Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So frustrated about DD I could cry

334 replies

conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 02:22

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 23/07/2021 06:28

Be careful, OP. Many rentals will insist on a guarantor - especially if going through an agency. That means you will be stuck paying all the rent for the duration of the tenancy if she defaults.
Alternatively, if going for a private house share, who the heck is going to want to live with her/ them with their behaviour? They will not get past the interview!

arcof · 23/07/2021 06:29

Don't let the boyfriend in, call the police if he gets in your house. Throw out your daughter, why can't she live with him? If you throw her out I hope she'll realise soon enough how nice she has it at home and maybe it will fix her attitude, DO NOT subsidise her new place. Come on, she's 18 and you've done your best.

Bulldoglady89 · 23/07/2021 06:32

When I was 17 I shared a flat with 3 strangers, 2 males, 1 female. Shared shower / bathroom it was only temporary. Your daughter can move in to shared flat and then look for full time work and then arrange more suitable accommodation from there.

endofthelinefinally · 23/07/2021 06:34

She can go and live with the boyfriend. He is making drug deals from your home? You really don't want this happening.
Tell her that as long as she is colluding in drug dealing she cannot stay in your home. Tell her you love her, but as long as she chooses him and his lifestyle she cannot stay.
That way she has a way out when she realises how bad her choices are.

mamamalt · 23/07/2021 06:34

I can't believe what I've just read... she doesn't want to share?!?! Well that's tough! I spent my late teens and twenties sharing, sometimes it was fine sometimes it was shit. You do what you have to. There is no choices!!! And you use transport or learn to drive not call for lifts!! I feel for you OP as its easy for us to say when it's not our kid but as an 18 year old I was doing these things and survived just fine. It was just what you do!

ufucoffee · 23/07/2021 06:36

Tell her to sort out where she goes. Until she does don't do a thing for her in your home. She's not a child. She sounds horrible OP and I don't care why she's angry. Your poor son, I feel so sorry for him. Also, don't threaten to call the police, do it. It's the only way the vile boyfriend and your daughter will get the message that you are serious.

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/07/2021 06:36

Has she thought about applying for a 1 bedroom council or HA flat?

When I lived in London, I knew plenty of single people who had their own council flat? None were vulnerable.

I'm in the North now but the 18 year old daughter of a friend of mine was given a 1 bedroom new build house and was on the list for a couple of weeks!

Worth a try?

Motnight · 23/07/2021 06:38

Op is there a chance that your dd is being abused by her bf?

sunshinesupermum · 23/07/2021 06:38

She runs a car? #missespointofthread

PrettyLittleFlies · 23/07/2021 06:40

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou

Your daughter is abhorrent

I doubt that. I'm sure that she is at heart a great young woman and that she will emerge from this patch a reasonable human being. She is pushing boundaries to try to find her place in the world.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 23/07/2021 06:40

You need to stop being so passive. She needs to share a bathroom, she already does this at home and maybe if she was easier to live with she could remain at home with all the luxuries that entails, like access to a washing machine, food in the cupboards for her. She needs to learn to live within her budget. She wants her own bathroom? Then she needs to earn more money.

Re the boyfriend ban him from your house. If he is there when you come home from picking up your son you phone the police and have him removed. If your daughter then goes off on one you get the police to remove her too. She is 18 not 5. Although technically an adult she clearly isn't a grown up. She needs to learn her actions have consequences. That means she cannot scream at you all night and she has to live somewhere shitty.

Do not top her up by £200 a month. She has to learn to live within the budget she has. You are doing her no favours, she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. You need to put yourself and your son first.

Vetyveriohohoh · 23/07/2021 06:43

Who looks after the 7yo while you give her lifts home at 1am?

RaginaPhalange · 23/07/2021 06:48

Give her a deadline of when she needs to be out by. Is she helping herself because it seems like she's waiting for you to do everything for her. You need to stop that. I also wouldn't be helping her with rent she needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet especially if she treats you like a piece of sh*t.

ChaToilLeam · 23/07/2021 06:51

I mean this kindly OP, but you need to find your backbone here.

BF is banned from the house. Police called if he refuses to leave. Your daughter can scream as much as she likes, you need to be immovable here. He does not get to carry out his criminal behaviour in your home.

DD needs to accept that she will need to go into a house share, preferably with other young women. Something she can afford without you topping her up. Time she had a dose of reality. If it doesn’t work out she can only come back if she agrees to your house rules. Locks changed once she is out so she can’t just show up.

She has been walking all over you too long, to the detriment of you and your DS. This could be the making of her, if only you stand strong. Be prepared to welcome her back but with strong boundaries in place.

Cakeofdoom · 23/07/2021 06:54

Bag her shit up and leave it outside the front door, change the locks, job done. She will soon realise how she needs to behave.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 23/07/2021 06:54

She does not want a houseshare

Fucking hell I was doing that in my late 20s still.

She does not need to be local for jobs. She quit college at 18 doesn't sound like she has any a levels.

She can get a job anywhere in that case. Move to a cheaper area.

You are allowed to ban the boyfriend from your home you know! Protect your 7 yo.

Dd can go to his until she moves out. Why are you putting up with this

LakieLady · 23/07/2021 06:54

@Maggiesfarm

I hope she gets the place, concrosooo. She definitely will be able to claim housing benefit and with a small top from yourself, she'll be able to manage.

As a youngster I shared bathroom, toilet and even kitchen in a couple of places and it really was not nice at all. I don't blame her for wanting to be more self contained.

Think positively about the viewing, do all you can to encourage it. It will mean you are out of each other's hair and you won't have to come up against boyfriend too often. Your house will be your own once again, little son happy - phew!

She won't get housing benefit because it has been replaced by Universal Credit.

And the amount of rent that will count for benefit purposes will be capped at the local housing allowance rate for shared accommodation because she is under 35. This is unlikely to be anywhere near as much as £650 a month, unless it's in Kensington & Chelsea or somewhere.

She'd need to have a 2nd job to be able to afford that. She needs to move into a shared flat or house imo.

I'd suggest she checks on "entitled to" to see how much UC she might get before she commits herself to anything. And if it's for a self-contained place, she'll also need to factor in bills, including council tax, to see if she can afford it.

I hope she finds somewhere, for your sake.

Weebleweeble · 23/07/2021 06:55

I don't imagine it's worth having house rules if the other person won't keep to them. Trying to enforce them results in screaming sessions.
Can you move OP?

Doublestar · 23/07/2021 06:56

Recently it’s been I get home from the school run and he is there so I take my son out until he’s gone.

Say what now? This is completely ridiculous and this is the crux of your problem. I would tell him to get the fuck out and if your dd wants to follow him she's welcome. If she starts ranting pack her a bag and tell her to leave.

You have been far too soft and this is why she's behaving this way - she knows you're never going to Chuck her out and I also reckon she's just paying lip service to the moving out idea - I don't believe she has any intention of moving out (she knows which side her bread's buttered) and will keep coming up with a list of excuses as to why each property YOU look at (and do the calculations for) isn't suitable.

I feel for you, it's really hard being a single mum and not having any back-up but she sounds very entitled and she needs a short, sharp shock IMO.

She will grow out of it though (ds 22 who was a complete PITA is great now!)

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2021 06:56

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

You need to stop being so passive. She needs to share a bathroom, she already does this at home and maybe if she was easier to live with she could remain at home with all the luxuries that entails, like access to a washing machine, food in the cupboards for her. She needs to learn to live within her budget. She wants her own bathroom? Then she needs to earn more money.

Re the boyfriend ban him from your house. If he is there when you come home from picking up your son you phone the police and have him removed. If your daughter then goes off on one you get the police to remove her too. She is 18 not 5. Although technically an adult she clearly isn't a grown up. She needs to learn her actions have consequences. That means she cannot scream at you all night and she has to live somewhere shitty.

Do not top her up by £200 a month. She has to learn to live within the budget she has. You are doing her no favours, she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. You need to put yourself and your son first.

I agree with this. It’s called tough love. Maybe your dd is being abused by this guy. Calling the police could be the best thing for her.

Above all don’t be a guarantor for anywhere she finds, you could end up losing your home.

sandgrown · 23/07/2021 06:57

I sort of understand her not wanting to share a bathroom with an older man but he may be a perfectly nice person or gay and no threat to your daughter . If the boyfriend is so intimidating he would probably stay well clear anyway .

endofthelinefinally · 23/07/2021 06:57

Do you have any family support OP?
Are you a single parent? You don't mention her father.
You sound very alone with this.

Dollpiglet · 23/07/2021 06:58

Do not support her renting a nicer place. Say she's always welcome back home if she gets into trouble but let her do her own thing without help. Sounds like she needs a wake up call about how much she gets from you and to be a bit more grateful!

EveningOverRooftops · 23/07/2021 07:03

Do not top up her income. If she can’t afford it she has to work harder or lower her expectations.

FFS Op she will continue to take the piss and honestly a sharp kick into the real world might be exactly what she needs.

Fwiw I moved out at 16 into a similar bedsores situation

tensmum1964 · 23/07/2021 07:06

Have to agree with others, you are still enabling her. Rude, threatening and abusive behaviour from either her or her boyfriend equals being shown the door with no form of support whatsoever until the behaviour changes. She is 18, not 13. Give her a deadline, let her view properties herself, do not top up her rent and no lifts home from work. How on earth is she ever going to learn respect unless you make her see/feel the consequences of her actions?

Swipe left for the next trending thread