So frustrated about DD I could cry

[conecrosoooo]

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

There's multiple jobs at Haven, all with offered accommodation if wanted, and also which I didn't know, they provide access to HNCs and up into management. What's not to like?!

Trying to help isn't always the same as being helpful

@Marmitemarinaded

It will be a complete waste of time

But… worth a shot

Good luck op and I mean that. Very tricky position for you

So even applying for a job is 'a complete waste of time now' odd opinion for someone in recruitment!

@MichelleScarn

Can you imagine going to that recruitment agency?

“I’d like to apply for this part-time bar job. I have a year experience of working in my local cafe”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You need 5 years bar experience and to own your own home as a minimum! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! Bloody daydreamer”

@MoreAloneTime

Trying to help isn't always the same as being helpful

Exactly

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@MichelleScarn

Can you imagine going to that recruitment agency?

“I’d like to apply for this part-time bar job. I have a year experience of working in my local cafe”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You need 5 years bar experience and to own your own home as a minimum! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! Bloody daydreamer”[/quote]
Yes because that’s what I was saying

It kind of is marmite

havencareers.co.uk/search-results/

Not a single live in job at haven atm

Over entire Uk

Haven policy atm I not to recruit unless local and don’t require accom.

I promise you

@CeciledeVolanges

I'm so sorry you went through this

However, I find this comment extremely disturbing.

I lived in a flatshare with 6 others in my early 20s we were all of a similarly age (strangers to start with). It was amazing. Maybe it could be the making of her, is she finds the right people to share with

@Marmitemarinaded

Haven policy atm I not to recruit unless local and don’t require accom.

I promise you

I’ve just been on and found LOADS

havencareers.co.uk/search-results

Even the Burger King one

“ •Accommodation available in many of our parks if you don’t live locally”

@conecrosoooo

She hasn’t had any traumatic events in her life. Me and her dad split when she was 4 but it was all amicable, regular contact. She sees him often but he won’t help financially now she’s 18. Only practically, he lives nearby and drives her home from work sometimes when it’s late (we both do this, we’re both a couple of minutes away from her later workplace) and has offered to help move her furniture out.

She was horrendously bullied at high school and still now has no friends or social life. She had social anxiety in her high school years which she has grown out of and she happily works her hospitality jobs but it means that she unfortunately doesn’t have any friends or support system outside of me, her dad and the BF because she didn’t make those connections in the years where she ‘should’ have done, so to speak. I believe this is why she is so attached to the BF.

@conecrosoooo

**She hasn’t had any traumatic events in her life.

**She was horrendously bullied at high school and still now has no friends or social life.

Hmmmmm.......this sounds pretty traumatic to me tbh.

It's so difficult getting driving tests it could be years before she passes her test unfortunately

If there is no shared accommodation she could try looking further away for a daytime job and then accommodation there.

Ultimately you make have to kick her out or get the police to remove her boyfriend every time and her if she starts being abusive towards you.

It's not just your daughter being precious, you are being precious too about her HAVING to live near work.

Statistically she CAN travel home late at night/early morning and not be abducted/murdered.

Both of you have unrealistic demands.

OP, I hate to point out the obvious but rather than all this stress, fall out and financial expense of her moving out, wouldn't it be better if You let her stay but get much firmer with house rules - no boyfriend at the house, much more time at her dad's so you and your DS get respite, no attitude and answering back, and any incidents of screaming fits or rule breaking results in a 'strike' and she's out after X amount of strikes, and if that's the case then she'll be damn well lucky to have to share a toilet with a middle aged man.

With respect, this could all improve if you had a bit more of a backbone. Leaving your own house rather than telling the boyfriend to leave - I mean what!

And I say this as a mother who walked out on my marriage with my 2 kids when they were 2 and 6 - please don't think that a divorce has no lasting trauma and effect and that you "got away" with everything being hunky dory. Whilst staying might be 100x worse, like in my case, there will always be some effect on children, it will always impact them; but it doesn't mean we all didn't do our best.

On the other hand if it's absolutely imperative she moves out, I haven't read all the posts but I'd like to assure you that many people do walk home from work for years without being raped (FFS can't believe that's even being mentioned) I lived in flat shares throughout my time at Uni and the only person I've ever been raped by was a family member in childhood. Can't get over some of these ridiculous comments

@conecrosoooo

I get that, but if at the moment she’s refusing to share a bathroom, what am I meant to do? I can’t force her to realise it, she needs to learn.

I need to protect my 7 year old and so have to get her out. I’m certainly not going to help her get her cushy flat and subsidise her for all eternity.

I’d try and help her get in there, and then withdraw financial support after a couple of months. She already knows this is my plan. If it all falls apart after I withdraw support then she has no choice but to get a shared flat.

Us arguing to no end about how she needs to accept a shared flat will just mean further months of a bad living environment for DS. I’m not throwing her out on her arse though, she has no friends. Other than me and her dad all she has is the BF who she can’t stay with anyway as he lives with mum and siblings.

Or, she will realise that credit cards are really easy to get, and get herself into loads of debt.

I mean, she might not, but the risk is there. Or get into really unsuitable relationships.

I don't think you should force her to take an expensive flat.

If it was me I'd go and find her a flat. She's using 'I won't consider it' against you. If you find her one, she'll probably take it.

@RonaldMcDonald

Alternatively you could set boundaries of acceptable behaviour explaining how her behaviour is making you feel. Do you feel as though you are being abused by her? It sounds that way. Let her know. Her behaviour has to change or if it doesn’t she’ll be given 4 weeks notice to leave. If may be that there hasn’t been direct and clear communication, you can write it down - let her know how she and her behaviours are making you and her sister feel. Her boyfriend’s behaviour ditto. If he is rude and upsetting, he mends his ways or respectfully waits outside for her.

Then it is up to her.

Do not subsidise her. Go to get some support with dealing with the abuse

Great post. Clear advice

It definitely seems like she has an emotional disorder of some kind.
I'm ashamed to say I was similar to my DM at that age, I was confused angry depressed. I was later diagnosed with pmdd it was the cause of my erratic mood disturbance.
In saying all that by 23 our relationship improved I'd 16 years of a loving caring relationship before she passed we were super close.
Your DD is definitely hurting inside. The boyfriend is exactly like the controlling dick I had at 18.

To add of he is discussing weed on his phone, she is probably smoking weed too, disastrous for any mh issue.

Just to add to the holiday park suggestion, I worked and lived in at Haven for a couple of years and it would be a great solution for her- there will be a lot of similar aged people for her to build friendships with. There's lots of other companies that might be the same, Park Resorts, Park Dean are just a couple