So frustrated about DD I could cry

[conecrosoooo]

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

You need to set some boundaries. Her moving out isn’t going to magic away the problems.
If she goes into a house share or Bessie and her intimidating bf is behaving the same way there - she will be out on her ear.

It’s also highly unlikely that she will pass any checks for a private rental so you’ll end up guarantor and no doubt paying the rent.

Give her a deadline, let her view properties herself, do not top up her rent and no lifts home from work. How on earth is she ever going to learn respect unless you make her see/feel the consequences of her actions?

This. She's treating you terribly. Once she's moved out to a dingy houseshare - like most other young adults in the country on a budget - she'll change her tune sharpish.

Write to the council saying you're throwing her out and it'll get her on the council house list (probably be decades before she gets one mind). 18 is a weird age, by no means an adult really but obviously not a child, but you are intimidated being around her boyfriend yet don't seem overly concerned for her being with him. If he is like he is around you imagine what he's probably like when they're alone :(

I feel so sorry for both of you. I think she has to be woken up to the reality of the costs of being independent and doing what she likes. Three choices really:

1. She gets a higher paid job to fund the lifestyle she wants.

1. She interrogates her budget in her present job and makes compromises: shared flat, shared bathroom and an understanding the car and lessons have to go. Could the car fund a deposit.

1. She remains at home and saves with firm boundaries in place.

Where does the boyfriend live BTW?

It's a worry op because at 18 she really is barely a grown up and has got involved with a bad choice of person. Frankly the no brained for me would be conversations about drugs and taking weed. I assume she takes weed too. She's on a slippery slope but I am at a loss to know why there has never been zero tolerance to any form of engagement with illegal drugs.

I was living abroad in my own at 18. I flat/house shared with people I didn’t know and I was self sufficient. She will have to lower her expectations. If house share is all she can afford, she will have to take it and it may give her a valuable lesson in how to behave around people. I don’t understand if she has her own car, why she isn’t driving herself home after work? I’m not sure why her boyfriend is even allowed to set foot in the house? You are enabling her in so many ways, you need to get tough OP. Sounds like she is spoilt and rude and has no idea what she’s got.

She needs to go in a house share so that she learns to be a reasonable human being. Don't coddle her. And don't let them bully you into having her boyfriend round. Its your house.

You're teaching one child she can behaved how she likes and your other child he has to tolerate it and be confined to his bedroom. Nice.

Stop enabling her terrible choices. Get tough. She is 18

Do you even have a back bone? I can't believe you're letting him in your house and excusing it by saying you don't want them kicking off at you. Aren't you the parent?!
Also she needs to be realistic, a house share is her best option.

The dd sounds like she needs help to manage her anger. Something is triggering this type of behaviour and I don’t think we have heard the full story from OP.

Completely agree with this, this sounds like some sort of trauma-conditioned behaviour and it sounds like she needs some help, people who are happy and secure don't behave like this, is there a back story about her past? I worry she's also vulnerable.

Op, what a horrible situation. You sound like a lovely, caring mum to still want to do the best for your DD. It's so tough.
For me, I would bag up her stuff and change the locks. She can't behave the way she is, it's so wrong.

She can’t afford to live anywhere else. She can’t even afford things when she is living with you and getting lifts and probably her food paid for. She doesn’t have enough money for it.

The boyfriend has to be banned from your house. It doesn’t matter what she does, he is banned and put your foot down as you have a younger child to protect.

Get a big A1 chart and write ‘the house rules’ on it.

If your daughter does not like it, she can leave herself but don’t be assisting her with ‘moving out’ because it won’t work and she will be back in a worse state and you need to take back control of your home.

‘No hitting or hurting’
‘Boyfriend not allowed inside this door’
‘Always replace chocolate’ etc.

About 10 strong rules. Be strong and good luck.

She needs to stop being so picky about where she wants to live, and as for the her BF if he set foot in my house again I'd be calling the police on the pair of them.

Is it just the three of you at home? Who looks after your 7 yo when you get her at 1am?

You need to be tougher- she knows that by kicking off you’ll back down about the boyfriend / lifts etc. Either she stays at home and the boyfriend is not allowed round full stop and the lifts continue so she can continue to work and save to move out to a place of her choice or she moves out now and the lifts etc stop. If she kicks off and becomes abusive tell her you will ring the police because you have a duty of care to your 7 year old (and also to yourself). Tell her if she continues to bring the boyfriend round you will call the police and report him for the drugs.

Tough love time!

I had many a bedsit when I was young. Sharing a bathroom with a middle aged man would have been better than most of younger people I shared with.

I don't think you should pay part of her rent. You will be paying for her to live with her boyfriend and removing any incentive for her to get a full-time job.

I'm concerned about the bf, as other posters have said OP's daughter may well be in an abusive situation with him. That makes the situation more complex than just where she should live and how much she should budget for. If OP is too hardline and cuts the DD off, she risks losing DD to the bf for the long term and the DD becoming trapped and isolated with the bf. So first thing I would do in OP's position is get social services involved / alert them to the relationship between bf and DD. If bf is active drug dealer then that makes DD a vulnerable person.

However there is also OP's younger son's safety to consider so yes, DD has to move out and yes, she has to be realistic about what she can afford. Shared accommodation obviously the best. If OP has to top her up with a little money, then that is preferable to DD becoming dependent on bf's drug money as that will make DD's situation worse.

However OP has to get DD out of the house asap and then change locks. If this will be a problem then OP needs to get male friends/relatives around so that DD and bf know that she is not messing and don't try to kick up a fuss / refuse to leave. But OP should try to keep communication pathways open to DD on a non-judgemental basis so that DD knows she has a safe haven if (hopefully when) she decides to leave bf.

This is a domestic abuse situation as bf has basically physically comandeered and controlled the house, forcing OP and child out of it.

Situations like this are far from uncommon and it is very sad and difficult but OP's first responsibility is for her own and her younger child's wellbeing so she has to put that first in all decision making.

In short, she can’t afford the £650 rent. She’ll have to pay council tax (approx £70 pm), water (£15), electricity (£25), gas (£20), her mobile (£40), food (£180), TV licence, transport, clothes…

She’ll end up being very, very reliant on you financially.

I was paid £900 pm working full time at her age and I could just about afford my £450 pm, all bills included, house share.

Another reason you should push for the house share, is that there will be other people around her. I don’t think it’s in her best interest to live alone with the boyfriend. If he’s that vile in front of you, imagine how awful he is in private. At least if she’s in a house share she has other people to talk to and who can make sure she’s ok. Instead of making her whole world about him.

The rental will make her world very small with no money to go out and socialise with friends or be 18. She’ll depend on you financially and on him socially.

What was your daughter like before the BF came along?

Kicking her out is a mistake. If she moves out, BF will move in with her, sponge off her and she will be stuck with him for life. They will have children together and that's the dad your grandchildren will have to live with. The house will become a drug den and your grandchildren will have the wrong people coming into their home. At some stage you may end up fostering them.

You need to do what PP have told you and stop this man coming into your home. Is there a family member with a little more clout who can move in with you to keep him out. This will solve the problems for your young son being intimidated.

You're not the only one with kids who are rude mouthy arseholes who moither you for money. I've got two of the little shits and wouldn't dream of kicking them out. Your DD is in a very dangerous position with this man and needs you to invest your energy in protecting her rather than researching how to get rid of her.

She needs to house share with some other girls as she cannot afford her own place (don’t agree to top up her rent! If she wants more money she can earn it) Though, no one deserves to have the boyfriend inflicted on them

Fuck that I hear you op I have a adult dc who lives at home but you need boundaries. You don’t like the bf he doesn’t step foot in your house she screams at you she goes. It really is as simple as that . She doesn’t get to abuse you and your ds in your own home . I’m sure when you start putting your foot down she will find somewhere sharpish . Your making it too easy for her stop leaving the house when he’s there he should leave .

You need to write out the house rules clearly, so that she is leaving because she can’t abide the rules and this is clear to her.

Not because she is ‘choosing to leave’ she can’t afford it and will be back so you need those house rules in black and white, up in your hall and very clear.

She needs to do the calculations herself and look for flats / house-shares herself. Otherwise she's going to see them as your things that you're imposing on / giving her and she will blame and resent you when they don't work out well. Probably leave you with a financial liability too.

I think a houseshare wold be safer for her, because housemates will have an eye on the boyfriend and/but won't let him deal drugs from their home.

She had a choice though. She could behave like a pleasant, policeman being and live with you. She has actively chosen not to do that. This is the consequence.

*human being not policeman! Bloody auto correct!