DDs ‘secret’ boyfriend

[befall0]

My DD is 14, almost 15. My DH is very against her having a boyfriend. I did suspect she had a boyfriend though. A few weeks ago, she came back from school and had a boys name written on her hand, I didn't say anything but my DH noticed and asked her who x was, DD said she didn't know and that her friend dared her to have a random boys name written on her hand. Yesterday, she told me she was going out with ‘chloe’ and her sister was picking DD up. I did see her get picked up but I noticed a boy was also in the car, about DDs age. I didn't think anything of it.

When DD got back, I could smell a boys aftershave on her so I spoke to her and she admitted she does have a boyfriend and it was the boy in the car.

I have no idea why DH is so against her having a boyfriend. Any advice will appreciated

[blobblob]

How old is the boyfriend?

[Pissinthepottyplease]

@befall0

Yes. I have spoken to DD about safe sex and consent etc. I think DH can be a bit controlling as he doesn't let DD be friends with boys either (she is though!). I have no idea why he's like this, and I dread DD2 being a teenager as he will probably be the same.

Your DH is telling your teenagers that their sexuality is wrong and is pushing them away. I’ve just read a thread in elderly parents written by a now adult who was in a similar position to your daughter. It’s worth reading OP.

[Notimeforaname]

Yea he's really weird,toxic..controlling. how fucking weird is that to say his daughter cant be around other males...friends or boyfriends. He had to be unhinged.

[sfeirical]

Your DH is really weird.

[Inastatus]

@timeisnotaline

I'm fine with her having a boyfriend and I never agreed with DH and I've told him that but he said it's my choice not to agree with him but she can't have a boyfriend hmm
Umm did you say: it’s your choice not to agree with me but she can have a boyfriend. So glad we had this chat where you demonstrated you don’t care what I think so I guess now I can only ignore you in return. Imagine how different this would be if you could behave -and treat me- like an adult in a mutual relationship. Anyway off to tell dd she can have a boyfriend but we won’t tell you about them.

@timeisnotaline - well put! OP, you should definitely have this conversation with your DH.

[Doingtheboxerbeat]

I can see my DB being like this when the time comes and for him it will all be projection because he was a womanising asshat.

[NormanStangerson]

So OP, you’re finally conceding that he does show controlling behaviours…

Does he extend these attempts to limit and control to your activities, too? Would he pester you on the phone for example, if you went on a night out with your female friends? Would he be relaxed if you were chummy with a male colleague?

[Peregrina]

I think 14 is too young to have a steady boyfriend. Your DH is right. It's a protection issue. Teenage pregnancy. And having sex too young can lead to promiscuity.

I had a steady boyfriend at 13. He was 14. Like others who had boyfriends young, it was mostly a bit of kissing and cuddling, plus bike rides and playing records or chess or board games. We had split up before either of us was ready for sex. So it didn't lead to teenage pregnancy or promiscuity. Being welcomed into each other's homes and for both of us and both sets of parents to get to know each other was valuable. In short it depends on the girl and boy in question, but it does sound as though the DD wants to be open about it.

We both went on to marry other people, but still kept in touch as friends, until he died young. I am 70 now, BTW.

[OvertiredandConfused]

My DD is almost 20. She’s never had a serious boyfriend but she has lots of friends who are boys and her friendship group throughout secondary school was a mixed group. I thought that was fabulous and really helped develop healthy relationships. They all look out for each other and they all have someone of the opposite sex to talk to to get a different perspective.

You really need to work out why your DH is behaving like this. It’s not okay and he needs to realise that and you need to make sure you facilitate your DD developing normal, healthy relationships.

[LolitaIsNotRomantic]

How toxic! This will be very stressful for her. If the boy in question is her age and there are no red flags, she should be able to open up to you both for guidance. I'm finding this very sad.
At her age, I was groomed by an older man. I kept it a secret of course. I remember clearly how the secrecy itself, the sneaking around was an issue (one among many worse issues, but it was definitely a burden in and of itself).

[DoTheNextRightThing]

He won't let her be friends with boys??? Christ alive. Why didn't you just send her to an all girls school where she'll never see another boy? Or maybe a convent?

[toocold54]

You need to tell your DH that he doesn’t get to decide that and you are saying she can have a boyfriend/be friends with boys.

Not only because it’s absolutely normal to have friends that are boys and boyfriends but also because the more strict you are the more she is going to rebel and do these things behind your back.

[gogohm]

Unfortunately his attitude is likely to make the concept of a boyfriend even more appealing. He's far from alone and it can drive young women to want to move away, ruining futures etc. There's a happy medium though, at that age encourage a wide friendship group rather than just seeing boyfriend and no overnights until 16/17 is reasonable, encourage to be a strong independent young woman etc.

[timeisnotaline]

I'm fine with her having a boyfriend and I never agreed with DH and I've told him that but he said it's my choice not to agree with him but she can't have a boyfriend hmm
Umm did you say: it’s your choice not to agree with me but she can have a boyfriend. So glad we had this chat where you demonstrated you don’t care what I think so I guess now I can only ignore you in return. Imagine how different this would be if you could behave -and treat me- like an adult in a mutual relationship. Anyway off to tell dd she can have a boyfriend but we won’t tell you about them.

[luckylavender]

Your poor DD. You need to step up & advocate for her.

[alloverthecarpetagain]

If your poor DD is pushed into a situation where she has to tell lies to get a normal life, it won't end well. When I was a teen we were all telling lies to our parents as we knew they would disapprove of any little thing we were doing and once you start lying, it's surprisingly easy to carry on.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

Yeah, that's not a healthy dynamic at all, and your husband will irreparably damage his relationship with his children if he continues to act this way. You need to have a conversation with him about your daughters, and the fact that they are people in their own right who should be able to live their lives as they see fit. It's very mysogynistic of him to assume because he is a male he gets to decide what a female does with her life!

Do you have any sons? It would be interesting to see how he feels about them dating - I'd like to bet he has a different attitude towards that

[SilverRoe]

@befall0

Yes. I have spoken to DD about safe sex and consent etc. I think DH can be a bit controlling as he doesn't let DD be friends with boys either (she is though!). I have no idea why he's like this, and I dread DD2 being a teenager as he will probably be the same.

This is so odd and passive - i don’t understand why you’re talking as though it’s just how it is - essentially going along with it. He even says she can’t have male friends?

Honestly it’s shocking you don’t seem to be challenging this more robustly.

[KurtWilde]

OP your DH IS controlling. I'm still confused as to why he gets the final say when your DD has 2 parents??

[godmum56]

@befall0

Yes. I have spoken to DD about safe sex and consent etc. I think DH can be a bit controlling as he doesn't let DD be friends with boys either (she is though!). I have no idea why he's like this, and I dread DD2 being a teenager as he will probably be the same.

"I have no idea why he is like this"

Don't you think you need to find out?

[Tibtab]

Ha, I had a secret boyfriend when I was 15 because my Dad was a controlling twat like your DH. Just means she won’t come to you for advice. It’s really sad when men don’t see their daughters as people with their own feelings.
My brothers could do what they liked but I was told I couldn’t do things because I was a girl.

[TalkingtoLangClegintheDark]

@befall0

I'm fine with her having a boyfriend and I never agreed with DH and I've told him that but he said it's my choice not to agree with him but she can't have a boyfriend

So he gets to make the final decision.

Why?

Why does what he thinks carry more weight than what you think?

[Regularsizedrudy]

She has a secret boyfriend because your husband is a controlling prick who won’t let his teenager dd have a normal life. He is the one you need to talk to not her. But I guess that’s too difficult for you to face up to.

[MyriadeOfThings]

I think DH can be a bit controlling as he doesn't let DD be friends with boys either (she is though!).

two things there:

1- he IS controlling. H ecan't tell his dd who to be friends with.
2- he is naive if he thinks that girls aren't friends with boys (or boys arent friends with girls).

Wo sounding negative, it sound slike he is thinking abiout how HE behaved as a teenage boy and wants to avoid to see his dd having to deal wioth boys like himslef tbh. In particular the fact he doesnt her to be friends with bouys, makes me think he doesnt think boys and girls can be friends and that boys will only be friends with a girls with a goal - for them to become a gf.

[TatianaBis]

So you need to talk to your DH as much as to DD. Find out why he’s like this and talk him through DD’s right to her own life.