So frustrated about DD I could cry

[conecrosoooo]

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

My dd at 17 was in a terribly abusive relationship with a boy of the same age. She was absolutely vile to us, she became unbelievably entitled and cruel. We had to struggle through it. The relationship eventually ended after police involvement. And slowly but surely our dd came back to us, it was though 2 years of hell. And it took dd a long time to realise that the relationship was abusive and toxic.

If we had chucked her out we would have been placing her in more danger. I think that you really need to consider your dd's relationship and whether she is in fact being abused and take it from there.

It is an awful situation for everyone but you are the parent here.

She needs a shared house with other young people like everyone else does at that age. Gumtree or similar.

She’ll end up being very, very reliant on you financially. yep, and you'll be blackmailed, bullied and coerced into funding her life. Is it possible the no sharing demand is because she plans for the bf to move in and you to fund them?

Kicking her out is a mistake. If she moves out, BF will move in with her, sponge off her and she will be stuck with him for life. They will have children together and that's the dad your grandchildren will have to live with. The house will become a drug den and your grandchildren will have the wrong people coming into their home. At some stage you may end up fostering them

This is one hell of a prediction!

She'll maybe be stuck with him until she grows up a bit and comes to her senses, having manifestly unsuitable boyfriends is pretty standard for teens imo.

How old is the boyfriend?

Without DC she won't be eligible for any housing benefit. She'll have to move slightly out of area to find cheaper accommodation.

@conecrosoooo

I do my best to keep him out of the house but sometimes he comes round when I’m out.

Recently it’s been I get home from the school run and he is there so I take my son out until he’s gone.

I did threaten to call the police once and he left but DD screamed at me the whole night.

He needs to leave not you, it’s your house and your son’s home!

Do call the police next time, if your dd kicks off tell the police to take her too!

Do not subsidise her moving out, house sharing is perfectly normal and what plenty of young people do - does she have any friends she could rent with?

In London professionals house sharing in their in twenties is the norm.

When I was 18, I went to university. At that point, I didn’t get another penny from my parents - I had to support myself and make my choices accordingly. And that meant, when I’d finished my education, I had to get off my arse and get a full time job.

I think it’s about time you re-established some boundaries here. You sound completely intimidated not just by the boyfriend but by your daughter as well, and she knows that she has control of the relationship, not you.

@MichelleScarn

She’ll end up being very, very reliant on you financially. yep, and you'll be blackmailed, bullied and coerced into funding her life. Is it possible the no sharing demand is because she plans for the bf to move in and you to fund them?

I think this is very possible.

I'd offer her 2 choices, OP - she either stays at home and the boyfriend doesn't come anywhere near it or she leaves and stands on her own 2 feet. I definitely wouldn't subsidise her rent, as you'd be subsidising his, too.

If she opts to stay, I'd make it perfectly clear that if she lets him in the house, you will call the police and have him removed, and the locks will be changed and she won't be allowed in either. I think it's time for tough love.

Where does he live? Why can't she go and stay with him?

@KurtWilde

Without DC she won't be eligible for any housing benefit. She'll have to move slightly out of area to find cheaper accommodation.

She could be entitled to some help with her rent from UC. Where I live, the LHA for shared accommodation is around £500 a month, and on £900 pcm net, there'd be around £80 a month in UC.

@butterkistpop

In London professionals house sharing in their in twenties is the norm.

30s now if you're single. Rents are too high for one person.

But @LakieLady she's trouble in her own right, even without her boyfriend.

You need to protect your 7 year old here, no way would I be intimidated out of my own home by a daughter's bf.
You set the ground rules here, the bf is not allowed anywhere near your home, if she doesn't like it she can go with him. Chances are she'd soon be back, but you are enabling her to have the best of both worlds here.
At the moment they are calling the shots, you need to get strong and stand up to their ridiculous behaviour, involve the police if necessary, but your son needs you to stand up to this thug.
If she chooses to leave then she needs to support herself, she wants to be an adult without the responsibility, and needs to learn that it doesn't work like that.

There are many places in the UK where you can get a 2 bedroom flat for less than £650. Her job doesn’t sound like she could find a similar one elsewhere. With that earning potential, she simply cannot afford to stay in an expensive area.

Maybe this will make her think about college, career etc again. I agree that you are enabling her.

She’s lucky she has you for support, lots of people her age don’t and just get thrown out onto the street. I left home at 16 and had to fend for myself, I made it out alive and it actually gave me the kick up the arse I needed to sort my life out. Hope it does this for your DD too. She needs to find a better job basically or sort benefits out so she can afford a flat. Failing that, grin and bear a houseshare like most people her age do…

I'd definitely want her in a house share, where other people have sight of her. Isolated in a bedsit with a bad news boyfriend and drugs would be a worry. Bedsits and lodgings are ok for hard-working, busy people, as somewhere to sleep.

Being socialised out of youthful selfishness and thoughtlessness by sharing accommodation with peers is a key part of the university / house share / moving out of home experience. Challenge comes from peers not parents. So does friendship and fun. Even if they ignore and live around each other, they notice changes to routine. The question is whether she'd find a house share that would accept her, or allow her to stay, once in.

Is your fear his effect on her? Or is it you losing her?

I think to avoid the latter you need to establish mutual respect, by demanding respect yourself. She may still be craving boundaries, for her own protection and safety. Your home will only feel like a safe, cosy place to return to one day, if you make it so.

OP . DO NOT TOP UP HER INCOME ! You can't afford it.

It's no longer housing benefit . It's universal credit. The housing allowance will be the 'shared house' rate. This varies to where you live.
Look on here for the maximum rate in your area

lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/search.aspx

Then put those details into the turn2us calculator to see how much support Universal Credit will give . It will also work out any help for council tax.

The BF isn’t physical at all but his presence is intimidating.

He will sit on my sofa talking loudly to his mates on the phone about weed, drug deals etc. Swears like a trooper.

If ds talks about this at school and a teacher hears it, teacher will be obliged to treat it as a Safeguarding concern and pass it on the the school's Safeguarding lead.

@PrettyLittleFlies

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou

Your daughter is abhorrent

I doubt that. I'm sure that she is at heart a great young woman and that she will emerge from this patch a reasonable human being. She is pushing boundaries to try to find her place in the world.

Sorry but you don't find your place in the world by treating your mother like that.

@Finknottlesnewt

OP . DO NOT TOP UP HER INCOME ! You can't afford it.

It's no longer housing benefit . It's universal credit. The housing allowance will be the 'shared house' rate. This varies to where you live.
Look on here for the maximum rate in your area

lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/search.aspx

Then put those details into the turn2us calculator to see how much support Universal Credit will give . It will also work out any help for council tax.

You don't know that the op cannot afford it, I think she said giving her £200 a month would be a stretch but maybe £100 would not be. Most parents give their children a few quid here and there when they leave home.

Universal credit will help her too.

At 18 I wouldn't class that as an adult, she's still a teen. That means you are still in control as the parent here. Easier said than done but she needs tough love. Set some firm boundaries and rules and if she can't live by them then she unfortunately needs to leave.

Why do you continue to let in the drug dealing thug boyfriend? It’s YOUR house, tell him to get out, or the police will remove him, tough if your dd screams, the safety of your ds is at risk, as is yours. As for wanting her own place, she can therefore get a full time job and sort herself out. You should not be supporting her given her appalling behaviour.

I amazed that you whilst she could choose bedsit shares actually she can choose something more expensive and get benefit for it!!

As other pp have said, plenty of us have had to share with men, other people etc I was sleeping alone in travelling hostels in rooms full of men.