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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So frustrated about DD I could cry

334 replies

conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 02:22

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

OP posts:
Original poster
conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 02:25

And it’s not as simple as just hoping she splits up with the bf and we all live happily ever after. She’s horrible to live with even without him around. And any criticism of the bf gets me screamed at

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2021 02:26

She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom.

Champagne tastes, beer budget. I know no one in London who didn't have to share to start. No one.

Rent should be 1/3 of her income in order to be affordable. 1/2 is OKish and any more is unsustainable. She needs to find a shared house. With other young women if a middle-aged man is not OK. I agree with that at least.

And stop enabling her. She's being selfish and rude and you're agreeing with her spoiled nonsense.

Sparklfairy · 23/07/2021 02:33

She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom.

Well I don't particularly want to be 33 and living in a 70sq ft flat (yes really) but I can't afford anything else.

Clearly you've spoilt her. Stop.

Keeva2017 · 23/07/2021 02:36

I was earning more than your daughter 12 years ago when I moved out in a cheaper area and I had to house share. She’s delusional and you are doing her no favours by enabling these views.

No judgement for the decision you’ve made but you can’t protect your daughter from the consequences of her actions - or from the real world.

IHaveBrilloHair · 23/07/2021 02:41

Ha, tough, she treats you and your home like shit she out she goes.

Original poster
conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 02:45

She was okay with the idea of a bedsit or flat share but after the initial bedsit visit where we saw that the adjoining bedsit was a middle aged man who she’d have to bathroom-share with, she outright refuses to even consider it.

I don’t blame her for not wanting that particular one but she refuses to consider any at all now!

I think maybe I’ll just have to take her to the viewing tomorrow and let her find out for herself it’s impossible.

I need her gone though, I can’t bear it any longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 02:46

*monday.

Absolutely knackered tbh, she has me at my wits ends

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 23/07/2021 02:52

She needs a reality check. Either she gets a full time job or she shares a bathroom.

Tell her she can stay in the short term but the boyfriend isn't welcome. You'll help her with a deposit but that's all, until she takes responsibility for her life and learns to be less entitled.

Don't blink, don't give an inch. She needs to grow up fast.

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 23/07/2021 02:52

Why can't her beloved boyfriend help her out?

I don't blame you OP, you sound at your wits end. Has her behaviour and attitude imoroved at all since you went flat viewing etc with her, now that she has realised what is out there?

Also, you mention you are doing lots of the calculations etc yourself. Is she doing the same? Also don't be tempted to fund her rent or lifestyle - she needs to stand on her own two feet if she cannot be a decent occupant of your houseZ

I think you both need to set a deadline date and work toward that being moving out day.

maggiecate · 23/07/2021 02:58

Have you looked on spareroom.com. I know she doesn’t want to share but realistically she’s probably going to have to and you can filter for age and sex of flatmates

IdblowJonSnow · 23/07/2021 03:02

If she's too vile to live with she needs to go. Finances are her problem. You do sound very supportive which is lovely but time to back off and let her find her feet.

In the meantime please stop having her bf over if your little one is scared of him.

RonaldMcDonald · 23/07/2021 03:03

Alternatively you could set boundaries of acceptable behaviour explaining how her behaviour is making you feel.
Do you feel as though you are being abused by her? It sounds that way.
Let her know. Her behaviour has to change or if it doesn’t she’ll be given 4 weeks notice to leave.
If may be that there hasn’t been direct and clear communication, you can write it down - let her know how she and her behaviours are making you and her sister feel. Her boyfriend’s behaviour ditto. If he is rude and upsetting, he mends his ways or respectfully waits outside for her.

Then it is up to her.

Do not subsidise her. Go to get some support with dealing with the abuse

knitnerd90 · 23/07/2021 03:05

She needs a deadline. She'll have to figure it out. She can look for full time work, or settle for what she can get.

If you don't draw a line in the sand, she'll know she can stay as long as she wants till things work out for her.

Topseyt · 23/07/2021 03:11

Your other children are intimidated by this boyfriend of hers.

That would be enough to make me say that he was not welcome in my house at all.

Maybe you could just provide her with the deposit for a rental flat. Leave the rest up to her..

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2021 03:13

My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

Why are you allowing this loser around your child if he is so horrible? Confused

Original poster
conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 03:15

I do my best to keep him out of the house but sometimes he comes round when I’m out.

Recently it’s been I get home from the school run and he is there so I take my son out until he’s gone.

I did threaten to call the police once and he left but DD screamed at me the whole night.

OP posts:
Original poster
conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 03:16

He is an absolute waste of space and I can’t fucking stand him. I wish DD had never met him but it’s equally her choice to be with him.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 23/07/2021 03:20

I hope she gets the place, concrosooo. She definitely will be able to claim housing benefit and with a small top from yourself, she'll be able to manage.

As a youngster I shared bathroom, toilet and even kitchen in a couple of places and it really was not nice at all. I don't blame her for wanting to be more self contained.

Think positively about the viewing, do all you can to encourage it. It will mean you are out of each other's hair and you won't have to come up against boyfriend too often. Your house will be your own once again, little son happy - phew!

RonaldMcDonald · 23/07/2021 03:20

You know you can face domestic abuse from your daughter don’t you?
Her screaming at you all night and being horrible to live with, would qualify
Him intimidating you or your son, also sounds like a pattern. He may be abusive to her, or she to him, or she is feeling out of control and abuses you to try to find support and boundaries.
You do need to take control, especially to protect your son who isn’t an adult and has no choice but live in these dreadful circumstances

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2021 03:21

Recently it’s been I get home from the school run and he is there so I take my son out until he’s gone.

Are you crazy? You left your home? You must be joking, surely.

I did threaten to call the police once and he left but DD screamed at me the whole night.

FFS, stop just threatening. You should have called the police on your daughter for behaviour like that. No wonder she's so horrible, she gets away with everything. You are doing her no favours by tolerating her nonsense and then helping fund a flat. She wants freedom, fine, she's on her own. It's time to grow a backbone and protect your younger child.

Maggiesfarm · 23/07/2021 03:23

conecrosoooo: I did threaten to call the police once and he left but DD screamed at me the whole night.
..........
Just interested but what did he do which made you threaten to call the police? Is he violent, does he steal?

He certainly sounds horrible, especially for frightening your son.

Good luck with the viewing.

Happyhappyday · 23/07/2021 03:24

Honestly kick her out! Doesn’t want to share a bathroom. Jesus. The first time I didn’t have to share a bathroom was when DH and I bought our second property and had more than one bathroom.

Original poster
conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 03:25

The BF isn’t physical at all but his presence is intimidating.

He will sit on my sofa talking loudly to his mates on the phone about weed, drug deals etc. Swears like a trooper. So DS tends to go straight up to his bedroom when he gets home. He’ll order food to my house etc. Leave his rubbish for me to sort.

I am trying to get rid of him and protect my son’s right to feel comfortable in his own home. Hence why I’m getting DD to move out. I’m getting rid of him by having DD leave. To me it seemed preferable to the option of having to demand he leave all the time and risk him and DD mouthing off for hours.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 23/07/2021 03:28

I get you. What a nightmare. I wonder what his parents are like.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2021 03:30

I am trying to get rid of him and protect my son’s right to feel comfortable in his own home.

What do you mean you're "trying?" You own the home and you're an adult who has a young child. There is no "trying", you do it You call the police if you need to. For fuck's sake, op, take control here. There is no excuse for this.