So frustrated about DD I could cry

[conecrosoooo]

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

I moved out at 18 and rented a room above a shop. It took another 17 years to be able to afford to rent my own small flat for £1000 a month.
She needs to rent a room/bedsit.

Wow, this is crazy. Your daughter's behaviour indicates that she is distressed and needs you to parent her not throw her out. It sounds like she is lashing out at you because she isn't coping. You need to protect both of your children.

Ban her boyfriend from the house. Call the police if he turns up. If she disrespects your rule on this again you change the locks and she doesn't have her own key to go in and out and will have to wait until you are home to let her in: make this clear in advance that these will be the consequences.

If she wants to move out she can but I wouldn't encourage this as then she will blame you when it's awful, and you will push her further into this life with her scumbag boyfriend. It sounds like you need intervention from a family therapist as well.

@Atalune

In my local area there is a young person mentoring scheme. Up to yeh age of 25, would she be up for some mentoring? She would be able to meet other young people and it might help with her self worth and mental health? You can see refer.

Boyfriend is not permitted to enter. End of. You must enforce this. Eject him from the home every time.

Does she pay you rent?

Why can’t she stay with her dad?

I would guess dad takes a harder line with the boyfriend situation.

Tell your DD to join the military; she'll get her own room/bathroom but she'll have to grow up pretty quickly - not that that would be a bad thing by the sounds of things... 😉

OP tell her you wish things were different that you'd sacrifice anything for a respectful relationship between you, her angry outbursts come across as a MH or addiction issue.
Don't say I can't live with you anymore be kind with words, this could potentially make or break your daughter, something is amiss and needs further investigation, she is angry and angry with you.

Plenty of great ideas though I suspect DD won't leave the boyfriend for any of them. Personally I think the boyfriend choice is another cry for attention she is pushing every button, change your reaction.
Dont allow him in anymore if he frightens DS.

You both need some form of counselling together, to talk properly rather than screaming.

Very wise.

But OP I'm puzzled. You say your DD screams at you. Why don't you just walk away from that? Refuse to engage with her when she screams at you, and talk to her when she calms down. Being shouted at is horrible, but it's bearable, particularly if you refuse to engage when she's overwhelmed by her feelings.

You and your DD seem to be in some weird co-dependency of overheated extreme emotions. She screams at you; you don't respond productively, but instead go to the other extreme and plan to chuck her out.

Sorry to keep the saying, but where do the hell oz dad, rather than this weight lying soley its seems on one parents shoulders and the 7 year old dads??

Sorry OP awful situation. I do feel for you but your daughter appears spoilt and a bit immature.

At 18 like many others I left home for Uni hundreds of miles away and arranged and paid for my own housing (in a hostel with 12 others, three showers, two fridges and a cooker shared between us! It was all I could afford).

She needs to grow up a little. To start the process:

1. Ban boyfriend from your house totally. Reinforce by calling police if necessary. Do not relent.

1. She pays you 1/3 wages as keep as she must learn to pay her way. (If you’re kind you can set this aside for when she moved out but don’t tell her).

1. If she wants to move out ball is in her court.