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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my house guest is rather rude?

359 replies

dizzyrabbit · 25/07/2021 09:47

We went for a pub lunch yesterday which I ended up paying for. The bill came and he didn’t even bother to look at it. I paid it with my card expecting him to give me some cash towards it but nothing. Then we ordered a takeaway for dinner which we also ended up paying for. He didn’t even offer to contribute. He’s came a long way to visit but I can’t help but feel like it’s taking the mick. I want to say something but don’t know what. I’m too nice for my own good. Vent over.

OP posts:

Madjakelmum · 26/07/2021 22:41

One word!!

MUG. !!!!

INeedNewShoes · 26/07/2021 23:01

If I was invited to stay with friends for a weekend it would put me in a difficult position if it transpired that every meal would be eaten out or takeaway while I was there. I can generally afford to eat out once every 3–4 weeks so a weekend of the host not providing any meals at home would be awkward. I would definitely offer to pay half if I could possibly afford it or, if I couldn't, I would have to explain which would be embarrassing.

If I have guests to stay, we might have one meal out over the course of their visit and I definitely wouldn't be expecting them to pay for me, but I definitely would hope they'd pay their share.

Often the person who has travelled will have paid twice the cost of a meal out to get to you.

Queenbee77 · 26/07/2021 23:20

If I invite a friend to stay-I pay! If a friend invite him/herself then I make the rules before they arrive. It depends how much money I have at the time. But if I invite myself to a friends house I would definately pay my way so to speak.Could you say...well we paid yesterday, today its your turn. ?

Insanelysilver · 26/07/2021 23:31

I’d not suggest eating out again and if he does then I’d say
No we don’t usually eat out that often.
Just cook whatever you usually cook.

Ferret27 · 27/07/2021 00:34

Completely rude .... I would have just paid your own half and the waiting staff would have then asked him to pay balance ... Staying at someone’s house is not a right to live off them ... You set your boundaries so it’s on you to just speak up and say ok let’s split the bill...if he can’t afford to eat out likewise when it was suggested he could say this ! Both sides need to learn to communicate surely?

Mamanyt · 27/07/2021 01:06

My rule of thumb is that if I am invited, I expect my meals to be provided. If I suggest the visit, I expect not only to pay my own way, but to treat my hosts at least once.

However, even when invited, I always ask what my portion of the bill is. Almost always, my hosts say, "No, we've got this," at which point I leave any tip.

HeronLanyon · 27/07/2021 08:30

When I’m a guest I take plenty of alcohol (if we are all drinkers), expect ‘house meals’ to be provided and pay for meals/other things out as a thank you. If no outings (short visit or whatever) then either return invites or thank you present on top of brought stuff. Would never expect everything to be provided. I also go for solo walks or sits in garden or drive out for papers etc to give some space to hosts - its exhausting having guests around ALL of the time.

Sheerdetermination · 27/07/2021 08:38

What silly and modest meals did you have there? Agree a host should treat a guest who’s travelled far.

Aprilx · 27/07/2021 09:16

@dizzyrabbit

UPDATE!! I asked the cf if he’d give me some money towards the cinema before he left this afternoon and he actually coughed up £25. I spent about forty on him but still better than nothing! Moral of story is don’t ask, don’t get. Saying that I still hate asking and think it should be offered!

How did his share of the the cinema cost £25 never mind £40? 😳

WombatChocolate · 27/07/2021 09:18

A key part of the problem here is that host didn’t ‘host’ and determine the programme of activities.

When friends stay, we play some activities and meals. We choose to eat in and that means we provide the meals but also control the costs. If we do out for day trips etc we discuss possibilities in advance with visitors and agree to pay our own way for those trips…but we only do them if everyone is happy with the cost. The same tends to apply to eating out. Often guests will offer to pay for a meal out as a ‘thank you’ and it depended on circumstances if we would accept or pay our way…ie length of visit and their financial position.

Communication, communication,communication!

Lack of it equals resentment and annoyance.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 27/07/2021 09:29

For many people going out for meals is almost a default treat but other people will be very reluctant to waste spend their money on such things. It really depends on priorities.

Ideally, you'd have disposable income to cover trips out (including the cinema), meals out and possibly some nice momentoes of the trip.

But I can think that if you have a predetermined budget, you might resent having to spend money on eating out when you'd expected to be eating in the host's home for free.

I have been to a friend's for a two-night stay with £100 disposable cash in the past (when living to a budget). Even without going out for a meal, it has always shocked me how quickly I've got through the money buying flowers for the host, wine to drink in, a round of drinks etc.

Yorkshiretolondon · 27/07/2021 09:54

He’s staying for 2 nights and one of them he wants to go to the cinema??!!!!! Let him go on his own. That’s weird. AND certainly don’t pay!

Stilsmiling · 27/07/2021 10:51

If you usually split bills when meeting at a venue halfway between you both maybe his expectation was that when staying at your house you were paying and if you go to stay with him that he would pay for entertainment/meals out?

Maybe he might cook if you were staying with him if he has a tendency to be a bit tight but his understanding might be that whoever is hosting pays? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dillydollydingdong · 27/07/2021 11:23

Why aren't you saying anything? You need to say it's his turn to pay! Has the cat got your tongue?

ShortBacknSides · 27/07/2021 11:37

I don’t enjoy cooking for others. Call me a bad host if you want. I don’t care.

Oh dear.

So you expected him to pay for meals because you don't enjoy cooking for others. Hmmmm. I'm seeing a different side to this.

He took on the cost of travelling to see you, presumably you enjoy his company. He's single, you are a couple (I think this does make a financial difference for many people). But you decided to eat out/take away a lot because you don't enjoy cooking and now you're complaining he's tight with money ...?

MakeMathsFun · 27/07/2021 12:50

Go out for another meal with the guest, but 'accidentally' leave your wallet and phone at home. If your guest says, "I'll get it. Its my turn anyway", then all is good and fine. Any comment to the contrary (or silence) means you definitely have Mr Stingy in your house. If this happens, say its his turn and potentially consider saying goodbye forever.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 27/07/2021 13:41

I don't think you can expect a guest to pay for meals out though if you're only eating out because you don't want to cook!!! That entirely alters the focus of your 'complaint' and technically I'd say YABU.

woodhill · 27/07/2021 14:40

Yes I think you should do some meals if you are hosting or let guests make something perhaps.

You can do easy stuff

starlight13 · 27/07/2021 15:46

Assumption and no respect or consideration on his part. Friendship finished in my opinion. Sounds as though he's not a great one anyway if you believe him to be weird.
Move on, plenty of lovely new friends who will give you repsect out there.

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 27/07/2021 16:18

YABU. The fact that you decided to go out because you didn’t fancy cooking changes things a lot. Your decision to go out, so you can’t complain about your guest not offering to pay. He’s made the effort to come and visit you and you come on here slagging him off. Fine friend you are. I expect there’s more to the cinema story that you’re not telling us too.

RampantIvy · 27/07/2021 16:25

YABU. The fact that you decided to go out because you didn’t fancy cooking changes things a lot.

I agree. When I visit friends or family I don't expect to eat out or eat takeaways the whole time I am there. I would be taken aback at being expected to pay for my own meals after having been invited to someone's house.

Why couldn't you have done something simple like pasta with tomato sauce, or pasta with pesto, or even some ready meals?

Original poster

dizzyrabbit · 27/07/2021 16:45

@RampantIvy

YABU. The fact that you decided to go out because you didn’t fancy cooking changes things a lot.

Why couldn't you have done something simple like pasta with tomato sauce, or pasta with pesto, or even some ready meals?

He wanted to go out to lunch and he wanted to get a takeaway. Never any hesitation on his part.

OP posts:

BlaBlaSmthSmth · 27/07/2021 18:30

Yeah TBH I've read through and I was with you OP until the bit about you suggesting eating out because you don't like cooking for people. You say he didn't mind but you were the one who suggested it and it's your house so he's not exactly going to say 'no thanks you cook' is he.

If I'd travelled to see a friend and they decided they'd rather eat out I'd be a bit put out after the expense of travel and would resent having to pay for expensive meals. He was possibly thinking you were the CF 😅 ..then to come on here and slag him off, I don't know OP!

RampantIvy · 27/07/2021 18:34

He wanted to go out to lunch and he wanted to get a takeaway. Never any hesitation on his part.

In that case he is a CF, and you need to learn how to be a bit more assertive. You could have said "fine, shall we split the bill?" before going out to eat, and before ordering the takeaway.

It really isn't rude, and it really isn't difficult.

Original poster

dizzyrabbit · 27/07/2021 18:47

He also did a poo in my en-suite bathroom.

OP posts:

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