DDs ‘secret’ boyfriend

[befall0]

My DD is 14, almost 15. My DH is very against her having a boyfriend. I did suspect she had a boyfriend though. A few weeks ago, she came back from school and had a boys name written on her hand, I didn't say anything but my DH noticed and asked her who x was, DD said she didn't know and that her friend dared her to have a random boys name written on her hand. Yesterday, she told me she was going out with ‘chloe’ and her sister was picking DD up. I did see her get picked up but I noticed a boy was also in the car, about DDs age. I didn't think anything of it.

When DD got back, I could smell a boys aftershave on her so I spoke to her and she admitted she does have a boyfriend and it was the boy in the car.

I have no idea why DH is so against her having a boyfriend. Any advice will appreciated

[ikeepseeingit]

Stick up for your daughter AND yourself! Your husband has laid down the law like he's in charge of you as well. He's just told you the same thing my mother used to tell me as a child, ' You're allowed an opinion, but it's my decision, and I'm in charge.' 14 is very very normal to get a boyfriend. I had a steady boyfriend from 15 and didn't have sex with him until I was nearly 18. Boyfriend does not mean sex, it's an excellent way for teenagers to figure out how they want to be treated and how they need to communicate in a long-term relationship, all extremely important things in adult life. This will give her a complex and shut her communication down between you both.

[newnortherner111]

I totally understand not wanting DD to have sex, or be in a controlling relationship, but a simple ban is not the answer.

[Whiskycav]

@Viviennemary

I think 14 is too young to have a steady boyfriend. Your DH is right. It's a protection issue. Teenage pregnancy. And having sex too young can lead to promiscuity.

Plenty of girls get pregnant, to people who aren't their steady boyfriend.

Do you really believe that banning anyone from having a boyfriend under 16, would immediately stop teenage pregnancy?

What do you mean having a boyfriend can lead to promiscuity? I assume you have some proof that people who have a steady boy/girlfriend makes someone more promiscuous?

And what do you mean by promiscuous? Do you believe women who enjoy sex, are less than?

[amylou8]

If my dad had tried to control me like this at 15 I'd have been packing my bags at 16.

[Funnylittlefloozie]

Problem is, if she is hiding this boy from you, you won't know important things about him like his name, where he lives, what his family is like....etc. if anything goes wrong, she won't be able to come and tell you, because she wasn't meant to be seeing him anyway. Better to be open (and mildly disapproving) than allowing things to happen in secret.

[blissfulllife]

I hid a boyfriend at that age, I also hid the fact I'd got pregnant till I was 7 months aged 16. She needs to be able to be honest with you both

[ComDummings]

I think men who are so against their ‘little princesses’ having boyfriends are that way due to guilt, they treat or used to treat women and girls like shit so they’re worried. Judging other men by their own standards. And funny how they’re always sexist too, they just hide it until their DD wants a boyfriend then it spills out.

[CatsArePeople]

Is your DH worried that having a boyfriend=having sex ?
Or there are religious/cultural issues?

[NormanStangerson]

What is with all these men thinking they get the final say over all the women in their lives? And that their opinions should be deferred to? Bollocks to that.

[Onairjunkie]

@Viviennemary

I think 14 is too young to have a steady boyfriend. Your DH is right. It's a protection issue. Teenage pregnancy. And having sex too young can lead to promiscuity.

I always see your posts on threads and frequently wonder if you’re old and out of touch, sexist, a troll or a combination of all three?

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

@Viviennemary

I think 14 is too young to have a steady boyfriend. Your DH is right. It's a protection issue. Teenage pregnancy. And having sex too young can lead to promiscuity.

My ds and his girlfriend are in what I would describe as a long term relationship, they are both 15 going into year 11 and have been inseparable since they started year 7. They holiday together with both sets of parents and they both sleep at each others house ( I know that probably won't go down well on here but as parents we have made the decision which is right for them). They really are besotted and no way would any of us stand in the way.

And no I am not niave when I say they are not having sex, I know they do other stuff but they are both virgins.

I stuck through all rules during lockdown not even allowing my 19 and 24 year out but we put those 2 in an unofficial bubble as I just couldn't do that to them.

Me on the other hand 'hiding boyfrinds' turned out as me as a mother at 15.

[lastcall]

Um, your daughter has two parents. What on earth makes your husband think he gets to make the final decision on his teenage daughter's social life?

Family counselling immediately. This isn't reasonable behaviour. And it will drive your daughter away.

[girlmom21]

@lastcall

Um, your daughter has two parents. What on earth makes your husband think he gets to make the final decision on his teenage daughter's social life?

Family counselling immediately. This isn't reasonable behaviour. And it will drive your daughter away.

Family counselling? Seriously? No. He just needs to get a grip.

[CatsArePeople]

What on earth makes your husband think he gets to make the final decision on his teenage daughter's social life?

Depends if we're talking of white British people. There are ethnic groups out there who have slightly different worldview.

[pollylocketpickedapocket]

@Whoarethewho

Don't let that stand with DH attitude. Our parents were like that and it brought up adults who have all had disfunctional or no adult romantic relationships.

This!! My history with men is quite frankly awful and I had a dad(and mother) just like this.

[noirchatsdeux]

Both my parents - but particularly my mother - were like this. My mother still thought I was 'too young' to have a boyfriend when I was 17... it meant that even now my mother has no idea how many men I've actually had relationships with, and even worse, led me to think that marrying my first 'real' boyfriend when I was barely 21 was a good idea...I was divorced before I was 25.

I'm now 52 and I still regret that I didn't have the 'normal' teenage/early 20s dating experience. Instead I felt compelled by my parent's attitudes into making adult decisions long before I was ready.

[godmum56]

As others have said, your DH's attutude may be understandable but
a) he doesn't get to overrule you
b) what planet is he living on? because
c) its not working and isn't gonna unless he locks her up....I mean how does he intend to enforce this? how old does she have to be?

i think you need to give his head a forcible wobble as well as making sure (I am sure you have) that your daughter understands about the legality of the situation, bodily agency, std's and so on.

[Lysianthus]

He might not like it, but there are 3 family members here. He’s been outvoted. He might need to be gently guided towards the majority view.

[Dixiechickonhols]

She’s more likely to come to harm if she’s having to sneak around. You need to speak to him and agree boundaries. A blanket ban is unworkable as you’ve found. The horse has bolted. My DD is 15 and I much prefer her to be open with me.

[Rachie1973]

@Viviennemary

I think 14 is too young to have a steady boyfriend. Your DH is right. It's a protection issue. Teenage pregnancy. And having sex too young can lead to promiscuity.

1850 called. It wants its opinion back.

[Lorw]

If her boyfriend is her age I couldn’t see an issue, bigger fish to fry then a boyfriend, best she isn’t lying and is open with both her parents tbh.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Did you not tell him he’s being ridiculous and he can’t ban your dd from having a bf?

[Rexthesnail]

Massive red flags here!