him to give me some cash towards it but nothing. Then we ordered a takeaway for dinner which we also ended up paying for. He didn’t even offer to contribute. He’s came a long way to visit but I can’t help but feel like it’s taking the mick. I want to say something but don’t know what. I’m too nice for my own good. Vent over.

OP posts:
Dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 25/07/2021 12:15

YABU if he is your guest. It wouldn't have hurt him to offer at least once though.

hellcatspangle · 25/07/2021 12:17

He doesn't sound like a very good friend to be honest - he sounds like a freeloader who's after a free weekend away.

I do agree with PP though - if he's a close enough friend to stay over, surely he's close enough for you to say "Cinema sounds great - tickets have to be pre booked - your turn to pay tonight!"

thriftyhen · 25/07/2021 12:17

I would never expect guests in our house to pay for anything, but then I would cook and not go out for a meal or get a takeaway.

WhatAShilohPitt · 25/07/2021 12:19

If he wants to go to the cinema, ask him to book it online. He’ll need to pay. If tries to find a way to get you to do it (and pay) then be blunt: ‘it’s your turn isn’t it, since we got the restaurant meal and takeaway?’ It’s your only option unless you want to be paying for the cinema too!

RampantIvy · 25/07/2021 12:23

Absolutely not. He’s such a skint flint that he will remind you if you owe him a quid.. whereas I wouldn’t worry about an amount so small. That’s just the way he is which is fine but it should work both ways

He behaves like this because he is allowed to get away with it.

When you went to the pub did you discuss beforehand how the bill was going to be split? Why did you assume he would pay his share, and why did he assume that you would pay?

You need better communication skills. You don’t need to be rude, just politely assertive. Don’t book the cinema tickets, and if your friend asks, just say that as you paid for the meal out perhaps he could book the tickets and pay for the cinema.

AhNowTed · 25/07/2021 12:24

What's the betting he showed up empty handed as well.

Howshouldibehave · 25/07/2021 12:25

@dizzyrabbit are you going to come and answer anyone’s questions as there are too many unknowns here to get any useful replies.

Did you invite him to stay or did he ask to come?
Who suggested the pub and the takeaway?
Has he been to stay before-what happened with money then?
Likewise, have you been to his and what happens there? What about when you generally go out?

If he’s a known skinflint though, you really shouldn’t have been surprised that he’s behaving like one and should either have had a plan or not invited him!

NotSorry · 25/07/2021 12:28

I voted YABU because there's no point seething, you need to say something, however awkward it is

ShortBacknSides · 25/07/2021 12:29

Has he spent a lot of money travelling to see you?

I wonder if this is part of it? I have friends a long way away, who are always badgering me to stay with them, and I do, as they live in an interesting place. But they never return the visit - it's always me to go to them.

On the other hand, when I stay, I do a grocery shop, and pay for dinner out or when we order in. And I always buy loads of wine, or take a very nice bottle of whisky (their preferred tipple).

Howshouldibehave · 25/07/2021 12:29

He’s such a skint flint that he will remind you if you owe him a quid.. whereas I wouldn’t worry about an amount so small. That’s just the way he is which is fine but it should work both ways

If he did that though, and always paid his fair share exactly to the pound, nobody would describe him as a skinflint, they’d say he was always precisely fair when it came to money!

You appear to be fully aware you have a skinflint as a friend but are strangely cross when he does skinflint things!

ddl1 · 25/07/2021 12:32

Maybe he's going to surprise you with a gift at the end, or reciprocate by having you to his house with all expenses paid? Otherwise, it's a bit rude- the cinema at any rate ought to be his treat to you.

PerciphonePuma · 25/07/2021 12:32

@ShadowInVain

Hmm, if he's your guest, it's really for you as the host to provide his meals.
Shock No, it REALLY ISN'T! Hmm

CoughCF ALERTCough

Bbtotum · 25/07/2021 12:35

Honestly just don’t have him again. It’s rude.

Had a friend who came to stay with kids a few times. Goes on about how skint she is. On the last visit she let me pay for everything again (outings/ food erc) and didn’t even bring some daffs. Whilst proudly telling me they’d just paid off the mortgage on their 500k house.

I realised as it was as she got idiots like me to pay for everything.

I’ve learnt my lesson (and ditched user friends).

A bottle of wine, thanks etc goes a long way. If staying at friends we take drinks, offer to pay for a takeaway etc as standard and pay our own way into attractions.

Anyusernameleft · 25/07/2021 12:38

Do as PP suggested, tell him to book online for 2/3 (however many there are) & if he asks you for any money then mention he owes you for last night also. Eat at home before you leave so you don't have to go near the snacks at the cinema. If he suggests eating out say you don't normally eat out (do takeaway) two nights in a row as it adds up & ye are tightening belts for new patio/bathroom/any excuse. It isn't on that he is a skin flint & then takes advantage himself.

WaterBottle123 · 25/07/2021 12:46

As the host, it's your job to provide meals. Lunch out and a takeaway in a single day is extravagant and if I were your guest I wouldn't be expecting to pay for food twice, I'd expect you to cook at least 1 meal.

I'd never expect a guest to pay for a takeaway. Lunch out, it would be polite if they offered but maybe they can't afford it and were hoping you'd offer up a sandwich at home!

Jux · 25/07/2021 12:51

"How kind taking us all to the cinema; we're really looking forward to it!"
"Have you booked the tickets for tonight, or are you doing it when we get there. We're so excited!"
"I do appreciate your taking us to the cinema, in return for staying with us, eating our food. It's nice not to feel taken advantage of. So many don't even think about it!"

AhNowTed · 25/07/2021 12:57

I would arrive with plenty of wine and pay for meals out and takeaways.

Some people really are just pisstakers.

coodawoodashooda · 25/07/2021 13:00

@Bbtotum

Honestly just don’t have him again. It’s rude.

Had a friend who came to stay with kids a few times. Goes on about how skint she is. On the last visit she let me pay for everything again (outings/ food erc) and didn’t even bring some daffs. Whilst proudly telling me they’d just paid off the mortgage on their 500k house.

I realised as it was as she got idiots like me to pay for everything.

I’ve learnt my lesson (and ditched user friends).

A bottle of wine, thanks etc goes a long way. If staying at friends we take drinks, offer to pay for a takeaway etc as standard and pay our own way into attractions.

Yep. I just got caught out in a similar situation.
SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 25/07/2021 13:09

Your guest has been with you just one night and already you've had one meal out and ax takeaway? Have you only done breakfasts at home then? I would expect to provide the majority of meals for guests so unless he asked to go out / get a takeaway I think YABU.

HollowTalk · 25/07/2021 13:10

Who suggested he came to stay?

Have you ever stayed with him? (I'm betting the answer to that is "No.")

How much would he have spent on travel?

Ledgeofglory · 25/07/2021 13:10

Tell him you can’t afford to pay for the cinema and see if he offers to treat you

Fifthtimelucky · 25/07/2021 13:13

Depends, I think.

We only have one sheet of friends that we stay with regularly. When we stay with them, they provide all the food. If they decide we will eat out rather than at home, they pay.

Similarly, when they come to us, I normally expect to provide the food. We tend not to go out but if we did I'd expect to pay.

However, I have just had them for 6 days (4 of us and 3 of them). I paid for the food we ate at home and for various activities. They brought lots of drink with them (they drink a lot more than we do), paid for one meal out, two takeaways and a cream tea.

All parties happy with the arrangement!

MrsDoctorDear · 25/07/2021 13:16

You are either a giver or a taker. He is a taker and is quite happy to be one.

Taker = CF.

EishetChayil · 25/07/2021 13:16

Why not just say "let's split this"? I am honestly perplexed as to why this would not be your first course of action.

MzHz · 25/07/2021 13:17

Re cinema- do NOTHING about it, no research (in front of him anyway, thanks to good to know what choices are filmwise)
No reservations nothing

He will ask about it, or better yet, ask HIM if he’s booked the tickets yet?

If (when) he says no, you say well given we’ve covered pub lunch and takeaway, he can sort the cinema

Oh and he won’t be coming again…