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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my house guest is rather rude?

359 replies

dizzyrabbit · 25/07/2021 09:47

We went for a pub lunch yesterday which I ended up paying for. The bill came and he didn’t even bother to look at it. I paid it with my card expecting him to give me some cash towards it but nothing. Then we ordered a takeaway for dinner which we also ended up paying for. He didn’t even offer to contribute. He’s came a long way to visit but I can’t help but feel like it’s taking the mick. I want to say something but don’t know what. I’m too nice for my own good. Vent over.

OP posts:
Iwtwab12bow · 26/07/2021 19:07

We went to France with our two children. We are teachers and had an exhausting year. We hired a largish house with a big pool. Some French friends said they might join us for one night on their way to Switzerland. We had just arrived, hot ,dusty and we had bought a few barbecue things. The French turned up,with 3 children, took one look at the pool and decided they would stay longer. I cooked,made drinks

Funk2funky · 26/07/2021 19:09

I could never be friends with a really tight person! Irritating

Iwtwab12bow · 26/07/2021 19:10

And ran around, in the end l was exasperated as all they did was criticise. I plucked up courage and asked " erm what time are you going home tomorrow. We never heard from them again.

Mumofsons87 · 26/07/2021 19:17

Did you invite him to come and visit or did he ask to come? I think whether you are being unreasonable really depends on that.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 26/07/2021 19:27

What job does the guest do, OP? Just wondering if you're rich and he's poor and he is just assuming you'd have no issue paying for him? I have to say that if I wasn't well off, I'd be a bit annoyed with having to pay for eating three meals out/takeaways over the course of a weekend. The cinema is an entirely different matter and if he'd not stumped up money for food, he should reasonably have expected to treat you to a trip to watch a film!

Sometimes trips away can coincide with when you're not flush. So it's possible he may have had a very limited budget but was too ashamed to admit that he couldn't afford what you'd assumed he should have been able to afford.

sheridanstar · 26/07/2021 19:30

If you paid £20 for his meal and never see him again, it was probably money well spent.

Howshouldibehave · 26/07/2021 19:31

I think this is all bizarre. You’ve invited someone to stay, started a thread about how he’s not contributed and how you feel he’s taken the piss, but despite most posters telling you to stop paying for him and to do meals at home, you’ve continued to eat out and pay for him?!

catwhite1 · 26/07/2021 19:31

Depends if you invited him. If I invited someone to mine then I wouldn’t expect them to get their own food. It should be discussed beforehand really so as to avoid any confusion and awkwardness. If it was decided by yourself alone to go out for dinner then I feel it’s fair for you to pay. If it was a mutual agreement then can split the bill. I think any discussion over going out for dinner I would’ve said “you’re welcome to stay at mine” or “id love you to come and stay. We might book for dinner Saturday night we can split the bill or you can just pay for what you have if that’s ok with you. If not we can just stay at mine. What do you think?…” I feel a lot of people just assume or expect that someone will behave a certain way. Maybe they are short of money or maybe have a different opinion as to how they feel things should be done or even simply just not even realised.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 26/07/2021 19:35

We go to stay with friends the other end of the country once or twice a year. Our standard formula that we all seem happy with is that we bring plenty of alcohol and pay for the takeaway on the first night. I will often pop to Tesco and buy some extra bits too, lunch things for the kids etc. They pay for BBQ stuff for the second day, anything else is split (entrance fees etc).
We're travelling to get there but they're putting us up so that part is even in my head. Our house isn't big enough to accommodate everyone so can't reciprocate.

ElleMac44 · 26/07/2021 20:14

I would pay for his food, if I cooked then I wouldn't expect him to pay for my home cooking, if he wants to do something else like the cinema, then he pays for himself, but food is included in his stay, that's what I do.

ellyeth · 26/07/2021 20:14

Everybody has a different way of doing things.

Sometimes it feels like people are taking advantage. We have friends who come from abroad who never seem to pay for anything when they come here and yet we go there only once every ten years or so. They also stay with other friends in various European countries and it occurs to me that they are, to some extent, freeloading because, again, their other friends rarely go to their country.

Generally, we are quite relaxed about paying for guests, whether we go to them or they come to us. We are a bit better off than some of them and don't mind this as they usually offer to pay something. It is when somebody NEVER offers, that I start to think things are a bit unbalanced.

In your particular case, if we had invited friends to stay, I would expect to either cook a meal or go out for a meal and pay for it. I think perhaps I would have thought it nice for your guest to at least offer to pay for the takeaway. Since the cinema is his suggestion, I think he should pay. I would be too embarrassed to ask for a contribution but I would not be too happy to host someone who never seemed to put their hand in their pocket.

Annieconn · 26/07/2021 20:15

He should be paying for your meals out as he is staying free with you. Hope he brought goodies with him, at least?

Palava57 · 26/07/2021 20:31

A good guest brings a gift for the host, offers to help eg with meal prep or washing up (even if refused) and ideally takes the host out do dinner as a thank you. Apart from the last one, none of these cost much or anything - they are just good manners.

I wouldn’t invite this person to stay again.

Iflyaway · 26/07/2021 20:40

Hmm, if he's your guest, it's really for you as the host to provide his meals.

Really?!

At home, yes, but going out for a meal I would pick up the bill as a thank you for hosting me!

Lots of users in this world. In my "maturity" I have become quite blunt about calling it out. Or just let the friendship sizzle out.

Tusue · 26/07/2021 20:45

I agree with the others he’s a CF ,if he wants to go and he suggested it then I’d say “your treat eh “ and make it plain he’s expected to pay for this evenings outing.

user47000000000 · 26/07/2021 20:48

DHs bro does this. I hate it, turns up for Xmas every year with not even a bottle of wine and eats and drinks for 5 solid days. I know it’s on us as he’s coming to us but I think it’s a cheek to bring literally nothing and quaff through nice wine every night Angry

Sheerdetermination · 26/07/2021 20:56

I would cook for a guest.

Flossatops · 26/07/2021 21:12

I take it "always a bit weird with money" means 'mean', so you were perhaps aware that this could happen? As it's only for 2 nights, I probably wouldn't say anything, but I'd keep my distance from now on. I can't bear 'takers'; their sheer nerve baffles me. We've all put up with them at times in our lives, mainly when we're young and naive, but I avoid such people like the plague now I'm older. As my mother used to say: "People take kindness for stupidity".

mumsyme2 · 26/07/2021 21:13

I've had this situation and not only have I not had that guest return, but I distanced the relationship. Im a big believer in generosity in friendship. A person who takes, but doesn't give when they have the opportunity, is not going to learn that lesson. I've been in situations where I couldn't afford to give as generously as I wanted, but I've still made the effort.

Twinsmummy1812 · 26/07/2021 21:20

@Iwtwab12bow

We went to France with our two children. We are teachers and had an exhausting year. We hired a largish house with a big pool. Some French friends said they might join us for one night on their way to Switzerland. We had just arrived, hot ,dusty and we had bought a few barbecue things. The French turned up,with 3 children, took one look at the pool and decided they would stay longer. I cooked,made drinks
What happened next? !
DGFB · 26/07/2021 21:22

I would have paid for the takeaway as that’s in my hole and I could have cooked. But I’d have expected to split the bill in the pub

DGFB · 26/07/2021 21:22

Home

Colstina · 26/07/2021 21:49

No way he should be paying his fair share , at least offering ! We go and stay with our friends and if we went out I would NEVER expect them to pay . If anything id offer to pay for at least one meal as the guest as a thank you for letting me stay - people are cheeky !

Helena39 · 26/07/2021 22:13

A few weeks ago we have been invited by some friends to stay at their place for a weekend. They live 280 miles away. Got there and had the worst weekend ever. They provided very little food and got offended when we offered to get a takeaway (and pay for it, obviously). Went out for drinks, we paid. Insisted on taking them out for dinner “as a thank you” for the free accommodation. In all honesty another very silly and modest meal would have made me very grumpy.
The thing is they are very well off but just crap hosts. They simply have no idea how to do it. And they insisted on us going to see them.
In the end we said “never again”. If we ever go again to their area, we will stay in a hotel and meet up with them just for drinks.
When they came over to see us, we went above and beyond especially because they were both on a strange diet (gluten, sugar, carbs, lactose, etc free). Spent a fortune to provide 3 course meals cooked only with organic products respecting their silly diet. Treated them like royalty and he actually said “God, you are just good hosts!”
Sorry if this is maybe a bit off topic.

Dailywalk · 26/07/2021 22:17

Perhaps he’s planning to leave some cash behind as his share?