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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DDs ‘secret’ boyfriend

131 replies

befall0 · 25/07/2021 09:24

My DD is 14, almost 15. My DH is very against her having a boyfriend. I did suspect she had a boyfriend though. A few weeks ago, she came back from school and had a boys name written on her hand, I didn't say anything but my DH noticed and asked her who x was, DD said she didn't know and that her friend dared her to have a random boys name written on her hand. Yesterday, she told me she was going out with ‘chloe’ and her sister was picking DD up. I did see her get picked up but I noticed a boy was also in the car, about DDs age. I didn't think anything of it.

When DD got back, I could smell a boys aftershave on her so I spoke to her and she admitted she does have a boyfriend and it was the boy in the car.

I have no idea why DH is so against her having a boyfriend. Any advice will appreciated

OP posts:

Sittingonabench · 25/07/2021 11:16

Your husband has a particular view of how this works but he doesn’t have the female experience of relationships. Could you speak to him and explain the benefits of the early experience of relationships? That this is the time that girls learn how to put boundaries in place, and learn to distinguish between what they want and the pressure to please others. By the time she is 18 and “old” enough to date in his eyes, she needs to have learned this as the pressure is so much more and the tactics that can be used against women are much more aggressive. Obviously the normal getting to know the boy and his attitude towards your daughter is important too but there are dangers in arbitrary age restrictions.

DanniDuck · 25/07/2021 11:17

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DanniDuck · 25/07/2021 11:18

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Notimeforaname · 25/07/2021 11:21

Just to echo what honeylulu said.
I had the same type of set up and I was left in vulnerable situations because the guys were 'secret'. I was wrong or bad to have a boyfriend.
.
Looking back now it was horrendous.
I was once beaten up by a guy. A year later I told my dad because the guy was still withholding some of my stuff. He immediately acted all protective..went and got my stuff. Got in a fight with the guy ''dont you ever touch MY daughter'' blah blah blah.
And just last year,in an argument,my dad said to me (in my 30s) ''you were always a liar back then, getting into trouble and making me clean up your messes'' wow. Just wow. He truly cant see where he went wrong.
Dont know whats wrong with men.

Bananarice · 25/07/2021 11:22

The first thing I would do is talk to my dd. Revising the rules of consent, sexting and different contraception. I wouldn't just say there are different contraception available, but actually naming them and make sure to remind her, that in case her first choice of contraception doesn't agree with her for any reason, then she can switch. And there is nothing wrong with that.

She don't need to be sexually active to have the above conversation.

KurtWilde · 25/07/2021 11:23

Why does your husband get the final say over your daughter?

thenewduchessofhastings · 25/07/2021 11:25

And this is how women end up in relationships with controlling men.

It's teaching your DD that has she has no right to her own mind&body,it's teaching her toxic masculinity is okay,it's teaching her men can dictate to women what they can and can't do.

She's nearly 15,nearly 15 year old girls can have boyfriends and not be sexually active.I had a boyfriend at that age,we definitely weren't sexually active;snogging was as far as it went.

When is she allowed a boyfriend?;16?,18?,never?

Your DH is a twat.

Notimeforaname · 25/07/2021 11:27

And this is how women end up in relationships with controlling men

It's teaching your DD that has she has no right to her own mind&body,it's teaching her toxic masculinity is okay,it's teaching her men can dictate to women what they can and can't do

I couldn't agree more. Great post.

Flowers500 · 25/07/2021 11:29

Your idiot of a husband couldn’t be doing a worse job at this, he needs to grow up. If you were to write a plan of how to ensure she got knocked up at 16, this would be it. He’s an idiot and coming across as sexist and insulting too.

VeganVeal · 25/07/2021 11:29

DH will remember what he was like at that age and trying to protect DD. Have you had a discussion with her about safe sex?

PrettyLittleFlies · 25/07/2021 11:29

Sounds like you need a new boyfriend too OP, the current one is stuck in the '50s

spotcheck · 25/07/2021 11:31

The great thing about allowing your child to have a boyfriend at that age is that you can meet him. You can have open discussions about behaviour and expectations.

Put your foot down, and invite the boyfriend over

Calmyertits · 25/07/2021 11:32

I started going out with a boy when i was 15, were still together 15years later with 2 kids. At least shell open up to you but unless he follows her around everywhere he cant stop her and to be honest, it would of made me rebel more against him at that age. Just explain safety to her and that she has a right to say no. Trust her and let her make her own mistakes. Teenage heart breaks are part of growing up and your dh needs to understand he cant control that.

Notimeforaname · 25/07/2021 11:33

I did have my first boyfriend at 14. My mother found out, never said much just ''your father doesnt need to know or...dont wave it in his face ''
My mother always seemed embarrassed or uninterested in talkin about teenage boyfriends. So it was made out it had to be secret or ther would be trouble/awkwardness.

So strange now looking back.
It was all wrong and this was like...2003 ish. So not a million years ago..

Cuddlyrottweiler · 25/07/2021 11:36

I find it really creepy when men try to stop their daughters (or vice versa) having relationships. He's being ridiculous and you need to tell him it's his choice to feel uncomfortable with it but he can't stop her having a relationship.

33feethighandrising · 25/07/2021 11:40

He is putting your DD at risk by forcing her to keep it a secret. It means she won't come to you if she needs help, which means she's more at risk of making bad decisions or getting stuck in an abusive relationship.

Please tell your daughter that it's fine that she has a BF and she can talk to you about him. That your DH has an issue with it and that's his problem, he is wrong.

Then stand up for your DD and tell your DH he cannot control her like this.

DumplingsAndStew · 25/07/2021 11:40

You sure it wasn't Oliver/Olivia?

cansu · 25/07/2021 11:41

You need to explain to him that it isn't his decision. She will have boyfriends. He will dislike them no doubt but that is tough shit. Honestly, you need to start standing up for your daughter. Tell her it is fine for her to have a boyfriend and from now on he is no longer a secret. Tell your husband to get a grip.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 25/07/2021 11:41

"My DH is very against her having a boyfriend.".

Well he can "be against it" all he likes but it's not in "the things you can enforce as a parent" handbook for an about to be 15 YO who's going through puberty and is at a normal age to start wanting to date. What exactly would her punishment be for having a boyfriend? He is BsoU that her not telling you is understandable. What was he doing at 15, quietly doing his homework and didn't date until his mum and dad told him he could at 25?

Your DD needs you both to guide her through her teenage years being open about sex, contraception, consent and what shes feeling. She doesn't need her dad to make her feel like shes too young to be doing something that teenagers have been doing for millennia, and thinking that she cant tell you because her dad doesn't like it.

Would he be doing this if it was a DS not a DD?

You need to talk to your DD and tell her she doesnt have to hide this from you, so that when she really does need you she knows she can talk to you, and tall to your DH and tell him he's BU, and that if he keeps thinking he should get a say in when his teenage daughter wants to date a boy that you won't be telling him when she is either because you dont want her to not tell you and not have someone who is actually going to parent her through the start of relationships and sex in the future. Because that's what you have to do with a teenager. Because if you dont, and just think you not wanting them to do something is going to make them not do it, you cant then be surprised when they try to do it all by themselves and get pregnant at 16 or whatever.

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/07/2021 11:56

@33feethighandrising

Please tell your daughter that it's fine that she has a BF and she can talk to you about him. That your DH has an issue with it and that's his problem, he is wrong.

Then stand up for your DD and tell your DH he cannot control her like this.

This! Stand up for your DD op, and yourself - his attitude sucks and you should not be tolerating it, and indeed colluding with it

CrazyNeighbour · 25/07/2021 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverRoe · 25/07/2021 12:33

@thenewduchessofhastings

And this is how women end up in relationships with controlling men.

It's teaching your DD that has she has no right to her own mind&body,it's teaching her toxic masculinity is okay,it's teaching her men can dictate to women what they can and can't do.

She's nearly 15,nearly 15 year old girls can have boyfriends and not be sexually active.I had a boyfriend at that age,we definitely weren't sexually active;snogging was as far as it went.

When is she allowed a boyfriend?;16?,18?,never?

Your DH is a twat.

Also agreed with this excellent post. You and your husband have a great opportunity to talk to her about healthy relationships now she is beginning to explore them - which is totally natural at her age. Openness and communication, supporting her and being there for her so she can ask advice if she needs to should be your goal!

Ask your husband if he would prefer her to be secretive and get up to god knows what, while believing the man has the final say over her love life or to trust him and you to be there for her as she starts to experience relationships.

TatianaBis · 25/07/2021 12:34

@befall0

I'm fine with her having a boyfriend and I never agreed with DH and I've told him that but he said it's my choice not to agree with him but she can't have a boyfriend

So you said “it’s fine for you to disagree but she can have a bf”.

CutePanda · 25/07/2021 12:34

You need to have a heart to heart with your Dd. Tell her you don’t mind her having a bf as long as he’s the same age as her and doesn’t emotionally manipulate/peer pressure her into doing anything she isn’t ready for. Also tell her that she doesn’t have to keep her bf as a secret.

TatianaBis · 25/07/2021 12:35

Are you from a culture where women and their bodies are heavily policed?

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